NYQUIL EXPRESS

I stopped by the Seven-Eleven on P street in Georgetown for few minutes and while I was returning to my cab, this woman came out of no where and said "Excuse me, are you the driver of this cab?".

She was dressed in all black, long skirt and a funny looking hat, pretty much she looked like a witch. She has to be the whitest person I have ever seen in my life. I can see through her pale skin  every bit of her blood vessels on her arms. She wanted to go few blocks to the CVS store on DuPont Circle pick up stuff and driven back to 27th street in Georgetown where I picked her up from. She sat on the front seat and started digging in to her bag for over two minutes and I was like "what's up with this freak! Is she looking for her gun and smoke my ass?"

Cab drivers, especially those of us who drive at night are the most paranoid creatures you will ever encounter with. I don't care if Mother Teressa is in my back seat, I wouldn't trust that old bag at all, I here about those nuns with guns all the time! Finally she found the NyQuil coupons she was looking for and she said. "Now we are in business, it's going to be ten minutes or less and I will be right back and please don't leave me!"

I pulled up right at the circle to wait for her and started to stare at my windshield like I always do.While I was waiting for the witch, a cop pulls up behind me and I thought he was going to harass my ass. It turned out to be an officer I know that used to be one of the retards that I went to middle school with. We chatted for a while and he gave me his wife's Mary Kay business card, he was pretty much begging me to order some shit from the catalog he was carrying around. DC cops are getting desperate man! Someone needs to start paying those cats.

The witch returned twenty minutes later with a bag full of night time NyQuil! Isn't that in middle school you try get high on that shit? Maybe she got the mother of all flu or something, I don't know man. All I know is after she paid me for the ride, she also hooked me up with one of the NyQuils and said "you never know when you're gonna need one of these!"  

It's going to be party time at Mr. Mad Cabbie's apartment.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

THE TSA AGENT

I would love to have that job man, squeezing tits all day long and getting paid for it!

Few weeks ago around three in the morning I picked up this drunk kid who wanted to go near the DC Maryland border. I am trying not to be carelessly specific in my story just to protect his job in case some of his colleagues read this post.

"Mad, you're full of shit man! You have about three people who read this blog, don't worry about the kid's identity. Who do you think you are? The Huffington Post or something!" 

This guy was shitfaced like there was no tomorrow. He wanted me to wait for him when we got to his place so he can grab his uniform and go to work, since he was too drunk to drive to the airport. I asked if he was an airline pilot knowing those cats fly drunk all the time but he proudly told me that he is a TSA agent. It didn't take him to long when he returned back to my cab after he changed and got in to his TSA uniform. I asked him how is going to perform half drunk, but he assured me not to worry and that he will be sober after a half hour nap in my cab on the way.

When we arrived at the airport he downed a whole pack of tic-tac, gave me the thumbs up sign and walked towards the departure terminal. Now please don't rush to judgment, he was responsible enough not to drive drunk who cares about stopping terrorists!

And when is the FBI going to start criminal investigation of councilman Harris Thomas Jr?

Please don't forget the homeless,


Mad Cabbie.

TALL GIRL SHORT BOY

I was cruising down Connecticut avenue one night near Uptown Theater when I was flagged down by a tall blond woman. When I say tall, real tall, like six feet and change and very attractive too. Usually very tall girls have horse faces but this chic was hot and curvy at the right places. There was a short dude standing next to her, I thought for a while he was her son or something. He was at least six inches shorter than her with a very boyish look.

They wanted to go the Russia House and as soon as I started driving she was all over him, her hand between his legs and lips locked. I didn't know what to do, I was like should I call the child protective service or something, or should I flag down one of the cops off the street? This woman is raping this young boy! After a few minutes the guy asked me if I was doing okay, I was relieved that he turned out to be an adult. He really sounded much older than he looked so I stopped looking for cops. We started talking and bull-shitting, and the funny thing was, she kept rubbing his crotch while she was explaining the plot of the Harry Potter movie to me. She didn't stop massaging his pipe until we got to the Russia House.

That midget got to have a huge snake between his legs, because I know for a fact that very tall girls don't go for dudes with small wieners.

"How did you know that fact Mad? Does it mean you're packing a tiny belly-button in your pants and got dumped quite a few times by tall chics?" 

Shut up you idiot, I am not discussing the size of my penis on this family oriented blog! Trying to embarrass me in front of my fans?

So after I dropped them off I....

"Hi, my name is Trish and I am an alcoholic. I dated Mad Cabbie few years ago, and I loved his 6' 3" frame but I laughed my ass off when he took off his clothes and I saw his..." 

Sorry to cut you off Trish, but we are out of time and I must end this post NOW.

When is the FBI going to start criminal investigation of councilman Harris Thomas Jr?


Please don't forget the homeless,


Mad Cabbie

GREEN CARD IN THREE HOURS

Few years ago, few minutes after midnight I picked up this Latino dude from the Greyhound bus station in North East. With a broken heavy accent English he asked if I know where some Spanish dudes who sold fake green cards (a permanent resident ID card) People ask me for all kind shit but a fake green card was the first and I didn't know what to tell him. I really didn't want to get involved because I am scared to go to prison, but at the same time me being the predator of the streets I want to make some cash as well. So I called Pastor Joe:

MC: Hello Pastor, what's up?
PJ: What the fuck you want Zebra? I am trying to get laid!
MC: I thought you're out hustling Pastor?
PJ: Make it quick motherfucker, what is it?
MC: You know where I can get a Green Card?
PJ: I thought you're an American citizen?
MC: Not for me asshole, I have some dude in the back seat.
PJ: You call yourself a cabbie and don't know where to get a fucken green card?
MC: Stop bitching bitch and tell me were to go!
PJ: Drive him to Ontario and Columbia and when you get to...

I took my new Latino friend to Adams Morgan around Ontario and Columbia frequented by some young Colombian dudes roaming the streets all night long. I gave him my number so he can call me as soon as his green card gets approved and issued by the street thugs and I could give him a ride back to the bus station. My determined passenger had no fear at all, after I dropped him off he quickly disappeared in to the dark ally.

Over an hour passed and I didn't hear from him, I thought he was dead or something so I moved on and stopped by some joint to get an ice cream. Almost three hours later my phone rang and sure enough it was my man with a happy tone in his voice asking me if I can pick him up and drive him back to the station.

He showed me his new green card on our way to the Greyhound. I don't know man, it looked real and perfect to me, with his picture and everything. Next time I see my blogger friend Lizzie I will ask her to show me hers to see how a real green card looks like and compare!

Excuse me Mad! you fucken idiot, Lizzie is an American who was born and raised in Orange county, California! You are a typical ignorant jackass who thinks every Latin person in America is an immigrant.

Alright! alright! everyone calm down please, I didn't know that! To be honest with you Lizzie is whiter than the queen of England, I need to look in to her claim of being a Latina.

Finally I dropped my Norfolk bound happy Latino friend at the station and we said our good byes. I hope he is doing well now and got his shit straight. But later on I hear that hot spot in Adams Morgan used to be a well known shady corner visited by undocumented Latinos, Indians and Pastor's Russian girlfriends until the operation was busted by INS few years back.

Please no emails about how to get phony green cards, I don't want the SWAT team from ICE all over me and water-board my sorry ass in Guantanamo Bay.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.