A VERY EXPENSIVE PUKE

Hustleman Charles called me last night crying over the phone that some chick puked in his cab, and that's one of the worst shit can happen to a cab driver. If someone throws up in my cab that means I am pretty much out of commission for the next 24 hours having the vomit cleaned and getting the stink out of the cab. So that means a loss of a one night income plus the clean up cost and usually a guy named Sam is our in house puke clean up expert.

Sam is an old timer who has been hanging around Diamond Cab Company for ages hustling cab drivers offering his clean up services. You throw Sammy a twenty dollar bill he will clean up a nuclear waste out of your car in minutes and runs to the liquor store and come back happy. I told hustleman Charles to stop crying on my ass and see Sam in the morning and take his losses since he was stupid enough to let the puking chick go home free without taking any financial responsibility. That can not happen in Mr. Mad Cabbie's cab!

The last vomiting passenger experience I had was about five years ago when I picked up this chick in front of the Third Edition in Georgetown. Her friends threw her in my cab and asked me to take her to one of the apartments around the National Zoo and paid for the ride in advance. She was fucken wasted and her breath smelled like shit, I could tell that she had been puking so I thought she was done and settled but still let her knew that if she got sick again and mess up my cab it could cost her $300 (There is a sign posted in my cab) and of course like any drunk ass person would respond she said, "No problem! No problem! I am ok! Just take me home!". Not even a minute after she gave me her words of confidence she sprayed her stink all over the back seat and I was on fucken fire!

When I demanded she owed $300 or face the cops (of course the cops can't do shit beside writing a report) she was scared and sorry and promised to pay me the next day. I took every information from her drivers license, got her phone number and her business card and left her ass in front of her building and I cut short my shift and went to my girlfriend's apartment for the night.

The next day was a Sunday and she wasn't responding to the few messages I left both on her home and cell phones and I was getting irritated, and at this point it's not even about the money anymore but she FUCKED with the wrong cab driver. I called her few more times while Sam was cleaning up her stink but never heard from her. Sam did an excellent work so I threw him a fifty and I got back to work Sunday night and a few minutes in to my shift her boyfriend called me to tell me not to harass her anymore and he offered me $20 for the clean up cost and I told him to go fuck himself and hanged up the phone.

The next morning I called her at her office and she picked up and warned me not to call her anymore or she will contact the police and file a complaint that I was trying to rip her off and that's when I drove straight to her office building at 2400 M street NW with a mission. She worked for a major financial institution as a financial adviser and when she saw me in front of her small office her jaw dropped to the floor, she was nervous and I was calm and I said, "I am ready to call the cops for you now and is this how you want to handle this?"

To make this already long ass story short we went down to the lobby together and she withdrew $300 from an ATM machine and handed me the cash and told me what a big ass-hole I was and everything else. I didn't give a shit, I took the cash with a big smile on my face and she saved herself from a huge embarrassment in front her colleagues so it was a win win situation for both of us.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie

IS JP'S GONE?

JP’s was one of the few stripper night clubs left in DC, and the joint burned down last week leaving “Good Guys” which is located across the street on Wisconsin avenue a nude bar with no competition in Georgetown. I had quite a few stripper friends at JP’s and of course I go there because I enjoy the great gourmet food they serve, I don‘t pay attention to the girls with hot nude bodies with their boobies hanging out .

JP’s reminds me of a regular customer I used to have in Cleveland Park. A bolding short stocky built white man in his early fifties wearing heavy duty ugly glasses. He has been divorced for the last twenty years and never remarried. He is an accountant type but never talked about his job and all I knew was he worked for the federal government. He inherited this big ass house from his parents on Macomb street and lived alone and I remember one time he was so drunk I had to drag him in to his house and it was barley furnished or cleaned, I think I saw a copy of the Washington Post from 1979 laying on the floor.

What really disturbing was after I drop him at the JP’s, sometimes he used to have me wait as few as five minutes and have me take him right back to his house which was five minutes away and he kept moaning in the back seat of my cab while rubbing his crotch until we got to his crib. I remember him telling me that the only way he gets aroused was by watching a live naked body, and I guess that maybe the reason why he rushed home so that he finishes his business before he loses the erection of his pipe.

I hate to see JP’s go and I hope they will rebuild and come back for more booby shows because they a part of our night cab business while they keep you horny guys out there entertained at night until you moan your ass home.

Please don’t forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

SISTER BLOG LAUNCHED.

To anyone who is interested to follow Tewdros's journey to fitness I have launched a sister blog called "SIX-PACK ABS IN PROGRESS"

Go check it out from time to time, you might learn a thing or two.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

RESUME IN PROGRESS

After reading my post titled "Don't March Out" an old Ethiopian friend of mine contacted me to help him out to get in shape. I haven't seen Tewdros in five years even though we live close to each other here in Columbia, Maryland.

Tewdros (Ethiopian version of Theodore) was an ex DC cabbie who got out of the business after he earned his electrical engineerings degree. Now he has been working for one of the major defense contractors for the last ten years and doing very well financially. So we hooked up over the weekend for drinks and caught up on what's going on in our lives. Everything is going well in his life with the exception of his physical appearance which makes hooking up with quality chicks very difficult. He is the nicest guy you can ever meet but the kind of ladies he is interested in wouldn't even look at him.

So we made a deal that I will be his personal trainer for the next year with the exchange that he will let me post the pictures of his progress every week without showing his face and the next day he joined my gym. So here is my friend Tewdros now:



This cat is going to be my bitch for the next year, I don't have any control on what he does outside the gym but he promised he will change his eating habits. We are going to start off very easy for the next few months and I will tell what we have done each week. His excuse for being out of shape is the same lame old story of the rest of you lazy ass fat motherfuckers come up with... "I don't have the time...My kids...My job...My DNA...My bla,bla,bla!" Listen, I hate sounding like a dick but there are 168 hours in a week and if you can't dedicate about 6 hours a week to live a healthy life style, then you deserve all the heart-attacks in the world. I know a girl in my gym who is a single mother of two and she is making all the sacrifices to show up three times a week. So I didn't buy any of Tewdros's excuses and I don't want to hear about it anymore.

Follow the pictures in this little project of mine on how I can help transform this ugly ass gut into a hard rock six pack ab by chopping off about 10 inches off his waist from 42" to 32" and drop his weight from 212 pounds to around 160 pounds by next year. Since I can't make a decent living anymore driving a cab in DC thanks to mayor Fenty, maybe this will be my resume in progress so you guys can hire me next year as your personal trainer so I can turn you in to a hot sexy chick or a fine strong hunk.

Tewdros I am looking forward to see you this Friday and get ready to cry like a bitch my brother.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

TAKE A PAY CUT AS WELL MR. MAYOR

First of all let me be clear that I was one of the troopers responsible for getting Mayor Fenty elected by going door to door in ward 7 and ward 8, since most of his supporters (in some cases even himself) were pussies to walk around those neighborhoods. And you all know that if you don't carry those wards you can't be a mayor in DC. I supported him because I have seen him speak about the homeless crisis in the city and I liked what he had to say and so far it's lip service but I will give him a chance.

The mayor reveled the new fare structure for taxicabs in DC yesterday and I have a problem with it. If you have been reading this blog for a while you know that I am a reasonable guy who always supported the meter system. During the 60-day request for comment period the city received about 2,100 comments and majority of those are dissatisfied of the proposed $4.00 base rate few months ago. I completely agree that the $4.00 base rate was too high even though Montgomery county cabs charge that much. So they reduced it by a $1.00 to $3.00 base rate, the problem is they didn't stop there, so they also eliminated the extra passenger surcharge. Now DC cabs are the only ones that don't have the surcharge for extra passengers in the metropolitan DC area and not with in area industry standard. More passengers means more consumption of gas, more tear and wear on the vehicle and more boring and painful conversations that passengers carry on amongst each other that the driver has to listen to. Let me give you a few examples how DC cabs got the short end of the stick comparing to area surrounding counties:


BASE FARE- Arlington Co.-$2.75 Fairfax Co.-$2.75 Montgomery Co.-$4.00 DC CABS-$3.00

PER-MILE- Arlington Co.-$1.80 Fairfax Co.-$1.80 Montgomery Co.-$1.60 DC CABS-$1.50

EXTRA PASSR-Arlington Co.-$1.00 Fairfax Co.-$1.00 Montgomery Co.-$1.00 DC CABS-None

TRAFFIC TIME Arlington Co.-$22.50/hr Fairfax Co.-$22.50/hr Montgomery Co.-$24.00/hr DC CABS-$15.00/hr

...and on top of that, please don't laugh, you can hire Mad cabbie and drag him all over DC and lets say from Chevey Chase during morning rush hour all the way to Bowling Air force Base which is about a 13 mile trip, according to the new fare structure I can not charge you over $18.90 no matter how long the trip takes and in this scenario it may take an hour or so. What is this? the old Soviet Union or a modern day slavery? Oh! I forgot, we are mostly foreigners and niggers driving cabs so it's okay! right Mr Mayor?

"I think this will meet the needs of the drivers and also the riding public," Fenty said after the announcement. MEET THE NEEDS OF THE DRIVERS???? are you out of your freaken mind Mr. Mayor? What planet are you living in? How could you say that after you slashed about 20% of a poor cab driver's income to satisfy the lobbyists on K street and the lawyers on Pennsylvania Avenue. You gave yourself and your peeps a pay raise (which you rejected when you were a councilman by the way and that's another story) and if I am not wrong you make about $200,000 so how about taking a $40,000 pay cut? that's exactly what you did for a group who supported you in the most part.

The out come of this would be long working hours for drivers and less maintained cabs that could put passenger safety at risk. I don't want to hear about more driver's strike, it doesn't work besides pissing off the riding public and the riding public is our friend not the enemy, and the mayor can make a single phone call to Bangladesh and import 6000 drivers while we are striking. The best way to approach this to have our own email campaign and find a way to communicate with the city to at least to bring back the extra passenger surcharge in to place.

Please don't forget the homeless and the way I see things there is going to be more homeless cab drivers.

Mad Cabbie.

P.S This post will be emailed to the mayor's office.

MAD'S HOOKER INDEX

I was reading the editorial page of the Washington Post yesterday and the one titled “To Blunt a Recession” got my attention. They have been talking about recession creeping up ever since Bill Clinton left office. Some of the warnings were politically motivated and some are just miscalculation and others were planted by wall street to stimulate trading volumes and suckers like me and you buy in to these phony artificially inflated or deflated numbers game. Unemployment, consumer confidence, trade deficit, inflation, the decline of the US dollar and bla bla bla…..

But this time it’s for real kids, because my own MHI gauge tells me the fundamentals of the US economy is so shaky it’s not even funny, I even heard of some lawyers doing part time gigs delivering pizza at night. You may ask what the fuck is the MHI gauge? You probably went to Wharton School of business and never heard of it! No sir, this sophisticated economic indicator they don’t teach you in school.

MHI stands for Mad’s Hooker Index: As a professional DC cab driver and an ex-mathematician I have created my own way of weighing in the country’s state of the economy by the frequency of rides I offer to my hooker clients and their customers. Things are so bad out there even the highly in demand lovely friend of mine the one legged hooker is not keeping me busy lately and on the other side of the coin, armed robberies are way up, you just don’t read about them unless somebody gets hurt. I am talking about robberies all over the city including Georgetown, Adams Morgan, Chevy Chase and Tenelytown.

They say sex always sells but there comes a point that some fine gentlemen stash away that extra hooker appointed cash for the coming rainy days and instead they are forced to downgrade their hooker level to $50 blow-jobs on L street or forced to make love to their wives or they go down the basement and jerk-off watching Angelica Houston movies.

Mad! What’s up with you and your fixation with Angelica Houston? Isn’t she like a hundred years old? You are fucken sick Mad!

Leave me alone dude! I am trying to talk about the economy stupid! and I also think Angelica Houston is smoking hot. I am in to old chicks now, You have a problem with that jackass?

The Editorial ends the article by stating that the Bush administration might find an excuse for another tax rebate and more tax cuts and the sad thing is economist like Martin Feldstein who I admire is suggesting the cuts as well if unemployment continues to rise for the next three months. Isn’t that like borrowing from Jack to pay Joe? In my world Jack will stab your ass if he doesn’t get paid back his money quick but in the fairy world of Washington future generations of tax payers are stuck with the bill even though the wealthy few benefit from it now.

Please don’t forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

OBAMA AND THE BLACK VOTE

I was surprised how well Senator Obama performed in Iowa and the overwhelming support that he is enjoying in New Hampshire. For some reason until the last minute I thought Hillary Clinton would win by good margin but the white folks in Iowa said give us Obama or else.

There is something I noticed during interaction with my African American passengers, before he won Iowa most of the comment I heard was "America is not ready for a black president!" or "I am not going to waste my vote on Obama because he can't possibly win the general election!" but the last couple of nights brothers are fired up and motivated to throw their support to senator Obama. If that's the case around all of America, the huge black support base that Bill Clinton built up in the 90's can disappear real quick for Hillary Clinton and without a chunk of the black vote it could be very difficult to win the Democrat party nomination.

If Obama wins New Hampshire this coming Tuesday the shit is going to hit the fan for Hillary and Company because some states are not going to get any easier. She may need to change her strategy big time, the "I am more experienced" chant is not working at all in fact it may have turned off some potential Hillary votes.

I leave you with something interesting that a twenty something black bouncer I had in my cab last night said when I asked him who he would vote for between Obama and Hillary:

"...I am tired of those niggers man! (referring to Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton) I am tired of hearing about that we are victims man...Didn't Bill Clinton looked the other way when 500,000 niggers got smoked in Rwanda while he was getting his dick sucked in the White House by what's her name? Fuck Bill Clinton and his wife man! I am voting for this nigger quick and I hope he wins!... and how much is my fare motherfucker?"

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

PLEASE DON'T MARCH OUT

That time of the year again at every gym in America, gyms full of new members and their new year's resolution to loose weight. Here at my gym we call them the "March Outs", they march in January and out in March and never to show up again making the gym operators rich by signing long time contracts. Even Hustle Man Charles signed his fat ass to a gym yesterday!

If I stop driving a cab today, I think I am capable of being a knowledgeable personal trainer tomorrow. I have been working out consistently for over twenty years and I thank my dad Mr Army-Man for guiding me on how to develop a work out routine and strong discipline. Over the years I experimented with all kind of workout tricks and techniques for maximum result without getting injured and helped a lot of people along the way. After my sister had her baby it took me less than a year to get her back in to her pre-pregnancy shape even though I made her cry like a baby doing so.

Listen, If you have to wait until new year to start getting your lazy ass in shape, you are doomed to fail. It's like making an appointment to learn how to breath the freaken free air for God's sakes! and please don't go out and run and sign up gym membership cause being in a gym doesn't mean jack unless you have the mind set and the strong will to dedicate lots of time around the gym equipments. To be honest with you, you really don't need a gym membership at first, what you need is to train yourself to adapt to a simple work out plan and a day by day eating habit.

Try the following first and you will be amazed by the results:

1-Throw your TV in the garbage

2-Don't buy in to the diet bullshit, just slowly reduce your portion to the smallest possible but never starve yourself and keep fried food and your sugar intake to a minimum. NEVER DEPRIVE YOURSELF OF SOMETHING YOU LIKE TO EAT! but don't go crazy and make it a habit.

3-Start with a 15 minutes of walk three to four times a week and try to raise it to 60 minutes with in the next six months to five to six times a week.

4-Stairs are your best friends, use them when ever you can.

5-Since your TV is in the garbage, get in to some activity that can help you burn some calories at the same time, like helping out at a homeless kitchen, volunteer at a hospital or old age home or walk around L street at night picking up some hookers, anything that make you work.

6-Don't waste your money on beverages just buy a filter for your tap water and enjoy. Bottled waters are for suckers.

7-Loose all of your lazy friends and associate yourself with people who want to change for the better like yourself.

8-After six month try to read up on some stretching techniques and start stretching without injuring your fat ass.

9-The last six month of the year go online and learn on how to do light exercises that you can do around the house with out using any equipment three times a week for thirty minutes on top of your waking routine.

10-Don't be a dumb-ass and set unreachable and discouraging goals like "I will drop 400 lbs by the end of the year!". Remember, if you are a person who never worked out before, the first year should be always about tricking your brain to adapt, I don't care what every personal trainer try to bullshit you or the so called experts try tell you while pushing their products that never work at the same time.

If you are a 200lb woman who managed to execute the above and dropped 12 pounds by the end of the year, that would be a great success. It means that you taught yourself sticking to a plan without spending a dime and lost about a pound a month on the way. That also means you will be ready to join a gym next year and start doing the hard stuff and I guarantee you will have a 99% chance that you will reach your goal without giving up because you already trained yourself not to fail.

Did I say Happy New Year?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.