MAN IN RED

When this guy with a dark suit wearing a red cowboy boots tried to flag me down around 7th and Constitution, I didn't know whether to stop for him or run over his ass. But I thought he may be one of those new tea-party member of congress and I didn't want to be charged with a federal offense if I did.

I was like "What's up with those red boots dude?" and with out saying anything he gave me the "What the fuck do you know about fashion you retard? Red boots are in!" look. Can someone please tell me if guys red boots are really in ? Because I still have my early eighty's flash dance ankle-top red boots stashed away somewhere.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie

THE HOT BLACK CHIC

Few nights ago a hot black chic got in to my cab and the first words that came out of her mouth was, "Do you like to snuggle after sex?" That was a very strange question to ask a person you just met. This girl was pretty, smoking body and smelled real good. I said to my dumb self, "Mad Cabbie, finally after twenty years of hacking some hot chic wanna fuck you and she wants to make sure if you like to snuggle after sex!" and I didn't know what it was but something hard in my pants shifted from left to right.

Generally cab drivers we are chronic bullshitters, every cab driver has stories about a fare that ends up in a room at the Mayflower with a hot blond, a blow job in front of some chic's driveway or being a boy toy to an old widowed millionaire. Maybe I am way behind in my game but those scenarios never come my way, okay just once! She had few extra pounds though, like three hundred extra pounds! But this time it's a real hottie.

"You are such a looser Mad Cabbie, you disgusting pig!"

Shut up you jackass, can I finish my story please?

I didn't know how to respond to her question, so I answered by asking her the same question that she threw at me about snuggling. Her story was that she just hooked up with this dude after attending the pathetic Washington Wizards basketball game. After they finished having sex the guy buried her under his arm at a point she couldn't breath, and when she begged him to stop, he got annoyed and angry because she didn't like his post-sex snuggle ritual. That's when she ran out of his apartment and jumped in my cab and wanted to know what my preference after sex was and that's when what ever shifted in my pants returned to it's original place.

I dropped her off at her high-rise apartment on Porter street and we said our good-byes. A few minutes later I picked up a Latino kitchen help who accidentally sliced his finger, and I had to drive his bleeding ass to George Washington Hospital ER. He was crying, moaning and holding his dangling finger that was wrapped with a white towel, and I was thinking about that hot black chic. 

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

CASH OR STEAK KNIVES ONLY PLEASE

"Hello Mad Cabbie,

I live in Georgetown and I do quite a lot of business travel. In most major cities the cabs accept credit card and it makes it really convenient for people like myself to use my company's credit account to expense all my travel costs. It really doesn't make any sense that majority of the cabs in one of the most important cities in the world (Washington, DC) don't accept credit cards. I know that there are cost associated with the card readers and commissions to the bank, but at the same time wouldn't be to the drivers interest not to carry a lot of cash and more passenger traffic because of the credit cards? It just doesn't make any business sense not to accept credit card these days! Please explain Mad Cabbie, you probably know somethings I don't.

Your blog rocks man, I thought you stopped writing, it just happened a friend of mine emailed me a link about your new years eve post which was one of your funniest post. Keep on blogging you might end up doing something great out of this blog.

Thanks,

CJ from Georgetown."

Thanks for your email CJ. I am one of those drivers that don't take plastics. In my case just for one reason and one reason only, COST! Majority of my night riders pay me in cash, okay maybe few in food stamps so I really don't want to spend money on equipment, commission and other wireless access fees, I am just a natural born bean counter. But if I drove during the day time and do a lot of airport runs I would definitely have one of those wireless CC scanners.

District of Columbia Taxicab Commission doesn't have a law that enforce taxis to accept credit cards, at least not yet so it's completely up to the driver to accept credit cards or not. Some drivers don't have good credit score and don't want to pay the higher commission rate to the banks, sometimes as high as 8% . The culture of paying cab rides with credit cards in DC is not really catching on yet, so some drivers are waiting until the demand justifies the cost.

People have creative ways paying  for their cab rides. I remember few years ago some dude offered me a set of steak knives he just stole from a store for a ride to Michigan Park and I took on his offer. I gave those same set as a weeding gift a year later. Of course there is that old bullshit story that every cab driver tell, "...she didn't have cash for the fare so I let her give me a blow-job!" That never happened to me so far and it will never will unless she is one toothless crack-head bitch.

CJ, unfortunately for the time being it's not going to be easy finding a DC cabbie that would accept your corporate credit card. Maybe in a couple of years or so but for now you have a better chance of paying for your fare by carrying a set of steak knives in your brief-case.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

THE OTHER SIDE

I was coming back from south-east cruising on Pennsylvania avenue in Capitol Hill when a tall white dude flagged me down. He looked half toasted and his breathing was out of the ordinary, like he just completed a marathon. I asked if was running and he said he was just nervous and scared! Scared? Scared of what?

He told me that he is going to tell his wife that he wants out of the marriage. He has been drinking for the last four hours so he can have the balls to face her when he do so. Mind you it's a little after one in the morning and this clown is going to wake up his poor wife and ask her for a divorce. At the same time I was tuned in to "coast to coast am " on the radio. For those of you who are not familiar with "coast to coast am", it's a radio show that attracts night-shift retards like myself and talks about alien abductions, UFO, secret society, shadow government and shit like that. And last night they had a guest talking about how to learn to talk to dead people if you buy his book, and I was listening attentively.

This dude wouldn't leave me alone, he talked about how he is in love with another chic at his work and can not live without her because they are a match made in heaven. He talked about his wife being pain in the ass and that she is not giving up the pussy as frequently as he liked, as a matter of fact according to his iphone app, in 2010 they fucked only fourteen times!

He wanted my opinion and usually I would say "Are you fucking crazy? you dumb ass! You don't wake your wife up one in the morning and..." but last night I was like "You go boy! Wake that bitch up and...", just to make our conversation short so that I can carry on listening to the radio about the latest technique on how to talk to dead people.

Finally I dropped him off around 28th and Cathedral! He admired my superior advice that I have given him and paid me handsomely. This fair would buy me the book that they have advertised on the radio show, and soon Mad Cabbie will be talking to all kind of dead motherfuckers on the other side!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

PRINCE GEORGE COUNTY

 
Prince George's County is a part of Maryland that borders Washington, DC. It's on its way to be recognized as the murder capital of the United States. I feel sorry for the cabbies who work in that dump, I feel much safer hustling in any DC ghetto than that shit hole they call Prince George's county. In fact I have heard of a PG county cabbie who joined the army and got shipped to Afghanistan just to get away from the violence in Landover.

About a year ago some jackass robbed an Ethiopian cabdriver, shot him in the back of the head, threw him out of the cab, ran over him and left him for dead in Landover. They caught that savage moron driving the murdered Ethiopian cabdriver's taxi the next day. Few months ago he got convicted and got life plus 80 years, I think he well be eligible for parole on his 137th birthday!

As of today there are 11 murders in 2011 already! Brothers are getting out of control man, something needs to be done, somebody! Al Sharpton, why isn't his fat ass marching already?

There is this chic who drives a cab out there in PG county, she's got more balls than I do man, and she has a blog too. Just check her out when you get a chance and let her know how brave she is.

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

APARTHEID DAYS AT DIAMOND

Diamond was, in fact the last company to accept black drivers. As far as I am aware, there were three segregated companies: Yellow, Liberty and Diamond.

When I came to Diamond, the first black American driver was still there, Mr. Alston, #42.

At one point, Jimmy Heffner, who was the rental manager at Yellow drove for Diamond. He told the story how he desegregated Yellow. It seems that this black driver, a retired D.C. Fireman, came there to rent, as they made you rent for a while at Yellow before they would take you as a private owner. The boss told Heffner to make him sit on the bench and tell him that there were no cabs available. This went on for three days until Heffner told the boss that either Heffner was going to give this guy a cab or the boss was going to tell this Fireman that he was not going to get a cab. The boss backed off and told Heffner to give him a cab, then went around there telling everyone that Heffner had pressured him into letting a black guy drive at Yellow. Heffner said that he took quite a bit of grief for that.

I know for a fact that Heffner is dead. Alston is probably, as well. I remember when he left, because he told me that he was taking off time because his health was failing him, but that he hoped to be back. He always had a buffalo nickel in one ear.

Up until 2007, the driver card file was still in the office. Gloria Sartori, who was front desk Secretary from 1947-1989 maintained it. She typed the race of each driver onto a card and put it into the file. She would type 'Nigerian' for any black African (if you want to make a Ghanaian or a Sierra Leonian angry, call him a 'Nigerian'). She would type 'Arabic' for any middle Easterner, even Persians or Afghans (if you want to make a Persian angry, call him an 'Arab'). Pakistanis and east Indians were 'Hindu', black Americans were 'Negro' and white Americans were 'White' or 'Caucasian' as were some of recent European origin, although some of those were identified by the country of their birth. The file was still there in 2007, although I have no idea if it is still there. The first driver to get the designation 'Nigerian', Mr. Bernard Obi, cab #658, is still at Diamond.
I do not know from where Mr. Obi comes.

P.S Mr Obi is from Ghana.

This post is written by Phil the Dispatcher,
copy and pasted (stolen) by Mad Cabbie.

Thanks Phil, and don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

2011 PREDICTIONS

Few days ago Pat "the phony" Robertson predicted that the United States will go bankrupt in two years! Back in the days he once predicted that Jesus Christ would come back by the end of 1982. In 1982 while my high school buddies were getting stoned and having fun, I was waiting for Jesus at the corner of River Rd and Wilson Lane, and guess what? Jesus was a no-show! Pat, thanks for nothing you jackass, that whole year I deprived myself from jerking-off because I was paranoid that Jesus may knock on my bathroom door! I am not going to fall for your bullshit anymore you freak!

Let me tell you my predictions for 2011,

Pat Robinson and a former Washington DC high level official both will come out of the closet after being caught with transvestite hookers! The balance sheet of the United States will improve and by the end of this year the economy will generate two million more new jobs! How do you like that Mr. 700 Club?

Let me visit the bathroom and take care of business real quick now, and don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

NEW YEARS EVE PARTY

I got to the Bunker few minutes after midnight and I met Pastor Joe and "Wheel Chair Jerrome" smoking cigarettes outside. You all know my best and dysfunctional friend Pastor Joe, there is no need to introduce him. My man Jerrome is an old friend and a computer geek on a wheel chair for the last fifteen years. The story goes that some pissed off nigger shot his ass when he found out that Jerrome was fucking his woman and his sister. That ended  Jerrome's famous break dancing skill for good because Jerrome ended up being paralyzed from the waist down. If you ask me, that's the best thing that has ever happened to Jerrome because he was extremely smart but a no good motherfucker who was going to end up dead or locked up in prison. Instead he decided to go to college and earn a couple of degrees and now he is in to network security field and making a good living.

I left those clowns outside and proceeded to the shady ass entrance of the Bunker. I knocked on the door and Al the bouncer let me in after he yelled at me for the reason I didn't know, when Al gets drunk no one understands what the fuck he says, so I just high fived him and moved on inside the social club!

The Bunker is a hidden place in the middle of nowhere where the night owls meet, like the bartenders after they close their bars, where hookers stop by between their tricks, where dancers go after they're done with their gigs and where some of DC's shady ass characters assemble. Don't try to google this joint, you won't find it, it's like a members only country club for creepy ass motherfuckers. Last call in this joint is when the fucken sun rises and drinks are technically free you just have to make a reasonable donation for this dump's historic site preservation fund.

The place was packed and more people were pouring in. I met friends I haven't seen for years, I was happy to see Andre, a Russian dude who did time for few years for pretending to be an immigration lawyer. I remember few years back I drove couple of Russian immigrants to his office, I thought he was a real lawyer, even though he was sharing an office space next to a used tire shop, that didn't alarm me at all. Andre said prison wasn't that bad, he killed time by reading hate mails from some of his deported Russian clients in Moscow.

As soon I was getting comfortable Pastor Joe dragged my ass outside so that we can carry Jerrome and his wheelchair in the club since the fucken death trap establishment is not wheelchair accessible. Jerrome looked like a proud Egyptian King Tut carried by two retards when he made his grand entry to the club, it was a pretty funny scene. Then I run into Fred who was rushing to get out of there and I said, "What the fuck Fred, the party just started, where the fuck are you going?" He said "I got to roll Mad Cabbie, I have a car hooked up on my tow truck and I have to drop it at the lot, happy new year motherfucker! and don't worry I will be back later on" and he rushed out. Later I learned that he repossessed a jeep earlier in southwest and just stopped by the club to pick up some weeds. Talking about weeds, there was this dude wearing a Santa hat walking around with a small diaper bag full of weeds and passing them out like cookies, that place was wicked man!

I described these people because unfortunately we all ended up in the same pickup truck when the party came to an end. It was a great party, everyone had a good time and everything went without a glitch until it was time to go and the nephew with a van that supposed to pick up Wheelchair Jerrome didn't show up because it overheated! The area we were at, let alone wheelchair accessible cabs, even cops don't show up if you cry out for help so we need to do quick thinking to transport Jerrome. Fred was climbing on his pickup truck (came back with the pickup truck after he dropped off the tow-truck) and I had to beg him for a  ride after I explained our situation with Jerrome. To my surprise Fred agreed to give us a ride! Wheelchair Jerrome lives all way out in Virginia off the Dulles toll road to be near his work, he pretty much wheel himself to his office. So that was really nice of Fred to do that for us, he even refused to accept gas money.

Fred had his girlfriend and another chic sat in the front with him. The rest of us sorry ass drunks, Pastor Joe, Russian Andre, Wheelchair Jerrome and I sat outside on the bed of the truck! Boy it was freaken cold and we looked like fucken migrant farm workers huddled up and holding tight to that wheelchair so that Jerrome don't fly his crippled ass all over route 66 west.

The forty minutes trip felt like forty days, everyone that passed us on the road were laughing their asses off! Even couple of Virgina State Police couldn't stop laughing when they saw us at the toll both. Finally we got to Jerrome's place, threw his drunk ass on his bed and we took off. Fred was nice enough to drop us off in DuPont and he moved along in to PG county Maryland with his ladies to enjoy that weed he stashed at home.

Andre, Pastor and I, three fucking frozen losers with no women on a new years morning, walked to my apartment and crashed! But you know what? It is going to be a GREAT year, I am feeling it!

Please don't forget the homeless,

Mad Cabbie.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

May you get laid more this year everyone!

My new year's resolution this year is to write at least 100 posts. I am sorry that last year was a disaster, I didn't take the loss of my father very lightly, I was a mess and I was in no mode writing so I took on drinking instead!

"Mad you need some help man, I think you are becoming an alcoholic and you may be a danger to the riding public!"

Shut up man! I don't need help, I need more of that contraband high shelf liquor I have been getting from my man Ghost.

We welcome our new Mayor of the District of Columbia Mr Vincent Gray and sir please don't forget what you promised, a fare and reasonable pay  for DC cab drivers, and Mr Fenty, don't let that door hit your skinny ass you lying schmuck! I really regret that I knocked on doors for you in ward 7 and 8 when you ran for the office, the hoods that you and some of your cheerleaders scared to go.

Please don't forget the homeless like Mayor Fenty did,

Mad Cabbie