Friday, December 14, 2007

TAXI UNIVERSITY

If I didn't run in to Pastor Joe six months in to my cab driving experience 16 years ago I would have quit the cab business for good and who knows what else could I have done in life. I always say that cab driving is not a rocket science by all means but to make a decent living as a cab driver requires skills and it could take up to five years of fucking up to achieve that craft.

The first six month was frustrating for me, when you attend the taxi school they don't teach you the business side of the coin. Here in DC they teach you the fucken zones and how to give the correct change back to the passenger and you graduate with flying colors and you don't even have to speak the English language either, I am not kidding. I used to do 12 hours of hard driving and take home pathetic $100 after expenses. When I met and told Pastor Joe that I was averaging that kind of bread, I think he threw up with disgust, and that's when he took me under his wings and got me enrolled in the "Pastor Joe's Advanced Studies for Urban Shady Hacking Techniques" Program.

When you're a cabbie at night you have to be very resourceful to your passengers with out crossing the thin lining of breaking any law, and that's where the art of hacking, my education under the master guru Pastor Joe and my experience comes in handy. A good cabbie can help you find any shit you couldn't locate on Google. I remember couple years ago some dude got in to may cab and asked me where he can find a very strong hashish called "The Flying Dutchman" and to make the long story short the last I heard that motherfucker is still stoned in his basement. You see requests like these could cost a hefty finder's fee, that mickey mouse DC zone fare shit is not going to cut it.

My dear readers by all means if you need anything at all, I mean ANYTHING, please don't hesitate to call uncle Mad. Did you find that trophy young chic and that old wife of yours is in the way? You want the old bag to disappear? I hear of some Latvian brothers do some great CSI proof work. Just let me know if you want it slow and painful or quick and painless.

The only thing I couldn't solve is the homeless crises in our city and it's getting cold out there people, so get involved and always please don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Mad that's some funny material bro!

Can you hook me up with those Latvian brothers? and I want it slow and painful!

Tom in Fairfax.

Kyt Dotson said...

It is worthwhile to know that taxi drivers aren't just transportation through the visible arteries of the city (the streets) they also represent a connexion to everywhere those arteries lead.

This means that taxi drivers are given broader access to all things, from knowing where the best of the black market is, to being able to turn a fare onto the most delicious bowl of clam chowder can be had.

Part chauffeur, part tour guide, part city's-dark-underbelly middleman -- all hack.

Reverend Jim said...

Amen, my DC hack brother! I piloted a cab here in Boston for three years. I've spent much time since explaining to all who will listen that if you need something - anything - ask a cabbie. A smart hack can and will do just about anything for money. Man, when we hosted the Democratic National Convention up here, I was rolling in Rupert Murdoch's dough, hooking up Fox News crews with after-hours booze, the best smoke Boston had to offer, and whatever else they needed. High-end clients were encouraged to call my cell, and anything could be delivered in 20 minutes or less. Hell, if you need to collect a debt, I can put you in touch with a guy who'll break fingers for a c-note per. Buy four fingers, get the thumb for free!

june in florida said...

Back in the day,one of our Hyannis drivers picked up a hail in Provincetown(not sposed to do that,and later wished he hadn't).The guy wanted to go to Boston, loaded some big garbage bags in the trunk and off they went. Got to the address in Boston and dropped him off, got fare, no problem.Read in the paper next day about this same passenger who had been arrested for murdering several people in Provincetown and disposing of their body parts in Boston,yep same guy and those garbage bags in the trunk....

Eryn said...

Uncle Mad,
I would like one overstuffed gyro from Zorba the Greek's with a side of baklava please. Christmas Eve delivery preferable. Much love.
Eryn

Xtreme English said...

too funny, Uncle Mad, and i'll remember to call if i can't find it myself....

peggy's mom

Mad Cabbie said...

I think the Latvian brothers got deported Mr Anonymous!

Kyt, I agree... Cabbies are the ambassadors for the city they live in!

Reverend Jim, I have to look you up when I am in Boston. I have an ex girlfriend who lives in Boston and I want it slow and painful!

June, that's some funny shit! I keep telling you need to start writing about your experiences and others and make me a fan!

Eryn, that's very easy! I pass by that joint probably 10 times a night...try something harder.

Peggy's mom, I don't think I can find something that you can't! Aren't you the notorious gang leader of "The Q street crew!" in Georgetown?

Peggy said...

Mad - Why can't you hook me up with some STORIES FROM YOUR TRIP TO ETHIOPIA. I think you will agree that I've been more than patient.

XX