I CAME BACK FOR THIS?

My fellow DC cab drivers, make sure you lube your asses real good every time you come to work because we are getting fucked by the current fare rates. I started to second guess myself on why I returned to cab driving on my first night back last night.

I made the stupid move to pull over for a girl holding a light bag standing at the corner of Wisconsin and Garrison around 4am. Normally, I avoid a potential airport job, I look the other way and drive off whenever I see people drag their suitcases and waive their hands. I am a hood hustler fuck the airport work, every now and then I get paid with a bag of weed but that's okay, that's how I roll motherfucker. I was on my way back to the city after dropping off a group of drunk people in Bethesda when I pulled over for a tall skinny girl. By the way she stiffed me on the tip because I don't support gay marriage like she does, I am not like those idiots who just agree with your bullshit just to be polite, fuck you!

To make this sorry ass story short, the metered fare ended up being $39. 50. What the fuck is going on? $39.50 to drive your ass all the way to Dulles Airport and listen to your bullshit on top of that? This same trip would cost her close to $60 when she catches back those Virginia airport cabs when she returns back to town. This will be the last Dulles Airport trip that I will be running, I am going to drop the old classic Pastor move that I use to avoid these slave jobs!

The head clown Uncle Tom, oops I am sorry I meant to say Mayor Fenty! He is going to be a one fucking hit wonder, he is not going to carry ward 7 & 8 like last time during the next election. I can't believe Uncle Tom Jr, ooops again! I meant to say Mad Cabbie, volunteered for this idiot's campaign last time. This motherfucker is completely destroying the working class in the District of Columbia as Ronald Reagan demolished the American middle class! He is setting up the individual DC cabbie to fail so he can hand it to big corporations on a silver platter.

The fares are slashed at least 15%-25% and on top of that the city has started issuing new licenses to thousands of new drivers. Washington DC has the highest number of cabs per capita in the nation already with out the new drivers! Pretty soon drivers will be drawing guns at each other for the right to pick up a fare. What does this tell you about Fenty's administration? What is the message? I think it is loud and clear! It's time to stack up those KY Jellies fellow cabbies, God help you are going to need it big time. The CVS on DuPont Circle has them on sale! This week only while supplies last!

Next time I just stick to my hood jobs, motherfuckers are not going to bother me to take them to the airports from the slums. Maybe to the Greyhound Station on their way to an exotic vacation at the Kings Dominion, and that's fine with me.

Later!

Pastor Joe.

HEEEEEEEEEES BAAAAAAACK!!!

I have known all along that this cracker would come back. The master hacker His Excellency Pastor Joe will be back in the cockpit of his cab some time this week. I can not tell you how excited I am, this motherfucker taught me everything I know. I do believe he is the best hacker in this city and Washingtonians are lucky to have him back on the streets.

I think Pastor Joe is the only cabbie who hangs out around DC jail to pick up his regular clients, even Mad Cabbie has his limits.

Welcome back Pastor!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

MAD THE MENTOR

I was parked and chilling outside the Channel Inn in south west eating an apple until I was interrupted by this kid who was riding his bike. He sneaked up next to me and scared the shit out of me.

ME: What the fuck is wrong with you, you little fuck! Don't you ever sneak up on me like that!
CJ: Sorry Mad, I haven't seen you in a long time, I thought you quit driving a cab!
ME: No CJ I had to be with my dad for a while, he passed away a couple of month ago.
CJ: He got killed or something?
ME: NO! You dumb fuck! My dad died of cancer, you little piece of shit!

I really don't blame CJ for thinking that my dad may have been killed by someone. In his world every dead person he knows was shot and killed by gun violence.

CJ is a short 5 feet nothing 18 year old who dropped out of school three years ago. A classic ghetto tale, father doing time, mother on food stamps living in a section 8 development off Delaware avenue and all that good stuff. Quite a few times I tried to get him in to some programme so he could take his GED test but I never succeeded. CJ is a small time hustler with a "Scarface" dream, so education is not on top of his priority list.

ME: So what are you up to these days CJ? What are you doing up two in the morning?
CJ: You know the drill, trying to get paid! You know what I'm saying?
ME: You better get your shit straight CJ!
CJ: it's rough out here Mad, Niggers popped Skippy few months ago you know!
ME: Skippy? Is he that fat kid who walks funny?
CJ: Yes that's him! They smoked his ass in Baltimore.
ME: I am surprised he lived this long! What is he 22 or 23?
CJ: Some shit like that! Listen Mad, can you help on that GDE thing?
ME: First, It's GED you ass wipe! Second, I am done with you! Do your own shit!
CJ: I promise, I won't fuck up this time Mad!
ME: CJ, just go to a fucken library, they will give you all the information you need.
CJ: It's like that uh?
ME: I had it with you CJ, now leave me alone and let me eat this stupid apple.

Cj got irritated and took off with his bicycle but he came right back to deliver a piece of his mind.

"You're full of shit Mad! I don't need a fucken GED! You have a college degree, but look at you, you're a fucken sorry ass cab driver! PUNK!!!"

CJ disappeared in to the darkness and I didn't have any response to the torpedo he just fired my way, he wouldn't understand anyways.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

RUSH "TO EAT" LIMBAUGH

Look at the new face of the Republican Party! A sexually confused fat man if you notice carefully the way he is sucking on that stupid cigar, He likes it big too!

I thought I was the only one who found the Wanda Sykes "I hope his kidney fails!" line very funny. Everyone is like "she went too far with that cheap shot!" Cheap shot my ass! I laughed my ass off! My friend Lizzie articulated the reasons very well why Rush "To Eat" Limbaugh don't deserve an ounce of sympathy for the beating he took that night. In fact Lizzie concluded her post by saying:

"I'm vehemently against torture. But I would happily waterboard Rush any day."


I hope he wakes up with a hemorrhoid a size of a basketball! How you like that one?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

WHY CALL DIAMOND CAB?

Last night I picked up a petite young blond from a bar in DuPont Circle. She was trying to get home around Logan Circle after a bartending gig. She could have easily walked out to the street and flagged a cab off Connecticut avenue but instead she called Diamond Cab and paid the extra $2.00 charge for the service. But she was telling me that ever since she got robbed by a thug who was driving a stolen cab she was riding in, she stopped catching a cab off the street whenever she rides alone at night. Cabs get stolen all the time and who ever drives the stolen cab could have an open crime season to do what ever he wants if he decides to pick up people. I think she is lucky person that she is still living.

This is another reason why you should call Diamond Cab, especially if you are a chick riding alone at night. Don't call our only competition (Yellow Cab)! The drivers are ugly motherfuckers and they only take showers on holidays. Here at Diamond Cab, drivers are required by management to take a shower at least once every other week but most drivers I know are hygiene freaks and they do shower every Sunday.

Here is our call center number if you need it! (202)387-6200

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

THIRD TIME IS A CHARM

I have been robbed at gunpoint couple of times. The first time I got robbed I almost pooped on my seat but I ended up just having a few brown skid marks in my pants. Just as a reminder on how my job dangerous it could be, I have that same messy pants nicely framed and hanged in my living room. Sometimes I have visitors to my house asking me, "Hey Mad, we didn't know that you're in to abstract arts! Is that a Picasso?"

"That's not a Picasso motherfucker! That's what night cabbies pants look like every time a gun is pointed at the back of their heads!"

The second time was a little different, there were no skid marks or anything like that. I was cool and calm and the jackass who robbed me was nice and polite as well, I think I gave him my card in case next time he needed a ride.

Lately I am kind of feeling my third one is past due, especially in my case who never cherry pick his passengers. You could be waving your gun with one hand and a crack pipe with the other to get my attention, and my dumb ass would stop for you to take you to where ever shit hole you belong to. This time I am hoping to have a drink afterwards with the next motherfucker who's going to rob my sorry ass.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

BETTER THAN GETTING LAID

"It's much pleasurable than a good fuck!"

That's how a lady in her late fifty's described to me her love for sailing. I picked her up last week very early in the morning from Georgetown going to Union Station. She was traveling to New London, Connecticut to participate in some kind of sailing race.

What people say and do never shocks me. I have heard it all and seen it all but for some odd reason this old broad kind of stunned me.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

LESSON FROM THE JERRY CURL TWINS

I am a very confidant individual, you can laugh all you want but I consider myself a successful person. You may ask, "Mad Cabbie, you drive a dumb ass cab for a living! How could you say some stupid ass shit like that nigger?"

You see, the media oriented society made us believe that success is only gauged by how much shit load of money you have, how big a mansion you live in, which Ivy League college you went to, how many important people you mingle around with, how expensive is the piece of metal you drive and so on and so on. That might be half true, I don't know because I never had either of those things. But what I have is a sense of freedom, the ability to simplify my life, the availability to participate in a cause I passionately care for, great family and friends (some of them shady) and the greatest of all, I DON'T own an alarm clock and a TV set!

I am not perfect by no means but I am confident enough that I will be smiling in my death bed looking back on how I lived my life. Let me tell you a little story about what could be one of the the building blocks that made Mad cabbie who he is today.

When I was 13 years old we lived at the 600 block of Peabody street in DC, right behind the 4th district police station. Nice working class black neighborhood, my mother was the only white person there, or maybe with exception of few white cops who cruised back and forth the streets on their way to the station. The house right across from us lived the "The Jerry Curl Family", the parents and the twin boys all wore Jerry curls which was fashionable in the black community at the time. The twins were the bullies of the street, those niggers had full beard at 13 man. They used to claim that my mother was a CIA agent spying on the black community, and they bitch slapped me all the time when I stood up for her. It came to a point that I was afraid to come out of my house, in fact I was so bored in my room I jerked off all day long.

It was one summer morning, I woke up from bed and looked out the window and there were the Jerry curl twins sitting by the porch and enjoying the sun. I don't know what happened, something snapped in my head telling me "THE JERRY CURL TWINS MUST DIE!!!". I walked straight out to their porch and called out one of the brothers, and he did not know what's coming! He said something like, "What the fuck you want? It better be something good!" The minute he got to a striking range I knocked his greasy ass out cold with two fast blows one to his right ear and one to his nose. While he was lying on the floor unconscious and bleeding, his brother ran toward me but I used his own force to throw him to the ground and I managed to be on top of him choking him and banging his head against the ground.

To make the long story short, my parents ended up with a huge medical bill but those motherfuckers never fucked with me again. Ever since that summer morning my life changed for the better, I stopped believing the hype, I started to look at myself and the world very differently, It was a confidence building moment! Confident enough to believe that I could be a cabbie and have a simple happy life.

My father did well as a private contractor after he left the military so the following summer we moved to a much better neighborhood in Maryland with good schools, and I had to learn how to speak English all over again. The only problem? We were the only blacks in the hood! And my mother was like, "It's pay back time motherfuckers!"

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie

COLUMBIA HEIGHTS METRO ALERT

Last night around midnight I was picking my nose while sitting at a red light at 14th and Irving when a distressed young woman banged on the passenger side window so I can let her in. When she got off the metro and walked few blocks towards 11th and Kenyon where she lived, and half way home couple of guys one of them holding a knife tried to rob her. She managed to run away from them until she found me. This poor soul was crying, moaning, farting and everything.

I suggested we call the cops so she can give them description of the thugs but all she wanted was to go home, didn't want to deal with the scare at all. The only thing she noticed was that they were couple of black guys, actually she was polite she said "African American gentlemen".

I gave her a free ride home which was only about four blocks so don't pat me on the back for that bone. I walked her to the basement of some row house and let her in safely. There have been all kind of muggings going on in Columbia heights while the cops are chilling at that 7-11 on 14th and Columbia. If you are especially a female walking home alone from the metro during those hours, use extra care please. I don't want to read about you on the metro section of the post.

In the mean time if you see two black guys in Columbia Heights, let me know will you?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

AVERAGE LOOKING WHITE MAN

Hey Mad DC Cabbie, How are you? and sorry about your loss.

I need help MC,

Where can an average looking professional Caucasian man in his early forties like myself can hang out and meet decent women in the Washington area. You are a man of wealth of information, so help a brother out. You can call me at 240-***-**** if you want.

J.D

Onley, MD

P.S race is not an issue with me, I love them all.

I feel your pain J.D, just living in Olney, Maryland has to be a daily torture by itself. I assume an average looking Caucasian man means you're fat and bolding white dude, but that's okay my friend! There is enough love in Washington for everyone to spread around.

I recommend Bambule at 5225 Wisconsin avenue in Friendship Heights. It's a small night club that plays lot of bad music, the owner who is a Persian man in his sixties is also a wannabe DJ sometimes. But who cares about the freaken music? You want to get laid or meet your future bride. This place is full of women from all over the world but very few black chics if you are in to a little jungle fever.

I use to call this joint the "Olga" club because every Russian chic you meet there is named Olga. There are quite a few "Green Card" hunters looking for their American prince to marry them, so pretty much all you need to be is an American who can breath on his own if you are in to that game. There are local American women as well and most of them with their biological clocks ticking so high it's hard to listen to the bad music they play in that joint.

Any how, J.D Check out this meet market on a weekend, dress nicely and be yourself. Ask as many women as possible to dance with you, it will pay off finally. Don't worry about your dancing skills, nobody cares! Trust me you won't be disappointed.

Please write about your experience and I will post it and by the way, I must warn you in advance that most of the women out there are kind of old. I think the average age of the chics is like 29 or something.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

LET'S GET SHITFACED CABBIE!

I really wasn't feeling it last night. I was in no mood to work, it was just one of those nights where you don't feel like doing shit. At the same time staying home alone wasn't an option at all. I called my friend Pastor Joe so we can hang out but he was too busy with those biker chics and told me to fuck off.

I dragged my ass off to work but I first stopped by the BUNKER to say hi and talk to some friends but there was no one there that I knew very well. I talked to a couple of hookers that I haven't seen in a long time, they didn't like my new hair cut and told me to get lost. I got out of the BUNKER and started to cruise, and here comes my first customer!

GUY: Take me to the nearest establishment where alcohol is served!
ME: There is one across the street. Pointing at the Hawk and Dove bar
GUY: Fuck that place! There is nothing but a bunch of Capitol Hill faggets in there!
ME: You are in a good mood tonight!
GUY: Fuck it, take me to Georgetown I want get drunk tonight.
ME: Why Would you wanna get shitfaced on a Sunday night?
Guy: That bitch embarrassed me in front of our fiends!
ME: Which bitch?
GUY: Girlfriend of four years didn't want to accept this $4000 ring, can you believe this shit?
ME: I hope you can get your money back dude!
GUY: Fuck her and her friends I am going to get drunk, my pussy ass friends didn't want to come with me. You want to hang out have drinks with me cabbie? Are you at the end of your shift?

I have been offered to have drinks with my passengers few times but never once took on the offer but last night I was looking for an excuse not to work and I found it. I parked my sorry ass cab and joined my distraught passenger at Mr Smith's in Georgetown. I haven't had a drink in at least seven months or so, and the first beer I killed gave me a buzz and my man was taking shots after shots.

Mr M is a guy in his mid thirties who worked for some foreign news organization, extremely smart but a loud mouth, the motherfucker was even too loud for me. He said that his girl insisted on getting married for the last two years or so but he was setting up the right moment and time until last night. When he proposed to her at this small restaurant in Capitol Hill in front a few friends, she jumped out her seat and run to the bathroom and locked herself out until her friends begged her and and got her out there. She cried and declined the offer and played "It's not you, it's me!" bullshit and left the restaurant with her friends.

We hit couple of more bars with my new heartbroken friend and there I ran in to this girl I knew and haven't seen in a while. We had volunteered together few years ago until she found a new job and moved away to Rwanda. I used to have the hots for her, we made out couple of times but there was some dude she dated at the time so it didn't go anywhere. I kind of sensed she was happy to see me again so I gave her my number, kissed her on the cheek and said good-bye. At the same time the jackass I am with was completely shitfaced and was getting out of control so before he embarrassed me I payed the bill and dragged him out of the bar.

After a back and forth argument telling him he needs to go home and sleep it off, finally we got to in cab and instructed our Ethiopian cabbie to take us to 15th and P to drop off my friend first and drive me to my mom's house just couple of miles from the District line in Maryland. That way it would be easy for me to wake up in the morning and pick up my cab from M street at 7am before they start towing. Thanks for that Ethiopian cabbie, he helped me carry my new friend to his door, we made sure he got his drunk ass in the house and we took off. When I told the story to my Ethiopian cabbie he laughed his ass off! He said he has been driving a cab for over 25 years but never got drunk with his passengers.

It turned out to be a good night for me! I ended up not working, and thanks to Mr M because of him I met that girl I used to like and I hope she calls. As for Mr M, I don't think the night was according to his plan. Instead of sealing the deal with his future bride he ended up getting wasted with some dumbass cabdriver.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

THE VIEW

Here are couple of ex Mujaheddin DC cab drivers taking a break and reminiscing about their rocket propelled grenade days at the Exxon station located in front of the Ritz Carlton on 22nd street. This Exxon is the new hot spot for DC cabbies and I am pretty sure the lucky guests at the Ritz are thrilled about the view from their expensive hotel rooms.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

ROBBY THE DISPATCHER

"Cab 425! Just go run the freaking job man! you can text me if you get shot!"

Robby the dispatcher's response to a cabbie who complained about a call that goes to a crack central in southeast DC. Diamond Cab Company! We are one big happy family.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

THE MIDNIGHT CALL

God bless his soul, my dad was a big ABC's "Night Line" fan, thanks to Ted Koppel.Even after some Indian dude with a bad British accent took over the show my parents still watched it from bed at the end of the night. As soon as the show signs off, that's when the midnight call from my mother comes my way and it's always the same conversation.

MOM: Hello Mad, are you at work yet?
ME: Yes mom, how are you?
MOM: Did you have something to eat?
ME: Yes mom!
MOM: Did you rest well?
ME: Yes mom!
MOM: Did you pray for your safety tonight? (Mom is a die-hard Catholic)
ME: Yes mom!
MOM: Please don't pick up bad people!
ME: I will try not to mom!
MOM: I love you! Say good night to your father, I will put him on the phone...

...and it is still the same conversation, same time, but no "say good night to your father!" anymore.

God I miss my dad!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

THE STALKERS

My first pick up of the night from Robby the dispatcher was at the Kennedy Warren, pricey apartments on Connecticut avenue overlooking the Rock Creek Pkwy. Tall skinny white dude rushed out of the lobby and got in to my cab and wanted to do round trip to Glover Park. Normally when people request a round trip that means they're shopping for drugs. Glover Park by no means is the drug hot spot of Washington DC, the only thing I know about that neighborhood is that the majority of DC alcoholics live there.

The guy came clean and told me that he wanted to spy on his girlfriend because he is convinced that she is cheating on him. She was supposed to be in her bed early, at least that was what she told him couple of hours ago. He got tipped off by one of his friends that she was being cozy with some dude at a bar in Bethesda so he wanted to confront her when she comes back to her apartment.

I pulled over at the corner of 39th and Benton around 12:30am with my romantically crushed passenger, and about half an hour into my stalking mission I told him that the meter is going to cap out at $19.00 (DC LAW) for a local trips and I am not going to wait and sit on my ass for the pathetic $15 an hour waiting time! So I negotiated a decent hourly rate and started to stare at my windshield.

I kept asking "You are not going to hurt her are you?" but I knew he wouldn't, if he did I don't think he would have shown up at a potential crime scene with a dumb ass cab driver as a witness. I got hungry all of sudden and I took out my brown bag and started eating one of my corn beef sandwich and offered him the other, and the motherfucker was more hungry than I was. We started talking about relationships and the abundance of single women in DC and when I suggested to him that he should leave her alone and start dating other girls, the conversation went silent. My man is in love he didn't want to hear none of my Dr Phil shit.

It was almost two in the morning and our subject didn't show up at all, her cell phone was turned off when he tried to call her for the 100th time. I told him we need to get the fuck out of there when the same DC cop stared at us for the second time while he was making his rounds. He had no choice but to pay me and be left in the dark or to take the painful ride back to his expensive apartment. We both knew that his girl was banging some douchebag at that very moment.

It was a sad and quiet short ride and we pulled up to his driveway after our two hour failed mission, I got paid and wished him well! My next fare was a voucher call from a psychiatric institution on Wisconsin avenue, some nut-case and his accompanying nurse going to the ER at Sibley hospital! Who said cab driving is not intellectually stimulating?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

MAD! IS SHE HOT?

I have been working like crazy! I am like those Pakistani drivers who carry empty milk containers to relieve themselves cause there is no fucken time to make a bathroom stop. Business is good, people don't have cash to take exotic trips instead they get fucked up at local bars and take cabs home.

I was running those kind of bullshit jobs until Ali the concierge from one of the top Washington hotels gave me a call last night. Whenever this motherfucker is on the phone it's always been a challenging task for me. He normally gives out the good lucrative easy hooker runs to his Iranian buddies. The only time he calls me is when the guest requests like a hooker with three tits, a chic with a size 14 feet or some odd ass shit like that.

ALI: Hey Mad Cabbie how are you? Sorry about your dad man!
ME: What the fuck you want Ali? I am busy.
ALI: You are going to make some cash tonight Mad!
ME: I am listening, I know your Iranian clowns couldn't make it happen!
ALI: It's Persian asshole! PERSIAN!!!
ME: What ever dude, what can I do for you Mr nuclear program?
ALI: How soon can you get Tammy at the hotel lobby?

Tammy is a transvestite call girl I got to know through my friend Mr Hook. I negotiated a nice finders fee for myself and I made a quick phone call to Mr Hook. Bad news and good news! Tammy wasn't available but another hot tranny called Alexis was on call. I called Ali and informed him about the change of plan and much higher rate for Ms Alexis.

"Mad! money is no object for this guest, just bring her in ASAP! Make sure you don't drag in some guy with a mustache wearing a dress, like you did three years ago motherfucker! I hope she/he is hot! Is she? Is she? What the fuck you mean you haven't seen her yet?"

I delivered Alexis in less than an hour, thanks to Mr Hook's last minute hustling. Transvestite escort girls are very hard to come by in Washington DC and you better have a thick wallet to have a real convincing hot chic looking transvestite like Alexis. I got paid handsomely on this run, I can't write much about Alexis because she didn't say much on the way to the hotel.

I think I got my game shoes on now! I am back for real.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

WHERE IS THE LOVE BRUCE?

Bruce you did a nice job reporting and exposing the DC inspection station bribe operation. But your story should have begun like this, "After being alarmed by Mad Cabbie's blog dated March 31st 2008, Channel 9 News started investigating......"

I know your inside guys started taking pictures of those ashtrays full of bribe cash in May of last year a month after the Mad Cabbie team reported it.

"Mad what the fuck you want from Bruce Johnson? You're just full of it! Bruce doesn't even know your pathetic ass exists!"

Bruce knows I exist and I know he reads this blog too, we even had other small chit-chats in my cab quite a few times before. He likes talking to his drivers and he is a very big tipper, he is not a stuck up asshole like Channel 4's Jim Vance! By the way what's up with Jim Vance and his earring? Isn't he like 90 years old? Old fart trying to be cool!

All I am saying is Bruce should have given this blog a shout-out, my fans and I would have been proud. I might be wrong but I feel that my post about the DC inspection station inspectors special relationship with corrupt cab drivers was the initial source of his investigative report.

By the way, Dear Taxi Cab Commissioner Leon Swain Jr, I know you used to be a police officer bla bla bla and you want to investigate and get to the bottom of this, but let DMV do their own shit and fire those clowns and prosecute them and the guilty cab drivers! How about cleaning up your own office first? How hundreds of cab drivers got their taxi identification cards? I smell rats!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

P.S For some reason I couldn't upload The Channel 9 video but here is the link:

http://www.wusa9.com/video/default.aspx?maven_playerId=articleplayer&maven_referralPlaylistId=playlist&maven_referralObject=1087016190

HASSAN.

I think my old man is looking out for me from were ever he is it was amazing what happened last Thursday. Like I told you guys, both my registration and my inspection sticker have expired and my first stop was at the inspection station. For those of you who are not familiar with the DC motor vehicle inspection, it is the last place you want to be! Especially for cabs, I don't care if you take a brand new vehicle, they will find an unwritten rule to fail your ass. Don't forget some of the inspectors are used to getting bribes from cabbies and I remember few years ago one of the porters came to my window and told me that if I handed him a fifty dollar bill he will get one of his boys inside have me pass with flying colors, but I told him to go fuck himself and I was too loud too.

I tell you, this has to be a record! When I pulled up at the inspection station line it was 11:30 and by the time I passed the inspection, rushed to the DMV and got a new registration it was 1:10pm. What I encountered at the DMV was shocking, first of all the person who waited on me was a hot black chic, they never have hot chics at DC DMV, usually they are big ass mean looking women who could bitch slap you at any given moment. Second she said HELLO to me! Normally it's the "what the fuck do you want?" look and third she smiled and asked if I wanted a 1 year or a 2 year registration? WHAT? They never do a two year registration for cabs! For some silly reason we have to go over this shit every single year. I thought she was making a mistake but never hesitated to get the 2 year registration. As soon as I paid her and got my 2 year registration card, I dashed out of the building like a mental patient because I was afraid that she might realize her mistake and have the security guard stop my ass.

I was running down M street SW when Hassan an old time driver and fleet owner at Diamond Cab Company stopped me and asked me why am I running and sweating my ass off? and I said "Hassan I got to go man, I think DMV issued me a 2 year registration by mistake! I got to split, have a nice day old man!" Hassan shook his head in disgust and said "You stupid idiot! They have been issuing multi-year registration for cabs for almost a year now you dumb ass! You are getting dumber and dumber every time I see you. All cab drivers are STUPID! Finally you cut your stupid hair and now you look like a sissy ass boy! and when are you going to quit cab driving?" And he kept on going the opposite direction laughing and yelling to himself.

Hassan is a Syrian man in his mid sixty's, he's been driving a cab for forty years and he is the loudest person you can ever meet. He also have a bunch of cabs that he rents out so he deals with a lot of drivers. He's daily mantra is always "Cab drivers are the most stupid people on this planet!" and you can never satisfy this guy. First time I met Hassan years and years ago and when I told him I left a good paying job at NOAA to be a cab driver, even though we just met for the first time he didn't back out to call my then fragile ass the king of all stupids. I really wanted to kick his ass but later I found out that he calls everyone in the fleet stupid. One thing I will never forget is that when I suggested to him that my cab driving is temporary gig for a few month until I move on to something else, he laughed his ass off and said that I will die as an old cab driver inside my cab holding my steering wheel. Now every time this motherfucker sees me for the last eighteen years the first thing out of his mouth is "When are you going to quit driving a cab asshole?" Man I Love Hassan!

I sat in my cab for a while to catch my breath staring at my new registration card and said to myself, "Maybe Hassan is right after all, am I going to do something else after all these years?" Who gives a shit now! I got my meal ticket for another two years so I have couple years to think about my dynamic career.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

THANK YOU.

I really thank everyone sincerely for the condolences and the nice words that you left on my last post. I am quite surprised that some of you are still checking up on me after six months of my absence. So now I feel like I am in debt to you guys to get my ass to work and post some interesting stuff and I will do so.

Thank you to the lovely Ms Red (Few months ago I saw you flying down 90mph on Rockville Pike while I was listening to the radio about a bank robbery in progress and I felt like giving out your description to the cops), Bill Harshaw, Thruhike98, Sarah, Alex Mullineaux, Qbubbles, Silver Spring Penguin, Peggy's Mom (I heard she is a gangsta now in her new Petworth neighborhood!) VM,JC, Petunia (all away from Africa), Peggy (Scottish Chic pretending to be an American), My man John (cheers mate!), Diedra Michelle (Good luck honey! Hang in there!), Moi, Diamond 888 (The night hustler), Officer L (Fine DC police officer who doesn't pay his gambling debt! Where is my money BITCH!!!) and all of the anonymous fans who had nice words to say.

And special thanks for the shout out to my peeps at DCBLOGS and FAMOUSDC.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

THE CHAMP IS GONE.

Last September while reading his Sunday paper my dad felt kind of dizzy and checked in a hospital. After a short battle with cancer on March 4th around 9:08pm with all his children by his side, my father passed away peacefully at home few minutes after he asked us to play one of Wes Montgomery's CD.

The last six month was sad and sweet for me. I spent every single day with him crying, laughing and rewinding our lives. I think it was the most unforgettable time of my life and I am hoping that I come out as a much better individual out of this experience.

I don't know, it is still kind of painful to talk about this and maybe I will write some kind of tribute to my dad in the future. I am not even sure if anyone is reading this blog anymore, it's been so long since I posted we even have a new president in the White House. I haven't worked in six month I think my savings is down to $4 or some shit so I need to get back to work real quick. Unfortunately I got all kind of stuff that are expired! My taxi registration and my inspection sticker are both no good, that means I have to deal with those clowns downtown first thing in the morning. GOOD LUCK!!!

I am hoping to get back on the street by Saturday night, life goes on I guess!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

SARA PALIN NUDE PICS?

Last night while I was driving this half tipsy dude to his home around the Penn-Quarter, he told me something that raised my eyebrows. He works for one of the major news outlets and he mentioned that couple of his colleagues were dispatched to LA to talk to some dude who went to the University of Idaho with Sara Palin in the 80's. There are some new rumors that the California man who took those sexy nude shots of Sara Palin may have those old polaroid pictures.

Is he bull-shitting me or telling me a true story? I don't know! All I know is I am sitting by my computer waiting for those nude pics to surface. I don't know about you King, but my pants are way down to my ankles in case I need to take some immediate action. Vice President of the United States in a Playboy centerfold! That's hot!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

VOMIT ALERT FOR THE QUEBEC SOUTH

"My girlfriend is not feeling well, can you please take us to the Quebec Apartments in Cleveland Park? I am going to drop her off, wait for me for five minutes and bring me back here to Adams Morgan!"

This dude was from Philadelphia visiting his girlfriend that lives in DC. The girlfriend had way too many to drinks and started to get out of control at the club so her friends suggested that he should take her home. The chic had a nice tall body, probably 6 feet tall but he is much shorter than her and it was a very funny scene when he was trying to drag her in the cab.

Once they got in the cab she passed out and he started yapping about Philly this! and Philly that! I really wanted to bitch slap his ass back to Philadelphia. He also wanted to smoke some weed in my cab but when I politely explained to him that I have an iron pipe under my seat that I use for disorderly passengers he changed his mind quick. We arrived at the Quebec South Apartments few minutes later and as soon as he dragged her out the cab she was on all fours puking like shit all over the grassy area.
I took a quick snap but the quality is poor, the boyfriend is the one carrying her bag looking down while she was spraying the driveway.

After a few minutes of uncontrolled purging, he helped her walk upstairs, put her drunk ass to bed, came back and jumped in my cab for a trip back to Adams Morgan.

"This is a blessing in disguise my man! I am glad her ass is in the bed right now!" he said, when I asked him why he left her alone at the apartment. "One of my girlfriend's co-worker was grabbing my Italian dick on the dance floor dude! She was teasing me all night! I told her that I would be back and I am going to hit that ass tonite bro!" According to him he is not worried about his girlfriend finding out that he nailed her drunk colleague.

For you folks that live at the Quebec South, watch your step when you come out in the morning. The driveway in front of the lobby could be a little slippery, thanks to one of your neighbors. I wanted to get back and take a picture of her vomit for my dear readers but I got real busy for the rest of the night.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

APARTMENT RENTED

Thank you for your interests in renting the apartment and no more emails please, because it is not available anymore. And thanks to this blog and one of my fans in Capitol Hill, I found a very good tenant without spending any cash for ads. Sorry Washington Post! I didn't know that you can sell shit online! You think I discovered something?

Now I can get back to my real job, DRIVING A CAB!!!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

FIRST NIGHT BACK

After a couple of nights in New York and a week in Ocean City, I got back last Sunday so I can beat the Labor Day traffic. I spent another week here local just hanging out and working on my apartment in DC. BTW If anyone out there who is interested in renting a spacey one bedroom apartment four blocks from the Dupont metro, it will be available 10/1/08. It has a big ass bedroom that you can pull off a foursome without getting crowded, huge closets where you could hide your boyfriends when your hubby walks in and one assigned parking space! $1800+ utilities or $1650+ utilities without the parking space ($25 application fee and $1800 security deposit). If interested email me at maddccabbie@yahoo.com

The first night after break was action less until I picked up this drunk guy with attitude in his fifties in front of the Camelot Club .

GUY: I am already pissed off so don't piss me off!
ME: I won't, where're we going tonight?
GUY: Wheaton, Maryland.
ME: Where in Wheaton?
Guy: There is only one Wheaton!

I started to get annoyed because Wheaton has to be at least ten square miles and this guy was being a smart ass by telling me there is only one Wheaton.

ME: If you are not willing to tell me exactly where you're going I don't think I can help you my friend!
GUY: You better start driving! You are pissing me off and I am not your friend!!
ME: Sir this ride is over I need you to get out of the cab...
GUY: I am not getting out of this cab! Take me to Connecticut and Randolph in Wheaton, that's where I am going! Are you fucking happy now?

The motherfucker was drunk and I wasn't in the mood to deal with his ass on the first night back so I tried to get out of it by asking the fare money upfront. It didn't work, I asked for $30 and he handed me that amount.

The ride was dead silent, he was making all kind of movement in the backseat and he really made me cautious and extra alert. I pulled out my sorry ass iron pipe from underneath my seat and placed it on the front passenger seat for a potential combat action. I asked if he was alright but he ignored me and started mumbling to himself. Sometimes I feel like wearing a football helmet for protection while driving in this kind of tricky situation.

When we got to his hood the fare was $21.25 and I was very quick to put the car on gear to free both of my hands, if he tried any stupid ass move I was ready to deliver some nice ass whopping. While I was counting some cash to give him his change, he interrupted me by saying "Don't worry about the change, here is another $10 and thanks for the ride man!" and he exited the cab without any drama.

I wasted all that energy on thinking how to defend myself and shit but he ended up tipping me almost 100% instead. I tell you, cab driving could be a funny ass business sometimes you know! So I put back that old rusty sorry ass iron pipe where it belonged. Under my seat!

"What's up with that Micky Mouse iron pipe shit! You better start packing heat like those Jamaican drivers Mad!"

What ever dude and please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

JOB DESCRIPTION

"Wait a minute here Senator! It says here that I have to change your diapers too?"

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie

POST #200

It took over two years to post couple of hundred blogs but what can I say? I am too lazy and I have all kind of shit on the table besides driving a cab.

"Like what Mad Cabbie? Holding your dick in front of your computer surfing through those porn sites!"

Shut up you idiot! You got me mixed up with Mr Lugosi!

I am taking a little break starting tomorrow. I wasn't working enough this year and I didn't generate enough cash so I am taking a poor man's vacation. I will be spending the weekend in New York to catchup with old friends and Tuesday I will drive down to Ocean city and stare at the water for a week. This is the first time that I will be going on a vacation alone for that long so it's going to be interesting. Kids are back in school so I will be checking out some senior citizen asses out there. As long as the chics are under 80 years old I am down with that, maybe we can do something kinky like choking each other and stuff!

Oh, there is a taxi fare increase in the works for DC cabs pretty soon, you read it here at Mad Cabbie first! Relax, maybe it's not going to affect the DC to DC fares I am not sure but if you're traveling out of DC and to the airports the fares are going to be a little higher! Just like the cabs in Arlington, Alexandria, Montgomery County...

Check out these cabbies while I am gone.
My man Roy who is a freak in Ireland, I would like to have a drink with this guy in the future! And how about the lady cab driver from Texas, she is a nice and courteous rookie driver in San Antonio, give her another year or two, she will start bitch slapping those old ladies. Finally check my man King of New York, this motherfucker is the real deal!

I will see you when I get back.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

P.S I forgot about this cabbie from the Big Apple goes by the name G.S, I think he is the Yankee owner George Steinbrenner pretending to be a cab driver. Check him out!

COMFORT MY ASS

"Welcome to the Comfort Inn & Suites, a Washington, D.C. hotel near the Lincoln Memorial...The Comfort Inn & Suites® hotel is conveniently located in the heart of the city, offering easy access to many museums, historical landmarks and popular attractions......In addition to the many nearby landmarks, Washington, D.C. is full of many great theaters, entertainment venues, cultural attractions and shopping centers. A variety of restaurants and cocktail lounges can be found in the surrounding area, including several within walking distance..."

This is what the Comfort Inn at 1600 New York avenue NE bullshit on their website. The only thing you can find with in a walking distance from this dump is getting robbed and stabbed by one of those nice gentlemen who hang out by the gas stations. So you better stay put in your hotel room listening to the moaning of some douchebag next door banging a hooker.

Last night I picked up a couple of hookers in front of the Washington Post and took them to this same hotel where they staying. They were crying and complaining about business being slow, but I told them to chill because everything else in Washington is slow in August. Everyone is out of town this month, the only crowd in the city are the tourists and the type of visitors who come to Washington are the family types. They are not looking for hookers, the men just bang their wives while thinking of those hookers they just saw around the corner. The only time they crave for a hired pussy is when they come back alone to Washington as businessmen, so hopefully things will pickup next month girls!

As soon as I dropped them off and driving away, I see these poor couple with their two young daughters running towards me dragging their suitcases trying to get my attention. The Dad sat next to me, the wife and the young girls in the back seat.

DAD: Please take us to another hotel near the museums, I don't care what they charge!
ME: You didn't like the place?
DAD: I am sorry that my kids had to go through this!
ME: What happened are you guys alright?
WIFE: There were these two women fighting on our hallway...
DAD: And this big blind naked man was yelling and trying to separate the women...
WIFE: My girls are terrified right now!
DAD: We thought this hotel was in downtown...I have never seen anything like this...

Welcome to my world the family from Colorado! To make this long story short, after a few tries I hooked them up with a room at the Crown Plaza Hotel on 14th and K, we hugged and said our good byes. Those kids may need a therapy pretty soon, looking at a fat naked blind man running around a hotel hallway is not a pretty site.

Please don't forget the homeless and stay away from the motels on New York avenue unless the rooms come with bulletproof vests.

Mad Cabbie.

LESSON LEARNED IN PETWORTH

Petworth is a part of northwest section of DC which is struggling to create it's own identity. It has been labeled the "up and coming" neighborhood for the last ten years or so but there is nothing going up or anything coming yet in my opinion. The only difference I noticed is I see a few whitties brave enough to walk their dogs on Georgia avenue but that doesn't change the fact that Petworth is still a shady-ass place to live, and with a depressed real estate market and tight available cash it may stay that way for a while.

"Mad, that guy Prince of Petworth is going to bitch-slap your ass for badmouthing his hood so you better watch your back cabbie!"

Tell the Prince to calm down man! I am lover not a fighter and I always give good service to the people of Petworth until this small incident that took place around 4am this morning.

James the "Black Right Wing Conservative" dispatcher assigned me a job to pick up a passenger at 4am somewhere near Grant Circle and take her to Union Station. It worked out well because I was dropping off a brother just a few blocks away on Illinois Avenue so I got to the pickup address about ten minutes early. When I arrived in front of the house there was a Yellow Cab sitting and waiting for the same passenger but for a 3:45am pick up! So I was a back-up plan in case Yellow Cab didn't show up. It's the old "Let's call multiple cab companies and we will take the first one that shows" trick. But there is unwritten rule among veteran cabbies like Yellow 767 and myself that if you try to pull off some shit like that on us, you are ass would be left on the street and we'll move on to the next pick-up.

A young chic with a suitcase and a laptop came out and she was surprised to see two cabs in front of her door. Her sorry ass plan didn't work because I got there early. I started yelling why she called for two cabs but instead of being apologetic about it, she lied about canceling my order at the office and ignored me and tried to get in to the Yellow Cab, but his door was locked! He said "You can't do this to us, gas costs $4 a gallon! Have a nice day!" and my man pulled off without picking her up. I wasn't nice like him, I said a few more things on my mind and left her skinny ass behind.

I saw her dragging her suitcase on New Hampshire Avenue walking towards Georgia Avenue (about ten blocks) so she can flag a cab off the street. By the way, they sell some good crack-cocaine at that corner of Georgia Avenue! And good luck getting a cab and catching that 5am train.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

THAT'S HOT

"Oh! Look at my hubby making out with another powerful guy! That's hot! Let me play with my tits a little bit!"

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

BUS TERMINALS

I picked up this huge black dude at the lobby of Vista Hotel right after I dropped off some drunk tourists from Australia at the same hotel. He was at least 6foot 5inches, easy 300lbs and he make me look like a little bitch. He threw a fifty dollar bill at my face and said "I need to get to the Greyhound station ASAP bro, I have to pick up my niece and I don't want to be late! And I want you to wait and bring us back here to the hotel"

Most cabbies don't like to be near the Greyhound Station especially one in the morning. These bus terminals attract the shadiest misfits you can ever find on this planet. Con-artists, drug pushers, runaway kids, child molesters, pimps, hookers, crack whores, illegal cabdrivers, street preachers and the list goes on and on. Being the freak that I am I really enjoy observing these characters, as a matter of fact it kind of relaxes me being among these creatures.

The guy didn't say much besides telling me it was a beautiful night and he was a talent-agent from New York. Talent agent my ass motherfucker! By the way he talked and handled himself I knew he was a pimp. You can never bullshit a good cab driver, I think colleges should require few shot-gun rides with cabbies to their sociology and psychology students as a field assignment, they may learn a few things.

When we arrived at the bus station the so called niece who turned out to be a young fat white chic with 52 triple D's tits was in the lobby already. I think he himself was caught by surprise that the new recruit he got was white mama instead of a black chic.

She told him she was hungry and I took them to my boys at DC Cafe, they got their food and I took them back to their hotel. I am pretty sure he is going to test the merchandise before she is sent out on street mission. By the way did you know that there is a high demand for fat white hookers? My friend Mr Hook always used to tell me that he got tons of hot chics but his inventory of big white women is always low! There are a lot of men in Washington who are chubby-chasers I guess.

When we got to the hotel my man slapped me with another $40 and asked for my number and I gladly gave it to him, these are the moments I live for not those boring Dulles Airport jobs.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

SOMETHING IN THE AIR

I am thinking of detoxing my cab or something because people tend to pass out in my cab lately. His snoring was interrupting me from listening to a very important discussion on Coast to Coast AM radio program about humans who got impregnated by aliens and stuff.

I tell you, this economy sucks! People can't afford to take vacations anymore, instead they get hammered on a Monday night.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

FACES OF PERFECTIONISM

Congratulations to Art Monk and Darrell Green! Two of my favorite redskins for getting the well deserved spot at the Football Hall of Fame.

Art Monk, Mr Perfectionist! Who used to catch and run forty or a fifty yard bombs for touchdowns and walked quietly to his bench like it's another day at the job! What a classy dude he was, and still is. Now you have these clowns dancing and shaking their asses every time they catch the ball for a first down while their team is behind by forty points!

Art, I am going to cherish and treasure my beer smelling autographed #81 Redskins jersey for the rest of my life and thanks for the great memories because it has been a painful couple of football decades in Washington.

Please don't forget the homeless, I know Darrell Green doesn't.

Mad Cabbie.

BLACKS VS BLACKS

Every other Friday I stay later than normal and work until 9:00am waiting for the Diamond Cab office to open so I can pick up my insurance stickers. I hate staying that late but it's good to witness the horror of the rat-race sometimes.

I was stopped at a red light at the corner of 15th and I streets, couple of blocks away from the White House around 7:30 this morning. While I was sitting at the light I witnessed at least six empty cabs passing by without stopping for this black chic who was trying to flag a cab so she can get to work on time. As soon as I got the green light I pulled over and picked her up. With a calm voice she said "I am glad you picked me up because I have been out here for half an hour and no cab would stop for me!". It is a crime and injustice that you have to stand and wait half hour for a cab to stop for you in the middle of a business district downtown during rush hour.

Her name is Danielle and she was wanted to go to the "Social Safeway" in Georgetown where she works in the seafood department. That's the Safeway on Wisconsin avenue where people used to flirt and exchange phone numbers before the likings of Match.com took over live socializing. Danielle is one of the thousands and thousands of African Americans around the country facing this dilemma over and over again, in fact Danielle is so used to this she wasn't even upset this morning, she was happy that she will be on time to work. She was telling me that one cab driver once mentioned to her that he doesn't like picking up niggers and the driver was of course BLACK himself. I am not denying the fact that we cab drivers are easy targets for criminals but why in the world that a young black woman on her way to work during day light could be a threat? I am ashamed of some of my fellow DC cab drivers!

I see lot of you cabbies driving around proudly with "Obama for President" bumper stickers, but I bet you that some of you motherfuckers wouldn't pull over for Mr Obama if he flagged you in front of 1600 Pennsylvania avenue. I have been robbed at gunpoint myself and my best friend Pastor Joe who is white and who also got robbed three times and got badly stabbed once never discriminated even after all that until the day he quit cab driving. We can not deny service to the majority of the hard working BLACK people because of the criminal actions of a few NIGGERS! If the kitchen is too hot for you you need to get the fuck out and be a doorman or something.

Danielle, I am glad that we met today and for making me $9 richer for a ten minute ride. The only color that Mad Cabbie pays attention to is the green! nothing else, and thank you for letting me take and post your picture.

P.S If you shop at the Social Safeway in Georgetown, stop by the sea food department and say hi! Danielle knows her sea food.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

BUENA VISTA SOCIAL CLUB

This Cuban masterpiece titled "CHAN CHAN" brings tears to my eyes whenever I listen to it. YES I CRY! I may look like a bad ass motherfucker who is capable of stabbing your grandma sitting on a wheelchair, but no sir! I am a big pussy!

The guy who wrote this piece, Compay Segundo is one of the world's musical treasures so is the other Cuban legend Ibrahim Ferrer and a fellow Buena Vista member. Sadly they both died few years ago. I hope the United States will lift this stupid ass travel embargo one of these days, the policy is doing nothing but hurting poor Cubans and depriving us from visiting an island that is rich in culture. If the US is supporting and financing corrupted dictators and murderers like Egypt's Houssini Mubarak, Ethiopia's Meles Zenawi and the Saudi royal families etc... What's wrong for Americans to go down to a weak Cuba, spend our dollars, listen to good music and smoke a couple of fat ones?

"I didn't compose Chan Chan, I dreamed it. I dream with the music. I sometimes wake up with a melody on the head, I hear the instruments, all very clear. I look over the balcony and I see nobody, but I hear it as if it was played on the street. I don't know what it was. One day I woke up listening to those four sensible notes, I put them a lyric inspired on a children tale from my childhood, Juanica y Chan Chan, and you see, now it's sung everywhere."
Compay Segundo

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

PASSED OUT II

What is this? Pass out in Mad's cab week? Here is another idiot I picked up at the end of my shift around 5:30 this morning who passed out on me in the middle of telling me a story. I was waiting for the punchline and there was silence all of the sudden, when I turned around my man was gone! Then my camera-phone got busy.

Please no more passing out folks! and don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

CABBIES & PETS

Leslie in Adams Morgan who has a nice blog about books asked this question,

"Answer sometime how cab drivers generally feel about picking up passengers with their cats in carriers going to the vets. I'm always scared shitless my cat will pee in the cab and fast him in advance just to be sure he won't but always feel like the cab driver regrets picking me up.

What's your take, Mad Cabbie?"

The DC law as far as I know is that cabbies can refuse to transport passengers with pets with the exception of seeing-eye dogs. Besides your kitty cat peeing and messing up the cab, drivers come from different background of cultures and faith that may not be friendly to pets especially dogs.

The best thing to do when you have to travel with your pet is to call for a cab instead of flagging one, and make sure you tell the operator that you have a cat in a carrier or whichever the case may be. If your pet is without a carrier, be thoughtful to have a towel or some kind of cloth that you can lay across the seat. The reason I said you better off calling a cab company is due to the fact that the dispatcher will give the call only to a driver who doesn't mind to have pets in his cab, and you don't have to worry about it at all.

So next time you pay a visit to the Friendship Animal Hospital, call Diamond Cab Co @ (202)387-6200 and Mad Cabbie's ugly ass may show up at your door especially if it is three in the morning.

P.S Be aware in some cab driver's cultures cats are nice piece of gourmet meat, so holding on to your cat nice and tight may be a good idea.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

PASSED OUT

I was rolling down Wisconsin avenue near the National Cathedral when some chics driving beside me honked and pulled me over. I thought they wanted directions but what they wanted was to dump their toasted friend in my back seat and move on to the next party.

She wanted to be dropped off at her apartment on 5th and Massachusetts ave, It was a real struggle for her because she had to think for a minute to figure out where she lives. She passed out soon after and I was really worried that she may throw up, I unsuccessfully tried to wake her up so I just continued to drive nervously.

It took me about couple of minutes of yelling and shaking to wake her up when we got to her place. I thought she was dead or something but good thing she started to whisper "Please let me sleep! Leave me alone!" and that's when I took this poor quality cell-phone snap shot.

After she paid the fare she asked me from where she was picked from, and when I bull-shitted that I picked her up from a DC jail, she got out the cab and started throwing up all over the driveway and sprinted towards the lobby.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

THE LAST ZONE RIDE

My very last ride before we switched to the meter system was someone famous. It was early Sunday morning few months agoand the last job of my Saturday night shift. I was dispatched by "Redneck Tom" to a house in Chevy Chase to pick up this black chic and take her to National Airport. If my memory serves me correctly I think she was on the 80's sit-com "The Jefferson's".

"Mad! you fucken IDIOT! This lady is Gwen Ifill from News Hour on PBS, and she is one of the top high profile news chics in the country! She even moderates presidential debates you retard!"

"Calm down dude, I don't know what PBS is, so leave me alone! Good thing I didn't ask her what her days on the "Jefferson's" was like."

By the way Gwen, how about sharpening on your tipping skills? You can do better than 5.4% can't you? I know you are a poor woman who lives in a $1million plus house in Chevy Chase, but still let's get with the program!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

MULTIPLE TRIPS

Great question from a commenter at my last post:

"Hey Mad, great site. Question for you: what are the rules under the meter system for multiple trips, i.e., when a taxi picks up a group of passengers who get off at 2 or more stops, can the driver restart the meter at each stop? I don't believe he can -- it should be one fare for the entire ride -- but several cabbies have insisted that's not the case. Can you provide us some insight? "

This the deal my friend, The revolutionary Communist People's Republic of the District of Columbia decided to cap the fare within DC to a maximum of $19 just from point A to point B ONLY. So you can not fairly expect the driver to drop off your friends all over the city on a goose chase for $19. You are entitled to ride from one end of the city to the other as long as it is one pick up point and one destination regardless distance or traffic for $19 plus any extras.

When there are multiple trips involved, we are getting two different inputs from the Taxicab Commission, depending on which idiot you talk to.

#1- They say to use rate 2 which is technically illegal because it only applies to out of DC rides (Rate 2 is not capped at $19)
#2- Restart the meter after each passenger gets off, like the drivers you had have been doing.

The morons at the taxicab commission had zero study when they came up with this fare structure. Not only you are confused, not only I am confused, even the folks at the taxicab commission are confused as well. Maybe my ex-boss Phil who is a dispatcher and an old hippie will fill us in on the comment board.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie

CALL 911

One of my readers asked this question:

MC -

Why is it that cab rooftop lights say CAll 911? Instead of CALL 911? or Call 911? Or leave it off? Has anybody called 911 because of the sign?

Great blog.

-d

DC Taxicab Commission enforces all DC cabs to have that system installed otherwise the cab won't pass inspection or we can be ticketed if it's not working properly. It's supposed to be "A cab driver in distress" sign when you see the "CALL 911" blinking. Drivers have a switch that they can turn on whenever they are in danger and the public must call police and inform the location of the cab when they see that emergency light.

In my opinion it's a waste of time and money, very few people know about it and folks don't give a shit. In most cases people ask me why they should call 911 for a taxi service and I have to explain this shit over and over again.

When I was robbed at gun-point few years ago, I didn't have time to flip that stupid "call 911" switch, I was busy shitting in my pants!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

MY VERY FIRST FARE

I remember my first day on the job as if it happened yesterday. When I zoomed on my first pick up on 17th and R, I was scared to death. When the dude who flagged me opened the door of my cab some kind of accident occurred in my underpants, in fact that same underwear with an impressive skid marks is framed and is hanging on my wall right now! That's a part of my history so don't laugh motherfucker!

Before you become a cab driver in DC you take some bullshit class at the University of the District of Columbia for a few days, exchange some dick-jokes and you graduate so basically you learn nothing. I don't care what they say, but cab driving is one of those professions that you really can't benefit from classroom training. You have to figure it out on your own on the streets, and if you are a smart driver it may take three to five years until you start mastering your shit and start making cash without slaving 16 hours a day.

So when I picked up this guy he didn't have any clue that the driver he is going to encounter didn't know shit about cab driving nor the streets of Washington, DC. Even though I was born and raised here that doesn't mean I know all the shortest routes and point of interests. My man wanted to get to FCC ASAP! I didn't know what the FCC was, FUCKERS CONFERENCE CENTER??? I don't know!!! I came clean with the gentleman, I told him that I have never heard of FCC and it's my first day on the job and he is my very first passenger. The type of passengers you get when you are a rookie can make you or break you but this guy was extra nice to me. In fact he said he was honored to be the first ride and guided my ass to the Federal Communication Commission and paid $10 for a $4 ride and wished me luck. I will never forget that guy!

It took me a few months of fucking up to gain my confidence, I am very accommodating and most people are nice but I used to get intimidated by some of you ass-hole prima donnas out there. Nowadays I just kick you out if you're out of line. "The customer is always right" bullshit doesn't fly in my cab especially when you are a night cabbie in DC like myself.

I was encouraged to write about my virgin experience after reading a new blog about a rookie cab driver in San Antonio and I recommend you to give her a shot hoping that she will continue to blog. Here is an entry from her first post:

"This is my first post. Hopefully I'll have something to blog about. I have ovaries and I hope to drive a taxi."


Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie

YOU ARE ONE CRAZY ASS NIGGER!

Around two in the morning I dropped off couple of army soldiers at Walter Reed Army Hospital (The place of my birth). They were pissed off due to the fact that they didn't get laid ever since they got back from Iraq, I wished them luck and started heading south on Georgia avenue. When I got around Georgia and Kennedy I got flagged down by a tall big ass brother who was sweating like crazy.

Pass: Can you take me to 49th and East Capitol?
Me: Come on in, let's go.
Pass: My car broke down up the street man!
Me: Too bad.
Pass: You damn right too bad! and no cab would stop for me!
Me: Maybe you look too intimidating?
Pass: To be honest with you, you are one crazy ass nigger!!! If I was a cab driver I wouldn't even pick up my own self but thanks for picking me up brother!

We talked about how Iraq is safer than his neighborhood and old school hip-hop, we were both big fans of the group "Tribe Called Quest". We got to his crib and he advised me not to hang around his hood and he paid the fare. I got the fuck out of there quick before getting smoked, Jumped on 295 towards downtown and back to western civilization.

Happy 4th of July everyone! I will be in Annapolis on Pastor Joe's duck-taped sorry ass boat so wish me luck!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

TAKEN FOR A RIDE

Last night I picked some chic from 12th and G downtown who wanted to go to Glover Park. The way she flagged me was pretty strange and funny, she looked like she was doing some kind of Kung-Fu move. She probably was the only person in Washington who wore a knee length overcoat during that nice and warm July night last night. She was carrying a couple of J C Penny shopping bags and those bags brought me some painful memories.

Few years back, one night during the Christmas shopping season a woman in her thirty's got in to my cab with four J C Penny's shopping bags and asked to be driven to Germantown, Maryland. Even though it was a $60 fare, I don't like to go far away places in the woods, I hate to get out of my comfort zones, I miss the sounds of gun shots and shit in the city. But during all my years of hacking I have never refused to take a passenger where they wanted to go. NEVER! I am no pussy driver like Lugosi who is scared to drive to South-East DC.

She asked me how much the fare is going to be and after I told her I will take her for $60, she agreed and she never said a word after that until we arrived at her destination somewhere off Clopper road. "I will go inside the house and get some money and I will leave my bags here, please don't leave." she said with a convincing voice and disappeared in to the darkness behind a set of townhouses. I never suspected that she would con me because I felt those four bags she left in my back seat had to be worth something to her.

I waited for a good ten minutes while picking my nose like a retard but she never showed up. I got out of the cab and walked towards the back of the townhouse where she went to but later to realize that there were another group of townhouses as well and who knows where that bitch escaped to. I walked straight back to my cab and started to investigate what's in those bag! A BUNCH OF COPIES OF OLD WASHINGTON POST NEWSPAPERS!!! That witch played me good and I was pissed, I lost out on $60, an hour and half of my time by the time I got back to DC and my gas.

I was too embarrassed to tell my friends that I got played like that, it took me over a year to tell this story to my boy Pastor Joe. I even wanted to take some legal action against the Washington Post and the J C Penny Co. because their papers were accessories to a grand theft but some lawyer I was trying to hire bitch-slapped me out of his office laughing his ass off.

So I told this story to my passenger from last night and she jokeingly said she had to get some cash from her apartment, but instead she said she was sorry about the flash back that her shopping bag have caused and slapped me with a $5 tip.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

TAXI METERS

Washington DC cabs are one of the most technologically advanced taxis in the world because we have meters now! and you know what? the meter keeps clicking while calculating the distance traveled! What a cool revolutionary concept! I kept staring at my new meter like a mental patient while driving, I think I ran some biker dude off the road at one point.

Let me share some bean counting I did for the past few days with my new meter. I did all kosher boring rides from the streets and from dispatchers (no hooker delivery) so the figures are as accurate as possible. I averaged about $212.75 a night with the meter, these same rides would have paid me $251.80 with the old zone system! In some runs you make a little bit more, but we are loosing money on the majority of the fares. I am for the meters but with these rates I think we are getting fucked. So all of you DC cabbies, before you come out to work, make sure you grease up your ass real good because it's going to hurt. A loss of about 15% of income while your gasoline bill sky-rockets hurts real bad.

"Mad! you big idiot! Why the fuck are you complaining? You are making $200+ a night, that's some good cash! Most people don't make that kind of bread!"

Listen motherfucker, out of the that $212.75 how about subtracting for gasoline, insurance, repairs and maintenances, taxi-wash, dispatch fee and the massage I get on New York avenue from that Vietnamese chic with six fingers! yes motherfucker SIX FINGERS! I am getting all my money's worth from that rub-down. By the end of the day I am taking like $2 home and those child laborers in Bangladesh probably make more than I do!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

ANYONE OUT THERE?

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's been a rough couple of months for me but now I am back! I haven't been working at all and I just got my taximeter installed today and I took a 15 minutes crash-course on how to operate the shit. I think I am going to loose some of my personal clients, I may have to depend on my dispatchers and street pick up for a while.

I begged Pastor Joe to fill in while I was away but he was too busy banging some rich old chic and didn't want to mess around with my stupid blog! I kind of second-guessed myself If I should call it quiets or keep on going! But here I am and I hope you're out there too.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

PHIL

Phil used to be my boss at Diamond Cab Co. but he is not with us anymore. Few months ago one of the owners decided to get rid of all the whitties for some reason I can not explain, maybe Phil in his own words will tell us about it!

Phil is a proud Bostonian who lived in Washington DC for a long time and some of you Diamond riders probably are familiar with his voice over the cab radio with his thick Boston accent. Even though Phil and I had our share of yelling matches before, I still believe he is one of the best dispatchers in town. Very political, opinionated and educated, he made the cab driving experience more interesting to drivers like me who had to listen to his editorials and bullshit over the two way radio for years. Unfortunately he works for another cab company and still hacks part time and he is really missed around here. Here is some very interesting comment he posted on my blog in his own words.

"To-day was the telling day for the meters. THEY SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reports from their cohorts and supporters that the Hack Inspectors were not writing that many warnings and were concentrating on hotel stands, caused the illegals to trickle back onto the streets beginning Monday. By Wednesday, they were back at full strength. Once more the swarms of cab driven by unlicensed drivers could be found on the Hill, in Georgetown, on Pennsylvania Avenue and at Eighteenth and Columbia. So lax have the authorities been, that the illegals were once more over parking the Grand Hyatt Stand to the point that they were double parking on Eleventh Street.

So it is back to business as usual: swarms of unlicensed cab drivers taking away customers from those of us who go through the bother and expense of keeping a hacking face; swarms of unlicensed cab drivers, unmolested by the Authorities, as they cheat and mistreat the public.

My bottom line was about twenty-seven dollars less after working my usual six hours to-day. Everywhere that I went I noticed the illegals out in force.

There are five things in this business that are currently inflicting the most harm on us:

1. The alacrity with which the Authorities police legitimate cab drivers.

2. The zeal with which they police legitimate cab drivers.

3. The proportionally equal refusal of the Authorities to protect legitimate cab drivers. This refusal is manifested by (among other things) the Authorities' toleration of the unlicensed drivers in City cabs as well as their toleration of the Virginia and Maryland cabs' working in the City.

4. The price of gasoline.

5. Excessive fines for hack violations.

I can not pay the excessive fees that the Commission currently charges, nor can I pay the excessive fines if I can not pick up customers. I can not pick up customers because the illegals and the suburban cabs are taking them away. The Authorities seem to have no problem with that. They will not run the illegals off the streets nor will they stop Maryland and Virginia cabs from working in the City.

Every time that I mention this to anyone in authority, I get a song and a dance about how they can not do this, or can not do that and how these illegals and suburban cab drivers have this right and that right. Conversely, it appears that as a legitimate and licensed driver, I have no rights. The thug who is going to take my money and/or blow off my head has more rights than I do.

It will never cease to amaze me how little the Authorities can do to those who make every effort to break the law in the most blatant fashion and how much they can do to me, someone who makes every effort to follow the law.

People tend to take the law into their own hands when it ceases to protect them. This, I suspect is the reason that somebody out there has been running around ramming into suburban cabs. If this nonsense from the D.C. Gubbamint keeps up, another legitimate driver is going to take the law into his own hands and someone is going to get hurt. Just because I am an old man and can not do much about this, does not mean that someone else will not try it. If road rage over someone's running a STOP sign at Georgetown Hospital caused a Yellow Cab driver to pull out a gun................... "
Comment by Phil!

By the way Phil, how did you con that hottie wife of yours to marry you bro?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

COMING SOON

Mad Cabbie has been busy the whole month trying to help the Catholic Church and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints to merge together since they have one thing in common.

"That's not funny at all Mad! We know you come from a Catholic family, Is there some childhood issues and bitterness you want to address?"

I will see you all on Monday and there are tons of stuff to talk about and I owe a lot of people all kind of responses to some of the good email questions I have been asked.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

JAMES CARVILLE

As a cab driver in one of the most important city in the world I get to meet people from all over the planet, I even met someone from North Dakota the other night. During the tourist season it feels like the whole world is in Washington and sometimes communicating with foreign passengers in English could be a very tricky proccess. Americans in general, we are idiots when it comes to trying to learn a second language but my years of experience at interacting with vast number of foreign drivers and passengers had given me the opportunity to understand different thick accents from different countries. The most difficult time I ever had communicating with a passenger though didn't come from a Latino who just got off the bus, but from a well connected American they call James Carville. As you may know this cat used to be one of the master minds who ran Bill Clinton's presidential bid in 1992 and he is still milking-off from that successful gig.

Few years ago he got in to my cab and asked to be driven to the Palm Restaurant, I had to ask him about three times before I understood what his destination was. This guy is as creepy looking as they come man! It was in the middle of the football season and he was talking some shit about Michael Vick for almost ten minutes and I didn't understand a word he said but I just kept saying "That's right! That's right" like an idiot until I got rid of him quick.

By the way, John Edwards is going to endorse Barack Obama right before the Pennsylvania primaries! You heard it here first at Mad Cabbie, your Washington insider.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.