COLUMBIA HEIGHTS METRO ALERT

Last night around midnight I was picking my nose while sitting at a red light at 14th and Irving when a distressed young woman banged on the passenger side window so I can let her in. When she got off the metro and walked few blocks towards 11th and Kenyon where she lived, and half way home couple of guys one of them holding a knife tried to rob her. She managed to run away from them until she found me. This poor soul was crying, moaning, farting and everything.

I suggested we call the cops so she can give them description of the thugs but all she wanted was to go home, didn't want to deal with the scare at all. The only thing she noticed was that they were couple of black guys, actually she was polite she said "African American gentlemen".

I gave her a free ride home which was only about four blocks so don't pat me on the back for that bone. I walked her to the basement of some row house and let her in safely. There have been all kind of muggings going on in Columbia heights while the cops are chilling at that 7-11 on 14th and Columbia. If you are especially a female walking home alone from the metro during those hours, use extra care please. I don't want to read about you on the metro section of the post.

In the mean time if you see two black guys in Columbia Heights, let me know will you?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

AVERAGE LOOKING WHITE MAN

Hey Mad DC Cabbie, How are you? and sorry about your loss.

I need help MC,

Where can an average looking professional Caucasian man in his early forties like myself can hang out and meet decent women in the Washington area. You are a man of wealth of information, so help a brother out. You can call me at 240-***-**** if you want.

J.D

Onley, MD

P.S race is not an issue with me, I love them all.

I feel your pain J.D, just living in Olney, Maryland has to be a daily torture by itself. I assume an average looking Caucasian man means you're fat and bolding white dude, but that's okay my friend! There is enough love in Washington for everyone to spread around.

I recommend Bambule at 5225 Wisconsin avenue in Friendship Heights. It's a small night club that plays lot of bad music, the owner who is a Persian man in his sixties is also a wannabe DJ sometimes. But who cares about the freaken music? You want to get laid or meet your future bride. This place is full of women from all over the world but very few black chics if you are in to a little jungle fever.

I use to call this joint the "Olga" club because every Russian chic you meet there is named Olga. There are quite a few "Green Card" hunters looking for their American prince to marry them, so pretty much all you need to be is an American who can breath on his own if you are in to that game. There are local American women as well and most of them with their biological clocks ticking so high it's hard to listen to the bad music they play in that joint.

Any how, J.D Check out this meet market on a weekend, dress nicely and be yourself. Ask as many women as possible to dance with you, it will pay off finally. Don't worry about your dancing skills, nobody cares! Trust me you won't be disappointed.

Please write about your experience and I will post it and by the way, I must warn you in advance that most of the women out there are kind of old. I think the average age of the chics is like 29 or something.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

LET'S GET SHITFACED CABBIE!

I really wasn't feeling it last night. I was in no mood to work, it was just one of those nights where you don't feel like doing shit. At the same time staying home alone wasn't an option at all. I called my friend Pastor Joe so we can hang out but he was too busy with those biker chics and told me to fuck off.

I dragged my ass off to work but I first stopped by the BUNKER to say hi and talk to some friends but there was no one there that I knew very well. I talked to a couple of hookers that I haven't seen in a long time, they didn't like my new hair cut and told me to get lost. I got out of the BUNKER and started to cruise, and here comes my first customer!

GUY: Take me to the nearest establishment where alcohol is served!
ME: There is one across the street. Pointing at the Hawk and Dove bar
GUY: Fuck that place! There is nothing but a bunch of Capitol Hill faggets in there!
ME: You are in a good mood tonight!
GUY: Fuck it, take me to Georgetown I want get drunk tonight.
ME: Why Would you wanna get shitfaced on a Sunday night?
Guy: That bitch embarrassed me in front of our fiends!
ME: Which bitch?
GUY: Girlfriend of four years didn't want to accept this $4000 ring, can you believe this shit?
ME: I hope you can get your money back dude!
GUY: Fuck her and her friends I am going to get drunk, my pussy ass friends didn't want to come with me. You want to hang out have drinks with me cabbie? Are you at the end of your shift?

I have been offered to have drinks with my passengers few times but never once took on the offer but last night I was looking for an excuse not to work and I found it. I parked my sorry ass cab and joined my distraught passenger at Mr Smith's in Georgetown. I haven't had a drink in at least seven months or so, and the first beer I killed gave me a buzz and my man was taking shots after shots.

Mr M is a guy in his mid thirties who worked for some foreign news organization, extremely smart but a loud mouth, the motherfucker was even too loud for me. He said that his girl insisted on getting married for the last two years or so but he was setting up the right moment and time until last night. When he proposed to her at this small restaurant in Capitol Hill in front a few friends, she jumped out her seat and run to the bathroom and locked herself out until her friends begged her and and got her out there. She cried and declined the offer and played "It's not you, it's me!" bullshit and left the restaurant with her friends.

We hit couple of more bars with my new heartbroken friend and there I ran in to this girl I knew and haven't seen in a while. We had volunteered together few years ago until she found a new job and moved away to Rwanda. I used to have the hots for her, we made out couple of times but there was some dude she dated at the time so it didn't go anywhere. I kind of sensed she was happy to see me again so I gave her my number, kissed her on the cheek and said good-bye. At the same time the jackass I am with was completely shitfaced and was getting out of control so before he embarrassed me I payed the bill and dragged him out of the bar.

After a back and forth argument telling him he needs to go home and sleep it off, finally we got to in cab and instructed our Ethiopian cabbie to take us to 15th and P to drop off my friend first and drive me to my mom's house just couple of miles from the District line in Maryland. That way it would be easy for me to wake up in the morning and pick up my cab from M street at 7am before they start towing. Thanks for that Ethiopian cabbie, he helped me carry my new friend to his door, we made sure he got his drunk ass in the house and we took off. When I told the story to my Ethiopian cabbie he laughed his ass off! He said he has been driving a cab for over 25 years but never got drunk with his passengers.

It turned out to be a good night for me! I ended up not working, and thanks to Mr M because of him I met that girl I used to like and I hope she calls. As for Mr M, I don't think the night was according to his plan. Instead of sealing the deal with his future bride he ended up getting wasted with some dumbass cabdriver.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

THE VIEW

Here are couple of ex Mujaheddin DC cab drivers taking a break and reminiscing about their rocket propelled grenade days at the Exxon station located in front of the Ritz Carlton on 22nd street. This Exxon is the new hot spot for DC cabbies and I am pretty sure the lucky guests at the Ritz are thrilled about the view from their expensive hotel rooms.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

ROBBY THE DISPATCHER

"Cab 425! Just go run the freaking job man! you can text me if you get shot!"

Robby the dispatcher's response to a cabbie who complained about a call that goes to a crack central in southeast DC. Diamond Cab Company! We are one big happy family.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

THE MIDNIGHT CALL

God bless his soul, my dad was a big ABC's "Night Line" fan, thanks to Ted Koppel.Even after some Indian dude with a bad British accent took over the show my parents still watched it from bed at the end of the night. As soon as the show signs off, that's when the midnight call from my mother comes my way and it's always the same conversation.

MOM: Hello Mad, are you at work yet?
ME: Yes mom, how are you?
MOM: Did you have something to eat?
ME: Yes mom!
MOM: Did you rest well?
ME: Yes mom!
MOM: Did you pray for your safety tonight? (Mom is a die-hard Catholic)
ME: Yes mom!
MOM: Please don't pick up bad people!
ME: I will try not to mom!
MOM: I love you! Say good night to your father, I will put him on the phone...

...and it is still the same conversation, same time, but no "say good night to your father!" anymore.

God I miss my dad!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

THE STALKERS

My first pick up of the night from Robby the dispatcher was at the Kennedy Warren, pricey apartments on Connecticut avenue overlooking the Rock Creek Pkwy. Tall skinny white dude rushed out of the lobby and got in to my cab and wanted to do round trip to Glover Park. Normally when people request a round trip that means they're shopping for drugs. Glover Park by no means is the drug hot spot of Washington DC, the only thing I know about that neighborhood is that the majority of DC alcoholics live there.

The guy came clean and told me that he wanted to spy on his girlfriend because he is convinced that she is cheating on him. She was supposed to be in her bed early, at least that was what she told him couple of hours ago. He got tipped off by one of his friends that she was being cozy with some dude at a bar in Bethesda so he wanted to confront her when she comes back to her apartment.

I pulled over at the corner of 39th and Benton around 12:30am with my romantically crushed passenger, and about half an hour into my stalking mission I told him that the meter is going to cap out at $19.00 (DC LAW) for a local trips and I am not going to wait and sit on my ass for the pathetic $15 an hour waiting time! So I negotiated a decent hourly rate and started to stare at my windshield.

I kept asking "You are not going to hurt her are you?" but I knew he wouldn't, if he did I don't think he would have shown up at a potential crime scene with a dumb ass cab driver as a witness. I got hungry all of sudden and I took out my brown bag and started eating one of my corn beef sandwich and offered him the other, and the motherfucker was more hungry than I was. We started talking about relationships and the abundance of single women in DC and when I suggested to him that he should leave her alone and start dating other girls, the conversation went silent. My man is in love he didn't want to hear none of my Dr Phil shit.

It was almost two in the morning and our subject didn't show up at all, her cell phone was turned off when he tried to call her for the 100th time. I told him we need to get the fuck out of there when the same DC cop stared at us for the second time while he was making his rounds. He had no choice but to pay me and be left in the dark or to take the painful ride back to his expensive apartment. We both knew that his girl was banging some douchebag at that very moment.

It was a sad and quiet short ride and we pulled up to his driveway after our two hour failed mission, I got paid and wished him well! My next fare was a voucher call from a psychiatric institution on Wisconsin avenue, some nut-case and his accompanying nurse going to the ER at Sibley hospital! Who said cab driving is not intellectually stimulating?

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

MAD! IS SHE HOT?

I have been working like crazy! I am like those Pakistani drivers who carry empty milk containers to relieve themselves cause there is no fucken time to make a bathroom stop. Business is good, people don't have cash to take exotic trips instead they get fucked up at local bars and take cabs home.

I was running those kind of bullshit jobs until Ali the concierge from one of the top Washington hotels gave me a call last night. Whenever this motherfucker is on the phone it's always been a challenging task for me. He normally gives out the good lucrative easy hooker runs to his Iranian buddies. The only time he calls me is when the guest requests like a hooker with three tits, a chic with a size 14 feet or some odd ass shit like that.

ALI: Hey Mad Cabbie how are you? Sorry about your dad man!
ME: What the fuck you want Ali? I am busy.
ALI: You are going to make some cash tonight Mad!
ME: I am listening, I know your Iranian clowns couldn't make it happen!
ALI: It's Persian asshole! PERSIAN!!!
ME: What ever dude, what can I do for you Mr nuclear program?
ALI: How soon can you get Tammy at the hotel lobby?

Tammy is a transvestite call girl I got to know through my friend Mr Hook. I negotiated a nice finders fee for myself and I made a quick phone call to Mr Hook. Bad news and good news! Tammy wasn't available but another hot tranny called Alexis was on call. I called Ali and informed him about the change of plan and much higher rate for Ms Alexis.

"Mad! money is no object for this guest, just bring her in ASAP! Make sure you don't drag in some guy with a mustache wearing a dress, like you did three years ago motherfucker! I hope she/he is hot! Is she? Is she? What the fuck you mean you haven't seen her yet?"

I delivered Alexis in less than an hour, thanks to Mr Hook's last minute hustling. Transvestite escort girls are very hard to come by in Washington DC and you better have a thick wallet to have a real convincing hot chic looking transvestite like Alexis. I got paid handsomely on this run, I can't write much about Alexis because she didn't say much on the way to the hotel.

I think I got my game shoes on now! I am back for real.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

WHERE IS THE LOVE BRUCE?

Bruce you did a nice job reporting and exposing the DC inspection station bribe operation. But your story should have begun like this, "After being alarmed by Mad Cabbie's blog dated March 31st 2008, Channel 9 News started investigating......"

I know your inside guys started taking pictures of those ashtrays full of bribe cash in May of last year a month after the Mad Cabbie team reported it.

"Mad what the fuck you want from Bruce Johnson? You're just full of it! Bruce doesn't even know your pathetic ass exists!"

Bruce knows I exist and I know he reads this blog too, we even had other small chit-chats in my cab quite a few times before. He likes talking to his drivers and he is a very big tipper, he is not a stuck up asshole like Channel 4's Jim Vance! By the way what's up with Jim Vance and his earring? Isn't he like 90 years old? Old fart trying to be cool!

All I am saying is Bruce should have given this blog a shout-out, my fans and I would have been proud. I might be wrong but I feel that my post about the DC inspection station inspectors special relationship with corrupt cab drivers was the initial source of his investigative report.

By the way, Dear Taxi Cab Commissioner Leon Swain Jr, I know you used to be a police officer bla bla bla and you want to investigate and get to the bottom of this, but let DMV do their own shit and fire those clowns and prosecute them and the guilty cab drivers! How about cleaning up your own office first? How hundreds of cab drivers got their taxi identification cards? I smell rats!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

P.S For some reason I couldn't upload The Channel 9 video but here is the link:

http://www.wusa9.com/video/default.aspx?maven_playerId=articleplayer&maven_referralPlaylistId=playlist&maven_referralObject=1087016190

HASSAN.

I think my old man is looking out for me from were ever he is it was amazing what happened last Thursday. Like I told you guys, both my registration and my inspection sticker have expired and my first stop was at the inspection station. For those of you who are not familiar with the DC motor vehicle inspection, it is the last place you want to be! Especially for cabs, I don't care if you take a brand new vehicle, they will find an unwritten rule to fail your ass. Don't forget some of the inspectors are used to getting bribes from cabbies and I remember few years ago one of the porters came to my window and told me that if I handed him a fifty dollar bill he will get one of his boys inside have me pass with flying colors, but I told him to go fuck himself and I was too loud too.

I tell you, this has to be a record! When I pulled up at the inspection station line it was 11:30 and by the time I passed the inspection, rushed to the DMV and got a new registration it was 1:10pm. What I encountered at the DMV was shocking, first of all the person who waited on me was a hot black chic, they never have hot chics at DC DMV, usually they are big ass mean looking women who could bitch slap you at any given moment. Second she said HELLO to me! Normally it's the "what the fuck do you want?" look and third she smiled and asked if I wanted a 1 year or a 2 year registration? WHAT? They never do a two year registration for cabs! For some silly reason we have to go over this shit every single year. I thought she was making a mistake but never hesitated to get the 2 year registration. As soon as I paid her and got my 2 year registration card, I dashed out of the building like a mental patient because I was afraid that she might realize her mistake and have the security guard stop my ass.

I was running down M street SW when Hassan an old time driver and fleet owner at Diamond Cab Company stopped me and asked me why am I running and sweating my ass off? and I said "Hassan I got to go man, I think DMV issued me a 2 year registration by mistake! I got to split, have a nice day old man!" Hassan shook his head in disgust and said "You stupid idiot! They have been issuing multi-year registration for cabs for almost a year now you dumb ass! You are getting dumber and dumber every time I see you. All cab drivers are STUPID! Finally you cut your stupid hair and now you look like a sissy ass boy! and when are you going to quit cab driving?" And he kept on going the opposite direction laughing and yelling to himself.

Hassan is a Syrian man in his mid sixty's, he's been driving a cab for forty years and he is the loudest person you can ever meet. He also have a bunch of cabs that he rents out so he deals with a lot of drivers. He's daily mantra is always "Cab drivers are the most stupid people on this planet!" and you can never satisfy this guy. First time I met Hassan years and years ago and when I told him I left a good paying job at NOAA to be a cab driver, even though we just met for the first time he didn't back out to call my then fragile ass the king of all stupids. I really wanted to kick his ass but later I found out that he calls everyone in the fleet stupid. One thing I will never forget is that when I suggested to him that my cab driving is temporary gig for a few month until I move on to something else, he laughed his ass off and said that I will die as an old cab driver inside my cab holding my steering wheel. Now every time this motherfucker sees me for the last eighteen years the first thing out of his mouth is "When are you going to quit driving a cab asshole?" Man I Love Hassan!

I sat in my cab for a while to catch my breath staring at my new registration card and said to myself, "Maybe Hassan is right after all, am I going to do something else after all these years?" Who gives a shit now! I got my meal ticket for another two years so I have couple years to think about my dynamic career.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

THANK YOU.

I really thank everyone sincerely for the condolences and the nice words that you left on my last post. I am quite surprised that some of you are still checking up on me after six months of my absence. So now I feel like I am in debt to you guys to get my ass to work and post some interesting stuff and I will do so.

Thank you to the lovely Ms Red (Few months ago I saw you flying down 90mph on Rockville Pike while I was listening to the radio about a bank robbery in progress and I felt like giving out your description to the cops), Bill Harshaw, Thruhike98, Sarah, Alex Mullineaux, Qbubbles, Silver Spring Penguin, Peggy's Mom (I heard she is a gangsta now in her new Petworth neighborhood!) VM,JC, Petunia (all away from Africa), Peggy (Scottish Chic pretending to be an American), My man John (cheers mate!), Diedra Michelle (Good luck honey! Hang in there!), Moi, Diamond 888 (The night hustler), Officer L (Fine DC police officer who doesn't pay his gambling debt! Where is my money BITCH!!!) and all of the anonymous fans who had nice words to say.

And special thanks for the shout out to my peeps at DCBLOGS and FAMOUSDC.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

THE CHAMP IS GONE.

Last September while reading his Sunday paper my dad felt kind of dizzy and checked in a hospital. After a short battle with cancer on March 4th around 9:08pm with all his children by his side, my father passed away peacefully at home few minutes after he asked us to play one of Wes Montgomery's CD.

The last six month was sad and sweet for me. I spent every single day with him crying, laughing and rewinding our lives. I think it was the most unforgettable time of my life and I am hoping that I come out as a much better individual out of this experience.

I don't know, it is still kind of painful to talk about this and maybe I will write some kind of tribute to my dad in the future. I am not even sure if anyone is reading this blog anymore, it's been so long since I posted we even have a new president in the White House. I haven't worked in six month I think my savings is down to $4 or some shit so I need to get back to work real quick. Unfortunately I got all kind of stuff that are expired! My taxi registration and my inspection sticker are both no good, that means I have to deal with those clowns downtown first thing in the morning. GOOD LUCK!!!

I am hoping to get back on the street by Saturday night, life goes on I guess!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.