THE LAST RUN

Last night I had to drive my friend Ms T aka the one legged hooker to one of her client’s residence in Potomac, Maryland around Democracy and Falls roads. The way it works is, depending on the period of time they require her services either I wait for her few blocks away or I just drive back to town hustle a few fares and I will go back and pick her up and go to the next stop and believe me this chick is busy making shit load of cash.

This client in Potomac is one freak motherfucker, he doesn’t want her with her prosthetic leg so she has to remove her fake leg and use her crutches to help her walk, I think he gets off on watching her hopping with one leg or something. So whenever I drop her off at this jerk’s place I put her pretty amazingly real looking expensive prosthetic leg in my trunk and go on my business back to Washington, DC.

When I got back to the city it was around three in the morning, I took River road hang left on Willard and a right on Wisconsin Avenue towards Friendship Heights and when I came to the traffic light on Western avenue I saw some dude waving at me to my left so I made that turn and pulled over for him.

“I am glad you came by because I was getting worried and can you please pull over to the driveway of the Embassy Suites Hotel please? my wife and kids are in the lobby waiting and we want to go to National Airport! Thank you sir!”

Usually I am not too crazy about driving long trips to the airport and that’s one of the reasons why I drive at night, driving to the airport especially to Dulles and BWI are 45 minutes trips and that’s too long, it’s like getting married to the passengers and usually business folks who do these kind of trips are boring people who take themselves too seriously, I prefer my loud night passengers who throw up on me once in a while.

So as soon I pulled up in front of the hotel the kids ran towards my cab with their little bags when they saw their dad with me and the wife followed with one of the suitcases towards the trunk. When I popped the trunk I heard one of the girls screaming her lungs out as soon as she saw that prosthetic leg sitting in my trunk, at first I didn’t know what was going on until the dad yelled “what the hell is that?”

I just completely forgot about the pale white fake leg in the trunk! I am not used to putting shit in my trunk because I barely drive people to the airports and never expected to open my trunk and who the fuck wants to go to National Airport at three in the fucking morning? So don’t blame me for scaring the shit of those little girls! So while in route to the airport I just told them the leg belongs to my girlfriend and calmed them down a little bit but I can see the mother in my rear view mirror glued to her kids in horror and the dad giving me that strange look. I wonder what he was thinking? He was probably asking himself and wondering…

“I thought these niggers were in to fat white chicks? And now they are going to take away our one legged white chicks from us? I had it with these brothaaazzz, it’s time to send them back to Africa!”

And that’s exactly what I am doing, going back to Africa! I picked up my visa from the Ethiopian embassy today and yours truly will be flying out to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia tomorrow and will be on vacation until the 19th of September.

I will see you when I get back and I love you all.

And always please don’t forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

A SORE SHOULDER

As a veteran cab driver whenever I have someone who is completely drunk and out of it in my cab I make sure I get the complete address from the passenger before I even move or there won't be a ride at all. I go as far as checking the address on the driver's license if I think they are going to pass out as soon as they enter the cab. That's what happened last night when this toasted dude in his 40's was escorted by couple of bartenders and thrown in my backseat in front of Washington harbor in Georgetown.

The guy was so fucked up he couldn't even put two sentences together but I managed to copy his address from his driver's license and started to head north towards Deerwood in Montgomery county Maryland. My man was knocked out in the backseat and when we arrived at his place after about thirty minutes ride there was no sign of life at all in fact he started snoring so I had to carry him over my shoulder and started banging on the door of this pricey house of his. There was light on couple of the rooms upstairs to suggest that his wife or kids were still up and few seconds later couple of dogs started to bark, lights came on and a fairly good looking middle aged blond opened the door and that's when all hell broke loose.

She was screaming "Take this idiot where you picked him up from! That drunk you have on your shoulder is my ex husband and he doesn't live here anymore! Go away before I call the cops!" and the fucken dogs won't stop barking and on top of that my legs were starting to get weak, the guy weighed at least 170lbs and a drunk 170lbs is much heavier than what you would think.

When the tone of his wife got angrier and louder I started to turn around and walk towards my car and that's when the dogs started chasing my ass and I started running with the motherfucker on my shoulder while dragging one of the dogs across the driveway who got of hold of my army boots with his teeth until he let go when I kicked him in the balls or something. I managed to throw the guy in the back of my cab and ran for the front seat and I got out of that neighborhood packing 90mph and that's when the jackass woke up confused and started to ask me if I was kidnapping him.

To make a long story short I managed to get his current address from him which was three minutes away and five blocks from the pick up point in Georgetown which was at 31st and O streets instead of the 52 mile round trip and an hour and half drama I went through. When he realized what happened he was apologetic and paid me the full fare of the trip without arguing after we stopped by an ATM machine and it turned out to be the most expensive and longest five block trip ever and I am not complaining at all besides this aching shoulder and hopefully I will be fine in a couple of days.

But why would he still use his ex wife's address on the driver's license?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

ETHIOPIA HERE I COME

It's official! I am heading to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia on the 29th of this month and will be back on 19th of September. I can't say how excited I am because this trip is different in all kind of ways. I am going to be among millions of people over there who're going to celebrate Ethiopian new millennium or the year 2000 next month.

Thanks to my friend Mr Girma, he has all kind of activities and tours planed out so there won't be any boring moment. I am thrilled that I will be visiting the old church of Lalibela located few hundred miles north of the city. I used to hear a lot about this ancient wonder from fellow Ethiopian cab drivers and being there in person this time is cool and who knows maybe I will be back as a holy person after this visit.

You may disagree with me but I think Ethiopian chicks are one of the most beautiful women on this planet and they tell me that I haven't seen nothing yet in comparison between the Ethiopian women that I see here in the Washington area and the chicks back in Addis Ababa so we will see if Mad Cabbie comes back with his new African bride and a big smile on his face.

"Mad! don't even think any hot Ethiopian girl would be bothered to look at your ugly ass, they are like those Jewish chicks who only prefer their own men!"

That's what you say but my sources in Ethiopia tell me that this chick is singing about Mad Cabbie and she can't wait any longer until I go over there and sweep her off her feet! Enjoy this video from Ethiopa.


Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

ANN COULTER

I remember back in the days watching Ann Coulter who is the so called pin up beauty and a reckless loudmouth of the Republican party lived in DC do her morning jog without the makeup on and she used to scare the shit out of me, of course in those days she wasn't that famous and she didn't give a shit if she looked like one of those chicks with dicks in Dupont. But look at her on TV these days! and those makeups do wonders and all the tricks and I wonder how many hours does it take the artist to transform Ann Coulter to look like a woman? trying to hide those Adams apples should take hours man!

Last night I was driving some idiot to Lincoln Park while listening to my favorite overnight radio talk show "Coast to Coast AM", the jackass kept interrupting me by telling me annoying stories about Ann Coulter on how smarter and more beautiful she is than Hillary Clinton. When I suggested to him that I think Ann is some ugly dude who pretends to be a woman, he didn't like that at all and he kept quite for the rest of the way and when I dropped him off he made sure he counted his change and paid the exact amount with zero tip but I didn't mind at all because I managed to listen to the rest of the interview on the radio without a lecture about Ann Coulter.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie

OSCAR IN THE AIR

Let me get this out of the way first! the second date with Kate was full of fun but again nothing happened beside few make out session here and there, I am not going to lie to you and write about steamy love making episodes but sorry to disappoint you. I am invited back to Maine though, Is Maine in the United States? or do I need a passport to travel over there? Can someone please check and get back to me on that? I hear that there are not too many brothas in Maine!

Sorry for the disappearing act again! As you may know I am involved in a couple of homeless shelters in DC and Baltimore and this time of the year a lot of the volunteers go on vacation and we go short handed and I have been doing all kind of extra shit I don't even have time to fart!

On top of all this for the last few months some film producers got a hold of me and they want to do a documentary piece on taxi-cabs (I can't say in regards exactly about what at this time) for a major production company. So it's only talks at this point nothing concrete yet but lots of meetings and traveling, God! I feel sorry for you guys who have to sit in these kind of meetings all the time, they had to wake me up quite a few times whenever I doze off.

So already I am dreaming about the documentary winning a Grammy and...

"OSCAR! you idiot it's not a Grammy."

Whatever dude, all I know is some of the cab drivers like Lugosi getting jealous and pissed and throwing beer bottles at their TV sets when they see Mad Cabbie accepting his award from Halle Barry while squeezing her ass and making my typical rapper style acceptance speech.

"...I thank my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ who's been always there for me, I thank my Grandmother who raised me while my old man was in the joint for life, I thank my babies mamas all twenty three of you! I also want to thank the motherfucker who robbed me and decided not to shoot me about ten years ago, I would like to thank the redneck cracker who is also my best friend Pastor Joe for his spiritual guidance, I would like to thank Mr Ghost and Mr Hook for keeping my passengers happy during their time of needs, I also would like to thank the one legged hooker for keeping me busy running me around all over the place, finally I would like to thank all the cab drivers in the world who have the balls big enough to drive around fucken strangers in this twisted world of ours day in and day out, night in and night out and still making it home to your families and for those cabbies who didn't make home, rest in peace hommies!"

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.