THE TSA AGENT

I would love to have that job man, squeezing tits all day long and getting paid for it!

Few weeks ago around three in the morning I picked up this drunk kid who wanted to go near the DC Maryland border. I am trying not to be carelessly specific in my story just to protect his job in case some of his colleagues read this post.

"Mad, you're full of shit man! You have about three people who read this blog, don't worry about the kid's identity. Who do you think you are? The Huffington Post or something!" 

This guy was shitfaced like there was no tomorrow. He wanted me to wait for him when we got to his place so he can grab his uniform and go to work, since he was too drunk to drive to the airport. I asked if he was an airline pilot knowing those cats fly drunk all the time but he proudly told me that he is a TSA agent. It didn't take him to long when he returned back to my cab after he changed and got in to his TSA uniform. I asked him how is going to perform half drunk, but he assured me not to worry and that he will be sober after a half hour nap in my cab on the way.

When we arrived at the airport he downed a whole pack of tic-tac, gave me the thumbs up sign and walked towards the departure terminal. Now please don't rush to judgment, he was responsible enough not to drive drunk who cares about stopping terrorists!

And when is the FBI going to start criminal investigation of councilman Harris Thomas Jr?

Please don't forget the homeless,


Mad Cabbie.

THE OTHER SIDE

I was coming back from south-east cruising on Pennsylvania avenue in Capitol Hill when a tall white dude flagged me down. He looked half toasted and his breathing was out of the ordinary, like he just completed a marathon. I asked if was running and he said he was just nervous and scared! Scared? Scared of what?

He told me that he is going to tell his wife that he wants out of the marriage. He has been drinking for the last four hours so he can have the balls to face her when he do so. Mind you it's a little after one in the morning and this clown is going to wake up his poor wife and ask her for a divorce. At the same time I was tuned in to "coast to coast am " on the radio. For those of you who are not familiar with "coast to coast am", it's a radio show that attracts night-shift retards like myself and talks about alien abductions, UFO, secret society, shadow government and shit like that. And last night they had a guest talking about how to learn to talk to dead people if you buy his book, and I was listening attentively.

This dude wouldn't leave me alone, he talked about how he is in love with another chic at his work and can not live without her because they are a match made in heaven. He talked about his wife being pain in the ass and that she is not giving up the pussy as frequently as he liked, as a matter of fact according to his iphone app, in 2010 they fucked only fourteen times!

He wanted my opinion and usually I would say "Are you fucking crazy? you dumb ass! You don't wake your wife up one in the morning and..." but last night I was like "You go boy! Wake that bitch up and...", just to make our conversation short so that I can carry on listening to the radio about the latest technique on how to talk to dead people.

Finally I dropped him off around 28th and Cathedral! He admired my superior advice that I have given him and paid me handsomely. This fair would buy me the book that they have advertised on the radio show, and soon Mad Cabbie will be talking to all kind of dead motherfuckers on the other side!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

LONELY SOUL

This past Saturday night I hooked up with old friends for few drinks at Saint-Ex on 14th street. We had good times and left around closing time but we continued to hang outside talking to some chics. 14th street was crowded, busy and people were scrambling and fighting for cabs. In fact at one point a fist fight almost broke between two groups when a cab pulled up to pick up some of the drunken clowns. While all this was going on I noticed one hot chic wearing an ultra miniskirt with her butt-cheek hanging out standing by herself waving helplessly trying to flag down a cab with no success. At least about ten empty cabs ignored her or past right by here and picked up the more lucrative group rides.

In DC a group cab ride costs additional $1.50 per extra passenger. For example if I pick up a group of five drunks, I can charge an extra $6 for the four extra retards, so the ride starts at $9 before you even shut the door. There are tons of group rides all over the place at that time of the night and picking up your lonely ass would not be profitable in the eyes of most DC cab drivers. Me personally I don't give a shit, I pull up for the first person or group I see regardless of where you go. It's not because I am Mr Nice Guy, it's because I am experienced enough to understand that by the end of the night making an extra $50 or $60 would not change my life the next day. And believe me karma could be a bitch, don't treat others like the way you don't want to be treated.

I walked up to the half naked girl who was almost in tears because she couldn't get a cab to take her home, and boy she smelled so nice! She told me couple of cabs pulled over and asked where she wanted to go, which is illegal to ask passengers destination in the first place but they pulled off when they learned that she wanted to go to Arlington Virginia. Look, I understand my fellow drivers frustration, with the mileage rate as low as they are, thanks to the ex mayor to be Fenty! Driving one person to Arlington for $10-$12 trip that could take up to 30-40 minutes by the time you come back where the action is, is not appealing at all. But are we supposed to punish the riding public for that? Of course not! We punished Fenty for sticking us with the lowest mileage rate in the region didn't we? We voted that bitch out! So any cabbies reading this blog, lets do the right thing!

So I gathered my friends around her and we flagged a cab down pretending to be group riders and we made sure she got in to the cab. Looking at the driver's reaction he wasn't too happy but he had no choice but to take her once she's in the cab. By the way I thought they hung Sadaam Hussein in Iraq! Sadaam is well and alive because that cabbie who drove that broad home was him or his twin brother or something.

So for you losers who go home alone after a night out on weekends, make sure you have your friends with you when you flag a cab, otherwise your ass could be out there waiting until dawn when the cab business slows down. And if this makes you feel any better, I was one of the losers who went home alone Saturday night but I just walked four blocks to my apartment.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.