Monday, August 20, 2007


As a veteran cab driver whenever I have someone who is completely drunk and out of it in my cab I make sure I get the complete address from the passenger before I even move or there won't be a ride at all. I go as far as checking the address on the driver's license if I think they are going to pass out as soon as they enter the cab. That's what happened last night when this toasted dude in his 40's was escorted by couple of bartenders and thrown in my backseat in front of Washington harbor in Georgetown.

The guy was so fucked up he couldn't even put two sentences together but I managed to copy his address from his driver's license and started to head north towards Deerwood in Montgomery county Maryland. My man was knocked out in the backseat and when we arrived at his place after about thirty minutes ride there was no sign of life at all in fact he started snoring so I had to carry him over my shoulder and started banging on the door of this pricey house of his. There was light on couple of the rooms upstairs to suggest that his wife or kids were still up and few seconds later couple of dogs started to bark, lights came on and a fairly good looking middle aged blond opened the door and that's when all hell broke loose.

She was screaming "Take this idiot where you picked him up from! That drunk you have on your shoulder is my ex husband and he doesn't live here anymore! Go away before I call the cops!" and the fucken dogs won't stop barking and on top of that my legs were starting to get weak, the guy weighed at least 170lbs and a drunk 170lbs is much heavier than what you would think.

When the tone of his wife got angrier and louder I started to turn around and walk towards my car and that's when the dogs started chasing my ass and I started running with the motherfucker on my shoulder while dragging one of the dogs across the driveway who got of hold of my army boots with his teeth until he let go when I kicked him in the balls or something. I managed to throw the guy in the back of my cab and ran for the front seat and I got out of that neighborhood packing 90mph and that's when the jackass woke up confused and started to ask me if I was kidnapping him.

To make a long story short I managed to get his current address from him which was three minutes away and five blocks from the pick up point in Georgetown which was at 31st and O streets instead of the 52 mile round trip and an hour and half drama I went through. When he realized what happened he was apologetic and paid me the full fare of the trip without arguing after we stopped by an ATM machine and it turned out to be the most expensive and longest five block trip ever and I am not complaining at all besides this aching shoulder and hopefully I will be fine in a couple of days.

But why would he still use his ex wife's address on the driver's license?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.


Lugosi said...

I really, really, REALLY hate drunks. Well, unless they're really good looking chicks.....

Eryn said...

I wonder if they were divorced b/c of his drinking or if he was drinking b/c they were divorced?

Red said...

He still has the old address because in MD when you move they give you a little paper card with the new address.

I guess you would have to ask why he has a MD DL when he lives in DC. I hear DC DMV are pricks when it comes to that. Supposedly, the DMV is the only part of the DC Gov't that has their shit together and bring in the money.

Cabbie X said...

I do the same thing Mad, they give me the full address or we don't move. Sometimes can still bite you in the ass, or the boot. Oh, changed site addresses if you want to update.

Peggy said...

No wonder he divorced the bitch. She certainly didn't have any mercy on you. Sending the dogs out was horrible! I'm glad you got that heavy drinker home and got paid for it. I hope your shoulder is okay for next month!

Me said...

OMG Mad, that is a great telling. Beats quite a few stories I have. Effin' hilarious.

Anonymous said...

That's wild Mad! you might want to visit those 24 hrs massage joints in Chinatown to heal your shoulders before your big trip kid!

Yellow 47

Jamy said...

Why did he have his old address on the license? The same reason I had my old address on mine for two years--it hadn't expired yet!

Glad you weren't seriously hurt. Thanks for the great story.

june in florida said...

Being 5'2inches tall no one got put in my cab in that condition unless the bouncer was coming along to remove him on the other end,also of course cash up front.Great you got paid and he seemed ok in the end.

pastor joe said...

Zebra, you are a fucken idiot to drive the bastard to the address on his driver's license! What if he had a California driver's license? I guess you would have driven him 3000 miles west you retard! and don't forget about Friday bitch!

jeepgirl said...

That is funny as shit!!! Glad you got your $$$$ out of him though!

Arjewtino said...

Great story. This was my favorite line:

"...that's when the jackass woke up confused and started to ask me if I was kidnapping him."

Claire said...

Mad, sorry 'bout your sore shoulder. You tell a very funny story, I can picture it, I'm right there with you. What gets me is that you never dropped the drunk. You could've dropped his ass at the doorstep, on the path of the dogs, at the bar, or in an alley. You're a good guy. BTW, alcoholism is a progressive disease and the drunk may soon be one of the homeless that you didn't forget.

Mad Cabbie said...

I agree Lug good looking chicks even look better throwing up on you!

Eryn, whatever the reason why they divorced, he is missing out on one hot piece of ass! in fact the whole time she was yelling at me I was staring at her boobs!

RED, next time I have guys wasted like him I am going to unload them in front of your door in Kensington! I bet they will sober up quick when they see those....

Cabbie X, good to hear from you bro! I thought you left the biz or something and I will update your link ASAP.

Thanks Peggy, as a matter of fact my shoulders feel fine now! but I think he put his ex through hell when they were together, that's why she couldn't stand him for even a second. On our way back to DC he even admitted that she is better off without him! At least he was honest about it.

Hey Me, another chick cabbie uh? That's hot, you know I have a thing for girls who drive cabs? That's why I got in the business only to find out the chicks who drive cab in DC look like guys! anyway I am glad you stopped by and stay away from the creeps!

Hey Yellow 47, I don't want those girls in Chinatown, I want that Romanian chick with six fingers to give me a massage! you know who I am talking about right?

Jamy, I can understand avoiding a painful trip to the DMV but don't let them catch you!

June, I know a tough cookie like you can take care of herself, you don't need a bouncer...I wish you were still driving.

Arjewtino, what's up man! Thanks for stopping by....The thing is I spent a good 10 minutes trying to convince him that I wasn't kidnapping him!

Jeep Girl! where have you been girl? I bet you have seen quite a few drunks in that ER room!

Claire, you are right that It's a good thing I didn't drop him, It could be a law suit...but all these years of weight lifting paid off finally!

Fuck you Pastor! Knowing you all these years you would have dumped him in some ally somewhere you jackass!

Anonymous said...

You really have the gift of storytelling! LOL

Anonymous said...

Yo mad I thought you were still in Ethiopia.

Any how even though you had to deal with that mean woman and those mean dogs at least you made some decent cash I bet.

Tedros said...

Mad, we are on the same flight and I hope I get to sit next to you.

I will see you at Dulles!

Allan said...

That's funny as hell. I always wonder what happens to the drunks that I see sitting hunched over on the sidewalk on M St.

916-444-7777 said...

"As a veteran cab driver whenever I have someone who is completely drunk and out of it in my cab I make sure I get the complete address from the passenger before I even move or there won't be a ride at all. I go as far as checking the address on the driver's license if I think they are going to pass out as soon as they enter the cab."

There it is.

I drove in Sacramento for around 10 years, all put together...of all the drugs, a serious quantity of alcohol is the one that puts people most out of it. Adding coke or speed can make it worse, but mostly it's about the drunk. I've had people in my cab who literally could not tell me their own name, much less their address. I consider too much firewater- say about .18% BAC and above- as about equal to Jimson weed. For anyone, including suits, cops, and judges.

All full-on/staggering drunks get the full Q&A before I let them in the door- name, coherent address, estimated fare cash up front, either from themselves, a friend, or someone working the bar. If they can't stand up unaided, I don't let them in, unless they have more sober friends who can tell me where they're going, and who pay me a premium price up front.

Common scenario, happened to me at least twenty times: I successfully run through the routine, let the drunk in, they pass out, wake up in the back seat a few minutes later, cursing at me and ranting that I'm going the wrong way, cheating them, etc.

Then I point out the passenger window, at the front door of their house.

They always say the same thing- "oh."

Only had two drunks toss the cookies in my cab in all those years, amazingly enough. But I've had a huge number of close calls. I was mostly saved by the informal practice in the city where I drove, of having passengers ride in the front seat- which allowed me to pull the cab to the curb and reach across to reach the passenger side door latch, before lowering the booze victim carefully out the door by their collar so they could purge.

But drunk people are also known to lose control of other bodily functions, usually quite abruptly and with no warning given. I'll spare readers the specific details, although almost every cab driver has a few of those stories that they are known to tell each other, on occasion.

Some nights, I practically felt like an EMT for drunks...hauling them up stairs, etc. I don't dump people on the curb if they can't take care of themselves- not unless they've been behaving irredeemably badly, anyway.

Oh yeah, it's surprising how many lady cab drivers are in fact quite good looking- and even more puzzling, lady cops...