It used to take me about 35 minutes to come to work when I lived in Maryland, coming to work wasn't bad but going back home was painful sometimes, especially when I was tired. Now all I have to do is just go downstairs and pick up my first drunk from the bar across the street.
The other night I picked this dude just right around the corner from where I live. The very second he sat in my cab I smelt a combination of odor of vomit, fresh shit and a Tommy Hilfiger cologne.
MAD: "Dude, I hope you're going home, you smell like shit!"
GUY: "Sorry man I had too many to drink, I had to evacuate few pints!"
MAD: "Where to?"
GUY: "Take me to 3883 Connecticut Ave, that's my girl's apartment."
MAD: "I bet she can't wait to see you!"
After a couple of minutes I just couldn't take the smell anymore and I had to turn off the air-conditioner and roll up all the windows and let the hot and humid outside air circulate. My head was sticking outside the window like an excited dog while I was driving at the same time and the smelly jackass was on the phone telling his lucky sweetheart that he's only ten minutes away.
Right after I dropped the motherfucker, I drove up to the Exxon at Connecticut and Nebraska to buy an odor fighting spray. As soon as I pull up, the driver of Diamond 282 was coming out of the store and walking towards my cab to say hi. Cab 282 "Tom" is fast talking Jamaican who is a very good night hustler.
TOM: "What's up Mad...Oh Jesus you smell like SHIT!"
MAD: "But Tom...
TOM: "What's the matter with you MAAN?"
MAD: "Listen...
TOM: "Don't tell me to listen MAAN, you need to wipe your ass MOTHAFAKKA!"
MAD: "You don't understand....
TOM: "Yes I don't understand how you torture passengers with that funky smell!"
Tom ran to his cab without giving me a chance to explain myself and drove off. Next time I see that motherfucker I am going to bitch-slap his Jamaican ass! How dare he accuses me of shitting in my cab?
Please don't forget the homeless,
Mad Cabbie.
