Friday, August 26, 2011

DEATH POOL 2011

Bunch of us put a little cash together and play the annual death pool and I have my five picks for this year for you.

Rush Limbaugh
Dick Cheney
Betty White
Dennis Rodman
Nelson Mandela

I almost won last year by picking Rush "To Eat" Limbaugh but that dickhead survived, but your time has come motherfucker! Sorry I didn't post at all this week, I am getting ready to leave for vacation this afternoon. I am going to a place where I don't have to worry about hurricane Irene, I hope the planes will takeoff later!

I never beg people to comment on this blog but please give me your five pick!

And when is the FBI going to start criminal investigation of councilman Harris Thomas Jr?


Stay safe everyone and please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Friday, August 19, 2011

ALI TWO FINGERS BACK TO AMERICA

My good friend Ali-Two-Fingers is back! After years of American life, mostly in Washington DC. Ali moved back to his native land Pakistan to get married and open up a modern grocery store few years ago. When he explained his retarded game plan to me at the time I think I bitch slapped him or something. This guy worked hard in America for years, and dumping all his savings by investing in a country that has a safety record more dangerous than Washington DC wasn't a smart move.

He took a break and came to Washington about a year ago to renew his taxi hack license. Most ex cabbies who left the country do that as an insurance policy, something to fall back on in case something goes wrong in what ever shit they're doing. He stayed with me for couple of weeks and we had a great time getting drunk at the Bunker and exchanging old cab-war stories. He signaled then that he had it with Pakistan and his new bride, and that he may be considering moving back to the States. I didn't take his comment seriously since we were both drunk until I got a phone call from Pakistan about couple of weeks ago.

ALI: Can you talk? Do you have a passenger?
ME: I got a fare but she is pissed off drunk and knocked out! What's up Two-Fingers?
ALI: I am coming on the 14th for good maddafucka!
ME: Are you shitting me? You're really coming for real?
ALI: Fuck Pakistan man, I am not going to ever set  foot in that shithole!
ME: I told you so bitch, grocery my ass! Get your drunken taliban ass back to DC motherfucker!
ALI: So I am chilling at your crib until I find an apartment Mad!
ME: I got you covered Two Fingers, and I will ask that old fart Hassan to hook you up with a cab...

Now my good friend Ali is staying with me for a while, and last night a bunch of his Pakistani friends were hanging out at my place to greet and welcome him. My joint looked like there was an Al Qaeda convention and I was afraid the navy seals were going to bust my door and smoke my ass.

I am thankful that one of my dear good friends is back in town and DC is lucky to have a great knowledgeable night cabbie back on the street.

And when is the FBI going to start criminal investigation of councilman Harris Thomas Jr?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

HERE COMES MICHELLE

That's some scary ass shit man! There is a very remote chance that this witch could be the next president of the United States. Even though she has won the straw poll in Iowa which doesn't mean jack, I don't think she will get her party's nomination now that the president of Texas Rick Perry is in the mix. But at the same time I do have this side of me that tells me Governor Perry is going to be the 2012 version of Fred Thompson, remember him? I think he is doing senior citizen diaper commercials now.

Congratulations Michelle Bachmann for winning the Iowa straw poll and I hope you get the nomination for your party as well, so president Obama will have four more years to finish the job he started. I say the only republican candidate capable of grabbing the independence and pissed off democrats vote and kick Obama's ass is Mitt Romney.

And when is the FBI going to start criminal investigation of councilman Harris Thomas Jr?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

THE TSA AGENT

I would love to have that job man, squeezing tits all day long and getting paid for it!

Few weeks ago around three in the morning I picked up this drunk kid who wanted to go near the DC Maryland border. I am trying not to be carelessly specific in my story just to protect his job in case some of his colleagues read this post.

"Mad, you're full of shit man! You have about three people who read this blog, don't worry about the kid's identity. Who do you think you are? The Huffington Post or something!" 

This guy was shitfaced like there was no tomorrow. He wanted me to wait for him when we got to his place so he can grab his uniform and go to work, since he was too drunk to drive to the airport. I asked if he was an airline pilot knowing those cats fly drunk all the time but he proudly told me that he is a TSA agent. It didn't take him to long when he returned back to my cab after he changed and got in to his TSA uniform. I asked him how is going to perform half drunk, but he assured me not to worry and that he will be sober after a half hour nap in my cab on the way.

When we arrived at the airport he downed a whole pack of tic-tac, gave me the thumbs up sign and walked towards the departure terminal. Now please don't rush to judgment, he was responsible enough not to drive drunk who cares about stopping terrorists!

And when is the FBI going to start criminal investigation of councilman Harris Thomas Jr?

Please don't forget the homeless,


Mad Cabbie.


Friday, August 05, 2011

TALL GIRL SHORT BOY


I was cruising down Connecticut avenue one night near Uptown Theater when I was flagged down by a tall blond woman. When I say tall, real tall, like six feet and change and very attractive too. Usually very tall girls have horse faces but this chic was hot and curvy at the right places. There was a short dude standing next to her, I thought for a while he was her son or something. He was at least six inches shorter than her with a very boyish look.

They wanted to go the Russia House and as soon as I started driving she was all over him, her hand between his legs and lips locked. I didn't know what to do, I was like should I call the child protective service or something, or should I flag down one of the cops off the street? This woman is raping this young boy! After a few minutes the guy asked me if I was doing okay, I was relieved that he turned out to be an adult. He really sounded much older than he looked so I stopped looking for cops. We started talking and bull-shitting, and the funny thing was, she kept rubbing his crotch while she was explaining the plot of the Harry Potter movie to me. She didn't stop massaging his pipe until we got to the Russia House.

That midget got to have a huge snake between his legs, because I know for a fact that very tall girls don't go for dudes with small wieners.

"How did you know that fact Mad? Does it mean you're packing a tiny belly-button in your pants and got dumped quite a few times by tall chics?" 

Shut up you idiot, I am not discussing the size of my penis on this family oriented blog! Trying to embarrass me in front of my fans?

So after I dropped them off I....

"Hi, my name is Trish and I am an alcoholic. I dated Mad Cabbie few years ago, and I loved his 6' 3" frame but I laughed my ass off when he took off his clothes and I saw his..." 

Sorry to cut you off Trish, but we are out of time and I must end this post NOW.

When is the FBI going to start criminal investigation of councilman Harris Thomas Jr?


Please don't forget the homeless,


Mad Cabbie

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

WHO WOULD YOU BANG?

"This shit is dope man! You wanna take a hit?"
"Sorry fellow teabaggers, it's that Chinese shit I had last night!"
I took a poll for the past couple of weeks by asking some of my passengers who would they choose to have sex with between Sara Palin and Michele Bachmann. There were 28 participant, 26 males and 2 females. The verdict.....

Sara Palin ran away with 21 votes including both females participants and poor Michele Bachmann got only 6! One participant chose to commit suicide instead.
 
When is the FBI going to start criminal investigation of councilman Harris Thomas Jr?


Please don't forget the homeless,


Mad Cabbie

Saturday, July 30, 2011

THOSE CHEAP CANADIANS

It was a heavy rainy night in Washington, March or maybe April and people were fighting each other for cabs. I was rolling with cash doing short runs until some dude with a knocked out tooth dragged my ass all the way to Sibley Memorial Hospital. He said someone in a strip club knocked him out, and this idiot was holding his knocked out front tooth with him so the doctors could put it back together for him. Of course he was shitfaced!

As soon as I dropped him off at the hospital and was ready to leave, this nurse came running out of the emergency room to tell me to wait for some VIP passengers who were willing to pay me $40 (normally a $15 fare) just to take them to the Mayflower Hotel on Connecticut Avenue. Five minutes later couple of white guys one with cast on his arm rushed out of the hospital and got in to my cab.

They had a foreign accent when they started talking, so I asked if they were from Azerbaijan but they said they are Canadians. They turned out to be Edmonton Oilers Sam Gagner and the team physician trying to get back to their hotel after doctor's at Sibley performed a surgery on Sam Gagner's hand. He injured his hand during a game against the Washington Capitals, I heard he wasn't even on the field when he was injured. Pussy!

When we got to the hotel it was still pouring rain outside and the fare came out to $14.50. The team physician handed me $15 and they both ran out of the cab and disappeared in to the hotel lobby. Jack asses! what am I supposed to do? Run after them and demand another $25? Forget it man, instead I picked up this fat dude with a hot chink Asian chick, they wanted to rush to a beer and wine store in Bethesda before it closes at midnite. At least I made a quick $20 out of that one!

When is the FBI going to start criminal investigation of councilman Harris Thomas Jr?


Please don't forget the homeless,


Mad Cabbie.

Friday, July 29, 2011

WELCOME NEW TAXICAB COMMISSIONER


Mayor Vince Gray appointed the legendary actor Fred Gwynne as the new DC Taxicab commissioner couple of days ago. Great move, great move Mr. Mayor..

"Excuse me Mad, you dumb fuck, Fred Gwynne has been dead for years, the new appointee is Ron Linton."



Sorry fellaz, for some reason I thought he was Fred Gwynne! Welcome Ron Linton our new commish, lets get started and clean house man. You are going to meet full of lazy ass clowns in that office so good luck!

When is the FBI going to start criminal investigation of councilman Harris Thomas Jr?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

THE AVERAGE LOOKING WHITE MAN GOT MARRIED

I have acquired a great deal of  accomplishment and success over the years, like in 1998 I was the driver of the month for two month in a row for the the month of August and September. You can laugh all you want but I am still proudly hanging that cheap ass award certificate on my living room wall. That shit is like a chic magnet man, women are really impressed whenever they see that recognition. But here comes another accomplishment that can over-shine everything that I have done so far.

Couple years ago a man called JD emailed me to ask me where a middle-aged average looking white man can meet chics and get laid in DC and I posted my response. Few days after that post a 37 year old divorced professional white woman emailed me and said she wanted to meet JD and check him out. I forwarded her information to JD and the rest as they say is history. JD emailed me from time to time about their dates and progress for a while and I never heard from them for over a year until about a couple month ago! Let me share a part of that message with you...

"....It will be an honor to have you as one of our guest on our wedding day. Please send me an address where I can send the invitation card and....."

That was an awesome moment for me man! A couple hooking up through a blog by a retarded cabdriver and ending up getting married after two years? That's some crazy ass shit man, I am proud of myself. Fuck match.com, this is the place where you can pickup your future bride motherfucker!

I was thinking about them this past Saturday being it was their wedding day. I politely declined to go the weeding but I did send a present. The party was in Manassas, Virginia and I heard those Prince William county authorities are deporting undocumented immigrants like crazy and I can easily pass as a Mexican. Better to be safe than sorry man, otherwise I will end up posting this shit from Tijuana Mexico.

JD and Kathy, congratulations and all the best to you!  

When is the FBI going to start criminal investigation of councilman Harris Thomas Jr?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Monday, July 25, 2011

LOST IN TRANSLATION

Ward 5 Council-member Harry "Hustleman" Thomas, Jr. today issued the following statement regarding the settlement agreement he has reached with the Office of the Attorney General:

"Serving as the Councilman for Ward 5 residents is my greatest honor. In an effort to continue to focus on my most important goals – improving the lives of my constituents in Ward 5 and the residents of Washington, DC — I have agreed to a settlement. I feel this is in the best interest of the city.

I have committed my life to teaching life skills to children through sports and athletic competition. The discipline and strenuous rigors that I teach through coaching and mentoring were lacking in the management of the organization.

As I have stated before, the allegations in the Attorney General's complaint about there being no service provided and a purposeful misuse of any funds are not true. That is why the settlement does not have any agreement of wrongdoing.

It is not uncommon for grantees, including DC agencies receiving federal funds, to have expenditures disallowed. It is my desire to move forward with the disposition of this matter in a way that will cause the least disruption to my family and my constituency, and that will save the DC government and its citizens the time and expense of litigation, as well.

I appreciate the trust the citizens have placed in me during these allegations. I have used my role as council-member to tend to the needs and interests of those who I have the privilege to serve. These actions are being taken to ensure that the trust the public has placed in me is maintained and honored."

Can I translate just what the motherfucker said for you? Here it goes...

"I got caught stealing! So what? I will hustle little cash here and there and pay it back. If niggers in DC reelected Marion Barry after all that shit he'd done, I am sitting mighty pretty motherfucker. Most of my fellow crook colleagues are not going to force me out of office, maybe couple of those white ones because they're racist. You retards in ward 5 don't forget to send your money and vote for me suckers!

P.S. I heard  that moron Mad Cabbie is talking shit about me, don't worry I will fix that big idiot up. I am going to rob his ass at gunpoint and if I get caught, I will just return the money to his sorry ass and admit for no wrongdoing and I will be set free. Maybe I will find a way to squeeze some cash out of that DC Taxicab Medallion bill I have introduced."

When is the FBI going to start criminal investigation of councilman Harris Thomas Jr?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

RESIGN HARRY THOMAS JR RESIGN

Harry Thomas, JR. is a Washington DC council-member and he represents ward 5 for those of you who don't know him. My man Harry is in a deep shit, he is accused of  misusing $316,000 of the people's money for personal benefits, like buying a $69,149.60 Audi SUV. We call that stealing in the streets! On top of that, few years ago he founded some shady ass non-profit organization called Team Thomas that supposed to help poor DC kids teach swing sports. The so called non-profit raised about $200,000 and we still don't know who the major donors are and how the money is spent. But thanks to my man  Alan "Loose Lip" Suderman from Washington City Paper, his investigation shed some light for us.

$143.71 tab at Hooters
$84.74 bill at Bed Bath & Beyond
$350 payment to a Maryland-based animal trapper
$7,500 at golf courses around the country
$10,000 worth of golf equipment
$5,000 on hotels
$362.33 satellite TV charge, and a subscription to Sports Illustrated
$170 charged at a perfume store the day after Christmas
$25.95 spent at Flagship Car Wash
$75 bill at a 7-Eleven on New Year’s Eve
$39.09 bill at Hunan Treasures Restaurant
$204 cash withdrawal at the Wynn Hotel in Las Vegas, just to name a few. You can read the entire article here.

Harry Thomas JR. is also the sponsor of the controversial shady ass DC Taxicab Medallion Bill which basically gets rid of 4000 cab drivers and benefit one particular cab company, probably one of his major donors. The way the bill is set up is like a thief running in to an open safe, wide open for corruption and pretty much written by a lobbyist and former DC councilman John Ray. When John Ray was confronted by one of the Ethiopian drivers that said the bill discriminates against drivers who don't live in the city, John Ray started yelling and cussing in a condescending way that no one in that meeting had never been discriminated against like he did 100 years ago. "John Ray, how long are you going to milk that civil rights gravy train?" Thanks for all your struggles, but it's the world of what have you done for me lately. Washington DC was the murder capital of the world during your watch bitch! Just shut the fuck up!   

Let me give you an example, according to the medallion bill, my man Ponytail Charlie who fought in Vietnam for his country and who drove for Diamond Cab for years will not be allowed to own and drive his taxi anymore just because he lives in Maryland! Fuck you Harry and your bill, and I have a prediction for you, Charlie will keep driving his cab and for you, I see jail time motherfucker! Just do the right thing, resign Harry Thomas JR.

When is the FBI going to start criminal investigation of councilman Harris Thomas Jr?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

THE SPOT

One of my favorite overnite hang-out spot is around Hotel Helix on Rhode Island avenue between 14th and 15th. There is a 7-11 around the corner and there is always foot-traffic pretty much all night. The reason I like this spot is that this particular block is a scumbag magnet, every creepy freak crawls around this spot and those are my best customers.

I was giving advice to a couple of hookers on how to maximize their income quick before their tits falls apart when Fred ran from across the street and interrupted my lectures. I haven't seen Fred in a while and I was happy to see he is still living. I have known Fred for quite some time, he was rolling with shit load of money and expensive cars during the dot com boom days.To make a long story short he is an ex entrepreneur that lives in a shady ass rented room and loves his crack these days.

Fred: Yo Mad, you are fucken alive, someone told me that you've been shot.
Me: No not yet, I am still living. Who told you that bull-shit?
Fred: Triple D Debbie read a comment on your blog that said so.
Me: I thought Triple D Debbie is in jail?  
Fred: She is out now, I think she works at a day-care center in Arlington! I am glad you're okay.
Me: Trust me I am not going to get shot before you do, motherfucker!
Fred: Can you drive me to Petworth, I need to get some shit!

I said good bye to my hooker friends and cruised north on 15th street with Fred so he can buy his happiness for the night. I went back to my spot after a few runs, the block was unusually quite. I guess the the hookers got their Johns, Fred got his fix and I made a few bucks, everyone is happy.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

2012

Senator Dennis Kucinich, Senator Bernie Sanders and rapper Flavor Flav. Unless one of these three great Americans run for the presidency in 2012, I am not going to vote at all.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie. 

Sunday, March 20, 2011

THE PASTOR ALMOST CHECKED OUT

Do you believe my friend Pastor Joe had a heart attack right in-front of me! Yes that cracker ruined my date with some chic I was supposed to hook up with later that night. Instead I had to rush his ass to the hospital and babysit his ass for the last month. We didn't know that he experienced a mild heart attack until we got to the hospital and got him checked out.

I was off that night and I was at my apartment getting pimped up to go out when Pastor Joe took a break and stopped by to chill a little bit because he wasn't feeling well. The minute I saw him I knew something was wrong, he looked weak and so pale I thought Maryiln Manson was at my door. He kept complaining of having a heartburn and refused to go to the hospital but when he started to sweat like crazy, I grabbed his ass and drove him to George Washington Hospital emergency room.

I thought when you have a heart attack you supposed to have a sharp pain at the chest, you moan and you drop to the floor. Pastor didn't have any of that shit and I was surprised when the doctors came out and told me what happened. All that greasy crap that you ate finally paid off motherfucker! Don't worry he will be fine, he just need to adjust to some lifestyle changes and he will be alright. He is way too young to check out but I hope this will be a wake-up call to all of you motherfuckers who eat shit and don't exercise at all.

Sorry for not posting for the last four weeks, I was busy being a nurse to the Pastor because his white trash friends were nowhere to be found. Pastor Joe, next time you have a heart attack please make sure it's in the month of August when the cab business is very slow bitch!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

CAPITOL POLICE


 

No this picture is not from the 1940's Nazi check-point in Warsaw, it's in the paranoid capital of the free world Washington DC. Capitol Police is slowly becoming one of the worthless police force in the country, talking about wasting tax payer's money. These days they sank to a new low by pulling over and harassing every  other cab driver in Capitol Hill for no apparent reasons  because they ain't got shit to do. All they good at is to stare at congressional intern chic's asses all day long or sit in their police cruisers on Independence Avenue with their thumbs deep in their butts.

If you drive through Capitol Hill and Union Station, there are more cops than regular people. The overreaction of 9-11 left these surplus cops with nothing to do but intimidate law abiding retards like DC cabdrivers. Without getting in to the root cause of the problem, 9-11 happened because of these different bureaucratic law-enforcement agencies failed to share information, and those towel-head motherfuckers got real lucky!

"Who are you calling towel head? Nigger! I have bunch of nephews that drive cabs in DC and I will make sure they take care of your ass! You're dead Mad Cabbie, you're DEAD! By the way, is Ben's Chili Bowl still around? Way back in the days I had me a nice half smoke that was dope. I have to go now Mad, one of those Predator aircraft is buzzing over my cave.

Yours truly,

Osama Bin Laden."

Relax Osama, I have a bunch of towel-headed friends liked Ahmed, Hassan and Abdala and they all love me. I didn't know that Osama Bin laden used to roll at Ben's Chili Bowl? I am sorry I got sidetracked by this idiot.

As far as I know the roll of Capitol Police is to guard congress folks and all the buildings, not regulating the city taxi code. I checked their website and found this....  

"The moment of transformation… when you slip into the uniform… put on the badge… and join our elite ranks, you’ll feel it. This is the moment you truly become a part of the dedication, the pride, and the legacy that makes the United States Capitol Police a force like no other."

A force like no other? I have bunch of friends who are DC cops and they address Capitol Police as "federal mall-cops" so please stop that "a force like no other" bullshit!


"Mad Cabbie, this is Captain Dick Shorty from the United States Capitol Police, we have traced this blog and we know that you are the driver of Diamond Cab #3514. I will make sure you pay for all this, bitch! You better not step a foot in Capitol Hill anymore!" 


I got to go now,


Please don't forget the homeless,


Mad Cabbie.





Wednesday, February 16, 2011

RICKI THE SINGING CAB DRIVER

I have known Ricki for a number of years, he is one of the old timers. You can say Ricki is the Brett Favre of cab drivers, he keeps coming back out of retirement. The first time he retired he wanted to settle in the Philippines and chill but that plan didn't work out so he came back. The second time he moved back in the woods, in Pennsylvania and that didn't last too long either.

I like Ricki, he is a good man and a very good cab driver. He is a dreamer but some times unfulfilled dreams catch up with us and turn in to our worst nightmares. Ricki and I have special relationship,

"Yo Mad, are you a homo or something? What's up with that special relationship man!"

Every time I see Ricki I used to force him cry by deliberately guiding our conversation about his ex-wife. His ex-wife left him for another dude years ago and he never got over it.

"Mad, do you blame her? Look at the way he sings!"

Come on man! Can we exercise a little sensitivity here? The man is hurting!

I haven't seen Ricki lately and I hope he is doing alright and NO I am not going to mention his ex-wife anymore when I see him. I am a matured gentleman now.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie. 





Saturday, February 12, 2011

NEW TRANSMISSION

The shop I go to to get my cab fixed is a complete shit-hole, but my man Raul is one of the best transmission guy in town. There he is sitting next to my dead transmission while waiting for a small part to complete the job and you can see part of my cab on the lift. I always make sure to have a case of Heineken in the trunk for Raul so he can expedite the job. He is very effective when he is loaded.

They sell fried fish in the back of the shop if you're hungry. The fish has some rubbery taste for some reason but it's pretty good, I think. I enjoy watching the interaction among the mechanics. They are from Pakistan, India, Vietnam, El Salvador and Eritrea, and they accuse each other of not understanding English.

I took out my cab last night with the newly installed transmission, and it runs like a champ. Job well done Raul!

I ran in to this gal that I went to college with the other night at Whole Foods on P street, and we're going to hang out tonight. I was surprised that she never married because back in college every creep wanted to get in to her pants because she was hot and smart.

God! I think I need to go to the bathroom, it might be something I ate, I don't know!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Monday, February 07, 2011

MAD THE REPORTER

Earlier this morning I happened to pass by Senator Dianne Feinstein's crib and I saw all kind of DC cops all over her driveway. I said to myself WTF?, What happened to one of my favourite liberal chics in congress?

"Excuse me Mad, who you calling a chic? Isn't she is like 99 years old!"

What ever dude, I think she is hot, and please don't interrupt me! I am trying to concentrate motherfucker!

I slowed down and I assessed the situation, and the next think I saw was a handcuffed dark haired middle-aged woman escorted by a cop to the squad car. It wasn't the senator but I wonder who she was? She looked creepy and disoriented. I didn't stick around too long because I didn't want no secret service agent on my ass and end up in Guantanamo-Bay.

Can any of you media people tell us what happened this morning or do I have to do your freaken job for God's sakes?

By the way happy fucken 100th birthday Ronald Reagan! Thanks for single handedly  wiping out the middle class out of America. Oh, I forgot! You ended the cold-war as well right? It's like taking credit for shooting and killing a quadriplegic person with AIDS and liver cancer. The Soviet Union was a dying experiment ever since Lenin's 1917 Bolshevik revolution! I have never heard of  any over-rated President like Reagan. Republicans have orgasms when ever they hear the word "Ronald Reagan" thanks to Tip Oneill. The only thing I thank Reagan for is for all the young pun-tangs I was getting during his presidency, boy I was getting laid left and right man!

"Shut the fuck up Mad! Just stick to your day job driving that stupid ass cab and leave the politics to Sarah Palin you idiot!" 

You know what, I can't continue to write this post anymore while this retard keeps interrupting me!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Thursday, February 03, 2011

TAXI-METER SCAMS

A bunch of New York city cab drivers got busted few month ago for overcharging their passengers and most of them pleaded guilty. Check out this link: New York cabbies fare-boost scam.

Can this happen in Washington DC?

When you get in to a DC cab and the driver clicks the button, there are four rate options:

Rate-1: Regular DC rate from point A to point B with in the city limit and caps out at $19 thanks to our former Supreme Mayor, Comrade Kim IL Fenty as Phil the dispatcher calls him.

Rate-2: The same per-mile rate as rate 1 but used for any fare that crosses the DC line in to Virginia, Maryland or any state but there is no $19 cap. (All airports are Rate-2)

Rate-3: Snow emergency rate that charges 25% more than rate 1 and rate 2. This rate is active only when DC government declares snow emergency for the city.

Rate-4: Hourly rate that charges $25 per hour with in the city limits.Usually tourists hire cabbies to drive them around historical spots in Washington. 

There are so many illegal cabdrivers and out of state drivers doing illegal pick-up in DC, especially during the night. As a passenger you can't tell if the driver is a legal licensed driver or not, because everything looks legit, including the fake hack ID you see above the dash. Most of these drivers are not afraid to use Rate-3 and charge you 25% more because they don't have any Hack ID to protect in case they get caught. I am not trying to say all the legal drivers are innocent but the stake is too high to pull off some shit like that. If a driver is caught using Rate-3 illegally for the first time, it will be an automatic termination of his or her Hack ID.

Those retarded DC hack inspectors are busy harassing the legitimate cab drivers for minor shit instead of cracking down on the more serious public safety threat, the illegal cabdrivers! Besides getting ripped off,  if you get involved in a serious accident while riding these illegal cabs, I hope and pray you carry a very good insurance of your own, otherwise you will be out of luck.

If a driver clocked you at Rate-3 on a nice sunny day, just go ahead and hand him your wallet!

By the way what happened to my man King of New York hacks? He didn't post for a while. I hope he is not one of those NY cabbies who got busted, but I know he doesn't roll like that. If you see him, tell that bad ass motherfucker I am looking for him.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

BEN HAS A GIRLFRIEND

High-Tech Ben called me up last night and insisted that we meet because he had something important to tell me. I was rolling last night and I really didn't want to stop hacking but after his fifteenth phone call I gave up and agreed to to meet up at one of our overnight hang out spots around three in the morning.

When we usually meet up and chill, we hang for about an hour and he may talk for thirty seconds and I yap for the rest of fifty nine minutes and thirty seconds. Last night it was different, he was doing all the talking, Ben is in LOVE! How did he pulled it off? I have known Ben for many years and I have never seen him with a woman before, the last boyfriend-girlfriend relationship that he talks is about a blind girl he dated in high school and that was about a hundred years ago. Ben is a creepy guy and has  "A future serial killer" written all over his forehead but I like him, the only subjects that he talk about comfortably are about the latest electronic gadgets and World War II. Its easy to spot Ben because he likes to hack around the hookers corner at K and M streets downtown with his surveillance gears on board.

Ben comes from a wealthy family and he inherited one of his parent's paid off house in Rockville, but both of his well to do professional sisters broke off any communication with him for a reason that he don't like to talk about. Ben is also a very good cab driver, he has a way of hacking that he mastered to an exact science. I know cab driving is an honest living but there has to be some shit during our childhood that makes us hang on to this crazy profession as a career. I wonder what went wrong with Ben?

Mad: This better be good motherfucker, I was on a roll tonite until you slowed my ass down bitch, so whats up High-Tech?
Ben: I think I need you to check out this woman I like.
Mad: what makes you think I am an expert, I haven't get laid yet in 2011
Ben: She is blind and Jewish.
Mad: What the fuck is with you and these blind women? And why do you care whether she is Jewish or not? When is the last time you showed up at a synagogue ever since your bar mitzvah motherfucker?
Ben: This is no joke man, she is a good woman and she likes me.
Mad: Well at least she won't be able to see your creepy ass!

Few weeks ago Ben picked this blind woman with a see-eye-dog and drove her to the animal hospital on Brandywine street, she dropped her dog off and had Ben drive her back home. On the way home Ben mentioned that he dated a blind girl in high school and they ended up talking in his cab for two hours. I just cant imagine High-Tech Ben talking to another human being for two hours, I guess he really likes her. His plan was he wanted me to stay up late and drive little more so he can show me his girl this morning at her regular bus stop on her way to her federal job.

So it was early this morning that two retarded cab drivers parked at a street corner stalking a blind woman and her see-eye-dog at a bus stop. I was surprised man, she is one blind woman who really takes care of herself and I don't know why he needed my stamp of approval. As far as I am concerned he did well, he probably told her that he looks like George Clooney. He is going to take her to his house this weekend and he might get lucky too.

"Mad, what a pathetic life you have! Even the creepy ass High-Tech-Ben is going to get laid before you do this year you looser!"

Come on man, why beat on a brother when he's down?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Friday, January 28, 2011

MAN IN RED

When this guy with a dark suit wearing a red cowboy boots tried to flag me down around 7th and Constitution, I didn't know whether to stop for him or run over his ass. But I thought he may be one of those new tea-party member of congress and I didn't want to be charged with a federal offense if I did.

I was like "What's up with those red boots dude?" and with out saying anything he gave me the "What the fuck do you know about fashion you retard? Red boots are in!" look. Can someone please tell me if guys red boots are really in ? Because I still have my early eighty's flash dance ankle-top red boots stashed away somewhere.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

THE HOT BLACK CHIC

Few nights ago a hot black chic got in to my cab and the first words that came out of her mouth was, "Do you like to snuggle after sex?" That was a very strange question to ask a person you just met. This girl was pretty, smoking body and smelled real good. I said to my dumb self, "Mad Cabbie, finally after twenty years of hacking some hot chic wanna fuck you and she wants to make sure if you like to snuggle after sex!" and I didn't know what it was but something hard in my pants shifted from left to right.

Generally cab drivers we are chronic bullshitters, every cab driver has stories about a fare that ends up in a room at the Mayflower with a hot blond, a blow job in front of some chic's driveway or being a boy toy to an old widowed millionaire. Maybe I am way behind in my game but those scenarios never come my way, okay just once! She had few extra pounds though, like three hundred extra pounds! But this time it's a real hottie.

"You are such a looser Mad Cabbie, you disgusting pig!"

Shut up you jackass, can I finish my story please?

I didn't know how to respond to her question, so I answered by asking her the same question that she threw at me about snuggling. Her story was that she just hooked up with this dude after attending the pathetic Washington Wizards basketball game. After they finished having sex the guy buried her under his arm at a point she couldn't breath, and when she begged him to stop, he got annoyed and angry because she didn't like his post-sex snuggle ritual. That's when she ran out of his apartment and jumped in my cab and wanted to know what my preference after sex was and that's when what ever shifted in my pants returned to it's original place.

I dropped her off at her high-rise apartment on Porter street and we said our good-byes. A few minutes later I picked up a Latino kitchen help who accidentally sliced his finger, and I had to drive his bleeding ass to George Washington Hospital ER. He was crying, moaning and holding his dangling finger that was wrapped with a white towel, and I was thinking about that hot black chic. 

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

CASH OR STEAK KNIVES ONLY PLEASE

"Hello Mad Cabbie,

I live in Georgetown and I do quite a lot of business travel. In most major cities the cabs accept credit card and it makes it really convenient for people like myself to use my company's credit account to expense all my travel costs. It really doesn't make any sense that majority of the cabs in one of the most important cities in the world (Washington, DC) don't accept credit cards. I know that there are cost associated with the card readers and commissions to the bank, but at the same time wouldn't be to the drivers interest not to carry a lot of cash and more passenger traffic because of the credit cards? It just doesn't make any business sense not to accept credit card these days! Please explain Mad Cabbie, you probably know somethings I don't.

Your blog rocks man, I thought you stopped writing, it just happened a friend of mine emailed me a link about your new years eve post which was one of your funniest post. Keep on blogging you might end up doing something great out of this blog.

Thanks,

CJ from Georgetown."


Thanks for your email CJ. I am one of those drivers that don't take plastics. In my case just for one reason and one reason only, COST! Majority of my night riders pay me in cash, okay maybe few in food stamps so I really don't want to spend money on equipment, commission and other wireless access fees, I am just a natural born bean counter. But if I drove during the day time and do a lot of airport runs I would definitely have one of those wireless CC scanners.

District of Columbia Taxicab Commission doesn't have a law that enforce taxis to accept credit cards, at least not yet so it's completely up to the driver to accept credit cards or not. Some drivers don't have good credit score and don't want to pay the higher commission rate to the banks, sometimes as high as 8% . The culture of paying cab rides with credit cards in DC is not really catching on yet, so some drivers are waiting until the demand justifies the cost.

People have creative ways paying  for their cab rides. I remember few years ago some dude offered me a set of steak knives he just stole from a store for a ride to Michigan Park and I took on his offer. I gave those same set as a weeding gift a year later. Of course there is that old bullshit story that every cab driver tell, "...she didn't have cash for the fare so I let her give me a blow-job!" That never happened to me so far and it will never will unless she is one toothless crack-head bitch.

CJ, unfortunately for the time being it's not going to be easy finding a DC cabbie that would accept your corporate credit card. Maybe in a couple of years or so but for now you have a better chance of paying for your fare by carrying a set of steak knives in your brief-case.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

THE OTHER SIDE

I was coming back from south-east cruising on Pennsylvania avenue in Capitol Hill when a tall white dude flagged me down. He looked half toasted and his breathing was out of the ordinary, like he just completed a marathon. I asked if was running and he said he was just nervous and scared! Scared? Scared of what?

He told me that he is going to tell his wife that he wants out of the marriage. He has been drinking for the last four hours so he can have the balls to face her when he do so. Mind you it's a little after one in the morning and this clown is going to wake up his poor wife and ask her for a divorce. At the same time I was tuned in to "coast to coast am " on the radio. For those of you who are not familiar with "coast to coast am", it's a radio show that attracts night-shift retards like myself and talks about alien abductions, UFO, secret society, shadow government and shit like that. And last night they had a guest talking about how to learn to talk to dead people if you buy his book, and I was listening attentively.

This dude wouldn't leave me alone, he talked about how he is in love with another chic at his work and can not live without her because they are a match made in heaven. He talked about his wife being pain in the ass and that she is not giving up the pussy as frequently as he liked, as a matter of fact according to his iphone app, in 2010 they fucked only fourteen times!

He wanted my opinion and usually I would say "Are you fucking crazy? you dumb ass! You don't wake your wife up one in the morning and..." but last night I was like "You go boy! Wake that bitch up and...", just to make our conversation short so that I can carry on listening to the radio about the latest technique on how to talk to dead people.

Finally I dropped him off around 28th and Cathedral! He admired my superior advice that I have given him and paid me handsomely. This fair would buy me the book that they have advertised on the radio show, and soon Mad Cabbie will be talking to all kind of dead motherfuckers on the other side!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

PRINCE GEORGE COUNTY

 
Prince George's County is a part of Maryland that borders Washington, DC. It's on its way to be recognized as the murder capital of the United States. I feel sorry for the cabbies who work in that dump, I feel much safer hustling in any DC ghetto than that shit hole they call Prince George's county. In fact I have heard of a PG county cabbie who joined the army and got shipped to Afghanistan just to get away from the violence in Landover.

About a year ago some jackass robbed an Ethiopian cabdriver, shot him in the back of the head, threw him out of the cab, ran over him and left him for dead in Landover. They caught that savage moron driving the murdered Ethiopian cabdriver's taxi the next day. Few months ago he got convicted and got life plus 80 years, I think he well be eligible for parole on his 137th birthday!

As of today there are 11 murders in 2011 already! Brothers are getting out of control man, something needs to be done, somebody! Al Sharpton, why isn't his fat ass marching already?

There is this chic who drives a cab out there in PG county, she's got more balls than I do man, and she has a blog too. Just check her out when you get a chance and let her know how brave she is.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Monday, January 10, 2011

APARTHEID DAYS AT DIAMOND

Diamond was, in fact the last company to accept black drivers. As far as I am aware, there were three segregated companies: Yellow, Liberty and Diamond.

When I came to Diamond, the first black American driver was still there, Mr. Alston, #42.

At one point, Jimmy Heffner, who was the rental manager at Yellow drove for Diamond. He told the story how he desegregated Yellow. It seems that this black driver, a retired D.C. Fireman, came there to rent, as they made you rent for a while at Yellow before they would take you as a private owner. The boss told Heffner to make him sit on the bench and tell him that there were no cabs available. This went on for three days until Heffner told the boss that either Heffner was going to give this guy a cab or the boss was going to tell this Fireman that he was not going to get a cab. The boss backed off and told Heffner to give him a cab, then went around there telling everyone that Heffner had pressured him into letting a black guy drive at Yellow. Heffner said that he took quite a bit of grief for that.

I know for a fact that Heffner is dead. Alston is probably, as well. I remember when he left, because he told me that he was taking off time because his health was failing him, but that he hoped to be back. He always had a buffalo nickel in one ear.

Up until 2007, the driver card file was still in the office. Gloria Sartori, who was front desk Secretary from 1947-1989 maintained it. She typed the race of each driver onto a card and put it into the file. She would type 'Nigerian' for any black African (if you want to make a Ghanaian or a Sierra Leonian angry, call him a 'Nigerian'). She would type 'Arabic' for any middle Easterner, even Persians or Afghans (if you want to make a Persian angry, call him an 'Arab'). Pakistanis and east Indians were 'Hindu', black Americans were 'Negro' and white Americans were 'White' or 'Caucasian' as were some of recent European origin, although some of those were identified by the country of their birth. The file was still there in 2007, although I have no idea if it is still there. The first driver to get the designation 'Nigerian', Mr. Bernard Obi, cab #658, is still at Diamond.
I do not know from where Mr. Obi comes.

P.S Mr Obi is from Ghana.

This post is written by Phil the Dispatcher,
copy and pasted (stolen) by Mad Cabbie.

Thanks Phil, and don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Thursday, January 06, 2011

2011 PREDICTIONS

Few days ago Pat "the phony" Robertson predicted that the United States will go bankrupt in two years! Back in the days he once predicted that Jesus Christ would come back by the end of 1982. In 1982 while my high school buddies were getting stoned and having fun, I was waiting for Jesus at the corner of River Rd and Wilson Lane, and guess what? Jesus was a no-show! Pat, thanks for nothing you jackass, that whole year I deprived myself from jerking-off because I was paranoid that Jesus may knock on my bathroom door! I am not going to fall for your bullshit anymore you freak!

Let me tell you my predictions for 2011,

Pat Robinson and a former Washington DC high level official both will come out of the closet after being caught with transvestite hookers! The balance sheet of the United States will improve and by the end of this year the economy will generate two million more new jobs! How do you like that Mr. 700 Club?

Let me visit the bathroom and take care of business real quick now, and don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

NEW YEARS EVE PARTY

I got to the Bunker few minutes after midnight and I met Pastor Joe and "Wheel Chair Jerrome" smoking cigarettes outside. You all know my best and dysfunctional friend Pastor Joe, there is no need to introduce him. My man Jerrome is an old friend and a computer geek on a wheel chair for the last fifteen years. The story goes that some pissed off nigger shot his ass when he found out that Jerrome was fucking his woman and his sister. That ended  Jerrome's famous break dancing skill for good because Jerrome ended up being paralyzed from the waist down. If you ask me, that's the best thing that has ever happened to Jerrome because he was extremely smart but a no good motherfucker who was going to end up dead or locked up in prison. Instead he decided to go to college and earn a couple of degrees and now he is in to network security field and making a good living.

I left those clowns outside and proceeded to the shady ass entrance of the Bunker. I knocked on the door and Al the bouncer let me in after he yelled at me for the reason I didn't know, when Al gets drunk no one understands what the fuck he says, so I just high fived him and moved on inside the social club!

The Bunker is a hidden place in the middle of nowhere where the night owls meet, like the bartenders after they close their bars, where hookers stop by between their tricks, where dancers go after they're done with their gigs and where some of DC's shady ass characters assemble. Don't try to google this joint, you won't find it, it's like a members only country club for creepy ass motherfuckers. Last call in this joint is when the fucken sun rises and drinks are technically free you just have to make a reasonable donation for this dump's historic site preservation fund.

The place was packed and more people were pouring in. I met friends I haven't seen for years, I was happy to see Andre, a Russian dude who did time for few years for pretending to be an immigration lawyer. I remember few years back I drove couple of Russian immigrants to his office, I thought he was a real lawyer, even though he was sharing an office space next to a used tire shop, that didn't alarm me at all. Andre said prison wasn't that bad, he killed time by reading hate mails from some of his deported Russian clients in Moscow.

As soon I was getting comfortable Pastor Joe dragged my ass outside so that we can carry Jerrome and his wheelchair in the club since the fucken death trap establishment is not wheelchair accessible. Jerrome looked like a proud Egyptian King Tut carried by two retards when he made his grand entry to the club, it was a pretty funny scene. Then I run into Fred who was rushing to get out of there and I said, "What the fuck Fred, the party just started, where the fuck are you going?" He said "I got to roll Mad Cabbie, I have a car hooked up on my tow truck and I have to drop it at the lot, happy new year motherfucker! and don't worry I will be back later on" and he rushed out. Later I learned that he repossessed a jeep earlier in southwest and just stopped by the club to pick up some weeds. Talking about weeds, there was this dude wearing a Santa hat walking around with a small diaper bag full of weeds and passing them out like cookies, that place was wicked man!

I described these people because unfortunately we all ended up in the same pickup truck when the party came to an end. It was a great party, everyone had a good time and everything went without a glitch until it was time to go and the nephew with a van that supposed to pick up Wheelchair Jerrome didn't show up because it overheated! The area we were at, let alone wheelchair accessible cabs, even cops don't show up if you cry out for help so we need to do quick thinking to transport Jerrome. Fred was climbing on his pickup truck (came back with the pickup truck after he dropped off the tow-truck) and I had to beg him for a  ride after I explained our situation with Jerrome. To my surprise Fred agreed to give us a ride! Wheelchair Jerrome lives all way out in Virginia off the Dulles toll road to be near his work, he pretty much wheel himself to his office. So that was really nice of Fred to do that for us, he even refused to accept gas money.

Fred had his girlfriend and another chic sat in the front with him. The rest of us sorry ass drunks, Pastor Joe, Russian Andre, Wheelchair Jerrome and I sat outside on the bed of the truck! Boy it was freaken cold and we looked like fucken migrant farm workers huddled up and holding tight to that wheelchair so that Jerrome don't fly his crippled ass all over route 66 west.

The forty minutes trip felt like forty days, everyone that passed us on the road were laughing their asses off! Even couple of Virgina State Police couldn't stop laughing when they saw us at the toll both. Finally we got to Jerrome's place, threw his drunk ass on his bed and we took off. Fred was nice enough to drop us off in DuPont and he moved along in to PG county Maryland with his ladies to enjoy that weed he stashed at home.

Andre, Pastor and I, three fucking frozen losers with no women on a new years morning, walked to my apartment and crashed! But you know what? It is going to be a GREAT year, I am feeling it!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

Saturday, January 01, 2011

HAPPY NEW YEAR

May you get laid more this year everyone!

My new year's resolution this year is to write at least 100 posts. I am sorry that last year was a disaster, I didn't take the loss of my father very lightly, I was a mess and I was in no mode writing so I took on drinking instead!

"Mad you need some help man, I think you are becoming an alcoholic and you may be a danger to the riding public!"

Shut up man! I don't need help, I need more of that contraband high shelf liquor I have been getting from my man Ghost.

We welcome our new Mayor of the District of Columbia Mr Vincent Gray and sir please don't forget what you promised, a fare and reasonable pay  for DC cab drivers, and Mr Fenty, don't let that door hit your skinny ass you lying schmuck! I really regret that I knocked on doors for you in ward 7 and 8 when you ran for the office, the hoods that you and some of your cheerleaders scared to go.

Please don't forget the homeless like Mayor Fenty did,

Mad Cabbie