CABBIE, I NEED TO SHAVE MY PUBS

Julie is a hooker we have known for a number of years and I saw her last night crossing Independence avenue in Capitol Hill. She was professionally dressed and was carrying a bag. The way she carried herself suggests that she may not be in to the escort business anymore.

Julie is a real baby face, hot body about 5' 7" blond, blue eyes and amazing white teeth. The first time I met her about five years ago, I was shocked to see her hustling. I thought she was fourteen or something and I was afraid that I might get busted for transporting a minor. That night she wanted to be driven to a house in Woodley Park to take care of one of her clients who called her on short notice.

"Do you mind if we make a quick stop at the Marriott so I can shave my pubs?"

That's exactly what she asked me minutes before we got to the house. She was explaining to me that her man was in to completely shaven pussy and doesn't tolerate a single hair. So we made a quick detour at the Wardman Park Marriott and she ran inside to use the lobby bathroom. While waiting for her I kept asking myself on how a once a proud member of the United States Marine ended up as a cabbie, waiting for hooker, while she shaved her pussy clean in a hotel bathroom?

She came back fresh and smelling real good for her man of the night. I dropped her off around the corner after making arrangement to pick her up later that night. I ended up being her driver for the next three years.

By the way what's up with the guys in to bald pussies? Ladies if your man is in to that shit you better hide the little girls away from him! That's all I can say. I like my ladies bushy and natural, I want to go camping in that joint motherfucker!

Finally I want to say that I hope Julie is not hooking anymore, I know it is a business hard to get away from because it's addictive like cab driving. Don't go too far, just look at me! I thought I was done cab driving? Not a chance, my ass is back hacking but I don't want to see Julie back working the streets anymore.

Later,

Pastor Joe.

I CAME BACK FOR THIS?

My fellow DC cab drivers, make sure you lube your asses real good every time you come to work because we are getting fucked by the current fare rates. I started to second guess myself on why I returned to cab driving on my first night back last night.

I made the stupid move to pull over for a girl holding a light bag standing at the corner of Wisconsin and Garrison around 4am. Normally, I avoid a potential airport job, I look the other way and drive off whenever I see people drag their suitcases and waive their hands. I am a hood hustler fuck the airport work, every now and then I get paid with a bag of weed but that's okay, that's how I roll motherfucker. I was on my way back to the city after dropping off a group of drunk people in Bethesda when I pulled over for a tall skinny girl. By the way she stiffed me on the tip because I don't support gay marriage like she does, I am not like those idiots who just agree with your bullshit just to be polite, fuck you!

To make this sorry ass story short, the metered fare ended up being $39. 50. What the fuck is going on? $39.50 to drive your ass all the way to Dulles Airport and listen to your bullshit on top of that? This same trip would cost her close to $60 when she catches back those Virginia airport cabs when she returns back to town. This will be the last Dulles Airport trip that I will be running, I am going to drop the old classic Pastor move that I use to avoid these slave jobs!

The head clown Uncle Tom, oops I am sorry I meant to say Mayor Fenty! He is going to be a one fucking hit wonder, he is not going to carry ward 7 & 8 like last time during the next election. I can't believe Uncle Tom Jr, ooops again! I meant to say Mad Cabbie, volunteered for this idiot's campaign last time. This motherfucker is completely destroying the working class in the District of Columbia as Ronald Reagan demolished the American middle class! He is setting up the individual DC cabbie to fail so he can hand it to big corporations on a silver platter.

The fares are slashed at least 15%-25% and on top of that the city has started issuing new licenses to thousands of new drivers. Washington DC has the highest number of cabs per capita in the nation already with out the new drivers! Pretty soon drivers will be drawing guns at each other for the right to pick up a fare. What does this tell you about Fenty's administration? What is the message? I think it is loud and clear! It's time to stack up those KY Jellies fellow cabbies, God help you are going to need it big time. The CVS on DuPont Circle has them on sale! This week only while supplies last!

Next time I just stick to my hood jobs, motherfuckers are not going to bother me to take them to the airports from the slums. Maybe to the Greyhound Station on their way to an exotic vacation at the Kings Dominion, and that's fine with me.

Later!

Pastor Joe.

HEEEEEEEEEES BAAAAAAACK!!!

I have known all along that this cracker would come back. The master hacker His Excellency Pastor Joe will be back in the cockpit of his cab some time this week. I can not tell you how excited I am, this motherfucker taught me everything I know. I do believe he is the best hacker in this city and Washingtonians are lucky to have him back on the streets.

I think Pastor Joe is the only cabbie who hangs out around DC jail to pick up his regular clients, even Mad Cabbie has his limits.

Welcome back Pastor!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

MAD THE MENTOR

I was parked and chilling outside the Channel Inn in south west eating an apple until I was interrupted by this kid who was riding his bike. He sneaked up next to me and scared the shit out of me.

ME: What the fuck is wrong with you, you little fuck! Don't you ever sneak up on me like that!
CJ: Sorry Mad, I haven't seen you in a long time, I thought you quit driving a cab!
ME: No CJ I had to be with my dad for a while, he passed away a couple of month ago.
CJ: He got killed or something?
ME: NO! You dumb fuck! My dad died of cancer, you little piece of shit!

I really don't blame CJ for thinking that my dad may have been killed by someone. In his world every dead person he knows was shot and killed by gun violence.

CJ is a short 5 feet nothing 18 year old who dropped out of school three years ago. A classic ghetto tale, father doing time, mother on food stamps living in a section 8 development off Delaware avenue and all that good stuff. Quite a few times I tried to get him in to some programme so he could take his GED test but I never succeeded. CJ is a small time hustler with a "Scarface" dream, so education is not on top of his priority list.

ME: So what are you up to these days CJ? What are you doing up two in the morning?
CJ: You know the drill, trying to get paid! You know what I'm saying?
ME: You better get your shit straight CJ!
CJ: it's rough out here Mad, Niggers popped Skippy few months ago you know!
ME: Skippy? Is he that fat kid who walks funny?
CJ: Yes that's him! They smoked his ass in Baltimore.
ME: I am surprised he lived this long! What is he 22 or 23?
CJ: Some shit like that! Listen Mad, can you help on that GDE thing?
ME: First, It's GED you ass wipe! Second, I am done with you! Do your own shit!
CJ: I promise, I won't fuck up this time Mad!
ME: CJ, just go to a fucken library, they will give you all the information you need.
CJ: It's like that uh?
ME: I had it with you CJ, now leave me alone and let me eat this stupid apple.

Cj got irritated and took off with his bicycle but he came right back to deliver a piece of his mind.

"You're full of shit Mad! I don't need a fucken GED! You have a college degree, but look at you, you're a fucken sorry ass cab driver! PUNK!!!"

CJ disappeared in to the darkness and I didn't have any response to the torpedo he just fired my way, he wouldn't understand anyways.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

RUSH "TO EAT" LIMBAUGH

Look at the new face of the Republican Party! A sexually confused fat man if you notice carefully the way he is sucking on that stupid cigar, He likes it big too!

I thought I was the only one who found the Wanda Sykes "I hope his kidney fails!" line very funny. Everyone is like "she went too far with that cheap shot!" Cheap shot my ass! I laughed my ass off! My friend Lizzie articulated the reasons very well why Rush "To Eat" Limbaugh don't deserve an ounce of sympathy for the beating he took that night. In fact Lizzie concluded her post by saying:

"I'm vehemently against torture. But I would happily waterboard Rush any day."


I hope he wakes up with a hemorrhoid a size of a basketball! How you like that one?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

WHY CALL DIAMOND CAB?

Last night I picked up a petite young blond from a bar in DuPont Circle. She was trying to get home around Logan Circle after a bartending gig. She could have easily walked out to the street and flagged a cab off Connecticut avenue but instead she called Diamond Cab and paid the extra $2.00 charge for the service. But she was telling me that ever since she got robbed by a thug who was driving a stolen cab she was riding in, she stopped catching a cab off the street whenever she rides alone at night. Cabs get stolen all the time and who ever drives the stolen cab could have an open crime season to do what ever he wants if he decides to pick up people. I think she is lucky person that she is still living.

This is another reason why you should call Diamond Cab, especially if you are a chick riding alone at night. Don't call our only competition (Yellow Cab)! The drivers are ugly motherfuckers and they only take showers on holidays. Here at Diamond Cab, drivers are required by management to take a shower at least once every other week but most drivers I know are hygiene freaks and they do shower every Sunday.

Here is our call center number if you need it! (202)387-6200

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

THIRD TIME IS A CHARM

I have been robbed at gunpoint couple of times. The first time I got robbed I almost pooped on my seat but I ended up just having a few brown skid marks in my pants. Just as a reminder on how my job dangerous it could be, I have that same messy pants nicely framed and hanged in my living room. Sometimes I have visitors to my house asking me, "Hey Mad, we didn't know that you're in to abstract arts! Is that a Picasso?"

"That's not a Picasso motherfucker! That's what night cabbies pants look like every time a gun is pointed at the back of their heads!"

The second time was a little different, there were no skid marks or anything like that. I was cool and calm and the jackass who robbed me was nice and polite as well, I think I gave him my card in case next time he needed a ride.

Lately I am kind of feeling my third one is past due, especially in my case who never cherry pick his passengers. You could be waving your gun with one hand and a crack pipe with the other to get my attention, and my dumb ass would stop for you to take you to where ever shit hole you belong to. This time I am hoping to have a drink afterwards with the next motherfucker who's going to rob my sorry ass.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.