GOVERNOR ON THE RUN

I bumped in to the governor of Pennsylvania Ed Rendell at a McDonald's parking lot on Wisconsin avenue and Vanness street couple of nights ago. When I first looked at him I thought he was this old dude I knew who owed me money and I was about to say "Where is my money bitch?!". It's a good thing I didn't  because his bodyguard, a tall, fat white dude most likely packing heat was right behind him.

I started to think, "What the fuck is a governor from Pennsylvania doing in Washington DC, rushing through a fast food joint ten o'clock at night? Don't they have McDonald's in Harrisburg Pennsylvania? " His bodyguard stayed by the door while the governor hustled his way in to use the ladies room. YES the ladies room! The governor didn't have time to look at the sign, he needed to go I guess.

While I was walking towards my cab, I tried to look and see what was going on inside his limo but it was too dark with tinted windows, so I couldn't make out  if there was a hot hooker or something. When the driver gave me a "What the fuck you looking at you jackass!" look,  I had to take off and run.

I wonder if the governor was desperate to take a dump that night ?  His picture that I posted above looks like he is ready to drop one!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

THE BEGINING OF THE END

Diamond Cab Company is one of the oldest cab company in the country. They have been around since the 1920's, in fact we still have some of the old farts driving who were present at the inauguration of the company. I hear from some of my passengers that tell me that their grandparents used to ride with Diamond. That says a lot about any business that could survive this long, especially a small businesses like Diamond.

At one point Diamond had over a thousand cabs in the fleet, at least that was I was told. That number evaporated to just over couple hundred nowadays, and the old retards who own this company don't give a shit at all. If you pay a visit to the dispatch room you would experience a time travel back in to the 1960's. The duck-taped radio equipments that barely work, you will see a pile of hand written order tickets all over the place because a machine called "COMPUTER" hasn't been discovered yet at Diamond.

Since Yellow Cab Company of DC installed the computer dispatch system, almost hundred Diamond cab operators had defected to Yellow Cab! Instead of keeping up with the competition, this company is ruining the "DIAMOND" brand straight to the grave by hiring dispatchers who don't have the command of the English language, by refusing to modernize the dispatch system, by not hiring a real manager instead of a second hand book-keeper running the place like a junkyard, by allowing some unprofessional drivers and operators stick with the company and by losing most of the contracts that we had with different law and lobbying firms on K street, just to mention a few.

With the ongoing self destructive course I just don't see this company surviving another year, unless they sell it to a hungry investor with vision and capital that can turn around this potentially cash-cow operation in to a real dominant transportation powerhouse in Washington DC.

Anyone out there that is sitting on couple of million dollars or so and don't know what to do with it? Forget the stock market, I just gave you a fat ass insider information that can make you a shit load of money in a relatively short period of time. I will be glad to share ideas with you @ maddccabbie@yahoo.com if interested.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

AN OFFICER AND A GENTELMAN

I think being a young hot white chic helps out sometimes, especially when you get pulled over for suspicion of being drunk.

"That cop was a gentleman!" she said to me, after the officer had her park her car and helped her flag me down to drive her home in Glover Park. By the way more than half of DC alcoholics live in Glover Park! what's up with that man? Any how, she only had six cocktails, that's all!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

MAD THE SNITCH

A drunk driver killed a 24 year old woman not to far from my hood last night! Are these drunk idiots going to get it? What's wrong with this picture here? From DuPont where the deadly accident happened to Chevy Chase where that hit and run drunk driver Jorida Davidson lives, the cab fare is less than $12! TWELVE FREAKING' DOLLARS MAN!!!

Few years back I picked up a group of four girls who wanted to go to a high rise apartment off Porter street in Cleveland Park. They were all shit faced talking shit, they were talking about funny stuffs like some old Arab men trying to pick them up at the club. When we got to their place one of the girls insisted that she was okay to drive her parked car at that location to continue her trip in to Bethesda. Her friends were pissed off that she changed here mind all of a sudden to drive home, and begged her to spend the night over and over again. She was in no shape to drive and I even offered her a ride for just $10 to downtown Bethesda but insisted that she only had a couple of drinks and can drive herself home. Finally I warned her that I would call the cops if she sits behind the wheel of her car, but she told me to go fuck myself or something of that nature and zigzagged to her car off Porter street.

She headed north on Connecticut avenue driving her green Volkswagen Gulf with Pennsylvania tags and I followed her to Brandywine street until I was stopped at a red light and I lost her for a while. When I got to Connecticut avenue and Military road, there she was pulled over by couple of DC police cruisers. I wonder who tipped them off? Damn, those cops are real good man!

In 1987 I lost a real good friend who was killed by a drunk driver just couple days after our college graduation. I really take this DUI shit very seriously man, when I drive at night I am more worried that I get run over by a drunk scumbag than being robbed or shot by a thug. If you go out to party that involves drinking and don't have cash for the cab fare, that means you can't afford to go out at all, so sit your sorry broke ass at home please.

Friends don't let friends drive drunk, even if it means that you have to call the cops. For the family of Kiela M Ryan, I am real sorry for your loss and I hope that bitch Jorida Davidson will pay for this for the rest of her pathetic life.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

HOT COUGAR MOM

I tell you, the cougar movement is out in full force. I have been picking up a lot of older women with their much younger boy-toy lately. The other night this dude flagged me down in front of Nora's Restaurant at Florida avenue and R street. He was about maybe in his mid to late twenties, tall and physically in a very good shape. He kissed his forty something girlfriend good bye and said "Take care of my lady and get her home safe please!" She got in my cab and he walked south on Florida avenue.


She wanted to go to her Bethesda home and was in a hurry to get there before 10pm so her baby-sitter won't miss her bus. When she mentioned that she would tip me well I got her home quick, I think I run over two cyclist on the way. The single mother of twin 11 year old girls was very attractive, dark hair, tall, the body still holding well and incredibly great looking set of legs.

With in that twenty minute ride I learned from my MILF passenger that:

Men over forty are boring and lazy in bed, only interested in a blow jobs.
Older women can reverse the process of aging by fucking young studs.
Young men treat older women much better than girls their own age.
Older women should never, never get married to their boy-toy!
I am the coolest cab driver she ever met.

I must say that she paid me well!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

PASTOR FOR THE RESCUE

When I pulled up at a red light at the corner of 17th and Massachusetts avenue, I noticed a cab driver outside his cab demanding his passengers to get out of his cab. So I got out of my cab to investigate the situation to learn that the Pakistani driver didn't like the idea of some dude trying to give a blow job to another dude. I just calmed everyone down and put the two love birds in to my cab, took them to Capitol Hill and made $15 out of that little drama.

Most cabbies I know don't mind if a guy and a girl blow off each other or a girl and a girl make out and do their thing in the back-seat, but male gay dudes are out of luck. Gay's are discriminated against even in a back-seat of a taxicab! Not in my cab, the back-seat of my cab could be an equal opportunity love shack.

I Pastor Joe the holy man don't give a shit, you can do it with your cat on the way to the vet for all I care, I know the Mad Cabbie feels the same way. When people want to do the nasty in the back of my taxicab, gay or straight, all I see is dollar signs! I will make you pay extra for your hornyness. The worst that can happen is I may throw up all over the dashboard while driving two gay dudes blowing each other off.

Cheers!

Pastor Joe.

VANILLA CITY

I saw this white dude walking his dog and listening to his ipod at two in the morning around 5th and Kennedy streets. This motherfucker got some balls man! He's like, "Fuck these niggers! I ain't scared shit, I am going to take my city back dude, I don't wanna here that chocolate city bullshit!"

Census figures from 1800's:
10,066 whites
3,244 slaves
793 free Negroes

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

LONELY SOUL

This past Saturday night I hooked up with old friends for few drinks at Saint-Ex on 14th street. We had good times and left around closing time but we continued to hang outside talking to some chics. 14th street was crowded, busy and people were scrambling and fighting for cabs. In fact at one point a fist fight almost broke between two groups when a cab pulled up to pick up some of the drunken clowns. While all this was going on I noticed one hot chic wearing an ultra miniskirt with her butt-cheek hanging out standing by herself waving helplessly trying to flag down a cab with no success. At least about ten empty cabs ignored her or past right by here and picked up the more lucrative group rides.

In DC a group cab ride costs additional $1.50 per extra passenger. For example if I pick up a group of five drunks, I can charge an extra $6 for the four extra retards, so the ride starts at $9 before you even shut the door. There are tons of group rides all over the place at that time of the night and picking up your lonely ass would not be profitable in the eyes of most DC cab drivers. Me personally I don't give a shit, I pull up for the first person or group I see regardless of where you go. It's not because I am Mr Nice Guy, it's because I am experienced enough to understand that by the end of the night making an extra $50 or $60 would not change my life the next day. And believe me karma could be a bitch, don't treat others like the way you don't want to be treated.

I walked up to the half naked girl who was almost in tears because she couldn't get a cab to take her home, and boy she smelled so nice! She told me couple of cabs pulled over and asked where she wanted to go, which is illegal to ask passengers destination in the first place but they pulled off when they learned that she wanted to go to Arlington Virginia. Look, I understand my fellow drivers frustration, with the mileage rate as low as they are, thanks to the ex mayor to be Fenty! Driving one person to Arlington for $10-$12 trip that could take up to 30-40 minutes by the time you come back where the action is, is not appealing at all. But are we supposed to punish the riding public for that? Of course not! We punished Fenty for sticking us with the lowest mileage rate in the region didn't we? We voted that bitch out! So any cabbies reading this blog, lets do the right thing!

So I gathered my friends around her and we flagged a cab down pretending to be group riders and we made sure she got in to the cab. Looking at the driver's reaction he wasn't too happy but he had no choice but to take her once she's in the cab. By the way I thought they hung Sadaam Hussein in Iraq! Sadaam is well and alive because that cabbie who drove that broad home was him or his twin brother or something.

So for you losers who go home alone after a night out on weekends, make sure you have your friends with you when you flag a cab, otherwise your ass could be out there waiting until dawn when the cab business slows down. And if this makes you feel any better, I was one of the losers who went home alone Saturday night but I just walked four blocks to my apartment.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

SPECIAL OPERATION

Didn't I tell you last night that I will be rolling with dough? I was right man! I didn't have time to hit that Indian food joint because as soon I drove out of my apartment, BINGO! The first fare, gay couple who wanted to go to Pentagon City, and by the time I slowed down it was close to mid-night and it was too late for me to eat so I settled for a stupid apple that I brought from home.

I started to get real busy again around one o'clock. There are about 12,000 cardiovascular specialist from all over the world in Washington DC for a convention and business was rocking. It might be a good time to have a heart attack for the next few days in Washington, because every bum you see at corner is a cardiologist. Most of my passengers were Europeans and at one point I thought I was driving a cab in Tel-Aviv or something!

"Mad you idiot, Tel-Aviv is in the middle-east you dump ass! You're just another ignorant American!"

Whatever dude, and please don't interrupt my story please! So around two o'clock Pastor Joe calls me to cover a special operations work for him and I was in no mode for that shit. I didn't want to deal with hookers, Johns, dope dealers or anything of that nature because I was busy stuffing cash in my pocket doing local short trips.

PASTOR: What up Zebra, what's rolling?
MAD: I am hustling man, I am on 19th and Benning! What the fuck you want?
PASTOR: I want you to pick up "Blind man Dan" for me ASAP!
MAD: Fuck no Pastor! I don't want to deal with that freak, besides I am on a roll right now. Why can't you do it?
PASTOR: Stop counting those pennies nigger! This run is an easy C note motherfucker!"
MAD: Listen I am in no mood to drive that blind freak and listen to his conspiracy theories and shit! why don't you call your cracker friend "High Tech Ben"?

To make the long story short I just couldn't say no to the Pastor.

"Blind Man Dan" is a fat white dude in his forties who comes up with all kind of conspiracy theories for every little shit. He thinks Obama is a planted cell made by the Chinese and North Koreans! The story goes when Dan was nine years old an elephant stepped on his ass during an African safari with his parents, and he went blind ever since. He is a trust fund baby, he comes from an extremely wealthy family but works for the Fed just to get out of his expensive condo. He is one of Pastor Joe's regular customers and I have occasionally done this job before.

Let's call this woman Julie. Julie lives in her own house in Takoma Park, little on the chubby side but an attractive blond woman in her mid to late thirties who is a physical therapist by day and does exotic massages and may be more at night. Her specialties are with disabled people and if there are any horny dudes on wheel chairs out there please Call uncle Mad, I will hook you up bro!

We got to Julie's crib around 2:30 am with "Blind Man Dan" and as soon we got there she flashed the living room light and that means "Come on in, the door is unlocked!" I grabbed Dan by his arm and we got in, and when Julie saw me she said, "What the fuck did you do to your hair Mad? I don't like this at all!" It's the first time she saw my new short hair-style, and she is not the only one with that opinion. The only person who likes my hair now is my mother.

I sat in the living room watching TV while they went upstairs to do there thing. It was so ironic that they were showing a re-run episode of COPS on TV, and it was about an anti-prostitution sting operation by Dallas undercovers! The whole time I was there I was getting paranoid of being busted by Takoma Park police with a freakin COPS filming crew in the background.

Sitting there I was so proud of my college education! Not one but two college degrees, my higher learning at work staring at that stupid TV, waiting for a fat blind man at three in the morning while he's getting his balls greased! What a beautiful life man!

Let me count my cash from last night now and please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

IT'S GOING TO BE A GOOD NIGHT

I am ready to go to work right now (7:05pm). This is way too early, I normally come out around mid-night but there's too many things going on in the city I have a feeling that I am going to make shit load of cash. There are lot's of foreign speaking folks in town, I think we are getting invaded or something. So we will see what tonight has to offer! I am going to hit this Indian joint and have something to eat first, I am so hooked with Sushi, Indian, Ethiopian and Thai food! They got some good stuff man!

"Excuse me Mad Cabbie, what's a good night for a DC cabbie? $200? $300? $400? Do you know there are people who drop that kind of cash just to go out and dine! Don't you ever talk about making shit load of money driving a stupid cab you looser!"

Come on man! Why are you busting my balls? I am trying to live in my own little world! I don't care what other people make and spend! You believe this Jackass trying to ruin my night?

Please don't forget the homeless,

mad Cabbie.

THE BIKE MESSENGER WITH A GOLDEN DICK

From time to time we get these delivery runs in the middle of the night all over the city. Delivery run means when a customer wants something picked up like cigarettes, prescriptions, food, condoms or whatever legal item and have it delivered by one of us retards and don't mind paying $27 plus cost of goods for the service. I like doing that shit, it's the easiest $27 you can make without robbing someone.

This Russian dude was about five foot nothing, muscular build and was standing half naked in front of his townhouse to greet me and receive the cigarettes he wanted to be delivered. The door was was slightly open and I can see table full of alcohol drinks, two hot chics, one of them standing topless and the other barley clothed lying on the couch. I have done this job quit a few times before and each time I go to this place he's always partying with different girls.

Being a nosey person that I am, last night I had to say something and I asked, "Dude, either you have shit load of cash, or tone of coke in your basement man! What's up with all these naked chics every time I come here bro?" He gave me that devilish Vladimir Putin smile and with a thick Russian accent he said "My brother, I am just a poor bike messenger trying to enjoy life in America!" He handed me my cash and slammed the door on my face while I was trying to take a good look at the topless chic. JACKASS!!!

He has no money, no coke and that leads me to believe that his dick is made of gold.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

HONEST OPINION.

This drunk kid got in to my cab last night and asked me how long I've been driving a cab and I told him almost twenty years! He replied by saying "No offense but you are such a looser dude!"

I took that clown extra long way to his destination in Alexandaria. I think I drove through PG county Maryland across the Wilson bridge in to Virginia, it's like going to Europe through South America. Who is the looser now motherfucker?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

WHAT TO TIP A CABBIE.

Hi Mad Cabbie- I just discovered your blog and I love it! I am working my way through the archives, and you have some great stories.

I frequently take cabs in DC, and one thing I've always been curious about that I am wondering if you mind clarifying. Do drivers get a cut of the cab fare at all? Also what is considered an acceptable tip? I've been told rounding up the fare and adding a dollar is ok, also I have been told to tip 15-20% like you would in a restaurant.

Thanks for any input on the matter!

Meg

Thanks Meg for enjoying my work! My vocabulary adds up to be about fifty words, maybe sixty three on a good day. So when someone like yourself appreciates my third grade level writing, it makes me feel good.

Meg, I can only speak for DC cabs, so to answer your question: 100% of the cab fare goes to the driver! That doesn't mean the full fare adds up to be a take home income for us. Like any business we have expenses! We pay for gas, taxicab insurance, dispatch fees, car repairs, car washes, license fees, schedule C income tax, inspection station bribes, hookers and the list goes on and on. I say if we're lucky we take home about 60 cents for every dollar we collect from cab fares.

Tipping your cabbie is usually like you said, people round up the fare and add a dollar if the fare is $10 or less. 10-20% is pretty typical assuming that the driver is skilled and friendly, driving a clean cab. If a driver is a complete jerk off and smells like a pig or smells like a typical DC Yellow Cab driver, you should ask for a refund and an apology letter.

I make great tips most of the time because I know my craft well, I know how to bull-shit and I also give great foot rubs. I can take you to any shithole address in Washington DC and no GPS necessary. I can take you places where you can get the best weed east of the Mississippi that may get you stoned until the November elections.

In a nutshell, tipping is usually up to the passenger's wallet and up to an informed driver willing to put in that extra effort to make the customer happy. I hope I answered your question Meg!

Please don't forget the homeless like Fenty did,

Mad Cabbie.

THIS IS INSANE.

Over the years people leave all kind of crap in the back seat of my taxicab. Cell-phones, cameras, cash, credit cards, passports, umbrellas, jackets, books, divorce papers, vibrators, dildos, you name it and I have found all kind of scary shit that my passengers leave behind. I thought nothing will ever surprise me that I will discover in my cab because I have seen it all. But how the hell that an American University chick managed to forget her left flip-flop without realizing that she walked to her dorm wearing only one shoe? How fucked up could she be? I bet her parents are so proud some where in Minessota that their daughter is in the nations capital pursuing higher learning.

By the way I gave that flip-flop to big fat Paul, he is one of the drivers who is in to women feet and shoes. I know he's going to take that size 7 flip-flop to his basement and do some filthy shit to it.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

SENIOR SITTING NIGHT.

A call girl I know called me last night while I was hacking and asked me to come to her apartment and be with her grandmother for a couple hours. I have known Steph for years and she is a great person, great friend and no benefits. I will do anything for her especially when she promised a hundred bill for my troubles.

Her grandmom is here in town for some kind of medical treatment at NIH and staying with Steph for few days. The old lady doesn't sleep well at night and Steph had to take care of well paying out of state client last night, so here comes Mad Cabbie for the rescue.

When Steph introduced me to her granny I saw fear in the poor old lady's eyes. It's like she have never seen a black dude before. She's from the woods outside Boston, I think the place is called "noblacksville" or some shit like that. Lucky for her I cut my hair, I used to look like a bad ass motherfucker who stab babies for a living, now I am just a tall retard.

Steph was gone for couple of hours, the first hour the old lady was scared to death she didn't say much but just kept asking me how I knew her granddaughter. By the time Steph came back that old bitch was so loose she was sitting on my lap and laughing.

Steph walked me to the lobby and mentioned that she haven't seen her grandma laugh like that in a long time and that made me feel real good. She thanked me, gave me a kiss and slipped some cash in my shirt pocket and I left. I didn't count the cash until I got in my cab, it was a cool $150 for two hours work!

God bless her because I was struggling to make some cash on the street. Believe me if Mad Cabbie is having a hard time making money, that means it's really bad out there. Besides that, our regular night dispatcher Robby wasn't on the deck, just hearing his voice makes me want to work. Instead, right-wing James the ultra conservative black man was dispatching. He is so boring and doesn't know how to dispatch. So I usually turn off the radio and look for drunks off the streets. I heard he was the only black dude who attended Glenn "the clown" Beck's white trash gathering at the Lincoln Memorial!

"Fuck you! Mad Cabbie, who you calling white trash, boy? I am a whip your ass nigger! Glenn Beck is our Moses and he is going to free us from being slaves for the lift-wing elites and take us in to the promise-land across the reflecting pool to our White House tea party in 2012! I know your cab number motherfucker, you better watch your back!"

What ever dude, isn't Glenn Beck supposed to go blind or something? What the fuck is he doing at the Lincoln Memorial? And how the fuck this blog entry go from baby sitting an old fossil to a word match with a Glenn Beck fan?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

GO VINCE GO!

Lets get that bald-head retard out of office on September 14th!

Who needs a mayor that rumored to bitch-slaps his wife every now and then? Who needs a mayor who gives no-bid contracts to his posses worth $84mill?

VOTE VINCE GRAY!

Fenty forgot the homeless but we didn't!

Mad Cabbie.

FEW STEPS TO THE OFFICE.

It used to take me about 35 minutes to come to work when I lived in Maryland, coming to work wasn't bad but going back home was painful sometimes, especially when I was tired. Now all I have to do is just go downstairs and pick up my first drunk from the bar across the street.

The other night I picked this dude just right around the corner from where I live. The very second he sat in my cab I smelt a combination of odor of vomit, fresh shit and a Tommy Hilfiger cologne.

MAD: "Dude, I hope you're going home, you smell like shit!"
GUY: "Sorry man I had too many to drink, I had to evacuate few pints!"
MAD: "Where to?"
GUY: "Take me to 3883 Connecticut Ave, that's my girl's apartment."
MAD: "I bet she can't wait to see you!"

After a couple of minutes I just couldn't take the smell anymore and I had to turn off the air-conditioner and roll up all the windows and let the hot and humid outside air circulate. My head was sticking outside the window like an excited dog while I was driving at the same time and the smelly jackass was on the phone telling his lucky sweetheart that he's only ten minutes away.

Right after I dropped the motherfucker, I drove up to the Exxon at Connecticut and Nebraska to buy an odor fighting spray. As soon as I pull up, the driver of Diamond 282 was coming out of the store and walking towards my cab to say hi. Cab 282 "Tom" is fast talking Jamaican who is a very good night hustler.

TOM: "What's up Mad...Oh Jesus you smell like SHIT!"
MAD: "But Tom...
TOM: "What's the matter with you MAAN?"
MAD: "Listen...
TOM: "Don't tell me to listen MAAN, you need to wipe your ass MOTHAFAKKA!"
MAD: "You don't understand....
TOM: "Yes I don't understand how you torture passengers with that funky smell!"

Tom ran to his cab without giving me a chance to explain myself and drove off. Next time I see that motherfucker I am going to bitch-slap his Jamaican ass! How dare he accuses me of shitting in my cab?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

BACK TO MY ROOTS.

In 1996 I thought I was getting married so I rented out my apartment in DC and bought a crib in Maryland to start a family. That marriage didn't materialize and I lived in Columbia Maryland alone until the end of last month. I managed to sell it and moved back to my place in DC! It feels good to be back home on 17th street in Dupont!

I love my building man, we have faggots, dykes, chicks with dicks, guys with no dicks, niggers, crackers, crackheads, ragheads, politicians with no heads, spiks, kikes, chinks, greaseballs and you name it all, we have everyone represented in my building. It's like the true Americana, the melting crack-pipe!

"You coming back in nine months and what's up with all these hate words Mad Cabbie?"

Just chill dude! and don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.