PASTOR JOE

Pastor Joe is one of my first cabbie friends who showed me the ropes of the hacking world. The first day I started hacking I was so scared, when my first ever passenger sat in the back seat I thought I saw a ghost. When I got my drivers license for the first time my dad advised me not to pick up people I don't know off the street, but I started to pick up strangers for a living, so every person I used to pick up made me nervous for the first six month until I met the pastor. I will never forget what he said to me when I told him how scared I was giving rides to strangers, "Listen you dumb ass rookie, it is the other way around, passengers are supposed to be scared of your stupid ass, in their eyes you are a low life ex convict, driving around and looking for the next petty crime, so you should be proud of that and act like one!" I felt so good when I heard that. I, Mad Cabbie a petty criminal? What a cool job!

Pastor Joe is an ex marine who used to be an air traffic controller before he got mass canned by Ronald Reagan in the early eighties and also got kicked out by his wife the same year. He had an impressive resume after that, used car auctioneer, used car salesman, bike messenger, Wendy's manager, door to door sales and a few pyramid sales scams. He got the name "pastor" because of his wealth of knowledge about the Bible and also never goes anywhere without the holy book including his frequent visits to the nude bars.

The pastor is one of the most talented cabbies in town in my book. He knows his shit, he can make more money in few hours than most drivers hacking a full shift. Cab driving sounds like an easy job, just cruise the streets and pick up hitch hikers, but its not that easy, its not a rocket science but it requires talent and you can't learn it in a classroom, it takes years and years of driving and fucking up to get your shit straight. Pastor is a kind of cabbie that can take you anywhere and get you anything you want. You need a one legged hooker? Call the pastor, you need to know a place where to get some hash which can get you stoned the whole summer? Call the pastor, you need a recommendation in who to call to get your hubby knocked off? Call the pastor, you also wanna get rid of the body? Call the holy man!

Oh I forgot, he is also the person I go to for some spiritual guidance, and I am happy to say I will start my vacation this coming Friday for a couple of weeks and we are taking a trip together with the pastor and there is not going to be one dull moment.

Mad Cabbie.

REAL EXCITING DRAMA

I spend a good amount of time online when I am not working. I do a lot of research, I pick and choose the news I want to read, you know crap like that.

"Yeah right Professor Mad, how is your research going on those porn sites?"

No don't listen to that freak, Its been at least 3 years since I have been to one of those Chickswith55trippleD.com porn sites. I have seen everything, what else is there to see? I will leave that to my friend Lugosi, he's in to that.

But for the last couple of weeks Mad Cabbie is in to something he wasn't in to at all in the past. "Talking to a chick online!". I always thought you really have to be a fucken loser to try to find a date online, no offense to anyone out there in the online dating wonderland, I am just being honest and my thoughts don't mean shit. People forgot that there used to be ordinary social communication before the world wide web started pimping. My Dad got his ass kicked by the neighborhood racist kids as a young soldier in Germany trying to date my mother, but that didn't stop him to keep trying and trying till he got what he wanted.

So I always thought that people are lazy and not trying hard enough to find their mates or real insecure about themselves that they have to hide their face behind the monitor to strike a conversation. I am no Romeo by all means but when I go out, I use a simple mathematical principle, the law of probability! You strike a cool conversation with twenty different chicks you go home with a couple of numbers or more.

"Where do you meet your chicks Mad? At a fucken crackhouse? No normal chick will give her number to your scary ass! fuck you and your math theory Mad Cabbie"

Don't worry about that guy he's just jealous of my technique. Having said all this, now I understand that the web is just another tool for meeting interesting people, How so? Because I stumbled in to this cool girl online and we started exchanging emails. We started to learn more about each other and you know what else? She is as funny as shit, to me funny girls are a real turn on, there is nothing like a girl who can put a smile on your face.

"Mad! You just received a couple emails, and now you're telling us you're in love? Its probably some fat dude in Montana scratching his balls and laughing his ass off by your responses!"

I am pretty sure its a chick and I do have an idea what she looks like (I told her I am tall dark and handsome:). My friend Sara, who is an expert in online flirting told me to keep the emails flowing don't jump in to something else, open yourself like a book and keep the suspense alive, I am open to any suggestion, anyone?

Mad Cabbie.

WHAT HAPPENED CAROL?

If you are a DC cab driver who lives outside the city in Virginia or Maryland like myself, when your cab is out of commission, you are out of luck, you are pretty much fired on the spot. The law they have been enforcing since march will not allow you to register another cab just because you are not a Washington DC resident. In another word you are FUCKED!

The retards at the DMV are having a hard time understanding that a DC Taxi Cab is a bushiness owned by the driver operated in Washington DC. There is no logical reason on why the DMV denies a legal driver with a legitimate DC hack license a registration card and tags.

"Schwartz said her staff is researching how other jurisdictions handle the issue, and a resolution is expected this fall."

I don't know what happened to you Carol Schwartz, you used to be the champion of cab drivers. What is there to research? We met and chatted in a couple of occasions when you stopped by the kitchen I used to volunteer, infact you commented that you liked my freaky hair. " Get to the fucken point Mad! You think your readers will be impressed that you shmoozed with the council woman?" You are bright and a very reasonable person. Carol, you have the power to get it done, and lets do the right thing, Why would you cut the city's revenue it would have generated from the potential 7000 drivers who will be denied from registering their cabs in the city in the coming years. If you have to charge extra for a special plates, do so.

My cab is about 10 years old with high miles, even though it is in a great condition now, there is going to be a time its going to quit, so in that case I will be forced to rent from a cab company and be a slave, if I want to stay in the cab bushiness. That will be the day Mad Cabbie walks into the sunset, away from hacking and maybe then I will be in line outside the kitchen with an empty plate, instead of volunteering inside.

MAD CABBIE? FOOT BOY?

It was supposed to be a quite Sunday night, a night off with no drama, but I ended up changing a tire in south east DC and some chicks foot shoved in to my mouth in Bethesda.

I promised my 10 year old niece that I will watch the Ms Universe contest with her at my sisters house and we did, I had a great time with her. By the way I was pulling for the Ethiopian chick but she didn't make it to the top ten, I was bummed out, you guys know I have a thing for Ethiopian girls. I don't know man she was a little stiff, may be that's why.... "Jesus! Mad, enough with the Ms Universe shit already! What do you know about the cat walk? Get to the fucken story!"

I got home around midnight and as soon as I changed and start relaxing the home phone rings, I looked at the ID it was pastor Joe, he never calls me home and I was concerned.

ME: Pastor! Are you okay?
PJ: I'm okay zebra, my cab has flat tire, I need help!( he calls me zebra to point out I am a product of a black and white parents)
ME: What the fuck Pastor, you think I am AAA or something!
PJ: I got a flat at the worst place Zebra! I am around Alabama and Good Hope road in south east and some crazy ass nigger is going to smoke my white ass. Come on Zebra, this is the wrong place for a white cab driver to have a flat, I can't change the fucken tire out here by myself 12:30 in the morning! Get your ass out here man!!!

Now I am worried, it wasn't a safe place to be alone for anyone.

ME: Did you try to call two fingers? He's got to be working!
PJ: That motherfucker works 365 days a year, the night I need him, he takes the fucking night off! Come on Zebra, stop bullshitting get your nigger ass down here quick! And don't forget the favor I did for you!
ME: What favor?
PJ: You remember in 1996, those pimps where chasing you and.....
ME: Alright! Alright! Pastor, you don't need to go there, stay in the car I am on my way.

I drove my cab to the location, I found Pastor Joe shitting in his pants, hiding in his cab with doors locked. I laughed my ass off when I saw his red face. We changed the tire without an incident. While we fucked around in south east not a single DC police cruiser passed us by, they were all out fighting crime in Georgetown and Adams Morgan, checking out chicks with short skirts.

Pastor Joe insisted on buying me a coffee and we stopped by THE DINER in Adams Morgan, it was pretty busy for a Sunday night, we talked shit for about an hour and we split. I wanted to go home bad, I was tired, and as soon as I pulled off from the curb three hot chicks flagged me down, I told them as long as there going north I can take them and they wanted to go to Tuckerman street in Bethesda, and it worked out well for all of us.

They were three Jewish princesses from New Jersey with a little buzz, couple of them visiting their friend who lives in Bethesda, who was sitting in the front seat next to me, her feet on my dashboard. She had pretty feet with long toes and I noticed a toe ring on her pinky toe which was very sexy, I think toe rings are cool but I have never seen a toe ring on a pinky toe before, so I commented that the toe ring looks cool on the pinky. As soon as I said that, they laughed and screamed and started chanting "Foot Boy! Foot Boy! Foot Boy!" Kelly, the girl with the pretty feet insisted that I have a foot fetish and said, she drives men crazy all day long. She didn't believe me when I told her I really didn't know there was such a thing as "foot fetish" until a few month ago. That didn't stop Kelly to give me a face massage with her feet while I was driving north on Wisconsin avenue, I didn't know where those feet have been but for some reason it felt good and I didn't mind in fact I noticed a sudden movement in my pants. Thanks Kelly!

I had no choice but to break my rule again, I gave my blog address to Kelly to prove to her that I learned about foot fetish life style not too long ago. So Kelly please read THE RUSSIAN FOOT WORSHIPER, pretty feet is all nice and good but I was more concentrating on your chest Kelly!

Mad Cabbie.

CABBIES AND DATE

"Do you really date women that would refuse to go out in the cab?"

That was a comment from a friend of mine when I told her the main reason I have another personal car beside my cab is for dates. I think getting laid would be very difficult if I show up on a date driving my cab, the chances are there won't be a second date. I am being honest guys, like I said before, cabbies don't get any respect. I am not saying all girls are like that but the majority are.

So this is a question for the cabbies out there, what is your experience picking up a chick with your ugly ass cab? ( I am talking about girls you meet on the outside when you're not driving your cab, Not the horny passengers you bang in the back seat!) Lugosi, I am expecting a story from you bro, I have a funny one involving a valet parking and a date who disappeared for a future post.

Mad Cabbie.

WRONG PERSON DUDE

It was an uneventful busy night last night, but I saw some funny shit when I was driving home this morning. Around 7:30 I was at a red light on Connecticut avenue and east west highway, the car in front of me, a Latino male driving BMW 3 series and another car next to him, a black crown Victoria driven by a middle aged white woman were doing some yelling and finger pointing, I don't know what happened before that but the guy was pissed, he came out of his car and started screaming at her standing next to her side of the door. The next thing I know, the woman who was wearing a black suit stepped out of the car with a gun drawn pointing at the guys face, I saw a badge around her belt, I think she may be a secret service officer and Mario was shitting in his pants with both of his hands high up in the air. He just fucked with the wrong woman this morning!

Mad Cabbie.

NO RESPECT

Dog days of summer is finally here, the cab industry mostly depend on business travelers, that's where the bread and butter is, but everyone is on vacation. Last night was a shitty night, none of my hookers, pimps, pushers and drug addict clients were calling. If it wasn't for this one big job I had from the four seasons hotel, I don't know if I had broke $100. But a little luck was on my side.

They were a couple of husband and wife team from Texas, the husbands were wearing those funny "nigger hating cowboy hats"in that steaming Washington heat last night. They wanted a tour of the city and we drove around for about an hour and a half. During my years of hacking I read all kind of shit about Washington DC I can get my hand on to be informative, I can tell you all kind of stupid stuff about this city your head will spin. When I dropped them off at the hotel, I charged them $60 but they were so impressed by my knowledge, they paid $100. " Don't waste your time doing this garbage kid, you could do better than this, good luck!" that's what the gentleman said after he handed me the $100 note. You know Cab driving is the Rodney Dangerfield of careers, you get no respect.

I tried to hustle a little bit, nothing interesting! It was so slow, the dispatcher Phil at Diamond was reading the post and doing some crazy ass commentary. I called my Pakistani fellow driver Ali two fingers to see what he's up to, to my surprise him, Pastor Joe(always carries his bible wherever he goes including nude bars), Wall Street Tom(Finance graduate SEC revoked his series 7 and banned him from trading years ago, those Nigerian cons fucked him up!) and Girma(ex Ethiopian Airlines pilot) all the usual suspect of my cabbie friends gave up the streets and started playing poker at Girma's house in Reston. They screamed that I should come but I wasn't in a mode to drive all way to Reston, Virginia and drive back home in Maryland and also I didn't wanna take a risk of losing the lousy $160 I just made to those fucken losers.

I belong to this 24hr gym in my neighborhood (Lifetime fitness) I worked out for a while. It was peaceful but no asses to check out, oh wait a minute! There was one but it was bigger than Rhode Island. I got home around 2am took a quick cold shower, played around online till about 3 and went to bed. While I was trying to sleep I was thinking about that guys comment, "Don't waste your time doing this garbage kid, you could do better than this, good luck!" Why would he say a shit like that after I gave them a tour of a life time, not the bullshit they tell you on those tourmobiles like "so and so live here! This is the VP's residence! This is the embassy of jackass Island!" garbage, I even showed them the route the British took when they burned the White House. They asked me for a tour and I did it well, what's wrong with being an excellent cabbie? Why would he say I am wasting my time? I should have bitch slapped him with that ugly ass cowboy hat of his, or am I being too sensitive?

Mad Cabbie.

UGLY GUYS NEED LOVE TOO

He was a short white dude in his forties with a bad mustache and a beer belly hanging out. He sat in my cab and said " Can you wait for a second? My wife is coming out! Women! They get on my nerves it takes them forever to get out of the house..."

When his wife came out to the cab my jaws dropped to the floor! Tall thin blond, very,very, very attractive hottie in her twenties. She could be on the cover of Cosmopolitan on any given day and she had to be at least three inches taller than he was. My first question to myself was "how did this fatso managed to grab a chick like this?" I thought:
A- He has a shit load of cash.
B- Being in Washington, he is a man of power.
C- He is packing a fat snake in his pants.
D- He's got to be the most charismatic and funniest dude on this planet.

But guess what? Its none of the above, as soon as she opened her mouth to talk, I figured it all out. "I em zorry fer z wait" she said, apologizing for the delay with heavy, thick Russian accent. I am most certainly sure that he got her from russianchicksforuglyguys.com or some mail order bride joint. That's the only way that an overweight little freak can get away with a tall blond chick like that. And this jack ass was giving me that look, you know the "See what I got, asshole!" look. You wait and see, next time I see him I will be giving him a ride to the divorce court. Godimt! I am so jealous.

So for you fat ugly losers who I pick up after the bar closes and going home alone crying on mad cabbies shoulders, "I can't get any girl to dance with me, Mad!"
I don't wanna hear that shit no more, go to fucken Russia and get yourself a hottie which will make you look more ugly than you are, but who gives a shit? try to get a good two years out of her until she dumps your scary ass. In the mean while let me check out priceline, see if they got any good airfare deals to Moscow.

Mad Cabbie.

NOW I KNOW WHY

Last night a couple of hot chicks (Brooke and Jennifer) flagged me down in Cleveland Park across the Uptown Theatre and wanted to go back to 16th and R street. Before we started moving they had a strange request, Because they had a little too much to drink they wanted me to move their VW which was parked on Connecticut Avenue to one of those neighborhood side streets so it won't get towed in the morning. "Can you please do it for us, we are a little fucked up to drive, and we will pay you extra $10!" Shit, who is she kidding? Cabbies will knock off your grandmother and destroy the evidence for extra easy ten bucks.

It was one of those small VW rabbit or something, it smelled nice, a typical chick car, I say about 99.9% of VW rabbits are driven by women. The car was a manual transmission, when I pressed on the clutch and started to shift, the stick looked like a fucking penis, I felt like I was jerking off some guys hard dick. Strange! man. Now I know why chicks like to drive this shit.

We walked back to my cab and told them what I felt about the stick, Brooke told me she felt the same way when she first got the car and Jennifer said to Brooke " Didn't you use to sit on it whenever you were horny, Brooke?". And they told me all kind of funny penis stories until we got 16th and R, that was hot man!

They said I was funny and paid me $30 and left, a total of $17.50 on top of the fare, that was easy money. I kept rolling down 16th street towards the White House with a hard dick of my own.

Mad Cabbie.

THOSE NIGGERS IN GEORGETOWN

..."They were black," Solberg said. "This is not a racial thing to say that black people are unusual in Georgetown. This is a fact of life.
About 400 people crowded into a church in Georgetown on Monday night to discuss the Senitt killing. Solberg, the commander of the 2nd Police District, was addressing that forum when he made his remarks about race. Senitt was white, and the suspects in the case are black.

When he made the comment, Solberg was telling the crowd to report suspicious-looking people to police when they see them in the neighborhood. He talked about the suspects in the Senitt killing and described one as a "chubby, stocky guy" and one as a 15-year-old. He said at 2 a.m. they "are going to stand out" in the area...

...Ramsey(DC police chief) said yesterday that Solberg is "a good man, not a racist or anything like that." Ramsey said he opened the investigation because "public trust is not something we can afford to lose." He reassigned Solberg to the police department's security services section pending the outcome of the investigation...

Staff writers Karlyn Barker, Henri E. Cauvin, Lori Montgomery, Robert Samuels and Clarence Williams contributed to this report for the Washington Post.

Fact of life my ass Inspector Solberg, Should I not give rides to black people because its a fact of life? NO. I go in to neighborhoods your own cops don't touch without drawing their service guns and all I have is a stupid ass baseball bat! "Are you fucking crazy Mad Cabbie? You are doing a suicide mission, don't try to be a hero Mad!" No, I am not trying to be a hero, its called "doing the right thing" By making a foolish comment like that to impress a white audience, how does the hard working black community who live in high crime areas trust the police to help them solve the crime problem while being generalized as criminals themselves.

I am not in to political correctness at all, but as a professional law enforcement officer, he is out of touch on how effectively protecting the community from these animals who butchered Mr. Senitt. One of my best friends since high school who is white, is a Montgomery county police officer and we discussed about the situation and he was explaining to me that those kind of comments could cripple the efforts of those police officers who want to go out there and make a difference in the community and I believe he is right on the money.

Let me protect my ass a little bit here, I am not saying that Inspector Solberg is a racist at all, I don't know that, but since I am a dumm ass cab driver, my reading comprehension might have been poor when I read the Washington Post article.

So Chief Ramsey, let me define what Inspector Solberg's comment for you the way I understood it : "Watch out for those niggers who hang around in Georgetown just to have a good time, watch out for those niggers who attend Georgetown University, watch out for those niggers who are bartenders, waiters, cooks and parking lot attendants, watch out for those well to do niggers who live in Georgetown walking their dogs, watch out for those niggers holding hands with white chicks, watch out for those nigger cops even though they are my guys and protecting the community they are not to be trusted, watch out for those cab drivers most of them are sand niggers, and talking about cab drivers, watch out for this ugly tall Mad Cabbie guy, he is a double trouble, he is half nigger and half Nazi besides I don't like his stupid ass blog."

Mad Cabbie.

ITALIAN FOR THE MOMENT

Italy won the world cup yesterday so every passenger I had last night claimed to be Italian, even some Chinese dude said he is Italian, why do I care? I go along with the bullshit. This is an interesting conversation I had with some drunk asshole I picked up from Georgetown going a few blocks to Glover Park. (I call it the white Ghetto)

AHOLE: Viva Italy, take me 23** 39th street in Glover Park.
ME : Okay!
AHOLE: My people won the world cup dude, I am excited.
ME : Congratulations man, I had a lot of Italians like you in my cab today!
AHOLE: Are you trying to say I am not Italian?
ME : You said that! I didn't.
AHOLE: You're full of shit, you know that?
ME : No, I don't know that.
AHOLE: I am much smaller than you are and I can kick your ass!

And this guy is like 5' 6" 130lbs little punk.

ME : I think you are right, you can kick my ass!
AHOLE: We can step outside right now if you want, I will whip your ass!
ME : You don't have to prove shit, I said you can kick my ass!
AHOLE: I know you're one of those cab drivers who thinks you're too good for the job.
ME : No, I am one of those drivers who thinks that I am lucky to be a cab driver!
AHOLE: I still think you are full of shit, but you know what? I love you anyways.
ME : I love you too.

In the meanwhile he was trying to lean across the seat and hug me, and I was trying to get away from the bad liquor and cigarette breath and drive at the same time.

AHOLE: Stop right here this is my apartment. How much I owe you?
ME : $8.80
AHOLE: Thanks for putting up with my bullshit, take this twenty its all yours.
ME : Thank you.
AHOLE: You know that I am full of shit?
ME : Yes, I know you're full of shit.
AHOLE: Good night.
ME : So long!

I saw him stumbling away towards his apartment while tapping myself on the shoulder admiring my people skills, cooling down a guy who wanted to kick my ass to tipping me over 100%. "Come on Mad Cabbie you're just full of it, the guy was shit faced, he would have tipped Osama Biladin 100%!"

Mad Cabbie.

SOCIOLOGY 101

Its nice to be back after a little break. I had a good time up in the mountains and like I wrote the last time, my friend K was in town with her daughter and I spent great amount of time with them.

Last night was an okay night. Some where around 10:30pm I picked up four women from the Dancing Crab restaurant in Tenleytown, they wanted to go the Washington Marriott, they were loud tipsy middle aged chicks who smelled real bad after the crab feast, God they stunk up my cab,after they paid me well the smell went away.

Later on one in the morning I picked up this black kid around 10th and E across the FBI building after ninety nine cabs passed him by. He complained about empty cabs not stopping for him because he is black, I told him to shut up and enjoy the ride, but I let him smoke in my cab though. "Aren't you a little insensitive, Mad Cabbie? How about listening to this young African American man's problem? He is suffering night after night trying to flag a cab after he gets off from work at the Hard Rock cafe!" Hey, there are all kind of problems in this world its ugly and fucked up, the only thing I can do is to go out there and do the right thing and call it a day, besides that I don't want listen to any fucking social problems. Dick jokes are allowed.

Mad Cabbie.

LONGEST RUNNING BOOTY CALL

The first year in high school we moved to a nice neighborhood in Montgomery county Maryland just outside Washington DC, and K was the first person I became friendly with. I met K in high school, a beautiful Korean American girl with a killer smile. We started out as friends and the friendship grew in to booty calls lasting for over twenty years when ever the time allows. Even though we went to college in different states ( I went to Maryland and she to Penn State)we kept in touch. K moved to the west coast working in the IT biz, got married and settled in frisco. The marriage lasted only six years turning her in to a single mother to a beautiful girl (she is eight now). I don't know why we did not date seriously, we dated other people but we loved those discreet booty calls we got going.

K called me last night telling me that she is in town with her little girl visiting her folks, I was kind of surprised, she usually gives me a heads up weeks ahead. In fact I was surprised she even called me after the yelling match we had during the last phone conversation, I just couldn't take her lecture any more on how I am throwing my life away by being a cab driver, so I just said things that I should have not said. We had a peaceful thirty minutes talk and we agreed to hook up tommorow.

I don't know why I am telling you this, this blog is supposed to be about cab driving not personal drama, sorry. July 4th weekend is going to be pretty slow weekend so I am going to spend part of the holiday up in the mountians around cumberland Maryland, my older sister and her husband own a small cottage up there, they are nice enough to let me have it for a couple of days. Maybe I will drink some cheap ass beer with the local red necks up there.