Thursday, December 28, 2006

HAPPY NEW YEAR

I thank everyone who read this stupid blog and would like to wish you and your families a healthy, peaceful and productive new year. I have been busy for the past week and last night was the last working night of the year for me and I thank God for helping me to have another successful year.

"Ha ha ha...Mad, you are a fucken cabbie for God's sake, a Cab driver and the word success don't belong in the same sentence you loser!"

Shut up bitch! You trying to put me down because I drive a cab? and I don't care what you say but my year was a success.

We haven't heard from Pastor Joe for quite some time because he is at his gravely ill father's side at a Baltimore hospital and we are praying for the best.

I am leaving for Las Vegas on Saturday to spend new year's eve in the sin city and travel back to Dallas on new years day to visit my brother and his family and watch some football games together. I will be back to DC on the 3rd but I won't be back to work until the 8th so there is going to be some down time to stare at the wall and do some thinking.

Like I predicted the Redskins will finish their season on Saturday with a win against the Giants and will have a 6-10 record. I will predict that the New Orleans Saints and the San Diego Chargers will be the contenders for the Super Bowl and I also predict that I might get laid in Las Vegas.

Please drink responsibly and don't throw up all over my fellow cab drivers!

Please don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

BRUSH WITH DEATH

I was reading this post by OC girl and the post was about the last Christmas gift Lizzie gave to her boyfriend Jesse which required thoughts, determination, effort and a little luck. The result? The best Christmas present her boyfriend ever got! Please read it it's a nice warm good spirited story.

"Mad are you dying or what? what's up with the uplifting Christmas story?"

No I am not dying, the reason I mentioned OC girl's post is because, like I commented in her blog I want to talk about the best Christmas gift I ever got and mark the 10th anneversery of that gift and I am not talking about that ugly ass purple jacket that Pastor Joe gave me years ago.

It was the night of December 23rd 1996 few minutes after eleven O'clock at the corner of 10th and G streets north east, a fine African American gentleman in the back seat of my cab said to me with a loud nervous voice: "CUT THE CHEESE MOTHERFUCKER, UNLESS YOU WANT A HOMICIDE IN THIS JOINT!!!" For some reason I wasn't nervous or scared in fact the phrase "Cut the cheese" was kind of funny thing to say while knocking off a cab driver I wanted to laugh, but this was no laughing matter the nigga didn't have time for a laughter or a chit chat, it was a serious business with a gun pointed at the back of my head. While I handed over my wallet and cash I said with a calm voice something like this, "I know it's tough out there bro and take everything... It's all there... I am not looking just run and Merry Christmas!" I was calm even though I was shitting in my pants.

The only time I saw him was when he entered my cab at Georgia avenue and it was dark, I never turned around and looked while the robbery was going on and after I gave him everything and he listened to what I had to say, there was a pause for a few seconds and I thought I would see what my brain looked like all over the windshield but instead the punk said "IT'S YOUR LUCKY NIGHT AND I WILL LET YOU LIVE MOTHERFUCKER!" and he opened the door and ran away in to the darkness.

I am one of the few cab drivers in Washington DC who pick up everyone without judging or discriminating, maybe that's not smart on my side but what the fuck, there are lots of decent and money paying brothas who need my service and I didn't let that incident discourage me to continue to do so. I look at it this way, he got what he wanted that night, few bucks! and I got what I always want, my life! and that was the best Christmas gift I ever had.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie

Thursday, December 14, 2006

T IS FOR

Here's how to play: Comment and I'll give you a letter; then you have to list 10 things you love that begin with that letter. After, post this in your blog, and give out some letters of your own.

I got the letter "T" from RED.

10 things that I love that start with the letter "T".

1- Tits: They're so nice and soft to touch, beautiful to look at and a mouthful to...

"Hold it right there Mad! This is a family friendly blog okay! we get the idea!"

2- Tuborg beer: If you are in to the horse piss garbage we brew here in the U.S, you need to start drinking this fine Danish beer. Beer is not my choice of drink (Got to watch the abs) but if I feel like it, it's always Tuborg or Carlsberg.

3-Thievery Corporation: These guys put out some bad ass music and they grew up just outside Washington DC in Maryland, check them out.

3- Thyme: This herb is a must have at Mr Mad's kitchen, you put this bad boy in any pathetic junk that you attempt to cook and are Julia Childs all of a sudden.

4- Tribe Called Quest: These brothaz, in my book are the best hip hop group ever walked on this planet, they are the real deal, forget the MTV wanna be gangsters with Ferrari and booty shaking chics, If you wanna see the real gangsters in the hood you should ride with me at night some time, the brothaz don't drive Ferrari they ride with Mad Cabbie. Tribe Called Quest are not record label commercial product they are real artists with unique talent.

5- T-Bone steak: The say the best meat is always closer and attached to the bone and I agree, I like it bloody please.

6- Twilight Zone: One of the best TV series put together and Rod Serling was a genius way ahead of his time.

7- Tyra Banks: Haba haba haba... I don't know what but there was some kind of movement in my pants while I was typing her name.

8- Tip: Yes that's right I am a cabbie and I like getting tipped well, I am not your usual lame ass cab driver who just drive to your destination, I can also speak English with limited number of words, I can entertain you, hook you up with chics, you can shop for your daily dose of crack in the comfort of the back seat of my cab, I let you give a blow job to your man in the back seat, you see all these fine public services deserve a fat TIP.

9- Tequila: I don't like drinking a lot but if I want to get a buzz with out consuming too much, just a few shots of tequila will do the trick and I am good just drinking tonic water for the rest of the night.

10- Teeth: I mean a good healthy clean teeth, nothing like a chic with a perfect smile. Kim, my on and off long time girlfriend/friend/buddy since high school has the most perfect teeth I have ever seen and that's sexy. You can tell a lot about a person just looking at the teeth, the hand and the shoes. In fact when I check out a chic I try to look at the teeth before I zoom in at the boobs! and in case if you are wondering my teeth are some of my best assets.

There you go Ms Red and thank you for inviting me to play this game.

Eryn: "W"
Claire: "B"
MJ: "O"
Dublin Cabbie: "P"

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

TREES GONE WILD

This is one of the few effects that a global warming can cause to our environment, so please think globally and don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

TAGGED

I got tagged by Xtreme English and I have to write six things about myself and tagg other six bloggers, so here it is....

1- I used to break dance a lot during the early eighties and still do in front of a mirror when nobody is around! Imagine a 6'2" 200lbs freak moving around like a mental patient!!! One time my niece caught me doing my moves and she was horrified by what she saw and she is probably damaged for life.

2- Growing up as a kid Jack Lord from Hawaii-Five-O was my hero, I always wanted to be like him when I grow up and say "Book em up Danno!".

3- I used to have a huge crush on Meredith Baxter from "Family Ties" back in the 80's and I still think she's one beautiful classy woman. When ever I watched family ties my pants used to be down my ankles if you catch my drift!

4- I am a closet Bette Midler fan and I am 100% heterosexual male.(I hope Pastor Joe doesn't read this post!)I think she is the funniest female entertainer who can do it all.

5- After a hot shower I like to sleep butt naked, I like the feel of a clean sweet scented sheet, it helps me sleep faster and I think you need to breath freely down there, you know what I mean!

6- I am definitely a mama's boy and I talk to my mother almost every single day and I become paranoid if we skip a day or two. But if you see me out there I look like a bad ass motherfucker who just stabbed his mother, so don't judge a book by its cover, there is a soft side of Mad Cabbie.

Now I have to find other six bloggers to tag, definitely not Pastor Joe, if he put up his list I think he will be arrested and get 15 to life, so let me play it safe.

DC Cab Rider
Paradise Driver
Taxi Vignettes
Lugosi
Cabbie Tales
Freddybeach Cabby

You all been TAGGED by Mad Cabbie! so lets get busy.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Monday, December 11, 2006

HELL CAB

Few years ago I picked up a lawyer from downtown around mid night and drove him to Montgomery General Hospital in Olney Maryland. He was in a rush to be with his wife who was in emergency labor to have their first baby and after a 16 mile ride I got him there in a relatively short time, he thanked me and paid me very well. As soon as I was ready to pull away from the drive way of the emergency room a very attractive chick and a couple of Montgomery County police officers banged on my door to get my attention and I stopped. The cops asked me if I can give the young lady a ride home back to Rockville but I was trying to explain to them that I can't take her because it's illegal for a DC cab to pick up a fare in Maryland and she has to call for a Maryland cab, I thought the police were trying to set me up but they weren't, they told me she has been waiting for a Barwood Cab for over half an hour and they haven't showed up and she can't wait anymore and I noticed that she started crying aggressively. I hate to drive around outside my comfort zone and she was taking me away from my route back to the city but her tears were all over her face and I couldn't say no and the cops said to ignore the stupid law and they just want to make sure she gets home safe as early as possible.

She was a brunette in her early twenties and wouldn't stop crying even after I made a few attempts to ask what happened. A few minutes in to the ride she calmed down a bit and after a short quite moment and with a weak sad voice she said "I just got raped tonight!" God that was a shocker! and how do you respond to that? "I am sorry?" I just didn't know what to say my tongue was tied and I was angry. To make the long story short her co worker forced himself on her when they stopped by his apartment to change outfits for a night out clubbing after an office Christmas party. I don't know how many times I have said "I am sorry" but what else I could have done? nothing!

When we arrived at her apartment in Rockville without asking how much (DC cabs don't have meters) she handed me $40 for maybe a $20 fare and thanked me for the ride and she exited my cab. I TOOK THAT MONEY. On my way to DC I was pissed at my self for taking that cash, I didn't even offer that the ride was on me but I was frozen and wasn't thinking I guess, or was I another opportunistic cab driver? how many times in our life time that we would meet a person who just got raped? and I was asking myself "Why didn't the cops give her a ride?" maybe it's against their rules, I don't know but what kind of shit hole world we live in? I was troubled for the rest of the night.

A couple of years after this incident I stumbled in to this movie called "Hell Cab" or "Chicago Cab", it's a very well done and well written cab movie ever and I think who ever wrote the script had driven a cab at some point in life because it is very realistic and there is a part in the movie where the cab driver encounters almost the exact same story I told you about, it's like a twilight zone episode. When I watched that scene of the rape victim (Jullian Moore) in the back seat of the cab and the cab driver's reaction to her story, I cried because it reminded me about that poor brunette and I am usually not an emotional person at all to begin with. The other creepy thing about my story and this movie is both happened around Christmas time and the actor who was the cab driver (Paul Dillon) played the part excellent but don't think that I am a pussy like he played his part, there is a 99% chance that I can kick your ass if you are out of line.

Excuse me Mad! But didn't couple of transvestites in South Beach chased Pastor and your ass few years ago in Miami? and you guys were running for your lives Mr wanna be macho man!

Come on man! you don't have to go there! embarrassing me in front of my readers you jackass!

If you like this blog you will love HELL CAB so when ever you have the chance during the holiday please rent this movie and tell me what you think, this is a great Christmas movie okay! fuck "It's A Wonderful Life"

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

BOMBAY TAXI DRIVER

I am glad that I don't drive a cab in Bombay after watching this flick!


This dude looks like my friend Ali Two Fingers it's so creepy! Enjoy.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

ONE LEGGED HOOKER REVISITED

Ever since that post "Hooker With One Leg" this blog has been getting thousands and thousands of hits from all over the world through a news group link called AmpLinks in yahoogroups.com devoted to amputee news, discussion and photos. When our one legged hooker friend Ms T was told by the Pastor that I posted a little story about her, she wasn't too sure but now that she's getting all these attention she wants to have her own website.

So listen up you creeps, any guy who would like to meet a very attractive 5'9" blond amputee and also have the skill to build a quality website for her and I am not talking about those cheesy ass web sites that my ten year old niece can download, it has to be a real cool commercial type quality escort service website, so she is looking for someone to work with and must be over 25 years old and you might get lucky so please drop me an email. Serious inquires only otherwise if you try to bullshit her she will kick your ass with her prosthetic leg.

I have been busy lately hustling and working hard with my regular riders and Pastor's shady clients. Thanks to you Pastor I am having fun with your niggas with AKs in my back seat motherfucker! I am glad you're coming back to work tonight after your extended trailer park vacation you white trash! because I don't like your clients and I am fucking tired! by the way the poll results we got last week suggests that 96% of you think that this blog is not offensive at all and THANK YOU.

Thank you Ms T for keeping me busy and you are the only Pastor's client I really enjoy driving you around, besides that you are sexy and hot you are intelligent and full of visions and we will get this website going for you soon, thanks to my scary fans.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad "Pimp Daddy" Cabbie.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

FREDDYBEACH CABBY


Mike aka "Freddybeach cabby" is a fellow cabbie and a blogger from south of the border, New Brunswick Canada.

"Mad! what fucken planet are you from? Jesus! we know that Americans are dumb asses when it comes to geography but are you really that retarded to know that Canada is north of the boarder?"

Sorry Mike, I started out in DC public school systems and most of our teachers were on crack at the time I was learning about Canada and I hope our new mayor elect Mr Fenty will take over the schools and fix it. Let the record show that I figured out that Canada is north of the United States.

Mike looks like a guy that can kick your ass at any given moment, look at that scary picture of his, but this dude got a strong and big heart and people like him inspire me and keep me going. You think you have a problem? How about your teen age daughter getting killed by a drunk driver for a starter? Yes, Mike lost his daughter couple a years ago because some motherfucker decided to get loaded and drive. This kind of horrible tragedy has to be any parents worst nightmare, it's not something that you could let go for the rest of your life. Mike's doctor suggested to him that he writes a daily journal about his day to day life to help him cope with the loss of his daughter and for the past year and a half he has been posting interesting stories and I have read all of them and whenever you have the time I suggest you check it out.

And this year Freddybeach Cabby is up for the 2006 Canadian Blog Awards and he is nominated for the best local blog category, the vote ends tomorrow and please VOTE for him and yes Americans are allowed to vote and yes your vote will be counted unlike Florida and Ohio. I have seen all kind of shit while driving my cab and nothing surprises me any more but one of Mike's post
"Too Late For That" really disturbed me and I suggest you read it.

Mike keep the good stuff coming and you are my hero sir and stay strong, God bless you and your family and good luck at the awards, get your tuxedo ready!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

KINKINESS GONE WRONG

When I picked up this dude in his forties in front of an office building in Chinatown at two in the morning I knew exactly where he has been. The old building has a few offices of shady injury lawyers, mom and pop accounting firms, so called Import export companies with one phone line, a fax and a soda machine, you know shit like that, but everything closes that time in the morning with exception of suite 207.

Suite 207 is occupied with few dominatrix chicks and transvestites we know who keeps us busy all night from time to time, in fact I have a few of them on my speed dial in case my stressful passengers need some relaxing time by getting some good time whipping. So this dude with suite and tie gets in to my cab and tells me he wants to go to Dorset avenue in Chevy Chase but wants to make a stop by the 24hrs CVS drug store at DuPont Circle. He had a black eye and a small cut on his upper lip and he was very uncomfortable and nervous. For a moment I thought maybe the dominatrix chicks didn't over dominate him, what if it was a robbery attempt or something? So a concerned citizen that I am, I asked.

ME: What the fuck happened to you man?
HIM: Some motherfucker with a gun tried to rob me and I had to fight and at some point we fell on the ground, I guess that's when I hurt myself...
ME: That wasn't smart dude, but I am glad that you are okay, Did you call the cops?
HIM: Thanks man I just want to stop at that CVS to pick up stuff and go home, fuck the cops they're not going to do shit! Just take me home!

He didn't feel like talking too much because he was lying to me and the minute he opened his mouth I knew he was bullshitting me. In DC if you fight an armed thug you are pretty much a dead meat, they will smoke your ass even if you don't fight them and on top of that I checked out his suit when he was walking to the CVS and not a single dirt or wrinkle, I guess it was a clean fight uh? Something definitely went wrong at suite 207 because I pick up some fine gentlemen all the time from there but never with a noticeable wound!

But you know what? If I visited a dominatrix and she kicks the shit out of me and somehow gave me a black eye, would I share the story with some stupid ass cab driver? hell no! I think I would be embarrassed just to admit that I am paying some chick to slap me around. I guess I am not a powerful white man, they say usually white men with money and power fit the description of men who pay a frequent visit to these macho chics. I can testify for that fact because when I dropped him off it was in front of a house on Dorset avenue could easily cost in the millions and I hope he didn't wake his wife up when he sneaked in the bedroom.

One of these days Mad Cabbie will hook up with a dominatrix and I don't want some 5'2" 100lbs skinny white chic just playing the part, I want some 6'4" 300lbs sista who can rough me up and kick my ass! I hope my dad is not reading this shit.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Monday, November 27, 2006

LET'S BE RESPONSIBLE

I hope everyone had a nice thanksgiving and made time to think and appreciate what you have because I know I did. Both my brothers were here in town and both of my sisters live here locally so everyone with their spouses and kids gathered at the dinner table at my parents house and it was wonderful. The highlight of the weekend was yesterday, our old man and his three sons went to the redskins game at FedEx Field and we had a great time and it reminded me of the good old days and on top of that the skins managed to pull a win so that was a plus. I was driving my brother and his family to the airport this morning and he started talking about Redskin's playoff scenario! what a retard he is. I still stand by my earlier prediction they are going to be a 6-10 team this year.

For those of us who drive cab at night, It's going to be busy until new year's eve because people are out partying a lot and for some of you irresponsible dumb asses who are thinking about getting behind the wheel after few cocktails, it's not worth it, a cab ride might look expensive at the time but it's not. Don't let me pick your ass up from the area police stations after few hours in jail, and I don't want hear that old story "I only had two beers!" bullshit, everyone and their mother tells me that garbage and I don't believe those sorry ass sad stories, so when you go out make sure you tag in a cab fare in your budget and you don't need to worry about killing someone or yourself for that matter. But unfortunately I might have some stories for you soon about a fare I am going to pick up from one of the police stations because some moron chose to drive shit faced.

Please don't drink and drive, and don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, I am going to be off the next ten days and chill so Mad Cabbie be careful out there at night because your babysitter is not going to be there when you cry out for mommy! I hope you'll take care of all of my businesses with out fucking up bitch!

I am going back to cave in at the trailers with my people in Bel Air but today I am going hunting, that's what we rednecks do, we hunt our own turkeys but if no luck I will settle for a bloody deer steak for Thanksgiving.

Peace,

Pastor Joe.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

TIC TIC TIC TIC TIC...

Tic tic tic...Yeah that's right, if you are riding in one of the 8,000 taxi cabs in Washington DC there is a good chance that you're running around in a back seat of a death trap. Thanks to Carol Schwartz, Motor Vehicle Department and the under achieving Government of the District of Columbia it's only a matter of time that someone is going to get killed because of those mechanically impossible to maintain old taxi cabs.

It used to be as long as you are legally licensed driver with a taxi permit you can operate a taxi business in the District of Columbia with out residential restriction for tags and registration, that means you can live in the outskirts of Washington DC like in Maryland and Virginia and still be able to register your cab in DC and make a living. Since last march the DMV started enforcing a law that require drivers to live in DC in order to obtain taxi registration and tags. That means drivers like my uncle who lives in Fort Washington Maryland and drove a cab in DC since 1956 can not replace his aging 1993 Crown Victoria with close to 400,000 miles with a 2006 Grand Marquis sitting in his driveway doing nothing just because he lives 5 miles outside the city limit. Does it make any sense? of course not! I wrote about this issue last July begging Council woman at large Carol Schwartz to resolve this issue after I read her quote saying:

"Schwartz said her staff is researching how other jurisdictions handle the issue, and a resolution is expected this fall."

Now winter is just around the corner and the rocket scientist at the District government are still studying this complex problem and they might need the help of NASA to solve this issue. You know what Carol, you are getting fat and lazy because you have been there too long and it's time for the resident of the District Of Columbia to stand up and raise their concern because this is some serious shit and be aware that there is a language in DC taxicab insurance agreement stating that a taxi SHOULD BE MECHANICALLY SAFE AND MAINTAINED. If you're riding in one of these cabs glued together with a duck tape because the owner can not register a newer cab in his or her name, I hope you don't get in to an accident due to mechanical malfunction of the cab because the insurance may refuse to pay for your medical bills and how do you maintain a vehicle which is not supposed to be on the road in the first place?

But I am optimistic because there is a new young sheriff in town, Mayor-elect Adrian Fenty and I hope he will clean house, and he started by appointing DC Police Commander Cathy L. Lanier a young 39 year old single mother with an impressive accomplishment to be the next DC police chief. I am tired of the business as usual bullshit in the DC government and it's time to clean up those unqualified paper pushers who can't put two sentences together if your life depended on it.

In the mean while make sure you say your prayers before you step in to a DC cab but in case you get in to an accident and the insurance doesn't want to cough up that $50,000 maximum, now you know who to sue because the driver doesn't have jack!

Please don't forget to help the homeless before you get in to a DC cab.

Mad Cabbie.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

GUY TROUBLE?

I get quite a few emails from you fine Americans and most of them are from guys who want to know the best place to pick up chicks and some want to know the best bars, good restaurants, happening nightclubs and there are the unusual, like the couple who asked me to refer them to a swingers club in DC and which I responded to all of you with helpful tips. But the number one inquiry so far? "How can I meet the one legged hooker Mad Cabbie?" After the "THE HOOKER WITH ON LEG" post, you perverts topped the email count with TWENTY EIGHT different requests from as far as Australia for a close encounter with Ms T. Wow! I didn't know that chics with one leg are a hot commodity.

I tell you what! for you chics out there who can't get laid or having difficulties getting a guy? I think it's time to loose one of the legs ladies, and those qualified scary gentlemen will be in line fighting for your attention and I have a bunch of their email addresses for sale!

"Lugosi, don't be alarmed I am not going to sell yours! "

Please don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.

P.S To the racist dude who keeps torturing me about staying away from a woman I have never met in my life, Why don't you ask her out yourself you dick less pussy? Scared? I figured out that you work together with her! One of these days if you notice a tall brotha in your office bitch slapping your ass, that will be yours truly Mad Cabbie!

Sorry I had to squeeze this in guys, this dude is getting annoyingly smarter and my response email to him keeps bouncing back so I would like him to read this as a warning! and if any of you computer geeks out there show me how to trace a fake email address please email me, will you? I am pretty much a retard when it comes to computers.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

By the way Mad that was a great post about saving and shit, and I want to tell your readers that I taught Mad Cabbie how to make money and he showed me how to save it and I thank you for that. The thing is people are so weak they won't follow your advice otherwise I will be out of business. I live off people's weakness, misery and bad habits. Yes that's right I capitalize on your nightmare, yes I said it and do you hate me already? fuck you! I am not out here to be your friend, if you want a teddy bear go read Mr Roger's oh I am sorry I meant to say Mad Cabbie's posts.

I love you weak people, you know who you are, a lobbyist on K street during the day and in the back seat of Pastor's cab at night wearing your jogging suit and a "Stanford" cap enjoying the ride en route to southwest to pick up your fix. You're a pussy to go by yourself and that's were uncle Joe come in the picture because those niggaz down there love me, they have to put down their AK-47s in order to hug me, and when I come back with your shit your wallet better have "Pastor Joe" written on it.

I love you miserable souls and you know who you are, a sexually frustrated confused middle aged lawyer with a bad mustache during the day and in the back seat of Pastor's cab with a young Filipino man on the way to the Marriott in Crystal City, you know I am going to charge you more than what you charge your clients because those Filipino boys are hard to find on P street. Hey Mr Hook, you better expand your biz in to young male hookers nigga, I hear there is going to be a huge potential market for the new congressmen because those young pages are not available anymore, until then Pastor is counting his money.

And some of you including Mad Cabbie have called me a racist on my last post because of my honest little observation, and that's not true because I am one of the few white card carrying member of NCAA so zip it Mad!

"It's NAACP you retard! you're too white, short and old to be in the NCAA Pastor Joe!"


Whatever Mad, you're not even real black you fucken malado, the brothas I know look like Wisely Snipes and I know more of them than you do nigga. Remember years ago when I used to live at 49th and East Capitol in south east with that black stripper? I used to be the only white man in that zip code and the black kids used to call me Santa you jackass and don't you call me racist anymore because I am still Santa for the ghetto kids.

Peace.

Pastor Joe.



Tuesday, November 14, 2006

SAVINGS TIPS TO CABBIES

I don't buy stuff because I can, I buy when I think I can afford to pay for it without getting in debt and with out compromising my savings principal and my life style. That's why I maintain zero debt (exception of the mortgages) and it is a very simple rule to follow unless you are a slave to commercials and in to "I need to have it NOW" mentality. I give a huge credit to my father for teaching me how to handle money at a young age and my background in mathematics to not allow myself to be raped by the banks.

Most cab drivers are poor because they lack the knowledge and principal on how to handle cash oriented business, it's not that they don't generate enough cash, as a matter of fact driving a cab if you are creative and consistent enough you can end up saving good amount of cash in a relatively short period of time.

To my fellow cabbies and who ever is in the business of getting paid cash everyday like waitress and bartenders and so on the following tips are Uncle Mad's manual on how poor cab drivers and alike can learn how to save too.

TIP #1 Get rid of your television set! No I am not joking, you can not afford to sit on your ass and watch some tubes while you have a money making machine parked outside. If you are tired get some sleep instead, if you're bored get in to an interesting hobby or do some volunteer work, you can meet some interesting people and get laid at the same time. I think TV is one of the reasons why Americans don't have enough savings, TV is for rich people!

TIP #2 Exercise! By sitting on your fat ass and driving all day your body is not getting enough exercise and you will be exposed to chronic diseases like high blood pressure, diabetics and heart problems and so on. You don't have to join a gym to be in shape unless you want to check out some ass while you work out like I do at Lifetime Fitness. The DC area have so many parks where you can run and you can buy some weight sets and other exercising tools and work out at home and save some on gym dues.

TIP #3 Eat Healthy! Stop living on fast foods and greasy shit, it will make you tired, lousy and unproductive besides loading up on your bad cholesterol. Brown bag healthy food and water of your own, it's much cheaper and you will do your heart a favor.

TIP #4 I know it's hard but stop bad habits like smoking, excessive drinking, playing the daily lottery or other forms of gambling but you need to STOP by all means.

TIP #5 Stick around with a meaningful relationship and if you are married don't fuck around. I see married cabbies do all kind of stupid shit that could cost them their marriage, money and health.

You have to be committed to the last 5 tips before you will be able go to the second phase to start save any money, unless you work on the fundamentals on your well being first and build a will power and a consistent positive routine the chances of you being a financially successful as a cab driver are mathematically very remote.


TIP #6 Don't overwork yourself! The human body is not a machine, it needs a decent amount of rest and sleeping time depending on what your needs are. If you could get away with it have a good 5 working days or 6 if not possible but NEVER work 7 days a week. You will do yourself harm in the long run and you could easily burn yourself out but make sure to be disciplined on your work ethic and Consistency because you are your own boss and there is no one to supervise you.

TIP #7 Educate yourself about the city of where you drive, read anything you could find about the city, be knowledgeable and informative. When I tell my passengers some shit about the city that they didn't know about even though they lived in Washington for years they get real impressed and that could be an extra dollar or two which could turn in to thousands of dollars in the long run. Cabs are expensive and people take cabs for the convenience so you have to sell a great service by being very informative and being an expert in what you do and this goes out to the waiting staff also, take the menu home and study it, understand the ingredients so in a nut shell, KNOW YOUR SHIT REAL WELL!!!

Tip #8 Be clean! Make sure you take a shower before you step in side your cab and wear fresh cloths and clean your cab everyday. Don't be surprised by not getting tipped because you and your cab smell like a fucken garbage and unfortunately I hear some horror stories from my passengers about some of you funky ass cab drivers so lets get with the program. Being neat and clean generates positive energy and will draw more cash to your pocket.

Tip #9 Think positively about what you do for a living and always you should feel like a million bucks. When you feel good you attract good people and never associate yourself with negative jackasses because they will drag you down with them and never bring your personal problems inside your cab with you.

Tip #10 When you are out there driving, relax and take your time, most cab drivers think that they are good because they are aggressive hustlers but that's not the case, usually those monsters are stressed out and live miserable lives and probably don't have jack in their savings. I see these cabbies cutting me off to be in front of me for a pick up but I don't let that bother me at all because I know by the end of the day I will come out ahead with pocketful of cash.

Tip #11 NEVER NEVER NEVER cheat your passengers, I know it happens in DC a lot because we have confusing zone system instead of meters so a lot of people are taken for a ride. If you think you are doing out of ordinary stuff for your customer like getting them a hooker or helping them buy crack let them know in advance how much your time is worth and that's what I do all night long. If you steal other people's money it will come back to bite you in some form or another and it is not the right thing to do. Would you teach your little girl or your little boy to steal? I thought so!

Tip #12 Don't charge for any shit that you can't pay off when the bill arrives! If you can't pay it off that means your ass can not afford it in the first place when you used the plastic. I only charge for my gasoline which is about $800-$1000/month depending on what Dick Cheney and the gang decide on how much they want for a gallon of gasoline but I do pay my bill by the end of the month. I use my card for accounting convenience and to keep my credit history going and as far as I am concerned the only loans you should carry if you have to are for your house and education period. DON'T let the banks sexually assault you! If you are in debt get rid of it first before you start saving.

Now if you can do all that it means that you are ready for the final phase and start executing tip # 13

Tip #13 Pay yourself first! Put away the at least the first $60 every day and then start from zero, convince yourself that $60 doesn't exist do not depend on that $60 for anything. Start to work on your living expenses and ER fund and all the garbage after you paid your ass. Make sure you go to a professional who can help you make a sound investment decisions with that $60/day. Don't try to be a hero and make your own investment shit, the odds are stacked up against you, you can always research and educate yourself about the markets but at the same time you have to let someone who is trained and does that for a living handle your business. If you manage to save your first $60 five days a week with a conservative 10% return on your investment, in ten years you will end up with almost a quarter of a million dollars!(look at the table year by year) imagine if you can put away $100/day or more?

Year Balance
0 $ 15,078.68
1 $ 31,736.30
2 $ 50,138.19
3 $ 70,466.99
4 $ 92,924.49
5 $ 117,733.58
6 $ 145,140.50
7 $ 175,417.29
8 $ 208,864.46
9 $ 245,813.97

Always remember it's not how much you make! it's how much of it you keep! and please if you think this is a helpful post, print it out and pass it on to the next cabbie you see or you ride with. I wrote this because I know a lot of cab drivers who drove for years and years but they have nothing to show for! and it is sad because few changes here and there could have changed the outcome of their future but you are never to late to save and start NOW!

Please don't forget the homeless.

Mad "Warren Buffet" Cabbie

Monday, November 13, 2006

THE MOST EXPENSIVE CAN OF BEER

Saturday night was pretty interesting, I had a bunch of American University students who ran out of beer and desperately in need of some more, but the problem? it was two in the morning, no beer store would open legally that late and they needed my help, and for me it was an easy task because I know the right person to call. GHOST!

Ghost grew up selling those tiny 6 oz liquors during late nights around night clubs and college campuses from his back pack and these days he sells everything in the world from his basement for late night deliveries. A case of bud-light could cost as high as $60 at two in the morning but people don't give a shit they just want some more to keep the party going so they well pay anything. When I called Ghost he was in no business mode at all...

ME: Yo Ghost what's up?
GHOST: Stop playin' around nigga what da fuck you want?
ME: I have some AU kids with me and they need a couple of cases of any beer!
GHOST: Not tonight Mad, I am trying to hit this booty! wrong timing bro!
ME: You don't have to bring it here, we'll come and pick it up.
GHOST: What the fuck! are you deaf? NOT tonight!
ME: Come on Ghost don't be a dick motherfucker! help them out! Just do it for me please?
GHOST: You got 30 minutes or less to get your ass here Mad, and you owe me one! and make sure you bring $100, I will have two cases of Light waiting for you.
ME: Thank you! Thank you! We are on our way!!!


I charged them $80 to go all way to Cheverly Maryland to get the couple of cases of beer and back to AU. By the time all said and done each single can of beer cost them about $3.75 but the good thing is they all chipped in and hopefully got more shit faced.

"Mad, isn't it illegal to be an accessory to selling contraband beer to minors?"

Oh zip it! I cleared it with our legal department Mr Tesfaye, an Ethiopian cabbie friend of ours who is an expert with the law! He watches Court TV all the time so I guess he knows a lot of shit about the law and I got the green light from him to help out those future leaders of America.

Excuse me I got to go now there is someone knocking on my door! I think it's some jackass from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms! What the fuck he wants from me?

Don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

LATELY

I am kind of used to watching black guys with fat white chics but lately there is a trend of hot Asian chics with fat white dudes! What's up with that?

Yo Mad! when am I going to see with a chubby white chic?

Peace.

Pastor Joe.


Thursday, November 09, 2006

THE HOOKER WITH ONE LEG

A while back when I introduced my friend and co-blogger Pastor Joe, I mentioned on that post that if you wanted a one legged hooker and everything else the pastor can accommodate your needs. The one legged hooker sounds like fiction but she does exist and she is one of Pastor's regular riders at night. When ever she get calls from her clients who live outside the city she depends on Pastor for a ride.

T is very attractive twenty something year old blond from Tallahassee Florida, she could have have been any thing she wanted because I do think she is a smart girl as well but she started hooking when she was only seventeen and chose to stay in the business. Few years ago she got involved in a major car accident in North Carolina and unfortunately they had to amputate her left leg to save her life and after about couple of years of down time living with her sister in Norfolk Virginia she moved to DC reuniting with her old hooker friend from her days in Miami. But during all this difficult period she kept herself in a good shape. Even though the odds were against her to get back in to the prostitution game with her prosthetic leg, T managed to get back in action and is in high demand by some of you horny guys out there.

Prostitution is a huge business in DC, I am not talking about the crack whores you see at night on K street and L street near the Washington Post, I am talking about the well to do hookers who wear fur coats and drive Lexus SUV's and who make themselves available to men (married and single) with cash who are on top of the food chain and just interested in fulfilling their sexual fantasy. T is one of those well paid professional hookers, and she is so popular on some nights she keeps Pastor busy all night long running all over suburban DC.

Last night Pastor Joe wasn't feeling good as usual because of all of that unhealthy garbage he eats so he called me up and instructed me to pick up T and drive her to one of her client's house in McLean Virgina. This is the first time I met T personally even though I know her life history and she knows mine and for a chic walking around with one prosthetic leg I think she handles herself very well. We had a great conversation on the way to her client's place and being the nosy loud mouth that I am I asked her if she takes off her fake leg while doing her business, she said "absolutely yes!" and I think that's why she has a long list of clients because she is different and some men and couples have creative minds to be sexually turned on and have an amputee hooker to join in their bedroom fantasy.

I went back and picked her up from McLean after a few hours when she was done with her client and on our way back to the city crossing the chain bridge her cell phone rang and it was the concierge from one of the hotels in DC and their regular Japanese guest wanted some kinky action so we continued on Canal road towards the hotel. When we got to the hotel she paid me real well and we said good bye and now I know why she is on Pastor's VIP list.

Don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.

Monday, November 06, 2006

A DATE WITH A STAB WOUND

Cab drivers drivers get stabbed and beaten by their passengers more than what you think, it just doesn't make the news desk unless the driver is dead and they have something dramatic to talk about on the 10 O'clock nightly news. On the last post Mr Jackass Mad Cabbie made fun about the scars I have from being stabbed and shot not once, not twice, but from three different incidents while being robbed driving my cab and the third one I remember it like yesterday.

It was a beautiful breezy summer Saturday night of August of 1999, I was ready to go out on a first date with a girl I worked hard for to make the date happen. She was this chick from Minnesota who just moved to DC for her new job and I was so excited for our night out because I really liked this girl. The plan was to hook up at Mr Smith's in Georgetown at 9 pm and get something to eat and head on to Old town Alexandria to check out a local rock and roll band I like but my destiny changed when my date called to change the hook up time to 10 pm instead, so I pretty much had about a couple of hours to kill when she called and I decided to drive the cab for an hour and make few extra bucks instead of sitting on my ass.

The first fare I picked up took me to 17th and East Capitol and while I was pulling up to the curve the motherfucker (probably one of Mad Cabbie's cousins) without saying or demanding anything stabbed me with an eight inch knife in the back of my shoulder once and while he was trying to stick me for the second time I managed to get away with a little cut on my arm, put the car on park, open the door and fell on the ground and while I was getting up screaming trying to defend myself the punk ran away through an alley. My shoulder was hurting and bleeding so I drove myself to DC General Hospital which was a few blocks away. When I got to the emergency room I thought everyone were going to stop what they were doing and rush to treat my sorry ass almost one inch deep stab wound but the fat black chick who was at the counter told me to calm my white ass down because they were attending to patients on a case by case basis and they were quite a few gun shot victims. This hospital was in a middle of crime infested black neighbourhood and I was the only white person in that ER room and everyone was staring at me as if I just landed from another planet, I was screaming my lungs out because they wouldn't see me ASAP and to be honest with you I think it was a reverse discrimination and where was that fucken Johnny Cochran when I needed him.

All that time I wasn't worried about my wounds, the only thing I was thinking about was if I was going to make it on time for the date at Mr Henry's with a chick I worked so hard for to get her attention and the way things were going in that dumb ass ER room it was unlikely that I will be out of there on time so when I noticed that my bleeding stopped I just took off home to clean up, pad it up and change my shirt. While I was driving home I called my man Ghost (The guy with a plastic bag full of weed from our last Saturday's party) Ghost can get you any drug legal or illegal, he's like the pharmacist for the uninsured masses, so I told him that I was just stabbed and meet me up at my house with some strong ass pain killer and antibiotics and he always delivers never fail. Hey by the way Ghost! I am running a little low on my Viagra supplies nigga, so I will call you later!

I showed up at Mr Henry's looking like a football player with my shoulder padded up unprofessionally, It looked so obvious I have to tell her something happened but I didn't tell her that I was stabbed and scare the shit out of her so I made up some lame story about falling on a sharp object. The pain was under control thanks to Dr Ghost but the bleeding started again while I was eating and the waiting staff were freaking out looking at my blood stained shirt so I rushed to the rest room and to my surprise I started bleeding out of control they had to call an ambulance and rushed me to Georgetown Hospital.

When I arrived at Georgetown hospital it was a scene from one of the episodes of ER how they took care of me and to make the long story short after a long stay and some interrogation by the police on how I got the wounds we left the hospital five in the morning with Mad Cabbie and Ali two fingers by my side laughing their asses off. These days I pick and choose who I have in my cab, fuck that! I used to be like Mad Cabbie Mr righteous pick everyone up and do the right thing! No sir I would like to live a couple of more years and go on dates without bleeding all over the fucken place, Mad! you refused to take my advice so it's just a matter of time....tick tock! tick tock! tick tock! until I watch the ten O'clock news with your scary ass picture in the background! and I am not going to do this blog by myself bitch.

P.S There was no second date with that girl! Do you blame her? I don't!

Peace.

Pastor Joe.



Friday, November 03, 2006

LET'S MOVE ON

Thanks Pastor for the posting about our Saturday night party and you pretty much talked about most of the highlights of the night. The Halloween party at that house in Potomac was interesting. Hey Ghost! What the fuck is wrong with you man? walking around with grocery bag full of pot! I have never seen that many full house of high people in my life thanks to you, even I was high as a kite and I don't smoke that shit. The house was full with pot smoke and at one point the smoke detector alarm went off. Wild! Wild! Wild! and thanks to Barwood cab #403 for driving my drunk ass home at six in the morning and I promise I will write about the issue we have discussed.

I am sorry that after Tommy's death I haven't been posting lately but this tragedy made me rethink about a lot of things and I have been dealing with some personal issues including my long time on again off again relationship with Kim. It came to a point our potential union started to sound like a business negotiation, I kept my end of the bargain after we first started to talk about moving together, I even put my house for sell out in the market to move back in to the city to accommodate her professional needs but when things started to get complicated and sticky we called it off!

"Mad! Didn't I told you not to trust those Koreans?"

Shut up Pastor! This is not the time for I told you so, Kim is a great woman and I wish her all the best and we are in good terms, as a matter of fact she is coming to town for Thanksgiving to be with her parents (our parents are still neighbours) and I might get lucky too! right Kim?

I live a great simple life and I want to keep it that way. I come out to work drive a cab which I don't consider it "work" to be honest with you, I get paid to bullshit with hitch hikers! not a bad deal is it? some of them may wanna stab me! big deal but you should see some of Pastor Joe's old stab wounds courtesy of few of his thoughtful and desperate passengers and they are some ugly ass scars but my man Pastor still managed to get in to the pants of an Argentinian hottie Saturday night, those scars didn't stop her at all. So I am pretty much optimistic about the career path I took, and the rest of my day I spend a great deal of time on something I am so passionate about, that's my real job and it doesn't pay a dime but it is worth every second spent.

Listen, enough with the personal garbage! this blog is supposed to be about stupid funny stuff I encounter and observe during the night shift while you sleep at night, having sex with your girlfriend or not having sex with your wife like most married couple! but I promise that I shall return with some entertaining cab tales since I am back to my real ownself now.

This is a cartoon my friend Lug from Mirth, Musings & More emailed to me, Lug thinks they stole my tag line! It's a pretty funny cartoon but the homeless crisis is real so please let's not forget the homeless and you know damn well it's getting cold on the streets.


Mad Cabbie.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

WHAT A NIGHT!

Don't ask me how a Saturday night to celebrate and remember our suddenly departed friend "Wall Street Tom" at his favorite bar in Du Pont circle ended up at a huge house in Potomac Maryland with yours truly Mr Mad Cabbie hosting the best Halloween costume contest among people we don't know! Tommy I know if you looked down that Saturday night, you couldn't be less proud of us on how we celebrated your life spent in this shit hole planet of ours by the way we did! you know how we do it Tommy!

I got to the bar in Du Pont around 8:30 about an hour late but Mr Mad Cabbie, Ali, Jeff, Musa, Alex, Doug, Girma and Mike (The cab driver crew) Mr Hook, T-Bone and Ghost (Pimping department) Allyson, Liz and Jude (Tom's girlfriend and her friends) Josh and his girlfriend (Fans of the blog) were already there and enjoying the second round of drinks. By the way Josh (our fan) How did you manage to get a blond piece of ass like that? she is really gorgeous man! I think you are packing a fire hose between your legs dude! and thanks to Nancy (Mad's sister) and her boyfriend Phil for stopping by for a few minutes and hang among a suspicious looking crowd like us to say hello.

We talked, exchange stories and laughed about Wall Street Tom pretty much the whole night and the plan was to hit other couple of bars in Du Pont and call it a night until our program took unexpected turn when we met some Iranian dudes we know at the bar and who were shocked to hear about Tom's death and they insisted to join them at the Bam Bule' Club in Friendship Heights and celebrate some more. I think it took a packed five cabs to take us up there! When we arrived at the club it was a full house, the music blasting, boobs flying and asses shaking, it was really happening. We got there close to two O'clock and we ordered drinks by the bottles to beat the last call thanks to the owner of the club who is tight with Mad, for hooking us up. It was a great atmosphere with people wearing their Halloween costumes and there was a lot of craziness and for the rest of the night we pretty much took over the club and we were attracting lots of attention and that's why another group approached us and ask us to follow them to some Halloween party in progress in Potomac Maryland.

The huge ass house is owned by a thirty something Indian who is in the pharmaceutical business, when we arrived there were about thirty drunk people wearing some crazy ass costumes and dancing. By the time all of us in the group showed up, there were about thirty more pissed drunk guests carrying a Safeway bag full of weed, thanks to our friend Ghost for dropping 2G's worth of grass on the buffet table, even old granny was getting high. Things were getting out of control it was like the old studio 54, by the time I got back inside after a brief make out session with a girl from Argentina outside the house, the next thing I saw was Mad Cabbie MCing the best Halloween costume contest and painting some chicks breast! it was WILD! man it was good times all away. The highlight of the party was when Mad made a little speech about Tom and afterwards looking at full house of strangers who never met Tom, chanting "Tommy! Tommy! Tommy!" 5 in the morning, that was so emotional it brought tears to my eyes and I am not well known for my sensitivity.

I can't put together in words on how we had a great time and celebrate Tom at the same time! maybe Mad will in his next post but it was straight up Tommy's style, I am sure he loved it. To see a bunch of retarded cabbie friends stumbled in to a party in Potomac and take over and set the tone high and wild was priceless. We thank our Indian host for being a good sports and letting all those scary individuals in your house and that's why we let you had the left over weeds, that will hold you up until your next shipment from Bombay arrives!

Peace,

Pastor Joe.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

WALL STREET TOM 1964-2006

Wall street Tom was a typical macho good looking Italian dude who grew up in Brooklyn. He moved to the DC area from New York during the late eighties after his firm assigned him to work as a salesman/broker to one of their branch offices in town. He did very well until he got greedy and tried to get involved with some Nigerian con men. When he kept the communication open with the Nigerians even after his boss alerted him not to, the firm canned him. Not only that he got fired he also lost his privilege to trade for other people in the U.S and to this day we don't know what exactly those motherfucken Nigerians did but we get the idea.

After few different and frustrating gigs in sales he found himself behind a steering wheel of a taxi cab. Like most cab drivers he started hacking temporally until something comes up, but 99% of the time that "something" doesn't materialize and like the rest of us he ended up falling in love with his cab. You see, cab driving is like prostitution it's hard to get away from it, the freedom and cash money every day is addictive like drug and that's why you see a lot of over qualified people for the job description turn in to career cab drivers. Besides all this Tom was too ashamed and proud to go back home to New York and start working with his father in the family business. His father didn't know that his son was a cabbie in DC until about six years ago when he came here to visit Tom in the hospital after an emergency surgery, his father was angry at him not because he was a cab driver but due to the fact that he was lying for all those years, but the good thing was his relationship with his dad improved after that visit.

I owe Tom a lot, besides being a great friend he is one of those people who changed my life for the better. During the hay days of the tech stock boom he gave me a sound advice in some strong financial moves which made my life smoother and stress free, he always helped us turn the pennies we make driving cabs in to a few dollars by spreading his "always up to date" knowledge about the financial markets. The sad thing is like Pastor Joe have said, the last five years was absolutely positive for Tom finance wise, especially the last year or so he wasn't much of a cab driver because he was doing so well trading for himself he really didn't have to bust his ass hacking and a few month ago he bought a newly built house in Ashburn VA and he was telling us something funny that his neighbours weren't too excited to see his cab in his drive way every day destroying their image, it's like "what the fuck is this cab driver doing in our lovely neighbourhood!"

Let me leave you with this funny story about Tom. Tom was a sweet talking ladies man and couple of years ago he was fucking around with a woman who is married to a guy who is a lawyer for the Department of Justice. They met about a couple of times a month during her lunch break at Tom's old condo on Massachusetts avenue for about a year and finaly she got pregnant(not by Tom) and they stopped seeing each other. During the affair we made a friend of a friend make a crank phone call pretending to be the woman's angry husband who found out about the affair and coming to kill him. Tom was shaking in his boots while he was talking to the guy and he said in one of his classiest and funniest nervous tone "...Sir I swear to you on my life! We are just friends! I am a homosexual man and all we do is eat and talk about stocks!"

Tom, I am not going to judge you on what you have done to yourself because I am fucking confused right now but I know it's going to be depressing looking at that empty chair during poker nights. This coming Saturday Mr Hook and the whole crew are going to your favorite bar in DuPont and will get shit faced and exchange old "Wall street Tom" stories, even Ali Two Fingers is coming out of his drinking retirement for this occasion and please give us a sign to let us know that you are looking down and enjoying the party! a flying Vodka bottle will be nice.

Rest in peace and like you always say CIAO.

Don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

NOT A GOOD START

I would like to thank my nigger Mad Cabbie aka Zebra aka Rasputin aka CB for allowing me to use this stage....and bla! bla! bla!bla!
Hey, hey, hey!#@* Stop it okay! I am not a racist redneck, my civil right records include living with a black stripper for two kinky years and trust me when I tell you I am blacker than your pussy Mad Cabbie, don't let my blue eyes and blond bolding hair fool you. I can call Mr Mad Cabbie whatever I want to call him so keep quite.

When MC asked me to do this blog shit I wasn't sure if I was up for it, but after reading all 71 MC's post over the weekend I was inspired by some of the stories and I wanted to fill in the blanks and post some cab tales as much as I can. I wanted to write sooner but we are going through some tough times due to the tragic suicide of our fellow driver and friend "Wall street Tom". We just didn't see it coming man! this is a guy who have been through hard times during the early nineties but started to turn things around for himself the last five years. Tom just moved in to his brand new house a couple of month ago and threw some crazy ass party and seemed to be happy but who knew what he was going through in his mind! "Fuck, Tom! when I see you in hell in a few years I am going to kick the shit out of you bitch! you had a bunch of great friends who would have done any shit for you, all you had to do was talk man!"

I am sorry that my first post is a downer but I have to let it out some how. All of us including MC are taking this shit hard to the stomach but we do understand that life goes on and we will try to celebrate his life by thinking about the great times we had together and sadly so that's all we can do at this point.

Rest in peace Tommy.

Pastor Joe.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

QUICK NOTE

My dear red neck friend Pastor Joe has agreed to a one year $1 deal to contribute to the DIARY OF A MAD DC CABBIE blog. Financial analyst are saying that this could free up some extra time for Mr Mad Cabbie to get laid and which could result a high revenue for the downtown prostitution business, and due to this news the Dow Jones is expected to to cross the 12000 mark today after the market closes.

This writing blog stuff is not an easy shit to do, at least for me it's not, because I am not a writer and I suck, my vocabulary is limited to 300 words maybe 308 on a good day so I needed another retard with something to say to help me out and who else could it be than the holy man himself. If you think I have a foul mouth I think you are mistaken but I did advice him to tone it down a bit and which I doubt that he will do. He agreed to do this shit on the condition that I don't edit his stuff which never was my intention in the first place.

I hope you will keep enjoying reading this blog, we don't advertise and try to sell crap in this joint, we are just here to share our experiences at night driving cabs and entertain you at the same time and please don't take some of our observation personal because we don't give a fuck.

But I do give a fuck if you don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

911 FOR NO RESCUE

I picked up a bartender from one of the bars in Georgetown who wanted to go home after a slow night. By the way I love you bartenders man, you really take care of your cabbies including this dude. I have driven him to his apartment in Arlington before, he is a cool guy from Morocco and we always have great conversations and some how we end up talking about chicks all the time.

But last night my man was real pissed off after a short phone conversation with his wife. He was talking in Arabic so I didn't know what the hell he was yelling all about, but he said something interesting and also disturbing at the same time when he was done arguing with his wife. He talked about how the system in the United States over protect women and that men don't have any rights at all. "I can't even touch her unless I want to spend the night in jail. She is just driving me crazy and I don't know what to do!" and after a long pause he kept on saying, "But you know what? we're going on vacation together for a trip back home coming this January and I can't wait for that day to arrive! as soon as we land in Morocco I am going to punch her around like a mad man and then we will see how her dial 911 is going to help her over there bitch!!!"

Is this guy really serious? Don't cops care in Morocco when a woman is beaten? I hope he will calm down by then because I am pretty sure his wife is also looking forward for this exciting vacation in January to reunite with her family but she doesn't know what's coming unfortunately. And any of you macho assholes out there please don't get any devilish idea of booking your next vacation to Casablanca with your wives, alright?

Don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.

Monday, October 16, 2006

THE TWENTY CENTS TIP

The Mad Cabbie, Pastor Joe, CNN poll indicates that black women are the worst tippers if they ever tip at all. Don't get me wrong one of the best tips I ever made was from a black woman from Chicago, and all I did was helped her out to load a couple of boxes from Kinko and took her to her hotel at two in the morning and for $8.80 fare she paid me $50 almost 600% tip. But in general you black chicks suck when it comes to tipping, Come on ladies let's get with the programme, it's the 21st century!

"Mr. Mad Cabbie that is a racist comment and we have a bunch of angry black leaders and role models on the phone on hold and would like to talk to your ass. We have Jessie Jackson on line 1, Al Sharpton on line 2 and Louis Farrakhan on line 3. Are you available to take these calls now Mad?"

"What do you mean it's a racist comment? Don't forget that I am black man and I can say what ever I want about black people, if it was a white dude who made these comments, then it could be classified as a racist statement, do you understand? that's the way it is! And I don't have any black leaders and my role model is Mr T not those hypocrite motherfuckers who you have on hold and while you got them on the phone tell them to get a real job like the rest of us!"

Couple of weeks ago I picked up a black woman from a house in Chevy Chase (one of the richest neighbourhood in DC) she is the mother of a congressman and I don't want to say his name because I don't want to piss him off and probably get some sexually explicit emails from him, you never know how our congressmen react these days. But I will give you a clue, back in the days his dad was also a congressman. I did have a good conversation with her and I learned a lot about her son from her, that his ass smell like roses and he is running for the senate seat presently. Of course she is a mom and have the right to brag about her son's accomplishment but did she had to tip me a whopping twenty cents for a $24.80 fare to National airport? I think those polls are accurate.

I know that I probably pissed off some of you folks out there, if you don't like what I have to say, fuck you! and go read another blog! as a matter of fact go read my good friend Jamy's blog, she is my agent and also handles the compliant department, she will also teach you how to date and get laid, so come back and see me after she calms your ass down.

"Hey Mad, I think you really pushed it this time because there are some angry black men out there banging on your door and they are going to kick the shit out of you, and you know what? they are wearing a suit and a bow tie, I believe these brothers are from the nation of Islam and you better start saying your prayers you pussy!"

Guys! I got to split and run through the back door and please don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

MR HOOK AND THE G SPOT

I met my pimp friend aka Mr. Hook about twelve years ago, he showed up for my 30th birthday party by tagging along with another friend I invited and we've been friends ever since.

"Mad, aren't you going to tell us about your weekend trip to San Francisco? What happened dude? are we being uneasy here already? I don't like where this is going MC!"

Listen, nobody cares and this blog is about cab drivers and their pathetic street lives not about... You know what? why am I explaining this to you? you retard!!!

Sorry guys, this jackass keeps butting in and he wouldn't leave me alone.

I am going to write a few stories about my pimp friend in the future but from now on I would like to address him as Mr. Hook because to me he is not just another pimp, he is a very good friend I can count on. Even though the way he makes his living is questionable for some people, I hate to keep calling him the pimp because he is much bigger than that.

Mr. Hook is not your everyday pimp you see on the street, he runs his sophisticated escort service out of his Dell laptop with army of hot chicks and their blueberries. No office, no cheesy website, no newspaper add, just a word to mouth networking among the very well to do old horny men. You wouldn't believe what these guys spend for a good time but you see these girls are real hot and they are from all over the place, Russian, Polish, Brazilians, Mexicans and of course Americans and more. He treats these girls very well and it's all business so it's not that stereotype "Where is my money bitch?" kind of relationship. For you cops who's reading this shit, Hook runs an escort service not a prostitution ring, what the girls do after they meet their clients, he has no control of and you guys tried to bust him a few times but the judges laughed at your ass and threw away all the cases and now he is a respected businessman in the community hahahaha.

Years ago while sitting at an all night cafe bull shitting as usual, Mr Hook was bragging about how well hung he was and the unusual shape of his penis. He started to draw the figure of his penis on a piece of napkin and it sure looked like a hook to us and we started calling him Mr Hook ever since. He claims that the shape of his penis easily helps him to hit the G spot every time he has sex but me personally I did my own expedition like Indiana Jones to locate the G spot on a woman to no success so I think the existence of the G spot is just a myth. I talk to a lot of girls in my cab and the answer I get is some say it's there and some say it doesn't and all they want is their men to pay attention to the C spot instead.

It's always nice to be back home and I am going to see Mr Hook and the crew tonight and I am not looking forward to it because I have a feeling that they are going to grill me tonight. By the way for any of you ugly losers with no woman and a high school reunion on your calendar approaching, you might wanna contact Mr Hook and he can fix you up with a 6 feet blond for that night so you can impress your friends and their fat wives. That's what this dude did a couple month ago and the girl played the part very well.

Don't forget the homeless while I try to locate the G spot.

Mad Cabbie

Friday, October 06, 2006

A QUICK TRIP

I will be catching a plane to San Francisco in a few hours, This is a planed trip to visit my woman Kim. I have known Kim who is a divorced single mother of one girl ever since our days in high school, and after years and years of booty calls we've been talking some serious stuff for the past couple of years but neither of us were willing to relocate. But lately she is caving in to the idea of moving back to the Washington area and start a new life with me.

"Kim! are you fucking crazy? you have a great career and an amazing lifestyle in San Francisco, and you wanna move back here and marry some stupid ass cab driver who hang out with pimps? Kim don't do it! Don't do it Kim!"

Fuck you man! I am proud of what I accomplished as a cab driver! And don't you write some shit in this post anymore! this is my blog, go get your own blog you jealous freak!

Well my friends there are some issues we need to address before we make things happen so stay tuned. I have been to San Francisco quite a few times and it's a beautiful city and I am looking forward to a fun weekend with Kim.

Maybe I will run in to my blogger cabbie friend Joann at SFO, hey Joann if you see this tall black dude picking his nose in the cab line at the airport, that would be yours truly so pick him up please he is a harmless pussy!

I will be back Monday night and don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

BE THE FLY ON THE WALL

Let me show you what a typical night shift of mine looks like and this is from last night, nothing out of the ordinary but I would like people to know the shit we have to put up with night after night.

Depending on my mood I leave home between 9 and 10pm but definitely it has to be dark, I am like a fucking vampire, I only function productively after sun set. My usual route to work from Columbia is 95 south to 495 west exit at Connecticut avenue south through Chevy Chase in to our great nation's capital where our congressmen protect their own sexual predator. So I wrote a few journal with my daily manifest for you last night.

Fare #1 at 9:38pm: Picked up two chicks, they wanted to go to the Front Page in DuPont, They smelled real nice and I asked what kind of perfume but I forgot what they said, sorry! But I did feel some movement in my pants so that was good start for the night.

Fare #2 at 10:04pm: Some dude who overstayed his happy hour wanted to go home to Old Town Alexandria and started fighting with his girlfriend on the cell phone. He hanged up the phone after he called her "a two faced bitch!" I mentioned to him that it wasn't a nice thing to say to his woman but he said they love each other and that's why they fight all the time. I said okay!

Fare #3 at 10:51pm: It was a dispatched call, Reuters News have an account with Diamond Cab Co. So it was one of our regular riders who goes to North Bethesda off Tuckerman street. This dude doesn't say anything at all which is fine by me but he always stares at one spot and stay motionless for almost half an hour until he gets to his place and that's real creepy.

Fare #4 at 11:42pm: Picked up a group of four AU students from Wisconsin and Jennifer going back to campus, this is a sweet ride it paid $13 for a ride which took six minutes if you calculate that per year it comes around $260,000 but it doesn't happen constantly in real life otherwise all DC lawyers will become cab drivers.

Around mid night I received my nightly call from my mother, she always calls me right before she goes to bed to remind me not to pick up dangerous people, poor woman! but I love her to death. And at the same time our mid night dispatcher Robby brought his fat ass to work.

Fare #5 at 00:18am: Picked up a dispatched call from Sibley Hospital going to the Vanness South apartments. A guy in his 30's who was treated at the ER after irregular heart beat, He said he works hard late hours and travels a lot and doesn't have much of a social life. I asked him if he has a girlfriend and he replied that he doesn't have time for chicks but I did advice him to get laid every now and then!

Fare #6 at 00:37am: another dispatched call from 2501 Porter street a high rise building, some Japanese dude going back to his hotel in Crystal City. I couldn't understand shit of what he was saying but I kept saying okay and I laugh when he laughs and stop when he does. When we got to his hotel he said I am a good man and paid me generously.

Fare #7 at 01:19am: Some drunk freak who kept yelling "You're the man!" at me probably a hundred times all away to Duke street in Virginia. God! that idiot was annoying me I wanted to strangle him and hide him in my trunk!

On my way back to the city I got a call from our pimp friend:
PIMP: Woch' you doin' Mad?
ME: I am driving my cab!
PIMP: Nigger don't be a smart ass bitch! What time you're guys going to the cafe?
ME: I don't know yet, I have to call Pastor Joe.
PIMP: Yeah, tell that cracker to bring back my "Big Butt Bounce 5" DVD!
ME: What the fuck! I am not your water boy, you tell him yourself!
PIMP: Calm down bitch! Let me know what time you losers want to hook up!
ME: Later!

Fare #8 at 02:08am: A dispatched call from a law firm at 1001 Pennsylvania, a paralegal chick who complained about working hard, I listened to her whining but thanks God she wasn't going too far. I dropped her at 20th and Columbia and I rolled down 18th street in Adams Morgan but it was too slow so my experience tells me to go to Capitol Hill and hustle.

Fare #9 at 02:37am: Dispatched to 400 block of 6th street in south east and picked up some hot chick who had some sex. I can tell if someone just got laid most of the time, you know the smell of sex, the messed up hair, the faded lipstick and the exhaustion. People! People! please if you have to go out some where after sex, don't just wash your thing and go, you have to take a serious shower and leave fresh. I know you are tired and just want to go home and crash but be considerate to your cabbie. I dropped her in Cleveland Park and now it's time for a break!

At 03:05am we all got together at our usual hang out place that I don't want to say where because I don't want any of you freaks come and stalk my ass especially after one disturbing email months back! So after some bullshit with the pimp, Pastor Joe, Ali two fingers and Wall street Tom until 4:00am I was back in action. By the way Pastor Joe did return that "Big Butt Bounce 5" DVD to the pimp! I could have borrowed the DVD but I am not an ass man, if it was "Big Boobs Bounce 5" I might have.

Fare #9 at 04:30am: A dispatched time call from 49th street in Spring Valley, a suite and tie going to Dulles Airport and we talked about how Bush sucks and his pending divorce "The bitch is forcing me in to a homeless shelter!" that was his quote.

Fare #10 at 05:45am: A dispatched time call for a trip to National Airport from Legation street in Chevy Chase, some stuck up middle aged woman with a bad make up.

Fare #11 at 07:15am: Another call going to National Airport from Macomb street and this time an older couple who are going to celebrate their 40th weeding anniversary in the islands. The way they communicated was like as if they were going on a first date, I strongly believe that they did have a fabulous 40 years.

Fare #12 at 08:02am: From the Holiday Inn in Georgetown, two Indian dudes going to Union Station to catch their train. It was so funny because one of the guys was turning around to look and check out every woman who was passing by the street and I said "You're a horny dude man!" and he replied by saying "Don't tell that to my wife because she thinks I am lazy in bed! who wants to eat fucken' mashed potatoes every single night!"

It was a slow night but now it's time for Mr. Mad Cabbie to go back home and Detox himself, I drove up to North Capitol street in to New Hampshire avenue back to 95 north.

Don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.

Saturday, September 30, 2006

FACES OF HYPOCRISY

"Several members of the Republican leadership have now admitted to knowing for nearly a year that Rep. Foley engaged in email exchanges with a sixteen-year-old former House page. These members, including Majority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) and Reps. Rodney Alexander (R-LA), John Shimkus (R-IL) and Tom Reynolds (R-NY) have all claimed that they failed to take action because the boy’s parents did not want to pursue the matter. The decision not to investigate further left other House pages unprotected and vulnerable to a potential sexual predator." www.citizensforethics.org

Mr. Foley was the chairman and one of the House members credited with writing the sexual-predator provisions of the "Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act of 2006". How ironic is that? John Walsh is probably throwing up on the set of American Most Wanted right now! and how about of those clown house members trying to protect this asshole just because the family didn't want to pursue the matter? What a joke! It's hypocrisy at it's best and Washington is full of it.

And here is another jack ass, William "Mr Moral & Value" Bennett and what he wrote after George Bush won the second term, preaching about the importance of value while he was pissing away $1Million of his family's money in Las Vegas. By the way years ago I drove this fat boy to his home in Chevy Chase, that's one big dude who loves his pasta and after I dropped him off I think I drove straight to the MIDAS shop to get my rear shocks checked.

"In the end, it is not really debatable what happened in this election. Values mattered. And as President Clinton realized long ago, when it comes to national elections, values very well may matter most. He may not have governed by the values we agree on, but he understood how to run a campaign and, at least, speak to values (even if he could not live by them). President Bush knew how to do both, John Kerry did not even know how to speak to them." By: William J. Bennett Wednesday, Jan 05, 2005

Please don't be surprised and disappointed about the hypocrisy in Washington, I know I am not because it's nothing new and it's all over the country. Just to give you an example, When I drive my cab at night I pick a lot of men who are in town for business from their hotels and some want to go to those gay clubs and bath houses right behind the Capitol building in south east . They enter those clubs hiding behind a cover of a strange town discreetly at night and with their heads down because most of these macho men are married with a shinny ring and usually in to gay bashing during the day. POOR WIVES!!!

Don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

WHY WOMEN SHOULD VOTE FOR HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON IN 2008

They got in to my cab from the Palm restaurant on 19th street, two guys and a woman corporate types, I say in their forties. They wanted to go to the Washington Hilton drop the woman first and continue on to the Woodley Park Marriott where the guys are staying.

The woman was their boss and they were talking about how their meeting went and touching base about the next day's meetings. This woman was intelligent, articulate, respectful and knows her shit and also was very polite to her associates. The guys were very responsive and kissing her ass as you people in the corporate world usually do to climb that golden ladder. After she thanked them for the great job performance and the fun night they had she exited the cab to her hotel and I pulled away from the lobby out to Connecticut avenue towards the Marriott with the two dudes.

Not even ten seconds passed after she left the cab, these motherfuckers started bad mouthing her, "What a cunt!" said one of the guys "The bitch thinks we're idiots" replied the other. With in that short ride to their hotel those retards talked about how everything she was doing was wrong and their ideas would have worked better, and I remember very well that she even mentioned that she was open for suggestion and those retards didn't say shit. I am almost sure if that woman was some country club male jack ass their opinion of him would have been different.

Listen ladies, I don't care how intelligent you are, I don't care if you run NASA, IBM and GOLDMAN SACHS all together, I don't care how many tricks you can do with your pussy, as a woman you are still the Rodney Dangerfield of the man's world so you are not getting that RESPECT yet no matter how highly you think of yourself.

Men are are paranoid of opinionated and bright women and that's why Hillary Clinton is not likable, it's not because she stuck her nose in her husband's business when she was the first lady. In fact Nancy Reagan did more sniffing around the presidency by doing some stupid astrology crap and manipulated her husband than any other first ladies in modern American history but she turned out to be the darling old chick of the right wing. Hillary Clinton as the first lady, all she did was came up with some ideas to overhaul the fucked up health care system we have here in this country, not hire an astrologist like Nancy but she got crucified for it and they brain washed you women to hate her ever since. Look what that fat chin motherfucker Jerry Falwell said about Hillary! nothing intelligent to say besides saying that she is the devil and I haven't came across any person with an intelligent response on why they hate her. Other than her being a liberal like most democrats are which is nothing out of the ordinary, I can understand if conservatives don't like her for that reason but I do believe men in general are intimidated by women like Hillary.

If I was a female I would simply give her my vote just because she is a WOMAN! and its time for our society to understand what women contributed to our civilization and that chicks are capable of running this world and what a better way to send your message by giving a woman a chance to the most powerful position on this planet.

Don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.

Monday, September 25, 2006

BEFORE A REAL ESTATE AGENT

I worked during the day time yesterday because I didn't work Saturday night. For you cabbies who drive the day shift? I don't know how you deal with the traffic day in and day out, you really earn your money. I will stick to my night adventure for now and I know that I might get stabbed every now and then but look at the bright side, I don't have to face the heavy traffic on my way to the emergency room!

I picked up a real estate agent around 13th and Massachusetts avenue and she wanted to pick up her clients at their apartment at 16th and R and wanted me to stay with them for three hours while she showed them few houses. After we negotiated the charge for the fare we picked up her clients, married young white couple who just moved to the area from New Mexico a few months ago. One of our stops was some where around 2nd and Rhode Island avenue north east and the agent was telling them it's an "up and coming neighbourhood" which is a code word for "in a few years all the poor black folks will be gone!" wink! wink!. The way she was describing the area was as if it was a hidden treasure in Washington, yeah right! and that bitch was lying her ass off to those couple left and right and on top of that the piece of garbage shoe box she showed them costs $480,000!

Now I am thinking about starting up a real estate consulting firm for potential house or condo hunters in DC. Before you see an agent who's going to bullshit your ass off to make a quick buck, you come to Mr. Mad Cabbie for a non bias opinion and he will tell you how many used condoms you will find in front of the door of your new house in the morning when you walk out to pick up your paper, and he will also tell you to make sure not to walk out bare feet and step on those used needles, and of course Mad will advice you to have the seller to throw in free bullet proof vests just to give you and your partner the peace of mind.

Don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.