IS JP'S GONE?

JP’s was one of the few stripper night clubs left in DC, and the joint burned down last week leaving “Good Guys” which is located across the street on Wisconsin avenue a nude bar with no competition in Georgetown. I had quite a few stripper friends at JP’s and of course I go there because I enjoy the great gourmet food they serve, I don‘t pay attention to the girls with hot nude bodies with their boobies hanging out .

JP’s reminds me of a regular customer I used to have in Cleveland Park. A bolding short stocky built white man in his early fifties wearing heavy duty ugly glasses. He has been divorced for the last twenty years and never remarried. He is an accountant type but never talked about his job and all I knew was he worked for the federal government. He inherited this big ass house from his parents on Macomb street and lived alone and I remember one time he was so drunk I had to drag him in to his house and it was barley furnished or cleaned, I think I saw a copy of the Washington Post from 1979 laying on the floor.

What really disturbing was after I drop him at the JP’s, sometimes he used to have me wait as few as five minutes and have me take him right back to his house which was five minutes away and he kept moaning in the back seat of my cab while rubbing his crotch until we got to his crib. I remember him telling me that the only way he gets aroused was by watching a live naked body, and I guess that maybe the reason why he rushed home so that he finishes his business before he loses the erection of his pipe.

I hate to see JP’s go and I hope they will rebuild and come back for more booby shows because they a part of our night cab business while they keep you horny guys out there entertained at night until you moan your ass home.

Please don’t forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

SISTER BLOG LAUNCHED.

To anyone who is interested to follow Tewdros's journey to fitness I have launched a sister blog called "SIX-PACK ABS IN PROGRESS"

Go check it out from time to time, you might learn a thing or two.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

RESUME IN PROGRESS

After reading my post titled "Don't March Out" an old Ethiopian friend of mine contacted me to help him out to get in shape. I haven't seen Tewdros in five years even though we live close to each other here in Columbia, Maryland.

Tewdros (Ethiopian version of Theodore) was an ex DC cabbie who got out of the business after he earned his electrical engineerings degree. Now he has been working for one of the major defense contractors for the last ten years and doing very well financially. So we hooked up over the weekend for drinks and caught up on what's going on in our lives. Everything is going well in his life with the exception of his physical appearance which makes hooking up with quality chicks very difficult. He is the nicest guy you can ever meet but the kind of ladies he is interested in wouldn't even look at him.

So we made a deal that I will be his personal trainer for the next year with the exchange that he will let me post the pictures of his progress every week without showing his face and the next day he joined my gym. So here is my friend Tewdros now:



This cat is going to be my bitch for the next year, I don't have any control on what he does outside the gym but he promised he will change his eating habits. We are going to start off very easy for the next few months and I will tell what we have done each week. His excuse for being out of shape is the same lame old story of the rest of you lazy ass fat motherfuckers come up with... "I don't have the time...My kids...My job...My DNA...My bla,bla,bla!" Listen, I hate sounding like a dick but there are 168 hours in a week and if you can't dedicate about 6 hours a week to live a healthy life style, then you deserve all the heart-attacks in the world. I know a girl in my gym who is a single mother of two and she is making all the sacrifices to show up three times a week. So I didn't buy any of Tewdros's excuses and I don't want to hear about it anymore.

Follow the pictures in this little project of mine on how I can help transform this ugly ass gut into a hard rock six pack ab by chopping off about 10 inches off his waist from 42" to 32" and drop his weight from 212 pounds to around 160 pounds by next year. Since I can't make a decent living anymore driving a cab in DC thanks to mayor Fenty, maybe this will be my resume in progress so you guys can hire me next year as your personal trainer so I can turn you in to a hot sexy chick or a fine strong hunk.

Tewdros I am looking forward to see you this Friday and get ready to cry like a bitch my brother.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

TAKE A PAY CUT AS WELL MR. MAYOR

First of all let me be clear that I was one of the troopers responsible for getting Mayor Fenty elected by going door to door in ward 7 and ward 8, since most of his supporters (in some cases even himself) were pussies to walk around those neighborhoods. And you all know that if you don't carry those wards you can't be a mayor in DC. I supported him because I have seen him speak about the homeless crisis in the city and I liked what he had to say and so far it's lip service but I will give him a chance.

The mayor reveled the new fare structure for taxicabs in DC yesterday and I have a problem with it. If you have been reading this blog for a while you know that I am a reasonable guy who always supported the meter system. During the 60-day request for comment period the city received about 2,100 comments and majority of those are dissatisfied of the proposed $4.00 base rate few months ago. I completely agree that the $4.00 base rate was too high even though Montgomery county cabs charge that much. So they reduced it by a $1.00 to $3.00 base rate, the problem is they didn't stop there, so they also eliminated the extra passenger surcharge. Now DC cabs are the only ones that don't have the surcharge for extra passengers in the metropolitan DC area and not with in area industry standard. More passengers means more consumption of gas, more tear and wear on the vehicle and more boring and painful conversations that passengers carry on amongst each other that the driver has to listen to. Let me give you a few examples how DC cabs got the short end of the stick comparing to area surrounding counties:


BASE FARE- Arlington Co.-$2.75 Fairfax Co.-$2.75 Montgomery Co.-$4.00 DC CABS-$3.00

PER-MILE- Arlington Co.-$1.80 Fairfax Co.-$1.80 Montgomery Co.-$1.60 DC CABS-$1.50

EXTRA PASSR-Arlington Co.-$1.00 Fairfax Co.-$1.00 Montgomery Co.-$1.00 DC CABS-None

TRAFFIC TIME Arlington Co.-$22.50/hr Fairfax Co.-$22.50/hr Montgomery Co.-$24.00/hr DC CABS-$15.00/hr

...and on top of that, please don't laugh, you can hire Mad cabbie and drag him all over DC and lets say from Chevey Chase during morning rush hour all the way to Bowling Air force Base which is about a 13 mile trip, according to the new fare structure I can not charge you over $18.90 no matter how long the trip takes and in this scenario it may take an hour or so. What is this? the old Soviet Union or a modern day slavery? Oh! I forgot, we are mostly foreigners and niggers driving cabs so it's okay! right Mr Mayor?

"I think this will meet the needs of the drivers and also the riding public," Fenty said after the announcement. MEET THE NEEDS OF THE DRIVERS???? are you out of your freaken mind Mr. Mayor? What planet are you living in? How could you say that after you slashed about 20% of a poor cab driver's income to satisfy the lobbyists on K street and the lawyers on Pennsylvania Avenue. You gave yourself and your peeps a pay raise (which you rejected when you were a councilman by the way and that's another story) and if I am not wrong you make about $200,000 so how about taking a $40,000 pay cut? that's exactly what you did for a group who supported you in the most part.

The out come of this would be long working hours for drivers and less maintained cabs that could put passenger safety at risk. I don't want to hear about more driver's strike, it doesn't work besides pissing off the riding public and the riding public is our friend not the enemy, and the mayor can make a single phone call to Bangladesh and import 6000 drivers while we are striking. The best way to approach this to have our own email campaign and find a way to communicate with the city to at least to bring back the extra passenger surcharge in to place.

Please don't forget the homeless and the way I see things there is going to be more homeless cab drivers.

Mad Cabbie.

P.S This post will be emailed to the mayor's office.

MAD'S HOOKER INDEX

I was reading the editorial page of the Washington Post yesterday and the one titled “To Blunt a Recession” got my attention. They have been talking about recession creeping up ever since Bill Clinton left office. Some of the warnings were politically motivated and some are just miscalculation and others were planted by wall street to stimulate trading volumes and suckers like me and you buy in to these phony artificially inflated or deflated numbers game. Unemployment, consumer confidence, trade deficit, inflation, the decline of the US dollar and bla bla bla…..

But this time it’s for real kids, because my own MHI gauge tells me the fundamentals of the US economy is so shaky it’s not even funny, I even heard of some lawyers doing part time gigs delivering pizza at night. You may ask what the fuck is the MHI gauge? You probably went to Wharton School of business and never heard of it! No sir, this sophisticated economic indicator they don’t teach you in school.

MHI stands for Mad’s Hooker Index: As a professional DC cab driver and an ex-mathematician I have created my own way of weighing in the country’s state of the economy by the frequency of rides I offer to my hooker clients and their customers. Things are so bad out there even the highly in demand lovely friend of mine the one legged hooker is not keeping me busy lately and on the other side of the coin, armed robberies are way up, you just don’t read about them unless somebody gets hurt. I am talking about robberies all over the city including Georgetown, Adams Morgan, Chevy Chase and Tenelytown.

They say sex always sells but there comes a point that some fine gentlemen stash away that extra hooker appointed cash for the coming rainy days and instead they are forced to downgrade their hooker level to $50 blow-jobs on L street or forced to make love to their wives or they go down the basement and jerk-off watching Angelica Houston movies.

Mad! What’s up with you and your fixation with Angelica Houston? Isn’t she like a hundred years old? You are fucken sick Mad!

Leave me alone dude! I am trying to talk about the economy stupid! and I also think Angelica Houston is smoking hot. I am in to old chicks now, You have a problem with that jackass?

The Editorial ends the article by stating that the Bush administration might find an excuse for another tax rebate and more tax cuts and the sad thing is economist like Martin Feldstein who I admire is suggesting the cuts as well if unemployment continues to rise for the next three months. Isn’t that like borrowing from Jack to pay Joe? In my world Jack will stab your ass if he doesn’t get paid back his money quick but in the fairy world of Washington future generations of tax payers are stuck with the bill even though the wealthy few benefit from it now.

Please don’t forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

OBAMA AND THE BLACK VOTE

I was surprised how well Senator Obama performed in Iowa and the overwhelming support that he is enjoying in New Hampshire. For some reason until the last minute I thought Hillary Clinton would win by good margin but the white folks in Iowa said give us Obama or else.

There is something I noticed during interaction with my African American passengers, before he won Iowa most of the comment I heard was "America is not ready for a black president!" or "I am not going to waste my vote on Obama because he can't possibly win the general election!" but the last couple of nights brothers are fired up and motivated to throw their support to senator Obama. If that's the case around all of America, the huge black support base that Bill Clinton built up in the 90's can disappear real quick for Hillary Clinton and without a chunk of the black vote it could be very difficult to win the Democrat party nomination.

If Obama wins New Hampshire this coming Tuesday the shit is going to hit the fan for Hillary and Company because some states are not going to get any easier. She may need to change her strategy big time, the "I am more experienced" chant is not working at all in fact it may have turned off some potential Hillary votes.

I leave you with something interesting that a twenty something black bouncer I had in my cab last night said when I asked him who he would vote for between Obama and Hillary:

"...I am tired of those niggers man! (referring to Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton) I am tired of hearing about that we are victims man...Didn't Bill Clinton looked the other way when 500,000 niggers got smoked in Rwanda while he was getting his dick sucked in the White House by what's her name? Fuck Bill Clinton and his wife man! I am voting for this nigger quick and I hope he wins!... and how much is my fare motherfucker?"

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

PLEASE DON'T MARCH OUT

That time of the year again at every gym in America, gyms full of new members and their new year's resolution to loose weight. Here at my gym we call them the "March Outs", they march in January and out in March and never to show up again making the gym operators rich by signing long time contracts. Even Hustle Man Charles signed his fat ass to a gym yesterday!

If I stop driving a cab today, I think I am capable of being a knowledgeable personal trainer tomorrow. I have been working out consistently for over twenty years and I thank my dad Mr Army-Man for guiding me on how to develop a work out routine and strong discipline. Over the years I experimented with all kind of workout tricks and techniques for maximum result without getting injured and helped a lot of people along the way. After my sister had her baby it took me less than a year to get her back in to her pre-pregnancy shape even though I made her cry like a baby doing so.

Listen, If you have to wait until new year to start getting your lazy ass in shape, you are doomed to fail. It's like making an appointment to learn how to breath the freaken free air for God's sakes! and please don't go out and run and sign up gym membership cause being in a gym doesn't mean jack unless you have the mind set and the strong will to dedicate lots of time around the gym equipments. To be honest with you, you really don't need a gym membership at first, what you need is to train yourself to adapt to a simple work out plan and a day by day eating habit.

Try the following first and you will be amazed by the results:

1-Throw your TV in the garbage

2-Don't buy in to the diet bullshit, just slowly reduce your portion to the smallest possible but never starve yourself and keep fried food and your sugar intake to a minimum. NEVER DEPRIVE YOURSELF OF SOMETHING YOU LIKE TO EAT! but don't go crazy and make it a habit.

3-Start with a 15 minutes of walk three to four times a week and try to raise it to 60 minutes with in the next six months to five to six times a week.

4-Stairs are your best friends, use them when ever you can.

5-Since your TV is in the garbage, get in to some activity that can help you burn some calories at the same time, like helping out at a homeless kitchen, volunteer at a hospital or old age home or walk around L street at night picking up some hookers, anything that make you work.

6-Don't waste your money on beverages just buy a filter for your tap water and enjoy. Bottled waters are for suckers.

7-Loose all of your lazy friends and associate yourself with people who want to change for the better like yourself.

8-After six month try to read up on some stretching techniques and start stretching without injuring your fat ass.

9-The last six month of the year go online and learn on how to do light exercises that you can do around the house with out using any equipment three times a week for thirty minutes on top of your waking routine.

10-Don't be a dumb-ass and set unreachable and discouraging goals like "I will drop 400 lbs by the end of the year!". Remember, if you are a person who never worked out before, the first year should be always about tricking your brain to adapt, I don't care what every personal trainer try to bullshit you or the so called experts try tell you while pushing their products that never work at the same time.

If you are a 200lb woman who managed to execute the above and dropped 12 pounds by the end of the year, that would be a great success. It means that you taught yourself sticking to a plan without spending a dime and lost about a pound a month on the way. That also means you will be ready to join a gym next year and start doing the hard stuff and I guarantee you will have a 99% chance that you will reach your goal without giving up because you already trained yourself not to fail.

Did I say Happy New Year?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

BRAVE WOMAN GONE

My friend Ali Two Fingers who is from Pakistan called me early this morning crying like a baby after learning that Pakistani opposition leader and former premier Benazir Bhutto was assassinated by some radical motherfuckers who want to rewind the earth's clock by 1000 years.

Sometimes I really hope for a huge ass asteroid to collide with this shit-hole planet of ours and wipe out man kind instantly, as temporary tenants we don't deserve to occupy this Earth because we are SELFISH.

That would be my wish for 2008 but in the mean time please don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.

HELP US OUT SANTA

For the die hard Washington Redskins fan like myself, even though the law of mathematics say something else we would like to believe that our beloved football team will make a run for the #6 spot as a wild card in the National Football Conference. Here is what needs to happen besides the planet Earth, Mars, Saturn and Jupiter perfectly aligned in parallel orbiting the sun.

Case 1
Redskins beat the Vikings, and
Redskins beat the Cowboys, and
Eagles beat the Saints

Case 2
Redskins beat the Vikings, and
Redskins beat the Cowboys, and
Bears beat the Saints

Case 3
Redskins beat the Vikings, and
Redskins beat the Cowboys, and
Bills beat the Giants, and
Patriots beat the Giants

Case 4
Redskins beat the Vikings, and
Cowboys beat the Panthers, and
Eagles beat the Saints, and
Bears beat the Saints, and
Broncos beat the Vikings

Is it possible? Of course it is possible! There is a possibility that I may win the Mega Million Lottery as well and according to my calculations there is an 8.813% that the Redskins might advance in to the post season. I think my friend Lugosi has a better chance pulling a threesome with two hot chicks in his taxicab tonight. But I have been a Redskins fan ever since I was 5 years old and when you're a die hard fan the realist in you disappears and you keep believing.

GO SKINS!!!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad "the dreamer" Cabbie.

HUGH MASEKELA

I know some of you out there listen to music of accomplished legendary artist like Britteny Spears but when you get a chance please check out my man Hugh Masekela from South Africa. I was lucky enough to be at his concert in London years ago and it was out of this world.

His CD can be a great gift to someone who digs real Jazz/African-tunes/World music. Every time I play his album in my cab people want to know who he is and tips fly my way. I think I am going to post and talk about some of the music I like from time to time and next time I will have some Norwegian folk songs for you.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

GREEN CARD IN THREE HOURS

Few years ago, few minutes after midnight I picked up this Latino dude from the Greyhound bus station in North East. With a broken heavy accent English he asked if I know where some Spanish dudes who sold fake green cards (a permanent resident ID card) People ask me for all kind shit but a fake green card was the first and I didn't know what to tell him. I really didn't want to get involved because I am scared to go to prison, but at the same time me being the predator of the streets I want to make some cash as well. So I called Pastor Joe:

MC: Hello Pastor, what's up?
PJ: What the fuck you want Zebra? I am trying to get laid!
MC: I thought you're out hustling Pastor?
PJ: Make it quick motherfucker, what is it?
MC: You know where I can get a Green Card?
PJ: I thought you're an American citizen?
MC: Not for me asshole, I have some dude in the back seat.
PJ: You call yourself a cabbie and don't know where to get a fucken green card?
MC: Stop bitching bitch and tell me were to go!
PJ: Drive him to Ontario and Columbia and when you get to...

I took my new Latino friend to Adams Morgan around Ontario and Columbia frequented by some young Colombian dudes roaming the streets all night long. I gave him my number so he can call me as soon as his green card gets approved and issued by the street thugs and I could give him a ride back to the bus station. My determined passenger had no fear at all, after I dropped him off he quickly disappeared in to the dark ally.

Over an hour passed and I didn't hear from him, I thought he was dead or something so I moved on and stopped by some joint to get an ice cream. Almost three hours later my phone rang and sure enough it was my man with a happy tone in his voice asking me if I can pick him up and drive him back to the station.

He showed me his new green card on our way to the Greyhound. I don't know man, it looked real and perfect to me, with his picture and everything. Next time I see my blogger friend Lizzie I will ask her to show me hers to see how a real green card looks like and compare!

Excuse me Mad! you fucken idiot, Lizzie is an American who was born and raised in Orange county, California! You are a typical ignorant jackass who thinks every Latin person in America is an immigrant.

Alright! alright! everyone calm down please, I didn't know that! To be honest with you Lizzie is whiter than the queen of England, I need to look in to her claim of being a Latina.

Finally I dropped my Norfolk bound happy Latino friend at the station and we said our good byes. I hope he is doing well now and got his shit straight. But later on I hear that hot spot in Adams Morgan used to be a well known shady corner visited by undocumented Latinos, Indians and Pastor's Russian girlfriends until the operation was busted by INS few years back.

Please no emails about how to get phony green cards, I don't want the SWAT team from ICE all over me and water-board my sorry ass in Guantanamo Bay.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

TAXI UNIVERSITY

If I didn't run in to Pastor Joe six months in to my cab driving experience 16 years ago I would have quit the cab business for good and who knows what else could I have done in life. I always say that cab driving is not a rocket science by all means but to make a decent living as a cab driver requires skills and it could take up to five years of fucking up to achieve that craft.

The first six month was frustrating for me, when you attend the taxi school they don't teach you the business side of the coin. Here in DC they teach you the fucken zones and how to give the correct change back to the passenger and you graduate with flying colors and you don't even have to speak the English language either, I am not kidding. I used to do 12 hours of hard driving and take home pathetic $100 after expenses. When I met and told Pastor Joe that I was averaging that kind of bread, I think he threw up with disgust, and that's when he took me under his wings and got me enrolled in the "Pastor Joe's Advanced Studies for Urban Shady Hacking Techniques" Program.

When you're a cabbie at night you have to be very resourceful to your passengers with out crossing the thin lining of breaking any law, and that's where the art of hacking, my education under the master guru Pastor Joe and my experience comes in handy. A good cabbie can help you find any shit you couldn't locate on Google. I remember couple years ago some dude got in to may cab and asked me where he can find a very strong hashish called "The Flying Dutchman" and to make the long story short the last I heard that motherfucker is still stoned in his basement. You see requests like these could cost a hefty finder's fee, that mickey mouse DC zone fare shit is not going to cut it.

My dear readers by all means if you need anything at all, I mean ANYTHING, please don't hesitate to call uncle Mad. Did you find that trophy young chic and that old wife of yours is in the way? You want the old bag to disappear? I hear of some Latvian brothers do some great CSI proof work. Just let me know if you want it slow and painful or quick and painless.

The only thing I couldn't solve is the homeless crises in our city and it's getting cold out there people, so get involved and always please don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie

GOOD NEWS BAD NEWS

The good news is I had a $500 night last night. All kind of Christmas parties and people were moving around and getting shit faced in front of their bosses so it was a non stop cash printing session for cabbies.

The bad news is I opened up some financial news paper this morning and learned that the US dollar is still going down the toilet at a light speed, so that cash I made last night was worth like 10 Euros or some shit like that. I think I am going have to demand my passengers to pay me in Indian Rupees tonight!

I am heading to work now boys and girls and please don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.

MEET MY NEW FRIEND

"...Feel free to tell your buddies about JP, especially if they are of the female persuasion. Johnny spent a lot of time staring at pastel covered cinder-blocks and could use a little girlie interaction. 99% of the broads I hit up on Craiglist’s personal ads end up being twill-chompers aiming to impale my brown-eye. Nothing against the fruits, I just ain’t looking to relive the glory nights of non-consensual institutional coupling with 315 lb. sweaty broke-back uncut bears. Besides, I am still going through a new set of undies every week due to my inconvenient crimson drawer blotting. Enough of that shit - I know I ain’t gonna land no honeys galavanting down that memory lane."

That was an entry from one of the posts by my new fan Johnny Peepers who linked up this blog to his new master piece. Mad Cabbie attracts people from all walks of life and I also became an instant fan of yours Johnny! I think he has lots of shit to say and I have linked up his blog as well.

Any single chicks out there? Uncle Mad will hook you up!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

SENATOR RICHARD SHELBY

Lot of people ask me if I had someone famous in my cab but DC is not Los angles or New York where people's favorite celebrities roam around the streets. Washington is a political town so our celebrities are usually congressmen, media guys and high profile lawyers you know shit like that. When I used to work late, late meaning until 9am I used to pick up senators and and representatives and most of them nobody even know if they walk down the street. Unless a senator is on the media spotlight caught in a men's bathroom trying to do the nasty you wouldn't differentiate between a senator from Idaho and a used car salesman.

But I can tell you who the most polite law maker I had in my cab, drum roll please: That would be the gentleman from the great state of Alabama Richard Shelby! Yes this dude was always nice to me and next time he's up for re-election I think I am moving to Alabama just to vote for him. I used to pick him up in Georgetown and drive him to the Russell Senate Building and we carried on with great political conversation, even though I don't like his republican party I still enjoyed the 15 minutes ride and on top of that he over tipped the shit out of me.

Washington is a city of full of shit where everyone thinks that he or she is more important than God, even the young interns who work for free in Capitol Hill think that they are power brokers and try to flex their muscles when they run in to a cabbie like myself but they don't impress me so I normally ignore them and play the Best of Abdul from my usual Pakistani latest hits. The senator really didn't have to give me attention at all but he always did and I don't think the man is full of it like most others, at least that's what I think of him and for a guy in his seventies he is in an excellent shape.

But I am impressed by young Americans like this chick aka Petunia in Paradise who is in Southern Sudan doing some meaningful shit and people like her gets my attention and I won't torture them by playing one of my collections of Pakistani hits when they get into my cab.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie

CHEVY CHASE POLICE

I think the most useless and good money wasted for institution on this planet has to be the Chevy Chase Police Department in Montgomery county Maryland. The police department covers about a whopping two square mile of real estate which half of it is the Chevy Chase country Club. I understand that the average cost of a house is well over a million dollars mostly occupied by middle aged rich farts. Trust me there is no drive by shootings in this neighborhood, the cops spend most of their time staring at their radar guns and scratching their fat asses on Connecticut Avenue between East-West Highway and the Chevy Chase Circle by the DC line and harass daily commuters especially DC cabs.

You see, DC cabs are easy targets for cops these days especially after 9-11, because of the intense background check and shit we go through they know that we are not a danger to their safety when they pull us over. Back in the days cabbies used to have an impressive criminal resume, I could bitch slap my passenger in the morning and go to the DC Taxicab Commission the same afternoon and get my taxi license renewed and get a free lolly-pop on my way out with no problem, and that was the good old days. These days they even count the skid marks in my pants before they give me my Taxi-ID! So cabbies are no threat to cops and everyone knows it except this Chevy Chase cop who needed to have two more cruisers to attend my ass.

I got pulled over on Connecticut avenue near Bradley Blvd by a Chevy Chase police cruiser around five this morning while I was driving back home. It was still dark and I was tired and eager to hit the sack but luck wasn't on my side. After I handed my driver's license to a very short police officer I made a quick phone call to my friend Officer L who is a DC cop and was also on duty at the time.

MC: I got pulled over on Connecticut avenue
OL: By one of our guys?
MC: No, on the Maryland side
OL: Why would they pull you over? I know you don't speed, you drive like my grandfather! Do you have a passenger?
MC: No I don't, I was heading home.
OL: Those motherfuckers are like mall guards! so give them some respect and make them feel good, you probably have a blown headlight or something. Just chill! Call me if they lock your ass up, I have to go now!

The next thing I know there were three cruisers behind me and the midget came back to ask me if I am the owner of the cab. Even though the name on my registration and my license was a match the idiot still wanted to know if I was the owner! politely I said yes and gave him my insurance information. After a good fifteen minutes the motherfucker came back with a warning ticket for a stupid non operating rear tag lights (My tag plate has two bulbs and only one wasn't working! what a joke!) and I was on my way.

I don't understand why Montgomery County Police Department which is a fine real police department can't handle Chevy Chase instead of wasting extra money on those idiots? Can some one tell me why and how these neighborhood Rent-a-Cop operation works?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

DEPORTED TWICE

When I pulled over at the corner of 21st and P streets to pick up this chubby Latino dude, I started to ask myself "Where do I know him?" because his face looked very familiar. One of the skills I acquired over the years is to study a person's face with in a very short period of time and recall that moment if I ever see that person again. But I struggled with this fella, I couldn't pin point where or how we met before but as soon as he sat down and asked me "Where are you from my friend?" with a thick Hispanic accent I knew exactly who he was.

The last time I gave him a ride was six years ago but he has been in my cab quite a few times before that, every time he gets in my cab the first thing he says is "Where are you from my friend?" and then talks about his family's little farm in El Salvador, I heard the same story about ten times but I always listen to him attentively. On the way to Irving street in Columbia Heights I asked why I haven't seen him in long time and he told me that he had been deported from the U.S couple of times since then but managed to sneak back across the boarder again.

I admire people like him, even though he is breaking the law he is dedicated to work hard and better himself by risking his life crossing those boarders and more power to him until ICE gets a hold of him again. Americans just hate to admit it but this country needs people like him to keep this country going because we live in a lazy ass society where working hard is considered being ignorant lately.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

SPEACIAL THANKSGIVING

People who keep and maintain their cars with high mileages for lots of years tend to have long lasting marriages! I heard that sometime ago and it's true in my parent's case. My dad bought his Mercedes in 1990 and the car has almost 400,000 miles and he still does the 3000 mile oil changes like a clock work and the same thing with my mother even though she doesn't do a lot of driving lately.

My parents got married exactly fifty years ago and they had a great marriage and raised five kids and sent everyone of us to college.

"Hey Mad! I think your education at the University of Maryland paid off so well you belong to one of the elite group of DC cab drivers you idiot! I feel so sorry for your parents"

Fuck you! you jackass! Both of my parents are proud of me regardless, stop putting me down because I offer great transportation services to the fine hookers of the District of Columbia. I consider myself as a successful individual and don't forget I was the "DRIVER OF THE MONTH" for the month of June in 1996! How do you like me now motherfucker?

Enough about my success! It was a very special Thanksgiving and tonight we are celebrating my parents 50th weeding anniversary at a local hotel and all of my siblings and close relatives are in town for this special occasion. I am so proud of my parents for having a successful life together especially for beating the odds as an interracial couple during the 60's and 70's. Congratulations mom and dad!

I wonder if my mother is going to give my dad any action tonight after the party? Let me visualize that thought for a second...

Please don't forget the homeless while I go to the bathroom and throw up.

Mad Cabbie.

EARLY MORNING FIGHT

I was trying to drop off two stripper roommates on Harrison street in Friendship Heights around four this morning but couple of blocks away from their house we were blocked by a couple of yellow cabs. The cab drivers were out throwing punches at each other, I think one of the dudes was bleeding but fighting fiercely. Normally I would go out there bitch slap them and break the fight but I am not strong enough yet to do that kind of shit and get my ass kicked so I let my stripper girls take a couple of digital shots of the idiots fighting and then I backed up, drove around the block and dropped them off.

That's one reason why you should not call Yellow Cab of Washington DC, unless you want some motherfuckers beating each other to death in front of your door because one of the morons was trying to steal the fare from the other jackass. Please call us here at Diamond Cab 202-387-6200! We offer comfortable rides, knowledgeable drivers of hooker hot spots, our brakes work about 68% of the time which is a DC record for cabs and for your personal entertainment, besides giving you a foot massage we play the latest Pakistani hits.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

HUSTLEMAN CHARLES

My man “Hustle Man Charles” is back again driving a cab. I was so delightful to see him last night because my night entourages are running thin since pastor Joe and Ali two fingers left the cab business and the death of Wall Street Tom.

Charles is a brother from Nigeria and every sixth month he walks away from cab driving to do something better but his ass always comes right back to the driver’s seat of a taxicab. The thing I like about Charles is, he goes out there and hustle and keep trying and he is not like most cab drivers like the rest of us who keep planning of something better and think that the cab driving gig is temporary business, and the next you know? You are celebrating your 50th year in the business and a few days later they drag your body out of the taxicab at the Union Station line after you passed away of old age. I don’t think Charles would end up like that because every chance he gets he goes out there and gives it his best shot and one of these days his master plan is going to work.

Charles is a real hustler, he can sell you a smelly old sneaker and you’ll go home happy with the garbage he just bought. He got skills but the ingredient he lacked was patience and maturity. I talked to him for a few minutes and I saw a different Charles this time who is calm and focused but still funny, I think his new IRS chick got something to do with his transformation. He talked about her a lot, he might have gotten pussy whipped or something. Hey Charles, you better pay up your taxes on time motherfucker! Those IRS agents don’t fucken play, you might end up locked in her basement doing her laundries for life.

I remember back in the days he was trying to get me to invest $5000 in some kind of shit I really didn’t understand so I ended up investing only five shares for five bucks just to get him off my back and the start up company failed and Charles was hiding from the neighborhood loan sharks, no nonsense brothers from Benning Heights who staked out his apartment every night with loaded guns. He had to come back and start driving his cab again wearing a fake mustache and a Rasta hat working twenty three hours a day sleeping at shady ass motels where they charged you by the hour and the cockroaches know you by name. Finally he paid off his debt and returned to his apartment without looking over his shoulders.

Welcome back Hustle Man but I am still waiting for my return on my $5 IPO investment you jackass, your shit better work this time otherwise I still have those trigger happy brothers from Benning Heights on my speed-dial.

Please don’t forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.