Thursday, December 27, 2007

BRAVE WOMAN GONE


My friend Ali Two Fingers who is from Pakistan called me early this morning crying like a baby after learning that Pakistani opposition leader and former premier Benazir Bhutto was assassinated by some radical motherfuckers who want to rewind the earth's clock by 1000 years.

Sometimes I really hope for a huge ass asteroid to collide with this shit-hole planet of ours and wipe out man kind instantly, as temporary tenants we don't deserve to occupy this Earth because we are SELFISH.

That would be my wish for 2008 but in the mean time please don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

HELP US OUT SANTA


For the die hard Washington Redskins fan like myself, even though the law of mathematics say something else we would like to believe that our beloved football team will make a run for the #6 spot as a wild card in the National Football Conference. Here is what needs to happen besides the planet Earth, Mars, Saturn and Jupiter perfectly aligned in parallel orbiting the sun.

Case 1
Redskins beat the Vikings, and
Redskins beat the Cowboys, and
Eagles beat the Saints

Case 2
Redskins beat the Vikings, and
Redskins beat the Cowboys, and
Bears beat the Saints

Case 3
Redskins beat the Vikings, and
Redskins beat the Cowboys, and
Bills beat the Giants, and
Patriots beat the Giants

Case 4
Redskins beat the Vikings, and
Cowboys beat the Panthers, and
Eagles beat the Saints, and
Bears beat the Saints, and
Broncos beat the Vikings


Is it possible? Of course it is possible! There is a possibility that I may win the Mega Million Lottery as well and according to my calculations there is an 8.813% that the Redskins might advance in to the post season. I think my friend Lugosi has a better chance pulling a threesome with two hot chicks in his taxicab tonight. But I have been a Redskins fan ever since I was 5 years old and when you're a die hard fan the realist in you disappears and you keep believing.

GO SKINS!!!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad "the dreamer" Cabbie.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

HUGH MASEKELA


I know some of you out there listen to music of accomplished legendary artist like Britteny Spears but when you get a chance please check out my man Hugh Masekela from South Africa. I was lucky enough to be at his concert in London years ago and it was out of this world.

His CD can be a great gift to someone who digs real Jazz/African-tunes/World music. Every time I play his album in my cab people want to know who he is and tips fly my way. I think I am going to post and talk about some of the music I like from time to time and next time I will have some Norwegian folk songs for you.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Monday, December 17, 2007

GREEN CARD IN THREE HOURS

Few years ago, few minutes after midnight I picked up this Latino dude from the Greyhound bus station in North East. With a broken heavy accent English he asked if I know where some Spanish dudes who sold fake green cards (a permanent resident ID card) People ask me for all kind shit but a fake green card was the first and I didn't know what to tell him. I really didn't want to get involved because I am scared to go to prison, but at the same time me being the predator of the streets I want to make some cash as well. So I called Pastor Joe:

MC: Hello Pastor, what's up?
PJ: What the fuck you want Zebra? I am trying to get laid!
MC: I thought you're out hustling Pastor?
PJ: Make it quick motherfucker, what is it?
MC: You know where I can get a Green Card?
PJ: I thought you're an American citizen?
MC: Not for me asshole, I have some dude in the back seat.
PJ: You call yourself a cabbie and don't know where to get a fucken green card?
MC: Stop bitching bitch and tell me were to go!
PJ: Drive him to Ontario and Columbia and when you get to...


I took my new Latino friend to Adams Morgan around Ontario and Columbia frequented by some young Colombian dudes roaming the streets all night long. I gave him my number so he can call me as soon as his green card gets approved and issued by the street thugs and I could give him a ride back to the bus station. My determined passenger had no fear at all, after I dropped him off he quickly disappeared in to the dark ally.

Over an hour passed and I didn't hear from him, I thought he was dead or something so I moved on and stopped by some joint to get an ice cream. Almost three hours later my phone rang and sure enough it was my man with a happy tone in his voice asking me if I can pick him up and drive him back to the station.

He showed me his new green card on our way to the Greyhound. I don't know man, it looked real and perfect to me, with his picture and everything. Next time I see my blogger friend Lizzie I will ask her to show me hers to see how a real green card looks like and compare!

Excuse me Mad! you fucken idiot, Lizzie is an American who was born and raised in Orange county, California! You are a typical ignorant jackass who thinks every Latin person in America is an immigrant.

Alright! alright! everyone calm down please, I didn't know that! To be honest with you Lizzie is whiter than the queen of England, I need to look in to her claim of being a Latina.

Finally I dropped my Norfolk bound happy Latino friend at the station and we said our good byes. I hope he is doing well now and got his shit straight. But later on I hear that hot spot in Adams Morgan used to be a well known shady corner visited by undocumented Latinos, Indians and Pastor's Russian girlfriends until the operation was busted by INS few years back.

Please no emails about how to get phony green cards, I don't want the SWAT team from ICE all over me and water-board my sorry ass in Guantanamo Bay.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Friday, December 14, 2007

TAXI UNIVERSITY

If I didn't run in to Pastor Joe six months in to my cab driving experience 16 years ago I would have quit the cab business for good and who knows what else could I have done in life. I always say that cab driving is not a rocket science by all means but to make a decent living as a cab driver requires skills and it could take up to five years of fucking up to achieve that craft.

The first six month was frustrating for me, when you attend the taxi school they don't teach you the business side of the coin. Here in DC they teach you the fucken zones and how to give the correct change back to the passenger and you graduate with flying colors and you don't even have to speak the English language either, I am not kidding. I used to do 12 hours of hard driving and take home pathetic $100 after expenses. When I met and told Pastor Joe that I was averaging that kind of bread, I think he threw up with disgust, and that's when he took me under his wings and got me enrolled in the "Pastor Joe's Advanced Studies for Urban Shady Hacking Techniques" Program.

When you're a cabbie at night you have to be very resourceful to your passengers with out crossing the thin lining of breaking any law, and that's where the art of hacking, my education under the master guru Pastor Joe and my experience comes in handy. A good cabbie can help you find any shit you couldn't locate on Google. I remember couple years ago some dude got in to may cab and asked me where he can find a very strong hashish called "The Flying Dutchman" and to make the long story short the last I heard that motherfucker is still stoned in his basement. You see requests like these could cost a hefty finder's fee, that mickey mouse DC zone fare shit is not going to cut it.

My dear readers by all means if you need anything at all, I mean ANYTHING, please don't hesitate to call uncle Mad. Did you find that trophy young chic and that old wife of yours is in the way? You want the old bag to disappear? I hear of some Latvian brothers do some great CSI proof work. Just let me know if you want it slow and painful or quick and painless.

The only thing I couldn't solve is the homeless crises in our city and it's getting cold out there people, so get involved and always please don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie

Sunday, December 09, 2007

GOOD NEWS BAD NEWS

The good news is I had a $500 night last night. All kind of Christmas parties and people were moving around and getting shit faced in front of their bosses so it was a non stop cash printing session for cabbies.

The bad news is I opened up some financial news paper this morning and learned that the US dollar is still going down the toilet at a light speed, so that cash I made last night was worth like 10 Euros or some shit like that. I think I am going have to demand my passengers to pay me in Indian Rupees tonight!

I am heading to work now boys and girls and please don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

MEET MY NEW FRIEND


"...Feel free to tell your buddies about JP, especially if they are of the female persuasion. Johnny spent a lot of time staring at pastel covered cinder-blocks and could use a little girlie interaction. 99% of the broads I hit up on Craiglist’s personal ads end up being twill-chompers aiming to impale my brown-eye. Nothing against the fruits, I just ain’t looking to relive the glory nights of non-consensual institutional coupling with 315 lb. sweaty broke-back uncut bears. Besides, I am still going through a new set of undies every week due to my inconvenient crimson drawer blotting. Enough of that shit - I know I ain’t gonna land no honeys galavanting down that memory lane."

That was an entry from one of the posts by my new fan Johnny Peepers who linked up this blog to his new master piece. Mad Cabbie attracts people from all walks of life and I also became an instant fan of yours Johnny! I think he has lots of shit to say and I have linked up his blog as well.

Any single chicks out there? Uncle Mad will hook you up!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

SENATOR RICHARD SHELBY

Lot of people ask me if I had someone famous in my cab but DC is not Los angles or New York where people's favorite celebrities roam around the streets. Washington is a political town so our celebrities are usually congressmen, media guys and high profile lawyers you know shit like that. When I used to work late, late meaning until 9am I used to pick up senators and and representatives and most of them nobody even know if they walk down the street. Unless a senator is on the media spotlight caught in a men's bathroom trying to do the nasty you wouldn't differentiate between a senator from Idaho and a used car salesman.

But I can tell you who the most polite law maker I had in my cab, drum roll please: That would be the gentleman from the great state of Alabama Richard Shelby! Yes this dude was always nice to me and next time he's up for re-election I think I am moving to Alabama just to vote for him. I used to pick him up in Georgetown and drive him to the Russell Senate Building and we carried on with great political conversation, even though I don't like his republican party I still enjoyed the 15 minutes ride and on top of that he over tipped the shit out of me.

Washington is a city of full of shit where everyone thinks that he or she is more important than God, even the young interns who work for free in Capitol Hill think that they are power brokers and try to flex their muscles when they run in to a cabbie like myself but they don't impress me so I normally ignore them and play the Best of Abdul from my usual Pakistani latest hits. The senator really didn't have to give me attention at all but he always did and I don't think the man is full of it like most others, at least that's what I think of him and for a guy in his seventies he is in an excellent shape.

But I am impressed by young Americans like this chick aka Petunia in Paradise who is in Southern Sudan doing some meaningful shit and people like her gets my attention and I won't torture them by playing one of my collections of Pakistani hits when they get into my cab.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie

Sunday, December 02, 2007

CHEVY CHASE POLICE

I think the most useless and good money wasted for institution on this planet has to be the Chevy Chase Police Department in Montgomery county Maryland. The police department covers about a whopping two square mile of real estate which half of it is the Chevy Chase country Club. I understand that the average cost of a house is well over a million dollars mostly occupied by middle aged rich farts. Trust me there is no drive by shootings in this neighborhood, the cops spend most of their time staring at their radar guns and scratching their fat asses on Connecticut Avenue between East-West Highway and the Chevy Chase Circle by the DC line and harass daily commuters especially DC cabs.

You see, DC cabs are easy targets for cops these days especially after 9-11, because of the intense background check and shit we go through they know that we are not a danger to their safety when they pull us over. Back in the days cabbies used to have an impressive criminal resume, I could bitch slap my passenger in the morning and go to the DC Taxicab Commission the same afternoon and get my taxi license renewed and get a free lolly-pop on my way out with no problem, and that was the good old days. These days they even count the skid marks in my pants before they give me my Taxi-ID! So cabbies are no threat to cops and everyone knows it except this Chevy Chase cop who needed to have two more cruisers to attend my ass.

I got pulled over on Connecticut avenue near Bradley Blvd by a Chevy Chase police cruiser around five this morning while I was driving back home. It was still dark and I was tired and eager to hit the sack but luck wasn't on my side. After I handed my driver's license to a very short police officer I made a quick phone call to my friend Officer L who is a DC cop and was also on duty at the time.

MC: I got pulled over on Connecticut avenue
OL: By one of our guys?
MC: No, on the Maryland side
OL: Why would they pull you over? I know you don't speed, you drive like my grandfather! Do you have a passenger?
MC: No I don't, I was heading home.
OL: Those motherfuckers are like mall guards! so give them some respect and make them feel good, you probably have a blown headlight or something. Just chill! Call me if they lock your ass up, I have to go now!


The next thing I know there were three cruisers behind me and the midget came back to ask me if I am the owner of the cab. Even though the name on my registration and my license was a match the idiot still wanted to know if I was the owner! politely I said yes and gave him my insurance information. After a good fifteen minutes the motherfucker came back with a warning ticket for a stupid non operating rear tag lights (My tag plate has two bulbs and only one wasn't working! what a joke!) and I was on my way.

I don't understand why Montgomery County Police Department which is a fine real police department can't handle Chevy Chase instead of wasting extra money on those idiots? Can some one tell me why and how these neighborhood Rent-a-Cop operation works?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

DEPORTED TWICE

When I pulled over at the corner of 21st and P streets to pick up this chubby Latino dude, I started to ask myself "Where do I know him?" because his face looked very familiar. One of the skills I acquired over the years is to study a person's face with in a very short period of time and recall that moment if I ever see that person again. But I struggled with this fella, I couldn't pin point where or how we met before but as soon as he sat down and asked me "Where are you from my friend?" with a thick Hispanic accent I knew exactly who he was.

The last time I gave him a ride was six years ago but he has been in my cab quite a few times before that, every time he gets in my cab the first thing he says is "Where are you from my friend?" and then talks about his family's little farm in El Salvador, I heard the same story about ten times but I always listen to him attentively. On the way to Irving street in Columbia Heights I asked why I haven't seen him in long time and he told me that he had been deported from the U.S couple of times since then but managed to sneak back across the boarder again.

I admire people like him, even though he is breaking the law he is dedicated to work hard and better himself by risking his life crossing those boarders and more power to him until ICE gets a hold of him again. Americans just hate to admit it but this country needs people like him to keep this country going because we live in a lazy ass society where working hard is considered being ignorant lately.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

SPEACIAL THANKSGIVING


People who keep and maintain their cars with high mileages for lots of years tend to have long lasting marriages! I heard that sometime ago and it's true in my parent's case. My dad bought his Mercedes in 1990 and the car has almost 400,000 miles and he still does the 3000 mile oil changes like a clock work and the same thing with my mother even though she doesn't do a lot of driving lately.

My parents got married exactly fifty years ago and they had a great marriage and raised five kids and sent everyone of us to college.

"Hey Mad! I think your education at the University of Maryland paid off so well you belong to one of the elite group of DC cab drivers you idiot! I feel so sorry for your parents"

Fuck you! you jackass! Both of my parents are proud of me regardless, stop putting me down because I offer great transportation services to the fine hookers of the District of Columbia. I consider myself as a successful individual and don't forget I was the "DRIVER OF THE MONTH" for the month of June in 1996! How do you like me now motherfucker?

Enough about my success! It was a very special Thanksgiving and tonight we are celebrating my parents 50th weeding anniversary at a local hotel and all of my siblings and close relatives are in town for this special occasion. I am so proud of my parents for having a successful life together especially for beating the odds as an interracial couple during the 60's and 70's. Congratulations mom and dad!

I wonder if my mother is going to give my dad any action tonight after the party? Let me visualize that thought for a second...

Please don't forget the homeless while I go to the bathroom and throw up.

Mad Cabbie.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

EARLY MORNING FIGHT

I was trying to drop off two stripper roommates on Harrison street in Friendship Heights around four this morning but couple of blocks away from their house we were blocked by a couple of yellow cabs. The cab drivers were out throwing punches at each other, I think one of the dudes was bleeding but fighting fiercely. Normally I would go out there bitch slap them and break the fight but I am not strong enough yet to do that kind of shit and get my ass kicked so I let my stripper girls take a couple of digital shots of the idiots fighting and then I backed up, drove around the block and dropped them off.

That's one reason why you should not call Yellow Cab of Washington DC, unless you want some motherfuckers beating each other to death in front of your door because one of the morons was trying to steal the fare from the other jackass. Please call us here at Diamond Cab 202-387-6200! We offer comfortable rides, knowledgeable drivers of hooker hot spots, our brakes work about 68% of the time which is a DC record for cabs and for your personal entertainment, besides giving you a foot massage we play the latest Pakistani hits.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

HUSTLEMAN CHARLES

My man “Hustle Man Charles” is back again driving a cab. I was so delightful to see him last night because my night entourages are running thin since pastor Joe and Ali two fingers left the cab business and the death of Wall Street Tom.

Charles is a brother from Nigeria and every sixth month he walks away from cab driving to do something better but his ass always comes right back to the driver’s seat of a taxicab. The thing I like about Charles is, he goes out there and hustle and keep trying and he is not like most cab drivers like the rest of us who keep planning of something better and think that the cab driving gig is temporary business, and the next you know? You are celebrating your 50th year in the business and a few days later they drag your body out of the taxicab at the Union Station line after you passed away of old age. I don’t think Charles would end up like that because every chance he gets he goes out there and gives it his best shot and one of these days his master plan is going to work.

Charles is a real hustler, he can sell you a smelly old sneaker and you’ll go home happy with the garbage he just bought. He got skills but the ingredient he lacked was patience and maturity. I talked to him for a few minutes and I saw a different Charles this time who is calm and focused but still funny, I think his new IRS chick got something to do with his transformation. He talked about her a lot, he might have gotten pussy whipped or something. Hey Charles, you better pay up your taxes on time motherfucker! Those IRS agents don’t fucken play, you might end up locked in her basement doing her laundries for life.

I remember back in the days he was trying to get me to invest $5000 in some kind of shit I really didn’t understand so I ended up investing only five shares for five bucks just to get him off my back and the start up company failed and Charles was hiding from the neighborhood loan sharks, no nonsense brothers from Benning Heights who staked out his apartment every night with loaded guns. He had to come back and start driving his cab again wearing a fake mustache and a Rasta hat working twenty three hours a day sleeping at shady ass motels where they charged you by the hour and the cockroaches know you by name. Finally he paid off his debt and returned to his apartment without looking over his shoulders.

Welcome back Hustle Man but I am still waiting for my return on my $5 IPO investment you jackass, your shit better work this time otherwise I still have those trigger happy brothers from Benning Heights on my speed-dial.

Please don’t forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Friday, November 09, 2007

THEORY ON BISEXUALITY

It was my first night out to work in about three months last night and it feels so good, it was not busy for me at all, I think I made like two dollars or some shit like that but just being out there in my cab driving around Washington DC was worthwhile. Besides loosing a bunch of weight I feel good and healthy again. You see, I am one of those idiots who lives in a gym and who talks about muscles to other idiots like myself in the weight room so the idea of loosing weight and muscle made me so insecure and scared I thought each person who got inside my cab last night was going to kick my sorry ass. I look like a fucken ghost to be honest with you, but give me a few months I should be back right on track and start yelling at my passengers again.

It was a non eventful night but I had one interesting hot chick I picked up in southwest by the waterfront, she had a few to drink and on our way to Adams Morgan she was lecturing me on how everyone on this planet is born bisexual but majority of us don’t admit it and in between her comments she called a couple of people and left a message to a guy first and some chick on the second call and she leaned on the back of my seat and she whispered “Who ever calls me first is going to get laid tonight!” and she started laughing. I dropped her in front of the "Angry Inch" and wished her luck.

I don’t know, Is everyone really born bisexual? Don’t count me in because all I think about is boobs and…

Please don’t forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie"

Thursday, November 01, 2007

STRIKE FOR WHAT?

I just had an extended vacation at two different local hospitals, besides not remembering what happened for three days during my stay I am grateful for the medical crew who saved my life even though the first bunch screwed up big time. I wanted to bring a lawsuit but for some reason Johnny Cochran is not returning my phone calls so I just settled for future free flu shot coupons and a free autopsy which expires by December 31st 2007 if I don’t use it by then, I think I did well.

Thanks to everyone who wished me well and all the misfits of society who came to check me out at the hospital. At one point my mother with a horror look on her face said “Oh my God! where do you know these people?” and I heard the hospital had to install a temporary metal detectors and hire more security personnel to accommodate my guests.

I am back at home now and all I hear about is yesterday’s DC cabbie strike! You idiots need to shut the fuck up and move on with the mayor’s decision which could put more money in your pockets. I have never heard of a strike for refusing to make more money by changing a fucked up zone system to a fare meter system that could bring in more people to sit in your back seat. Unless you have been ripping off people there is no reason why DC cab drivers should be upset about the metered system and I know some of you are worried about the implication of the new system inviting larger companies and putting independent drivers out of business but as long as you don’t sell your licenses to those companies which the license is worth less than a toilet paper at this point you have nothing to worry about. What ever is yours now will be yours in the future, if the District government limit the number of cabs in the city under pressure of big companies in the future, the DCTC license (medallion) you paid $33.50 for now would be worth something and you might have a retirement in your hand! Have you checked what a taxi medallion cost in New York city lately? So when I come back to work next week I don’t want to hear no more crying, the public wanted meters and let them have it and we will make out good so bring it on.

To be honest with you the meter/zone thing doesn’t affect me at all because I barely pick up random people off the street or take radio calls anymore. I work in an underground night life that most of you don’t have the slightest idea that exists in DC. My regular riders call me and I take them where ever they want to go and they pay me what ever they want. They pay me in cash, bag of weeds, lottery tickets, food stamps, blow jobs, you name it I am a very flexible businessman but no credit cards accepted at Mad Cabbie's empire.

Please don’t forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Friday, October 26, 2007

MAD UPDATE

I am sorry for not being upfront about the condition of Mad Cabbie, I was confused myself I didn't know what to tell you because his condition was seriously bad at one point and the next thing you know he is cracking up with the nurses and a few days later he got violently ill again and was back at the hospital for the second time.

But anyhow I am happy to say I picked up MC today from the hospital and brought him home and he will chill out with me for a few days and I will send him packing to his crib. It was supposed to be a simple routine surgery but MC responded with some kind of allergic reaction to some medication which almost killed him. MC survived because of his good spirit and the good physical condition that he is in, if it was me I would of been buried a few days ago.

When he was checking out of the hospital everyone on that floor were hugging him it was like a farewell tour. An old patient next to him was in tears when she saw him leaving, even during his darkest moments he made everyone smile.

MC will recover 100% and he thanks everyone who wished him well and appreciates all of you who stopped by at the hospital and visited him.

MC is resting well after a few sleeping pills and I am on the way out to get my refund for the used coffin I bought for him.

So long and MC will take over soon.

Take care,

Pastor Joe.

Friday, October 19, 2007

THE BACKSEAT SEX

For some of you folks out there fucking in a back seat of a taxicab after a night out and few drinks is a thrilling adventure that you can talk about the next morning at the office water fountain. Unless you are an exhibitionist or a freak who’s trying to torture your cab driver by making him helplessly horny, getting laid in a backseat of a car is not a comfortable mission at all, in fact it hurts all the joints unless it’s a roomy limo or van otherwise you might get almost killed like Pastor Joe.

Few years ago I used to have a regular passenger and let’s call her Julie. Julie was a thirty something cute face big blond and when I say big I am talking about 5’ 11” and 280lb or more heavyweight and I am a skinny ass 5’ 9” a buck fifty, when you see me walking next to Mad Cabbie I look like a fucken starving midget. After driving her a few weeks late at night from the law firm she worked in downtown DC to her home in east Silver Spring our conversation grew more intense and personal.. She was a married woman who’s having problems with her husband who calls her “fat” all the time. She told me she ballooned from 155 lbs to where she was after having three kids and her weight got out control and the husband didn’t want to touch her at all. She got emotionally attached because I listened and I wanted to get in to her extra large sized pants! You hate me? Fuck you! What am I supposed to do? I was a desperate horny cab driver who wasn’t getting any.

To make a long story short, one night we were parked at a parking lot of a church on Wayne avenue in Silver Spring and started to make out as usual but this time we were both in the back seat and that was the night for the Pastor to make his move and it worked. Clothing were coming off and I was on top of her struggling to…you know what right? The next thing I know I slipped and fell on the floor between the front and the backseat and she fell on top of me and got stuck, she was struggling to pull herself off me and I was fighting for my life trying to push her away from me. This went on for a good one minute and it felt like a long fucken year and I thought I was going to die of brain damage.

That was my last attempt of a backseat booty and I started to take her to some cheap ass Silver Spring Motel on Georgia avenue, I think it’s a Montgomery College building now that motel doesn’t exists anymore. Even back in the days in high school when I dated my ex-wife who was skinny we did it quite a few times in my back seat and never was good for me and didn’t like it at all.

But whenever you freaks start to do the nasty in my cab, I see dollar signs and I demand at least $40 up front and 99% of the time guys don’t care whenever pussy is on the line, they are happy to cough up that extra $40.

Take care,

Pastor Joe.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

FAREWELL TO ZONE SYSTEM

After 30 years of debates and bureaucracies the District government, thanks to mayor Fenty made the final decision to install meters in DC cabs and bring us back to civilization. The present zone system which could be very confusing to most passengers is going to be a thing from the past. In a zone fare system you could end up paying much more for short rides than those long rides which can take double amount of time. In another word people who ride those short trip are subsidizing the longer rides.

If you ask yourself the question what kind of passengers who typically ride these two types of fares, my twenty plus years of experience as a cab driver in Washington points out that it all boils down to racial and income line. Majority of the DC residents are African Americans and majority of those are low income and when you look at the white demographics it’s completely the opposite as you may know already, I am probably the only poor white person in Washington who doesn’t have a trust fund. Those expensive short rides are frequented by professional white passengers and majority of those longer relatively inexpensive trips are made by low income African Americans who can’t afford to tip their drivers.

So what’s the outcome is going to be from the mayor’s decision? People can have the feeling that they are not getting ripped off by some dishonest cab drivers even though they are going to end up more for their fares in most cases because of the combination of the time and distance meters and Washington’s hell traffic. I really don’t understand the dumb ass cab drivers who object to the idea of meters because the cab drivers are those who are going to come up as winners as the new system brings in a higher mileage rate, getting paid for sitting in traffic and more passengers who didn’t trust the zone system before. The losers? Low income African Americans who work in the city and live across the bridge in south east or deep north east who can not afford the meter which calculates distance and time like their white counterparts can. Is it fare? I don’t know! but what I know for sure is it’s not the responsibility of the private cab industry to bring affordable transportation to some city residents.

Fortunately or unfortunately we live in the capitalist mecca of the world we call the United States of America and we don’t give a shit about our poor, elderly or the sick. So people in Anacostia, I can understand that you might be pissed off at mayor Fenty but at the same time I would start flipping over those bus schedule again because there is nothing you or the cab drivers strike can do anymore, It’s pretty much a done deal.

And for you whittie transplant DC resident who were crying over the zone system all these years, I am pretty sure even with the meters installed you will find something to cry about! Like “You took me the long way!” "Is that meter working correctly?” “I don’t like the cologne you wearing!” because most of you out there are natural born cry babies! We shall see and time will tell us all.

Take care,

Pastor Joe.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

JET

Back in the early 90’s Washington DC was labeled “The Murder Capital of the World” due to the alarming rate of murders among crack hustlers fighting over territories. Driving a cab during the night was a dangerous business especially in deep south east and north east DC but I didn’t give a shit at all, nothing scared me because I was an angry white man who was mad at the world so getting shot and killed was a blessing in disguise for me and there were times that I prayed for some kid to take me out of my misery by smoking my ass but at the same time I was making a shit load driving a cab cruising through neighborhoods where cops are scared to go to. Everyone was my friend, they were happy to see a cab in their hoods picking up people and most hustlers preferred to take a cab to move around town.

They used to call him "Jet”! he was a black kid from the projects who dropped out during the 9th grade to hustle the streets of Washington and had a dream of being a drug king-pin. In those days pagers were the high tech way to communicate and I used to get quit a few pages every night from him and drive him around where ever he wanted to go. He used to tell me that I was a “crazy white man with a nigger’s heart” for having the balls to show up in his hood, I didn’t care all I wanted was his money and he used to carry thousands and thousands of dollars in his pocket, I don’t think they had banks in his hood, all the banking transactions were made in liquor stores where you can find them at every block.

It was the September of 1992, I picked Jet up from the section 8 apartments he shares with his mother and three other siblings. It was a slow night for me and I was happy to get a page from him to pick him up, I desperately needed some cash to pay up my bookie who could be trigger happy at times. I drove him all over the place and spent a good three hours with him and some other thugs and finally I dropped him off at his girlfriends apartment in Capitol Heights but for the first time ever he didn’t had the cash to pay me and I was fucken pissed because I was expecting at least a couple of hundred dollars from that trip, he tried to calm me down by giving me the “Scarface“ VHS movie he carries with him where ever he goes, he tells me he watches that movie at least three times a day. So I didn’t have any choice but to wait for a couple of days for my cash and I moved on to my next job with a freaken Al Pacino flick as a partial payment.

A week passed without getting paid, he wasn’t responding to my pages and I was getting annoyed. So one day I dropped of some mental-case at St Elizabeth’s hospital and made a quick stop at Jet’s apartment since he lived a few block away from the hospital. When his mother opened the door the apartment was full of cigarette smoke and little kids running around and she was watching the re-run of “Miami Vice”.

Mother: “What the fuck you want? Who are you?”
Pastor: “I am Joe can I talk to Jet?”
Mother: “Are you a cop?”
Pastor: “No I am cab driver!”
Mother: “A cab driver! I didn’t call for no fucking cab!”
Pastor: “No I came her to see Jet, is he around?”
Mother: “No Jet is dead!”
Pastor: “What the fuck you mean he is dead?”
Mother: “He got killed last week OK! Now leave me alone!”

And she slammed the door on me. To be honest with you, at the time I was more pissed that I won’t be able to collect my couple of hundred dollars than him being shot and killed because I really didn’t give a shit about him. I admit that I was a complete ass-hole but what can I say? that is the nature of night driving, you have to be a ruthless motherfucker to survive, there is no room for cry babies at night shift.

Later I found out that he died the same night I dropped him off in Capitol Heights, they shot and killed both him and his girlfriend while they were walking back to her apartment from a 24 hr Chinese food carry-out joint.

To this day I still have that “Scarface” movie in my basement and “In the memory of Jet” written on the cover. There are quite a few of my passengers who had gone six feet under but Jet is the only one who comes to my thoughts from time to time! Or is it the devil side of my mind thinking about that $200 I didn’t collect?

Take care!

Pastor Joe

Friday, October 12, 2007

PASTOR CHECKING IN

When I met Mad Cabbie for the first time 16 years ago at a Seven-Eleven in Georgetown, he looked like a confused kid just out of high school wondering around a college campus not knowing where to go. We started a casual conversation walking toward our cabs and we’ve been best friends ever since. He was a rookie cab driver the very first day on the job bitching about not making any money after ten hours on the road and hungry for information on how to be a skilled cab driver.

So that evening we ended up having a dinner together and had a long conversation about the taxi business and I gave MC a few tips on how to hustle the streets of Washington DC even though deep down inside me at that time felt MC wouldn’t make it as a cab driver because he was so clean cut and straight forward good person. You have to be a fearless asshole to be a money making cab driver especially if you are an overnight driver and I didn’t see that on MC at the time not knowing that he turned out to be a good student learning it from the master asshole.

After I lost my job as an air traffic controller twenty five years ago thanks to Ronald Regan and the last I heard he is burning in hell, and my divorce that followed, I was a loner who avoided people and would be friends and be miserable on my own and loved every minute of it. But there was something about MC that I could not explain, the minute you meet him he can suck you in and the next thing you know you are his buddy and you have him on your speed dial.

Even though I am a little older than he is I can say he is the best friend I ever had period. We are a complete odd couple when you see us walking down the street, a bolding red-neck and a metro-sexual brother! But we did all kind of wild shit together and worked well as a team. I taught MC how to hustle and make money and the bean counter that he is he taught me the most important skill, which is how to keep my cash and let it multiply.

When I came to the decision to give up cab driving and move on, the most difficult part of the decision was the idea of not hanging out with MC every night during the night shift even though we remain best friends and meet quit often outside the cab world. We still exchange some crazy ass old cab stories and laugh our asses off!

I will post some of my old cab stories as much as I can while Mad Cabbie is resting at his parents house after an emergency surgery. He is a strong kid and he will be all right and we will pray for his healthy return.

Pastor Joe.

Monday, September 24, 2007

HOME AGAIN

Thanks to everyone who left me those nice emails and comments to wish me well during my vacation in Ethiopia.

My friends, the time spent in Ethiopia was an experience of a life time that I will never forget for the rest of my life. I can not possibly write about my journey in a single post but I will try to sum it up during the next couple of posts without boring you or loosing the identity of the blog.

I was having such a great time I had to pay $150 penalty and extended my departure from last Wednesday and stay for a few extra days to be a part of this private party I had to go last Friday night hosted by some well known dude who knows how to throw wild ass parties and I was personally invited so I couldn’t resist staying for more fun.

I just got back to the States this morning so let me catch up with some sleep and I will talk to you soon.

Please don’t forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

THE LAST RUN

Last night I had to drive my friend Ms T aka the one legged hooker to one of her client’s residence in Potomac, Maryland around Democracy and Falls roads. The way it works is, depending on the period of time they require her services either I wait for her few blocks away or I just drive back to town hustle a few fares and I will go back and pick her up and go to the next stop and believe me this chick is busy making shit load of cash.

This client in Potomac is one freak motherfucker, he doesn’t want her with her prosthetic leg so she has to remove her fake leg and use her crutches to help her walk, I think he gets off on watching her hopping with one leg or something. So whenever I drop her off at this jerk’s place I put her pretty amazingly real looking expensive prosthetic leg in my trunk and go on my business back to Washington, DC.

When I got back to the city it was around three in the morning, I took River road hang left on Willard and a right on Wisconsin Avenue towards Friendship Heights and when I came to the traffic light on Western avenue I saw some dude waving at me to my left so I made that turn and pulled over for him.

“I am glad you came by because I was getting worried and can you please pull over to the driveway of the Embassy Suites Hotel please? my wife and kids are in the lobby waiting and we want to go to National Airport! Thank you sir!”

Usually I am not too crazy about driving long trips to the airport and that’s one of the reasons why I drive at night, driving to the airport especially to Dulles and BWI are 45 minutes trips and that’s too long, it’s like getting married to the passengers and usually business folks who do these kind of trips are boring people who take themselves too seriously, I prefer my loud night passengers who throw up on me once in a while.

So as soon I pulled up in front of the hotel the kids ran towards my cab with their little bags when they saw their dad with me and the wife followed with one of the suitcases towards the trunk. When I popped the trunk I heard one of the girls screaming her lungs out as soon as she saw that prosthetic leg sitting in my trunk, at first I didn’t know what was going on until the dad yelled “what the hell is that?”

I just completely forgot about the pale white fake leg in the trunk! I am not used to putting shit in my trunk because I barely drive people to the airports and never expected to open my trunk and who the fuck wants to go to National Airport at three in the fucking morning? So don’t blame me for scaring the shit of those little girls! So while in route to the airport I just told them the leg belongs to my girlfriend and calmed them down a little bit but I can see the mother in my rear view mirror glued to her kids in horror and the dad giving me that strange look. I wonder what he was thinking? He was probably asking himself and wondering…

“I thought these niggers were in to fat white chicks? And now they are going to take away our one legged white chicks from us? I had it with these brothaaazzz, it’s time to send them back to Africa!”

And that’s exactly what I am doing, going back to Africa! I picked up my visa from the Ethiopian embassy today and yours truly will be flying out to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia tomorrow and will be on vacation until the 19th of September.

I will see you when I get back and I love you all.

And always please don’t forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Monday, August 20, 2007

A SORE SHOULDER

As a veteran cab driver whenever I have someone who is completely drunk and out of it in my cab I make sure I get the complete address from the passenger before I even move or there won't be a ride at all. I go as far as checking the address on the driver's license if I think they are going to pass out as soon as they enter the cab. That's what happened last night when this toasted dude in his 40's was escorted by couple of bartenders and thrown in my backseat in front of Washington harbor in Georgetown.

The guy was so fucked up he couldn't even put two sentences together but I managed to copy his address from his driver's license and started to head north towards Deerwood in Montgomery county Maryland. My man was knocked out in the backseat and when we arrived at his place after about thirty minutes ride there was no sign of life at all in fact he started snoring so I had to carry him over my shoulder and started banging on the door of this pricey house of his. There was light on couple of the rooms upstairs to suggest that his wife or kids were still up and few seconds later couple of dogs started to bark, lights came on and a fairly good looking middle aged blond opened the door and that's when all hell broke loose.

She was screaming "Take this idiot where you picked him up from! That drunk you have on your shoulder is my ex husband and he doesn't live here anymore! Go away before I call the cops!" and the fucken dogs won't stop barking and on top of that my legs were starting to get weak, the guy weighed at least 170lbs and a drunk 170lbs is much heavier than what you would think.

When the tone of his wife got angrier and louder I started to turn around and walk towards my car and that's when the dogs started chasing my ass and I started running with the motherfucker on my shoulder while dragging one of the dogs across the driveway who got of hold of my army boots with his teeth until he let go when I kicked him in the balls or something. I managed to throw the guy in the back of my cab and ran for the front seat and I got out of that neighborhood packing 90mph and that's when the jackass woke up confused and started to ask me if I was kidnapping him.

To make a long story short I managed to get his current address from him which was three minutes away and five blocks from the pick up point in Georgetown which was at 31st and O streets instead of the 52 mile round trip and an hour and half drama I went through. When he realized what happened he was apologetic and paid me the full fare of the trip without arguing after we stopped by an ATM machine and it turned out to be the most expensive and longest five block trip ever and I am not complaining at all besides this aching shoulder and hopefully I will be fine in a couple of days.

But why would he still use his ex wife's address on the driver's license?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Monday, August 13, 2007

ETHIOPIA HERE I COME

It's official! I am heading to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia on the 29th of this month and will be back on 19th of September. I can't say how excited I am because this trip is different in all kind of ways. I am going to be among millions of people over there who're going to celebrate Ethiopian new millennium or the year 2000 next month.

Thanks to my friend Mr Girma, he has all kind of activities and tours planed out so there won't be any boring moment. I am thrilled that I will be visiting the old church of Lalibela located few hundred miles north of the city. I used to hear a lot about this ancient wonder from fellow Ethiopian cab drivers and being there in person this time is cool and who knows maybe I will be back as a holy person after this visit.

You may disagree with me but I think Ethiopian chicks are one of the most beautiful women on this planet and they tell me that I haven't seen nothing yet in comparison between the Ethiopian women that I see here in the Washington area and the chicks back in Addis Ababa so we will see if Mad Cabbie comes back with his new African bride and a big smile on his face.

"Mad! don't even think any hot Ethiopian girl would be bothered to look at your ugly ass, they are like those Jewish chicks who only prefer their own men!"

That's what you say but my sources in Ethiopia tell me that this chick is singing about Mad Cabbie and she can't wait any longer until I go over there and sweep her off her feet! Enjoy this video from Ethiopa.


Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

ANN COULTER


I remember back in the days watching Ann Coulter who is the so called pin up beauty and a reckless loudmouth of the Republican party lived in DC do her morning jog without the makeup on and she used to scare the shit out of me, of course in those days she wasn't that famous and she didn't give a shit if she looked like one of those chicks with dicks in Dupont. But look at her on TV these days! and those makeups do wonders and all the tricks and I wonder how many hours does it take the artist to transform Ann Coulter to look like a woman? trying to hide those Adams apples should take hours man!

Last night I was driving some idiot to Lincoln Park while listening to my favorite overnight radio talk show "Coast to Coast AM", the jackass kept interrupting me by telling me annoying stories about Ann Coulter on how smarter and more beautiful she is than Hillary Clinton. When I suggested to him that I think Ann is some ugly dude who pretends to be a woman, he didn't like that at all and he kept quite for the rest of the way and when I dropped him off he made sure he counted his change and paid the exact amount with zero tip but I didn't mind at all because I managed to listen to the rest of the interview on the radio without a lecture about Ann Coulter.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie

Friday, August 03, 2007

OSCAR IN THE AIR


Let me get this out of the way first! the second date with Kate was full of fun but again nothing happened beside few make out session here and there, I am not going to lie to you and write about steamy love making episodes but sorry to disappoint you. I am invited back to Maine though, Is Maine in the United States? or do I need a passport to travel over there? Can someone please check and get back to me on that? I hear that there are not too many brothas in Maine!

Sorry for the disappearing act again! As you may know I am involved in a couple of homeless shelters in DC and Baltimore and this time of the year a lot of the volunteers go on vacation and we go short handed and I have been doing all kind of extra shit I don't even have time to fart!

On top of all this for the last few months some film producers got a hold of me and they want to do a documentary piece on taxi-cabs (I can't say in regards exactly about what at this time) for a major production company. So it's only talks at this point nothing concrete yet but lots of meetings and traveling, God! I feel sorry for you guys who have to sit in these kind of meetings all the time, they had to wake me up quite a few times whenever I doze off.

So already I am dreaming about the documentary winning a Grammy and...

"OSCAR! you idiot it's not a Grammy."

Whatever dude, all I know is some of the cab drivers like Lugosi getting jealous and pissed and throwing beer bottles at their TV sets when they see Mad Cabbie accepting his award from Halle Barry while squeezing her ass and making my typical rapper style acceptance speech.

"...I thank my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ who's been always there for me, I thank my Grandmother who raised me while my old man was in the joint for life, I thank my babies mamas all twenty three of you! I also want to thank the motherfucker who robbed me and decided not to shoot me about ten years ago, I would like to thank the redneck cracker who is also my best friend Pastor Joe for his spiritual guidance, I would like to thank Mr Ghost and Mr Hook for keeping my passengers happy during their time of needs, I also would like to thank the one legged hooker for keeping me busy running me around all over the place, finally I would like to thank all the cab drivers in the world who have the balls big enough to drive around fucken strangers in this twisted world of ours day in and day out, night in and night out and still making it home to your families and for those cabbies who didn't make home, rest in peace hommies!"

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

MAD'S NIGHT OUT

Yes that's right cab drivers go out and have fun too! you have a problem with that?
Tuesday night (July 4th eve) when I was getting prepared to go out I was telling myself that I HAVE to get laid that night because it has been almost two month for me and I was real horny and I was on a mission.

My friend Sarah had her two of her old girlfriends visiting from Maine staying at her apartment in Dupont and she was having a small get together party. So the plan was to stop by her party and see if I can hook up with one of her friends and sneak out of there and go out for more drinks and dancing and see what happens.

I live 30 miles north of DC in Columbia, Maryland so I drove to my parents house to leave my car there since they live only a couple of miles outside the city. I bullshitted with my old man for a few minutes and I took a Barwood cab to stop by at "the Dancing Crab on Wisconsin Avenue and have a few drinks and say hello to my bartender friends, I left the Dancing Crab around 11 and took another cab to Dupont to attend Sarah's party.

The room was full of chicks, It was like a paradise for guys, there were about 30 people in the party and I will say about only ten guys. I was dressed all black and simple but nice. I pulled Sarah over and I asked to be introduced to her friends from Maine and she did, both of them were attractive but my eyes were on Kate, she is tall maybe 5'9"-5'10" and and very outgoing. The party was boring and lame (sorry Sarah!) but I even told her then. You see Sarah works in Capitol Hill and all her friends are the young congressional aide types and they were just standing against the wall and sipping on their drinks and engaging in boring conversation to be carried on at a party! I am all for stimulating and intelligent conversation but give me a fucken break it's the July 4th weekend I don't want to hear about the failed immigration bill.

I called my man Ghost and he said he was at the 1223 club chilling and I asked him to wait for me and hanged up the phone. I then turned around and asked Kate and her friend if they wanted to hang out with me and party, they wanted to but later in the night so I gave them my number and I left.

I walked a few blocks to 1223 and the line to get in was packed around the block, while some of you motherfuckers were waiting to get in, Mad Cabbie hugged and hi-fived the bouncer, chit chatted a little bit and went right in leaving your sorry ass behind. Ghost and Co.were setting in one of the VIP rooms so I relaxed and had more drinks with them but since my objective for the night was to get laid I had to move on and split from that party again but I was beginning to get toasted.

I left 1223 a little after one o'clock and hopped on a cab towards Adams Morgan and my phone rang and it was Angry Dan! I know Angry Dan through Wall Street Tom (God bless his soul) Dan was also Italian who grew up in Brooklyn with Tom. He is always angry about something but always proud to mention that he has a huge dick by saying "Even niggers pray to have my Italian dick!"

DAN: Yo Zebra, what you doing nigger? are you working
MC: What's up Angry, No I am not working, I am on my way to Adams Morgan!
DAN: What the fuck are you doing in Adams Morgan?
MC: I am trying to get laid tonight man, I am going to hit the clubs!
DAN: Are you turning in to a rookie? Fuck Adams Morgan! get your ass here to the Bunker ASAP bitch! It's a full house tonight and Pastor Joe is on the way!

I told my cabbie that there was a change of plans and he detoured and gave me a ride to the Bunker. I threw in an extra $10 on top of the fare and my Afghani driver was asking himself "When did these niggers start tipping like this?" but he didn't know that I am a fellow driver. When I take cabs it means that I am drinking or drunk and when I am having a good time I don't like to talk about the cab business with a fellow driver by letting him know I drive a cab as well so I always like to be a regular drunk passenger and talk shit, like this driver was rapping about his family opium farm back in Afghanistan and what it was like growing up working in the farm back in the days! It was an interesting ride.

The BUNKER is at an undisclosed location like Dick Chaney so I can't talk about that. It's like an after hour members only social club and when I say members only it's not like you carry a members ID but they have to know you to let you in. I was one of the first regulars when this Russian chick started the joint over ten years ago and it's open until 6am. There are all kind of finger foods and boozes you want but there is no check or bill, technically the food and drinks are free for legal reasons but there is a big ass jar where you can leave a tip for the service. (You get it?)

When I entered the dimly lighted room I saw a group of hookers I knew over the years as they were playing cards and I stopped by their table and said hello. Sitting alone next to them was J, a very hot young hooker maybe 20 or 21 smoking a cigarette and looking very depressed so I sat with her for a while and cheered her up a little. That is one girl I really want to save out of that life style but it is a very hard thing to do because she is making way too much money for her age. I walked over to the other room and there were bunch of area bartenders having good times and to my left I walked towards Angry Dan, Pastor Joe, Mr Hook, Fox the Cabbie, some guy I don't know and three biker chics who were Pastor's guests. I pulled a chair and sat and introduced myself to the chicks and boy I don't know where Pastor found these old chicks, they look 80 or something and at my drunken stage my chick age limit is 70 or 75 but 80 is pushing it boys and girls.

Around 3:30am my phone rang and I was completely toasted at that point, It was Kate the chick from Maine calling, she said Sarah's party was over and everyone was tired but she still has few energy left and that was music to my ears since I gave up the idea of getting laid to that point. I called a Diamond Cab for her to pick her up from Dupont and bring her to the Bunker and 45 minutes later here she was showing off her long legs. I met her outside and held her hands and guided her inside and by the look of her eyes she was kind of shocked to see all the shady creatures having a good time 4:30 in the morning.

She had couple of more drinks and was getting tipsy but we had a great conversation and lots of laughters and sitting next to her and watching those legs and feeling them mad my pipe overextended. I was enjoying her company but she was tired and we left the place around 5:30am and I didn't want to try a fast one and mess it up so we took a cab back to Dupont but we did make out a little bit in the lobby and said good bye. We do have plans to hook up again Saturday before she leaves on Sunday back home and I know Pastor and the rest of you are thinking that I am a pussy because I didn't close the deal but I know what I am doing so shut the fuck up.

By the time the cab dropped my drunk ass off in front of my parents house it was close to 7am, so I sneaked in to the basement and crashed until I sobered up.

"What a fucken looser you are Mad! you're too fucken old to sneak in to your parents basement drunk you idiot!!!"

Whatever man, all I know is I had some difficulty sleeping while my dick was yelling at me telling me what a pussy I was not letting him have some action that night and this story is to be continued....

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Friday, June 29, 2007

DENNIS KUCINICH FOR PRESIDENT

Few years ago I gave a ride to a group of young toasted congressional aides from a bar in Capitol Hill and they were talking about some rumors going around that then the single congressman Kucinich is packing a well endowed pipe in his pants. I didn't make much of it then until I looked up the papers today and read about last night's democratic presidential debates, and I checked out a picture of the congressman and his young hottie wife Elizabeth Harper who is half his age and probably a foot taller and very smart as well.

You guys keep telling me size doesn't matter but I think differently! If your chick is trying to tell you that it's either she is trying to be polite looking at your peanut size dick in disgust, or she is trying to comfort herself for settling for a small wiener. If that rumor is true, look at what my man got himself on his side. Fuck it man! Forget Hillary, I am voting for congressman Dennis Kucinich for president, he is my new hero now.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Friday, June 22, 2007

A CAB DRIVER'S PROFILE

After careful and extensive analysis here are the top ten reasons why someone becomes a cab driver in America:

1-Your country doesn't want to hear from you anymore.

2-You are on your 20th year still working on your first degree by going to school at night and all the janitors know you by name.

3-You are a loner and want to live in your own little world until something better comes along and nothing better shows up and finally they find you dead inside your cab.

4-You are pissed off at the world and you all you need is just money for food, shelter and for your fashion appetite from the local thrift store from time to time.

5-You are a serial killer who never got caught and you just want something to do during your down time until your next masterpiece.

6-You hate to be confined working at the same desk and you drive around checking out booties while getting paid.

7-You are a fucken retard and don't know shit besides driving a cab.

8-You are on the run from the law enforcement.

9-You are a fine law biding citizen who believes in hard long hours of work and support your family and send your kids to college so they don't have to experience what you went through.

10-You have a physics and mathematics degree from a very good school, you worked for a federal agency for two years and you woke up one morning and decided to be a cab driver and gave your supervisor a thirty days notice.

MC: Mr Garrison I am leaving by the end of this month sir!
MR G: I hate to see you go kid, did they offer you that position at NSA?
MC: No they didn't but I want to do something else.
MR G: I know you are not happy here but you need patience, you are just a kid out of college, what else do you want to do? are you going back to school?
MC: No, I think I want to drive a cab for a while until I figure things out!
MR G: WHAT? DRIVE A CAB? are you going crazy? (laughing his lungs out) let me tell you something kid...


That thirty days notice didn't mean jack because they escorted me out of the building through the boiler room like a criminal the next day and the last I heard Mr Garrison is still laughing his ass off.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

P.S I forgot my old uncle's reason for driving a cab!

11- You are retired from the goverment and you want to get away from that nagging old crow wife of yours sitting on the kitchen chair!

Monday, June 18, 2007

SHORTAGE OF CABS IN SEPTEMBER?

The DC cab industry is dominated by the Ethiopians, there are about 8000 legal and licensed cabs in DC and more than half is operated by Ethiopian drivers. I am probably one of the last American born drivers in existence, most of the remaining native born drivers are so old they are driving around with their own coffin in the trunk in case they drop dead.

Most Ethiopian drivers I know are going back to Ethiopia to celebrate the year 2000 back home. Ethiopians use different Coptic calendar and maybe the only country to do so, so they are seven years behind us and they are going to party big time in to the year 2000 and strangely September 11th is their new year's day!

My dear friend Mr Girma has invited me to go to Addis Ababa with him and his family, he has built a big ass mansion back home like every Ethiopian cabbies in Washington. I think $1 US is like $1billion Ethiopian dollars or some shit because most of them have big houses in Addis Ababa. So all I have to worry about is my plane ticket only according to Mr Girma and I am seriously thinking about it. I always wanted to visit Ethiopia, it's a unique African country and rich in history, my father's generation growing up looked up to Ethiopia and Emperor Haileselassie because at the time that was the only free black country on the planet that white people didn't fuck with. (with an exception of brief period of the Italian invasion during the second world war) And who knows I can hook up with a hot Ethiopian chick over there.

So ladies and gentlemen, you can bet your life that flagging a cab in Washington DC will be a little harder than usual in August and September because there will be thousands of cabs with their "OFF DUTY" signs parked for a month or so and even Mr Mad Cabbie may party in Ethiopia as if it's 1999.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Friday, June 15, 2007

PAIN...PAIN...PAIN.....

Check out my sexy size 13 foot! You know what they say about men with big hands and big feet right? Look at my big toe all bruised and a cracked toe nail!

Last week some dumb ass at the gym dropped a 20lb iron weight on my foot by accident and I was crying like a baby for three days. It was amazing that the x-ray results didn't show any broken bone, but it was painful even though it felt better after a gallon of brandy. I was walking around wearing some big ass sneakers looking like a freaken clown because my regular size shoe wouldn't fit in but now everything is normal besides those nagging pains here and there.

I hope your week was better than mine was.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Monday, May 28, 2007

THE 100 METER DASH

Some people get in to my cab and instruct me to "go straight!" when I ask them where they want to go. Either you're watching too much movies or you have to be a retard to jump in a cab and not tell the driver your destination, of course not all of you know the exact address of where you going but the least you can do is come up with cross streets or some kind of land mark like "The crack house next to Janet's Whore House" or some shit like that so I can get my gyros aligned and fill out my manifest properly. This is what happened couple of nights ago when I picked up some idiot around 3rd and Massachusetts Avenue NE few minutes after midnight.

IDIOT: Keep going straight
MC: Ok, but can you tell me where you want to be dropped off?
IDIOT: Just drive straight man.
MC: I need to fill out my log can you please tell me where you going?
IDIOT: You can write down the "White House"
MC: But are you going to the White House?
IDIOT: No, I want you to go straight!
MC: Who are you? A fucken comedian?
IDIOT: What the fuck did you say?
MC: You know what? This ride is over, I need you to get out of my cab!
IDIOT: Fuck you! by law you have to take me anyplace I want!
MC: I am fucken serious, I need you to get the fuck out of here!
IDIOT: What the fuck are you going to do if I don't?

My mentor Pastor Joe had taught me a trick to do in this kind of situation long time ago so I grabbed the iron pipe I carry under my seat, I popped my trunk, I got out of the cab and started banging on the rim of the spare tire loudly with the iron pipe quite a few times and when I started walking towards his side of the door, the jackass was out of the cab doing the 100 meter dash towards Union Station trying to save his life from a psycho cab driver! yelling "You're a crazy nigger! You're a crazy motherfucker! I am going to report your ass!"

I laughed my ass off and moved on, and few blocks away three hot chics flagged me down around 12th and K street and they wanted to go to Wisconsin and M and we laughed more together on the way to Georgetown when I told them what just happened.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

TAXI FARE INCREASE

The District of Columbia Taxicab commission approved $1.00 fare increase per ride due to the rising cost of gasoline effective yesterday. Some of my passengers were bitching and moaning when they found out about the new fare and I can feel your pain but you have to understand that besides the rising fuel costs, my insurance, vehicle repair, dispatch fee, license & registration, the bribes at the inspection station and my hooker bills are going up also. So let's help a brother out and when you get in to my cab stop crying on my ass and pay the full fare please.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

THE HOLOCAUST NEVER HAPPENED


"These blood sucking fucken Jews got us in this heat and now we can't get out of this Iraq mess!"

That was the angry response from my thoughtful passenger last night after he listened to the BBC radio station I had on while they were doing some analysis about the Iraq war. I think some white people feel comfortable bashing Jews in front of a black person because they automatically assume every African American is anti-Jewish and would clap and echo their views with them. I can tell you I have heard it all from my riders both black and white folks, holding the Jewish conspiracy responsible for the cost of high DC cab zone fares, the out come of the American Idol, the death of Anna Nichol Smith, and all the way to the 9-11 tragedy.

What strike me about this person was that he is not your usual average dump ass idiot who gets his information from the fatso pill popping Rush Limbaugh, Micheal Savage and alike. He is a WASP in his 60's maybe 70's who just retired from George Washington University as a professor and I hope he wasn't a history professor because he wouldn't answer when I repeatedly asked what he taught at GWU but he kept on lecturing me how the holocaust is an exaggerated myth created by the Jews to gain sympathy from the rest of the world and he suggested that I check out the Nizkor Project for a start and mentioned all kind of books written by other academics. He didn't like my sarcastic question when I asked if the genocide in Rwanda and the slavery in the United States had ever happened? that's when he stretched from the back seat and whispered in my years "You need to educate yourself young man! and be ready when the time comes!"

Be ready for what? but I was ready to get paid though when we got to his crib around the Watergate. He paid me and gave me the "You stupid no good son of a bitch!"look and said good bye and I cruised on into the darkness of Rock Creek Parkway thinking about how this one big happy family we are living on this freak of nature we call our planet.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Friday, May 18, 2007

HAMBURGER! FELLATIO ON THE SIDE

DC Cafe is located at corner of 21st and P streets in Dupont circle and that's our stomping ground when cab business slows down at night. We made a quick visit for a burger last night with a friend and I shared this story I am about to tell you with him.

About a couple years ago Pastor Joe and I were chilling and having coffee around 3 in the morning at DC Cafe. There were couple of gay dudes sitting and enjoying their burgers at the next table. They were drunk, loud and obnoxious but being in Dupont circle that wasn't out of the norm so we ignored them and continued with our own bullshit. Few minutes later and all of a sudden there was silence, one of the guy was still eating his burger and the other we didn't know were he went at first until the guy who was eating started to moan and the table started to shake. His friend was sucking his dick under the table while he was chopping down his burger.

If you are a heterosexual male, a dude giving another dude a blow job is not some shit you want to see so we got out of there quick. I was more amazed by the guy's state of relaxation when eating his food while some dude was blowing him. I think he is probably the only dude on this planet who eat and gets a blow job at the same time.

Please don't let this scare you off, DC cafe is still a great place to eat after hours and they are open 24 hrs a day, very nice atmosphere and people are friendly or too friendly I shall say.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

THE CHINA BUS

This is a snap shot I took last night in Chinatown at the corner of 7th & I streets near the Verizon Center, all bright, lovely and people walking around having a good time with a peace of mind that there is a strong police patrol checking out half naked booties.
And look at this bus parked in some shady ass dark alley just half a block away on I street between 7th and 6th street, where nobody will hear you if you scream your ass off when you get mugged.

This is one of the five different spots in town where these so called "China Bus" pick up their passengers who line up for a super cheap $30 round trip ride to New York city! How the fuck do they make money charging those fares? and sometimes they are not even half full. The word from the street is that these buses are owned by the Chinese mafia in New York! and please note that I didn't come up with that assessment because I don't want those Chinese brothers do a Jackie Chan on my ass.

So next time you ride with these buses please don't be surprised if your luggage is mixed up with few Kilos of coke or some shit but in the meanwhile I will stick with my old fashioned Greyhound Bus for a few dollars more.

By the way I would like to thank all of you who emailed to check on me because you were concerned about my sudden disappearance from the blog world, I am sorry that I didn't respond, I was little down for couple of month but I am feeling energized and ready now so please forgive me.

And as usual please don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.

Monday, March 19, 2007

DC TAXICAB COMISSION

DC Taxicab commission oversees any vehicle for hire which operates in Washington, DC and handles all the complaints. There are I think five overpaid commissioners who do nothing but have meetings just to decide on when to have the next meeting. The last final ruling they made was July of last year, at least that was the final ruling they have posted on their website.

The commissioner pulls in about $100K a year and his deputies not too far behind him and not an ounce of guilt on stealing the check from the city.

"Mad, are you crazy? Now that they know who you are, good luck on renewing your Taxi ID this year! How dare you criticize them openly like this? They will probably take you to their basement and rough you up a little bit!"

They can kiss my ass! If they try to intimidate me or pull some shit, I can defend myself, they better understand that I used to watch a lot of Court TV and I am very knowledgeable about my legal rights.

So Mr commissioner, now that congress and the President gave you the green light to make your decision to change the DC zone system in to meters or not, how about looking at that GWU taxi meter study results you had months ago and pass on your recommendation to the city? so that old fossil Carol Schwartz can sit on it for another year or so!

Please don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

IT'S NOT THE SAME ANYMORE

Sorry again for the slow update for anyone out there who cared to check this blog from time to time. Lately cab driving is not as fun as used to be anymore, two of my dearest friends walked away from hacking to do something else and that sucks! My mentor Pastor Joe and the coolest Pakistani cabbie of all times Ali two fingers called it quits few weeks ago.

I am happy that both of them came to a point in going forward toward their dreams of owning their own businesses which I will talk about in the future but for the first time ever that It felt like I am going to work when ever I back out my driveway to start my shift. All these years I always looked forward to go to work every night because it was fun mainly because of these guys, the times we meet up at DC Cafe at three in the morning and bull shit I am really going to miss. The only upside to this is I took over all of Pastor Joe's shady clients and add those to my dysfunctional regular riders list, I am making shit load of money, I don't even have time for regular street work. If you are out there trying to flag Mad Cabbie at night, unless you flash your boobs or something the chances are I got some transvestite hooker in the back seat who is in a hurry to be dropped off at one of your senator's residence and I can't jeopardize our national security by pulling over for you.

I always think about quiting this shit myself because I really don't want to be an old gray haired cab driver that some of you jack asses are going to make fun of in the future. Right now I am in control of things in side my cab, Not even you K street big shots or some bad ass nigger in the ghetto intimidate me because I think I can take care of myself and I don't give a rats ass of who you are. But when you get old, things change and people start taking advantage of you and I don't want to put myself in that situation so I think my own shelf life as a cab driver is coming to an end pretty soon.

"So what the fuck you're going to do Mad? NASA is looking for few good rocket scientist! and with your impressive resume as a career cab driver they might be interested in your fume soaked brain you retard!"

Thanks for putting me down you jackass! and for your own information I can work for the DC government pulling $100K/year for scratching my balls and doing nothing and I don't have to speak English either and if you don't believe me check out the DMV sometime soon.

And as always please don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

THERE ARE NICE PEOPLE OUT THERE

For some of you dumb asses out there who think every DC cab driver is out to get you, I would like to share this email I received from Natalie:


From:
"Natalie ******" <********@hotmail.com>

To:
madcabby@comcast.net
Subject:
There are nice people out there
Date:
Monday, February 26, 2007 12:29:12 PM


I want to share a great act of kindness from one of your fellow taxi
drivers.

This past Saturday I was shopping with a friend in Georgetown when we hailed
down a cab to take us to Frontpage in Dupont. At Frontpage, as I reached for
my ID to order a drink, I realized my wallet was missing. I had it seconds
before I entered the cab so I assumed the only place it could be (after
checking the curb outside the restaurant) was in the cab I road. Panic
struck as I had no idea the cab number I had road in, let alone even what
company it was. I immediately thought okay, time to cancel my credit cards
but thought I'd give it a chance and call some cab companies to see if
anyone turned it in.

I really only know of two cab companies in DC off the top of my head, so
this was not going to be easy. I called Diamond first. The lady who answered
the phone thought I was nuts and gave me a nice lecture on how unsafe it is
to not know what kind of cab you get into. She said to call back in 15
minutes. I called two other companies I looked up on Yahoo yellow pages in
the mean time, both laughed at me and basically said f-you. Just when I
thought it was gone forever, I called Diamond back and sure enough they had
it!!!

I was put in contact with the driver and he came to my apartment to drop it
off. He said he even looked for me at Frontpage when he noticed it was left
behind.

I can not begin to tell you how grateful I am to this nice man for going the
extra mile to return my wallet. Such a deed should not go unnoticed. In a
world were everyone is only looking out for themselves, this is quite a
shocker. He really made me believe once again that there are nice people out
there.

I will definitely "pay it forward" and keep this gentleman's good nature
alive.

Unfortunately, I am not sure of his name or cab number (I know, how could I
not look the second time). If you hear anything about this story or this
man, please give him my thanks again!

Best,
Natalie


I thank Natalie for sharing this story with us and most DC cab drivers are responsible good people with the exception of Pastor Joe of course.

Please don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

WASHINGTON CAN EAT YOU ALIVE

There is this chic who lives in the Mount Pleasant section of Washington, very bright, busy and attractive. She moved to Washington as a part of staff for a newly elected congressman from the Midwest few years ago and works in Capitol Hill. She usually calls our cab company around 1:am and goes to a well known bar in Georgetown. The word on the street is that there is some dude who hangs out at the bar and around the rest rooms at this bar/club she visits and supply his coke, crack and weed to his customers. She usually goes in and come out quick and make the cab wait for her to take her back home.

Most of the cabbies know that she is hooked on that shit and lately she is going down to that bar more frequently than before. I think she is trying and working beyond hard to advance her career and reputation in Capitol Hill, she is involved in too many projects than she can possibly handle, the help of narcotics is catching up with here and I can see that she is falling apart but unfortunately she doesn't know it yet and maybe she thinks she is ahead of the game. I can tell you as a person who is around homeless people all the time for many years, life stories I hear from most homeless people are pretty much alike, they start out as well functioning citizens in their own rights until their ill faithed encounter with drugs and become a victim when it runs it's course and takes over their lives to the point of no return.

And she reminds me of something that I read somewhere...

"When a man comes to Washington...It's because he wants something. And I know that as a rule he's not going to get it; that he will stay and try for another and won't get that; the same luck with the next and next, and keeps on till he strikes bottom, and is too poor and ashamed to go back... and at last his heart breaks and they take up a collection and burry him"

By Mark Twain from Colonel Sellers.

Please don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie

Monday, February 19, 2007

CAPTAIN JACKHAMMER

If you live in the Washington DC area your ass is probably frozen by now. God! it's bitter cold out there and the cab business is booming, I have been working the last four nights or so and it's pretty much no competition at all, all the day cabbies go home early and when I come out to work all night, it's like being licensed to print money. Last night I drove about ten hours non stop and there were calls after calls! Can someone give me a massage please? my back is hurting.

One of my regular riders (an airline Captain) whom I didn't hear from in a few months called me last night to be picked up from the Grand Hyatt on H street. I like this dude, we always have great conversations. He is from the west coast and flies for one of the major airlines. He is a single guy in his late forties or early fifties, he kind of looks like Richard Greer with the gray hair, tall and in a very good shape.

When ever he is in town he slips away from the rest of the crew where they stay in a hotel in Crystal City and sneaks in to Washington and hangs with this married Jewish lawyer from Bethesda. They have been seeing each other for the last two years or so and he always talk about her and tells me what a piece of ass she is but I have never seen her before until last night for the first time and he ain't lying, what a gorgeous woman!

He wanted me to drop him off at his hotel in Crystal City first and drive her to the Bethesda metro station where her car was parked. While on the way to his hotel they were making out, giggling and laughing in the back seat like teenagers and I thought to myself "How does a married woman manage to stay out late and hang out with a middle age hunk in a city where she can be noticed by people her and her husband may know?" I guess late night client or associate meeting could be an excuse maybe?

When we got to Crystal City he told me to make sure to drive her back safe and paid me $60 for the whole trip which was very generous and we said good bye. During the twenty minutes trip to Bethesda she didn't say much besides telling me she likes the music I was listening to (XM channel 84) and I didn't want to bother her by yapping my mouth to her because I kind of understood the guilt trip she was going through in her mind and on top of that she was exhausted and knocked out, I guess the captain used all kind of tricks!

I know spousal cheating is nothing new and men cheat all the time, I don't care how many times a day that your hubby go down on you, how many flowers and chocolates, how many love letters, if your man gets the chance and thinks he can get away with it, he will bang that new pussy in heart beat! trust me on this one. But through my cab driving experience I noticed more and more women are cheating on their husbands, I guess it's payback time. But all I know is there is some poor dude out there in Bethesda while helping out the kids with the home work, his wife was getting nailed by Captain Kirk.

Please don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.