PASTOR FOR THE RESCUE

When I pulled up at a red light at the corner of 17th and Massachusetts avenue, I noticed a cab driver outside his cab demanding his passengers to get out of his cab. So I got out of my cab to investigate the situation to learn that the Pakistani driver didn't like the idea of some dude trying to give a blow job to another dude. I just calmed everyone down and put the two love birds in to my cab, took them to Capitol Hill and made $15 out of that little drama.

Most cabbies I know don't mind if a guy and a girl blow off each other or a girl and a girl make out and do their thing in the back-seat, but male gay dudes are out of luck. Gay's are discriminated against even in a back-seat of a taxicab! Not in my cab, the back-seat of my cab could be an equal opportunity love shack.

I Pastor Joe the holy man don't give a shit, you can do it with your cat on the way to the vet for all I care, I know the Mad Cabbie feels the same way. When people want to do the nasty in the back of my taxicab, gay or straight, all I see is dollar signs! I will make you pay extra for your hornyness. The worst that can happen is I may throw up all over the dashboard while driving two gay dudes blowing each other off.

Cheers!

Pastor Joe.

VANILLA CITY

I saw this white dude walking his dog and listening to his ipod at two in the morning around 5th and Kennedy streets. This motherfucker got some balls man! He's like, "Fuck these niggers! I ain't scared shit, I am going to take my city back dude, I don't wanna here that chocolate city bullshit!"

Census figures from 1800's:
10,066 whites
3,244 slaves
793 free Negroes

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

LONELY SOUL

This past Saturday night I hooked up with old friends for few drinks at Saint-Ex on 14th street. We had good times and left around closing time but we continued to hang outside talking to some chics. 14th street was crowded, busy and people were scrambling and fighting for cabs. In fact at one point a fist fight almost broke between two groups when a cab pulled up to pick up some of the drunken clowns. While all this was going on I noticed one hot chic wearing an ultra miniskirt with her butt-cheek hanging out standing by herself waving helplessly trying to flag down a cab with no success. At least about ten empty cabs ignored her or past right by here and picked up the more lucrative group rides.

In DC a group cab ride costs additional $1.50 per extra passenger. For example if I pick up a group of five drunks, I can charge an extra $6 for the four extra retards, so the ride starts at $9 before you even shut the door. There are tons of group rides all over the place at that time of the night and picking up your lonely ass would not be profitable in the eyes of most DC cab drivers. Me personally I don't give a shit, I pull up for the first person or group I see regardless of where you go. It's not because I am Mr Nice Guy, it's because I am experienced enough to understand that by the end of the night making an extra $50 or $60 would not change my life the next day. And believe me karma could be a bitch, don't treat others like the way you don't want to be treated.

I walked up to the half naked girl who was almost in tears because she couldn't get a cab to take her home, and boy she smelled so nice! She told me couple of cabs pulled over and asked where she wanted to go, which is illegal to ask passengers destination in the first place but they pulled off when they learned that she wanted to go to Arlington Virginia. Look, I understand my fellow drivers frustration, with the mileage rate as low as they are, thanks to the ex mayor to be Fenty! Driving one person to Arlington for $10-$12 trip that could take up to 30-40 minutes by the time you come back where the action is, is not appealing at all. But are we supposed to punish the riding public for that? Of course not! We punished Fenty for sticking us with the lowest mileage rate in the region didn't we? We voted that bitch out! So any cabbies reading this blog, lets do the right thing!

So I gathered my friends around her and we flagged a cab down pretending to be group riders and we made sure she got in to the cab. Looking at the driver's reaction he wasn't too happy but he had no choice but to take her once she's in the cab. By the way I thought they hung Sadaam Hussein in Iraq! Sadaam is well and alive because that cabbie who drove that broad home was him or his twin brother or something.

So for you losers who go home alone after a night out on weekends, make sure you have your friends with you when you flag a cab, otherwise your ass could be out there waiting until dawn when the cab business slows down. And if this makes you feel any better, I was one of the losers who went home alone Saturday night but I just walked four blocks to my apartment.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

SPECIAL OPERATION

Didn't I tell you last night that I will be rolling with dough? I was right man! I didn't have time to hit that Indian food joint because as soon I drove out of my apartment, BINGO! The first fare, gay couple who wanted to go to Pentagon City, and by the time I slowed down it was close to mid-night and it was too late for me to eat so I settled for a stupid apple that I brought from home.

I started to get real busy again around one o'clock. There are about 12,000 cardiovascular specialist from all over the world in Washington DC for a convention and business was rocking. It might be a good time to have a heart attack for the next few days in Washington, because every bum you see at corner is a cardiologist. Most of my passengers were Europeans and at one point I thought I was driving a cab in Tel-Aviv or something!

"Mad you idiot, Tel-Aviv is in the middle-east you dump ass! You're just another ignorant American!"

Whatever dude, and please don't interrupt my story please! So around two o'clock Pastor Joe calls me to cover a special operations work for him and I was in no mode for that shit. I didn't want to deal with hookers, Johns, dope dealers or anything of that nature because I was busy stuffing cash in my pocket doing local short trips.

PASTOR: What up Zebra, what's rolling?
MAD: I am hustling man, I am on 19th and Benning! What the fuck you want?
PASTOR: I want you to pick up "Blind man Dan" for me ASAP!
MAD: Fuck no Pastor! I don't want to deal with that freak, besides I am on a roll right now. Why can't you do it?
PASTOR: Stop counting those pennies nigger! This run is an easy C note motherfucker!"
MAD: Listen I am in no mood to drive that blind freak and listen to his conspiracy theories and shit! why don't you call your cracker friend "High Tech Ben"?

To make the long story short I just couldn't say no to the Pastor.

"Blind Man Dan" is a fat white dude in his forties who comes up with all kind of conspiracy theories for every little shit. He thinks Obama is a planted cell made by the Chinese and North Koreans! The story goes when Dan was nine years old an elephant stepped on his ass during an African safari with his parents, and he went blind ever since. He is a trust fund baby, he comes from an extremely wealthy family but works for the Fed just to get out of his expensive condo. He is one of Pastor Joe's regular customers and I have occasionally done this job before.

Let's call this woman Julie. Julie lives in her own house in Takoma Park, little on the chubby side but an attractive blond woman in her mid to late thirties who is a physical therapist by day and does exotic massages and may be more at night. Her specialties are with disabled people and if there are any horny dudes on wheel chairs out there please Call uncle Mad, I will hook you up bro!

We got to Julie's crib around 2:30 am with "Blind Man Dan" and as soon we got there she flashed the living room light and that means "Come on in, the door is unlocked!" I grabbed Dan by his arm and we got in, and when Julie saw me she said, "What the fuck did you do to your hair Mad? I don't like this at all!" It's the first time she saw my new short hair-style, and she is not the only one with that opinion. The only person who likes my hair now is my mother.

I sat in the living room watching TV while they went upstairs to do there thing. It was so ironic that they were showing a re-run episode of COPS on TV, and it was about an anti-prostitution sting operation by Dallas undercovers! The whole time I was there I was getting paranoid of being busted by Takoma Park police with a freakin COPS filming crew in the background.

Sitting there I was so proud of my college education! Not one but two college degrees, my higher learning at work staring at that stupid TV, waiting for a fat blind man at three in the morning while he's getting his balls greased! What a beautiful life man!

Let me count my cash from last night now and please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

IT'S GOING TO BE A GOOD NIGHT

I am ready to go to work right now (7:05pm). This is way too early, I normally come out around mid-night but there's too many things going on in the city I have a feeling that I am going to make shit load of cash. There are lot's of foreign speaking folks in town, I think we are getting invaded or something. So we will see what tonight has to offer! I am going to hit this Indian joint and have something to eat first, I am so hooked with Sushi, Indian, Ethiopian and Thai food! They got some good stuff man!

"Excuse me Mad Cabbie, what's a good night for a DC cabbie? $200? $300? $400? Do you know there are people who drop that kind of cash just to go out and dine! Don't you ever talk about making shit load of money driving a stupid cab you looser!"

Come on man! Why are you busting my balls? I am trying to live in my own little world! I don't care what other people make and spend! You believe this Jackass trying to ruin my night?

Please don't forget the homeless,

mad Cabbie.

THE BIKE MESSENGER WITH A GOLDEN DICK

From time to time we get these delivery runs in the middle of the night all over the city. Delivery run means when a customer wants something picked up like cigarettes, prescriptions, food, condoms or whatever legal item and have it delivered by one of us retards and don't mind paying $27 plus cost of goods for the service. I like doing that shit, it's the easiest $27 you can make without robbing someone.

This Russian dude was about five foot nothing, muscular build and was standing half naked in front of his townhouse to greet me and receive the cigarettes he wanted to be delivered. The door was was slightly open and I can see table full of alcohol drinks, two hot chics, one of them standing topless and the other barley clothed lying on the couch. I have done this job quit a few times before and each time I go to this place he's always partying with different girls.

Being a nosey person that I am, last night I had to say something and I asked, "Dude, either you have shit load of cash, or tone of coke in your basement man! What's up with all these naked chics every time I come here bro?" He gave me that devilish Vladimir Putin smile and with a thick Russian accent he said "My brother, I am just a poor bike messenger trying to enjoy life in America!" He handed me my cash and slammed the door on my face while I was trying to take a good look at the topless chic. JACKASS!!!

He has no money, no coke and that leads me to believe that his dick is made of gold.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

HONEST OPINION.

This drunk kid got in to my cab last night and asked me how long I've been driving a cab and I told him almost twenty years! He replied by saying "No offense but you are such a looser dude!"

I took that clown extra long way to his destination in Alexandaria. I think I drove through PG county Maryland across the Wilson bridge in to Virginia, it's like going to Europe through South America. Who is the looser now motherfucker?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

WHAT TO TIP A CABBIE.

Hi Mad Cabbie- I just discovered your blog and I love it! I am working my way through the archives, and you have some great stories.

I frequently take cabs in DC, and one thing I've always been curious about that I am wondering if you mind clarifying. Do drivers get a cut of the cab fare at all? Also what is considered an acceptable tip? I've been told rounding up the fare and adding a dollar is ok, also I have been told to tip 15-20% like you would in a restaurant.

Thanks for any input on the matter!

Meg

Thanks Meg for enjoying my work! My vocabulary adds up to be about fifty words, maybe sixty three on a good day. So when someone like yourself appreciates my third grade level writing, it makes me feel good.

Meg, I can only speak for DC cabs, so to answer your question: 100% of the cab fare goes to the driver! That doesn't mean the full fare adds up to be a take home income for us. Like any business we have expenses! We pay for gas, taxicab insurance, dispatch fees, car repairs, car washes, license fees, schedule C income tax, inspection station bribes, hookers and the list goes on and on. I say if we're lucky we take home about 60 cents for every dollar we collect from cab fares.

Tipping your cabbie is usually like you said, people round up the fare and add a dollar if the fare is $10 or less. 10-20% is pretty typical assuming that the driver is skilled and friendly, driving a clean cab. If a driver is a complete jerk off and smells like a pig or smells like a typical DC Yellow Cab driver, you should ask for a refund and an apology letter.

I make great tips most of the time because I know my craft well, I know how to bull-shit and I also give great foot rubs. I can take you to any shithole address in Washington DC and no GPS necessary. I can take you places where you can get the best weed east of the Mississippi that may get you stoned until the November elections.

In a nutshell, tipping is usually up to the passenger's wallet and up to an informed driver willing to put in that extra effort to make the customer happy. I hope I answered your question Meg!

Please don't forget the homeless like Fenty did,

Mad Cabbie.

THIS IS INSANE.

Over the years people leave all kind of crap in the back seat of my taxicab. Cell-phones, cameras, cash, credit cards, passports, umbrellas, jackets, books, divorce papers, vibrators, dildos, you name it and I have found all kind of scary shit that my passengers leave behind. I thought nothing will ever surprise me that I will discover in my cab because I have seen it all. But how the hell that an American University chick managed to forget her left flip-flop without realizing that she walked to her dorm wearing only one shoe? How fucked up could she be? I bet her parents are so proud some where in Minessota that their daughter is in the nations capital pursuing higher learning.

By the way I gave that flip-flop to big fat Paul, he is one of the drivers who is in to women feet and shoes. I know he's going to take that size 7 flip-flop to his basement and do some filthy shit to it.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

SENIOR SITTING NIGHT.

A call girl I know called me last night while I was hacking and asked me to come to her apartment and be with her grandmother for a couple hours. I have known Steph for years and she is a great person, great friend and no benefits. I will do anything for her especially when she promised a hundred bill for my troubles.

Her grandmom is here in town for some kind of medical treatment at NIH and staying with Steph for few days. The old lady doesn't sleep well at night and Steph had to take care of well paying out of state client last night, so here comes Mad Cabbie for the rescue.

When Steph introduced me to her granny I saw fear in the poor old lady's eyes. It's like she have never seen a black dude before. She's from the woods outside Boston, I think the place is called "noblacksville" or some shit like that. Lucky for her I cut my hair, I used to look like a bad ass motherfucker who stab babies for a living, now I am just a tall retard.

Steph was gone for couple of hours, the first hour the old lady was scared to death she didn't say much but just kept asking me how I knew her granddaughter. By the time Steph came back that old bitch was so loose she was sitting on my lap and laughing.

Steph walked me to the lobby and mentioned that she haven't seen her grandma laugh like that in a long time and that made me feel real good. She thanked me, gave me a kiss and slipped some cash in my shirt pocket and I left. I didn't count the cash until I got in my cab, it was a cool $150 for two hours work!

God bless her because I was struggling to make some cash on the street. Believe me if Mad Cabbie is having a hard time making money, that means it's really bad out there. Besides that, our regular night dispatcher Robby wasn't on the deck, just hearing his voice makes me want to work. Instead, right-wing James the ultra conservative black man was dispatching. He is so boring and doesn't know how to dispatch. So I usually turn off the radio and look for drunks off the streets. I heard he was the only black dude who attended Glenn "the clown" Beck's white trash gathering at the Lincoln Memorial!

"Fuck you! Mad Cabbie, who you calling white trash, boy? I am a whip your ass nigger! Glenn Beck is our Moses and he is going to free us from being slaves for the lift-wing elites and take us in to the promise-land across the reflecting pool to our White House tea party in 2012! I know your cab number motherfucker, you better watch your back!"

What ever dude, isn't Glenn Beck supposed to go blind or something? What the fuck is he doing at the Lincoln Memorial? And how the fuck this blog entry go from baby sitting an old fossil to a word match with a Glenn Beck fan?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.