BRAVE WOMAN GONE

My friend Ali Two Fingers who is from Pakistan called me early this morning crying like a baby after learning that Pakistani opposition leader and former premier Benazir Bhutto was assassinated by some radical motherfuckers who want to rewind the earth's clock by 1000 years.

Sometimes I really hope for a huge ass asteroid to collide with this shit-hole planet of ours and wipe out man kind instantly, as temporary tenants we don't deserve to occupy this Earth because we are SELFISH.

That would be my wish for 2008 but in the mean time please don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.

HELP US OUT SANTA

For the die hard Washington Redskins fan like myself, even though the law of mathematics say something else we would like to believe that our beloved football team will make a run for the #6 spot as a wild card in the National Football Conference. Here is what needs to happen besides the planet Earth, Mars, Saturn and Jupiter perfectly aligned in parallel orbiting the sun.

Case 1
Redskins beat the Vikings, and
Redskins beat the Cowboys, and
Eagles beat the Saints

Case 2
Redskins beat the Vikings, and
Redskins beat the Cowboys, and
Bears beat the Saints

Case 3
Redskins beat the Vikings, and
Redskins beat the Cowboys, and
Bills beat the Giants, and
Patriots beat the Giants

Case 4
Redskins beat the Vikings, and
Cowboys beat the Panthers, and
Eagles beat the Saints, and
Bears beat the Saints, and
Broncos beat the Vikings

Is it possible? Of course it is possible! There is a possibility that I may win the Mega Million Lottery as well and according to my calculations there is an 8.813% that the Redskins might advance in to the post season. I think my friend Lugosi has a better chance pulling a threesome with two hot chicks in his taxicab tonight. But I have been a Redskins fan ever since I was 5 years old and when you're a die hard fan the realist in you disappears and you keep believing.

GO SKINS!!!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad "the dreamer" Cabbie.

HUGH MASEKELA

I know some of you out there listen to music of accomplished legendary artist like Britteny Spears but when you get a chance please check out my man Hugh Masekela from South Africa. I was lucky enough to be at his concert in London years ago and it was out of this world.

His CD can be a great gift to someone who digs real Jazz/African-tunes/World music. Every time I play his album in my cab people want to know who he is and tips fly my way. I think I am going to post and talk about some of the music I like from time to time and next time I will have some Norwegian folk songs for you.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

GREEN CARD IN THREE HOURS

Few years ago, few minutes after midnight I picked up this Latino dude from the Greyhound bus station in North East. With a broken heavy accent English he asked if I know where some Spanish dudes who sold fake green cards (a permanent resident ID card) People ask me for all kind shit but a fake green card was the first and I didn't know what to tell him. I really didn't want to get involved because I am scared to go to prison, but at the same time me being the predator of the streets I want to make some cash as well. So I called Pastor Joe:

MC: Hello Pastor, what's up?
PJ: What the fuck you want Zebra? I am trying to get laid!
MC: I thought you're out hustling Pastor?
PJ: Make it quick motherfucker, what is it?
MC: You know where I can get a Green Card?
PJ: I thought you're an American citizen?
MC: Not for me asshole, I have some dude in the back seat.
PJ: You call yourself a cabbie and don't know where to get a fucken green card?
MC: Stop bitching bitch and tell me were to go!
PJ: Drive him to Ontario and Columbia and when you get to...

I took my new Latino friend to Adams Morgan around Ontario and Columbia frequented by some young Colombian dudes roaming the streets all night long. I gave him my number so he can call me as soon as his green card gets approved and issued by the street thugs and I could give him a ride back to the bus station. My determined passenger had no fear at all, after I dropped him off he quickly disappeared in to the dark ally.

Over an hour passed and I didn't hear from him, I thought he was dead or something so I moved on and stopped by some joint to get an ice cream. Almost three hours later my phone rang and sure enough it was my man with a happy tone in his voice asking me if I can pick him up and drive him back to the station.

He showed me his new green card on our way to the Greyhound. I don't know man, it looked real and perfect to me, with his picture and everything. Next time I see my blogger friend Lizzie I will ask her to show me hers to see how a real green card looks like and compare!

Excuse me Mad! you fucken idiot, Lizzie is an American who was born and raised in Orange county, California! You are a typical ignorant jackass who thinks every Latin person in America is an immigrant.

Alright! alright! everyone calm down please, I didn't know that! To be honest with you Lizzie is whiter than the queen of England, I need to look in to her claim of being a Latina.

Finally I dropped my Norfolk bound happy Latino friend at the station and we said our good byes. I hope he is doing well now and got his shit straight. But later on I hear that hot spot in Adams Morgan used to be a well known shady corner visited by undocumented Latinos, Indians and Pastor's Russian girlfriends until the operation was busted by INS few years back.

Please no emails about how to get phony green cards, I don't want the SWAT team from ICE all over me and water-board my sorry ass in Guantanamo Bay.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

TAXI UNIVERSITY

If I didn't run in to Pastor Joe six months in to my cab driving experience 16 years ago I would have quit the cab business for good and who knows what else could I have done in life. I always say that cab driving is not a rocket science by all means but to make a decent living as a cab driver requires skills and it could take up to five years of fucking up to achieve that craft.

The first six month was frustrating for me, when you attend the taxi school they don't teach you the business side of the coin. Here in DC they teach you the fucken zones and how to give the correct change back to the passenger and you graduate with flying colors and you don't even have to speak the English language either, I am not kidding. I used to do 12 hours of hard driving and take home pathetic $100 after expenses. When I met and told Pastor Joe that I was averaging that kind of bread, I think he threw up with disgust, and that's when he took me under his wings and got me enrolled in the "Pastor Joe's Advanced Studies for Urban Shady Hacking Techniques" Program.

When you're a cabbie at night you have to be very resourceful to your passengers with out crossing the thin lining of breaking any law, and that's where the art of hacking, my education under the master guru Pastor Joe and my experience comes in handy. A good cabbie can help you find any shit you couldn't locate on Google. I remember couple years ago some dude got in to may cab and asked me where he can find a very strong hashish called "The Flying Dutchman" and to make the long story short the last I heard that motherfucker is still stoned in his basement. You see requests like these could cost a hefty finder's fee, that mickey mouse DC zone fare shit is not going to cut it.

My dear readers by all means if you need anything at all, I mean ANYTHING, please don't hesitate to call uncle Mad. Did you find that trophy young chic and that old wife of yours is in the way? You want the old bag to disappear? I hear of some Latvian brothers do some great CSI proof work. Just let me know if you want it slow and painful or quick and painless.

The only thing I couldn't solve is the homeless crises in our city and it's getting cold out there people, so get involved and always please don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie

GOOD NEWS BAD NEWS

The good news is I had a $500 night last night. All kind of Christmas parties and people were moving around and getting shit faced in front of their bosses so it was a non stop cash printing session for cabbies.

The bad news is I opened up some financial news paper this morning and learned that the US dollar is still going down the toilet at a light speed, so that cash I made last night was worth like 10 Euros or some shit like that. I think I am going have to demand my passengers to pay me in Indian Rupees tonight!

I am heading to work now boys and girls and please don't forget the homeless.

Mad Cabbie.

MEET MY NEW FRIEND

"...Feel free to tell your buddies about JP, especially if they are of the female persuasion. Johnny spent a lot of time staring at pastel covered cinder-blocks and could use a little girlie interaction. 99% of the broads I hit up on Craiglist’s personal ads end up being twill-chompers aiming to impale my brown-eye. Nothing against the fruits, I just ain’t looking to relive the glory nights of non-consensual institutional coupling with 315 lb. sweaty broke-back uncut bears. Besides, I am still going through a new set of undies every week due to my inconvenient crimson drawer blotting. Enough of that shit - I know I ain’t gonna land no honeys galavanting down that memory lane."

That was an entry from one of the posts by my new fan Johnny Peepers who linked up this blog to his new master piece. Mad Cabbie attracts people from all walks of life and I also became an instant fan of yours Johnny! I think he has lots of shit to say and I have linked up his blog as well.

Any single chicks out there? Uncle Mad will hook you up!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

SENATOR RICHARD SHELBY

Lot of people ask me if I had someone famous in my cab but DC is not Los angles or New York where people's favorite celebrities roam around the streets. Washington is a political town so our celebrities are usually congressmen, media guys and high profile lawyers you know shit like that. When I used to work late, late meaning until 9am I used to pick up senators and and representatives and most of them nobody even know if they walk down the street. Unless a senator is on the media spotlight caught in a men's bathroom trying to do the nasty you wouldn't differentiate between a senator from Idaho and a used car salesman.

But I can tell you who the most polite law maker I had in my cab, drum roll please: That would be the gentleman from the great state of Alabama Richard Shelby! Yes this dude was always nice to me and next time he's up for re-election I think I am moving to Alabama just to vote for him. I used to pick him up in Georgetown and drive him to the Russell Senate Building and we carried on with great political conversation, even though I don't like his republican party I still enjoyed the 15 minutes ride and on top of that he over tipped the shit out of me.

Washington is a city of full of shit where everyone thinks that he or she is more important than God, even the young interns who work for free in Capitol Hill think that they are power brokers and try to flex their muscles when they run in to a cabbie like myself but they don't impress me so I normally ignore them and play the Best of Abdul from my usual Pakistani latest hits. The senator really didn't have to give me attention at all but he always did and I don't think the man is full of it like most others, at least that's what I think of him and for a guy in his seventies he is in an excellent shape.

But I am impressed by young Americans like this chick aka Petunia in Paradise who is in Southern Sudan doing some meaningful shit and people like her gets my attention and I won't torture them by playing one of my collections of Pakistani hits when they get into my cab.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie

CHEVY CHASE POLICE

I think the most useless and good money wasted for institution on this planet has to be the Chevy Chase Police Department in Montgomery county Maryland. The police department covers about a whopping two square mile of real estate which half of it is the Chevy Chase country Club. I understand that the average cost of a house is well over a million dollars mostly occupied by middle aged rich farts. Trust me there is no drive by shootings in this neighborhood, the cops spend most of their time staring at their radar guns and scratching their fat asses on Connecticut Avenue between East-West Highway and the Chevy Chase Circle by the DC line and harass daily commuters especially DC cabs.

You see, DC cabs are easy targets for cops these days especially after 9-11, because of the intense background check and shit we go through they know that we are not a danger to their safety when they pull us over. Back in the days cabbies used to have an impressive criminal resume, I could bitch slap my passenger in the morning and go to the DC Taxicab Commission the same afternoon and get my taxi license renewed and get a free lolly-pop on my way out with no problem, and that was the good old days. These days they even count the skid marks in my pants before they give me my Taxi-ID! So cabbies are no threat to cops and everyone knows it except this Chevy Chase cop who needed to have two more cruisers to attend my ass.

I got pulled over on Connecticut avenue near Bradley Blvd by a Chevy Chase police cruiser around five this morning while I was driving back home. It was still dark and I was tired and eager to hit the sack but luck wasn't on my side. After I handed my driver's license to a very short police officer I made a quick phone call to my friend Officer L who is a DC cop and was also on duty at the time.

MC: I got pulled over on Connecticut avenue
OL: By one of our guys?
MC: No, on the Maryland side
OL: Why would they pull you over? I know you don't speed, you drive like my grandfather! Do you have a passenger?
MC: No I don't, I was heading home.
OL: Those motherfuckers are like mall guards! so give them some respect and make them feel good, you probably have a blown headlight or something. Just chill! Call me if they lock your ass up, I have to go now!

The next thing I know there were three cruisers behind me and the midget came back to ask me if I am the owner of the cab. Even though the name on my registration and my license was a match the idiot still wanted to know if I was the owner! politely I said yes and gave him my insurance information. After a good fifteen minutes the motherfucker came back with a warning ticket for a stupid non operating rear tag lights (My tag plate has two bulbs and only one wasn't working! what a joke!) and I was on my way.

I don't understand why Montgomery County Police Department which is a fine real police department can't handle Chevy Chase instead of wasting extra money on those idiots? Can some one tell me why and how these neighborhood Rent-a-Cop operation works?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.