DEPORTED TWICE

When I pulled over at the corner of 21st and P streets to pick up this chubby Latino dude, I started to ask myself "Where do I know him?" because his face looked very familiar. One of the skills I acquired over the years is to study a person's face with in a very short period of time and recall that moment if I ever see that person again. But I struggled with this fella, I couldn't pin point where or how we met before but as soon as he sat down and asked me "Where are you from my friend?" with a thick Hispanic accent I knew exactly who he was.

The last time I gave him a ride was six years ago but he has been in my cab quite a few times before that, every time he gets in my cab the first thing he says is "Where are you from my friend?" and then talks about his family's little farm in El Salvador, I heard the same story about ten times but I always listen to him attentively. On the way to Irving street in Columbia Heights I asked why I haven't seen him in long time and he told me that he had been deported from the U.S couple of times since then but managed to sneak back across the boarder again.

I admire people like him, even though he is breaking the law he is dedicated to work hard and better himself by risking his life crossing those boarders and more power to him until ICE gets a hold of him again. Americans just hate to admit it but this country needs people like him to keep this country going because we live in a lazy ass society where working hard is considered being ignorant lately.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

SPEACIAL THANKSGIVING

People who keep and maintain their cars with high mileages for lots of years tend to have long lasting marriages! I heard that sometime ago and it's true in my parent's case. My dad bought his Mercedes in 1990 and the car has almost 400,000 miles and he still does the 3000 mile oil changes like a clock work and the same thing with my mother even though she doesn't do a lot of driving lately.

My parents got married exactly fifty years ago and they had a great marriage and raised five kids and sent everyone of us to college.

"Hey Mad! I think your education at the University of Maryland paid off so well you belong to one of the elite group of DC cab drivers you idiot! I feel so sorry for your parents"

Fuck you! you jackass! Both of my parents are proud of me regardless, stop putting me down because I offer great transportation services to the fine hookers of the District of Columbia. I consider myself as a successful individual and don't forget I was the "DRIVER OF THE MONTH" for the month of June in 1996! How do you like me now motherfucker?

Enough about my success! It was a very special Thanksgiving and tonight we are celebrating my parents 50th weeding anniversary at a local hotel and all of my siblings and close relatives are in town for this special occasion. I am so proud of my parents for having a successful life together especially for beating the odds as an interracial couple during the 60's and 70's. Congratulations mom and dad!

I wonder if my mother is going to give my dad any action tonight after the party? Let me visualize that thought for a second...

Please don't forget the homeless while I go to the bathroom and throw up.

Mad Cabbie.

EARLY MORNING FIGHT

I was trying to drop off two stripper roommates on Harrison street in Friendship Heights around four this morning but couple of blocks away from their house we were blocked by a couple of yellow cabs. The cab drivers were out throwing punches at each other, I think one of the dudes was bleeding but fighting fiercely. Normally I would go out there bitch slap them and break the fight but I am not strong enough yet to do that kind of shit and get my ass kicked so I let my stripper girls take a couple of digital shots of the idiots fighting and then I backed up, drove around the block and dropped them off.

That's one reason why you should not call Yellow Cab of Washington DC, unless you want some motherfuckers beating each other to death in front of your door because one of the morons was trying to steal the fare from the other jackass. Please call us here at Diamond Cab 202-387-6200! We offer comfortable rides, knowledgeable drivers of hooker hot spots, our brakes work about 68% of the time which is a DC record for cabs and for your personal entertainment, besides giving you a foot massage we play the latest Pakistani hits.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

HUSTLEMAN CHARLES

My man “Hustle Man Charles” is back again driving a cab. I was so delightful to see him last night because my night entourages are running thin since pastor Joe and Ali two fingers left the cab business and the death of Wall Street Tom.

Charles is a brother from Nigeria and every sixth month he walks away from cab driving to do something better but his ass always comes right back to the driver’s seat of a taxicab. The thing I like about Charles is, he goes out there and hustle and keep trying and he is not like most cab drivers like the rest of us who keep planning of something better and think that the cab driving gig is temporary business, and the next you know? You are celebrating your 50th year in the business and a few days later they drag your body out of the taxicab at the Union Station line after you passed away of old age. I don’t think Charles would end up like that because every chance he gets he goes out there and gives it his best shot and one of these days his master plan is going to work.

Charles is a real hustler, he can sell you a smelly old sneaker and you’ll go home happy with the garbage he just bought. He got skills but the ingredient he lacked was patience and maturity. I talked to him for a few minutes and I saw a different Charles this time who is calm and focused but still funny, I think his new IRS chick got something to do with his transformation. He talked about her a lot, he might have gotten pussy whipped or something. Hey Charles, you better pay up your taxes on time motherfucker! Those IRS agents don’t fucken play, you might end up locked in her basement doing her laundries for life.

I remember back in the days he was trying to get me to invest $5000 in some kind of shit I really didn’t understand so I ended up investing only five shares for five bucks just to get him off my back and the start up company failed and Charles was hiding from the neighborhood loan sharks, no nonsense brothers from Benning Heights who staked out his apartment every night with loaded guns. He had to come back and start driving his cab again wearing a fake mustache and a Rasta hat working twenty three hours a day sleeping at shady ass motels where they charged you by the hour and the cockroaches know you by name. Finally he paid off his debt and returned to his apartment without looking over his shoulders.

Welcome back Hustle Man but I am still waiting for my return on my $5 IPO investment you jackass, your shit better work this time otherwise I still have those trigger happy brothers from Benning Heights on my speed-dial.

Please don’t forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

THEORY ON BISEXUALITY

It was my first night out to work in about three months last night and it feels so good, it was not busy for me at all, I think I made like two dollars or some shit like that but just being out there in my cab driving around Washington DC was worthwhile. Besides loosing a bunch of weight I feel good and healthy again. You see, I am one of those idiots who lives in a gym and who talks about muscles to other idiots like myself in the weight room so the idea of loosing weight and muscle made me so insecure and scared I thought each person who got inside my cab last night was going to kick my sorry ass. I look like a fucken ghost to be honest with you, but give me a few months I should be back right on track and start yelling at my passengers again.

It was a non eventful night but I had one interesting hot chick I picked up in southwest by the waterfront, she had a few to drink and on our way to Adams Morgan she was lecturing me on how everyone on this planet is born bisexual but majority of us don’t admit it and in between her comments she called a couple of people and left a message to a guy first and some chick on the second call and she leaned on the back of my seat and she whispered “Who ever calls me first is going to get laid tonight!” and she started laughing. I dropped her in front of the "Angry Inch" and wished her luck.

I don’t know, Is everyone really born bisexual? Don’t count me in because all I think about is boobs and…

Please don’t forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie"

STRIKE FOR WHAT?

I just had an extended vacation at two different local hospitals, besides not remembering what happened for three days during my stay I am grateful for the medical crew who saved my life even though the first bunch screwed up big time. I wanted to bring a lawsuit but for some reason Johnny Cochran is not returning my phone calls so I just settled for future free flu shot coupons and a free autopsy which expires by December 31st 2007 if I don’t use it by then, I think I did well.

Thanks to everyone who wished me well and all the misfits of society who came to check me out at the hospital. At one point my mother with a horror look on her face said “Oh my God! where do you know these people?” and I heard the hospital had to install a temporary metal detectors and hire more security personnel to accommodate my guests.

I am back at home now and all I hear about is yesterday’s DC cabbie strike! You idiots need to shut the fuck up and move on with the mayor’s decision which could put more money in your pockets. I have never heard of a strike for refusing to make more money by changing a fucked up zone system to a fare meter system that could bring in more people to sit in your back seat. Unless you have been ripping off people there is no reason why DC cab drivers should be upset about the metered system and I know some of you are worried about the implication of the new system inviting larger companies and putting independent drivers out of business but as long as you don’t sell your licenses to those companies which the license is worth less than a toilet paper at this point you have nothing to worry about. What ever is yours now will be yours in the future, if the District government limit the number of cabs in the city under pressure of big companies in the future, the DCTC license (medallion) you paid $33.50 for now would be worth something and you might have a retirement in your hand! Have you checked what a taxi medallion cost in New York city lately? So when I come back to work next week I don’t want to hear no more crying, the public wanted meters and let them have it and we will make out good so bring it on.

To be honest with you the meter/zone thing doesn’t affect me at all because I barely pick up random people off the street or take radio calls anymore. I work in an underground night life that most of you don’t have the slightest idea that exists in DC. My regular riders call me and I take them where ever they want to go and they pay me what ever they want. They pay me in cash, bag of weeds, lottery tickets, food stamps, blow jobs, you name it I am a very flexible businessman but no credit cards accepted at Mad Cabbie's empire.

Please don’t forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.