CUT THE CHEESE

"Cut the cheese motherfucker, unless you want a homicide in this joint!"

It was the option presented to me when I was robbed at gunpoint around 10th and G street NE about ten years ago. That was the good old days, before they start selling houses for $800,000 in this dump.

EARTH CALLING LIPSTICK LESBIANS

In every guy's fantasy, on top of the list is having sex with two girls, I think you guys out there agree with me on this one. I kind of have my own little fantasy of two hot chicks making out in my back seat and being invited to their apartment and fuck our brains out. The chance of that happening? ZERO.

The lesbian women I always drive around in my cab like the one I had last night, all look like boys, in fact one of them was bigger than me, and I am 6' 2" 205lbs, I thought she was a guy until she started telling me where to go. I picked them up at Chadwicks in friendship heights, and they were making out until we got to 8th and Pennsylvania Avenue SE in capitol hill. It was like two dudes kissing and that wasn't appealing to me at all.

Where are those hot lesbians they have on porn movies? Is there anything called a lipstick lesbian? Do they exist in real life? If they do, I have never seen one. YET!

IDENTITY

People don't know what to make out of me. I have been asked if I was Latino, Persian, Arab, Ethiopian, Indian, Native American and you name it, everyone thinks I am from some where afar, all I know is I was born at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Washington DC to an African American army sergeant father and to a German music teacher mother. Grew up all over the world and we settled back in Washington after my father left the military. We lived in a middle class, nice black neighborhood and my mother was probably the only white person in our zip code. I grew up fighting every kid in the block trying to make fun of my mother's accent.

The reason I am telling you all this is to point out how people you know on every day basis could be as fake as any person you meet for the first time in your life.
Last night I picked up this woman down town and I was driving her to her house in Chevy Chase, I have picked her up before, I remembered her because we had an interesting conversation after I told her I was Persian when she asked the boring "Where are you from?" question. Every now and then I tell my passengers that I am from some where else and see their reaction just for fun. So this woman was telling me that her grandparents were Italian immigrants and we are all immigrants some how, immigrants are hard working people building our nation and how the 12 million undocumented immigrants should get their citizenship step by step and all the progressive concept. Last night she asked me where I am from again with out realizing she has been in my cab before, this time I told her that I am a Washingtonian and spent most of my life around Washington. Her reaction took a sharp turn drastically, she said that she was happy to ride with an American driver for a change and that she is tired of foreigners, they are ruining this country with crime and disease and all the illegals need to be deported and everything else. Wow!

I really wanted to embarrass her by telling her that was not what she said last time she was in my cab but the fucking rain was pouring down like hell, I wanted to focus on my driving. I really don't understand why people bullshit, especially to a person they might not see ever again in their fucking life.

THE VIAGRA AFTERMATH

Around three this morning my friend T called me and said she is little down and wanted to hook up for breakfast and talk, so I went up to the Taste Diner in Bethesda to meet her and cheer her up. T moved from Russia with her parents when she was seven, one thing led to another and these days she is a high class hooker doing very well financially but a little fucked up emotionally. We first met about five years ago while she was a passenger in my cab and been friends ever since. For some reason I attract hookers as a friend, Don't get funny ideas, never fucked any of my hooker friends. Last time I was with a hooker I was seventeen and it lasted less than 15 seconds.

We talked about how viagra changed the demographic of her clients, they're getting older and older, some as old as seventy something dudes with hard dicks. She was telling me about one of her clients, who is a retired lawyer in his seventies, whom his wife lets him have a little action on the side because she lost interest in sex, that's a little sad. I can testify for that fact because passengers who ask me "where can I buy some pussy tonight cabbie?" are mostly AARP card holders. Where was that fucken viagra when I was seventeen?

SUICIDAL?

Last night which was first night out for me in a week, wasn't bad,even though it slowed down around 2am. Besides this dude I was driving, telling me he might commit suicide this summer, it was a normal boring Tuesday night. This kid was lecturing me on how we humans are destroying this planet and blaa blaa blaa and life is not worth living, we stopped at a traffic light at Wisconsin & M and I pointed out to some hotties to him in a VW convertible next to us and told him what he will be missing out of if he kills himself. "I don't know what the fuck will happen after we die, but the fact that there is a slight mathematical chance hell may exist, I don't know about you man, but it scares the shit out of me, if you kill yourself you are going straight to the oven while Mr. Devil is chilling, holding a cold one, watching the re-run on how you killed yourself on big ass plasma TV. And besides hell is a fucked up destroyed huge village and why would you want a one way ticket to get there? We already have one here, as might as well make the best out of it." I said jokingly trying to cheer him up. But this guy wasn't impressed by wise ass humor at all, he didn't say a word till we got to Old Town.

After he paid me including a generous tip, he said "You are the most disturbed cab driver I ever met in my life!" He slammed the door and walked away towards his apartment. Am I a disturbed individual? May be, Do I think this kid is going to kill himself? No, I don't think suicidal people mark their calendar to kill themselves like this kid was telling me that he might this summer. I think he is just confused, he needs to get laid every now and then. He will be just fine.

NO ALARM CLOCK NEEDED

Its nice to be back to work, I didn't hack in about a week. I had to do all kind of shit to my basement. New floor, fresh paint, updated bar and some wiring, between this job and the world cup, yours truly knocked it off in a week.

You know, I love my job, when ever I am away from it two days in a row I miss it. Lot of friends, people I know and some passengers ask me why drive a cab with two college degrees? The answer, I love what I do, I wouldn't change a thing, I kind of stumbled in to cab driving the summer before my senior year in college and to make the long story short I am still hacking.

I do not remember when the last time I used an alarm clock, I just wake up and go to work and come home when I am tired, five nights a week and forty six weeks a year. When ever I am out on the streets of Washington DC, I always try to do the right thing and call it a day. No deadlines, no boss, no office politics and NO ass kissing. I am not rich but I manage what I make very efficiently and I am comfortable, I don't worry about money. By no means I am trying to say cab driving is a dream job or its an easy meal ticket, this job is not for everyone, its hard work, it needs skill to make decent money, its deadly dangerous and you need balls made of steel.

So, I am glad I am back to those dark Washington streets, back dealing with the night working public, drunks, pushers, pimps, hookers, criminals, booty calls and all the filth of society, Mad Cabbie here he comes to serve your fucking ass.

VANISHING WITHOUT A TRACE

"Hide Your Assets & Disappear: A Step-by-Step Guide to Vanishing Without a Trace by Edmund J. Pankau"

This is the book I found in my back seat as soon as my passenger left the cab, the guy who forgot and left it was long gone so I couldn't catch up with him and gave it back. I guess his book vanished before he did.

The book was hidden underneath today's edition of the Washington Post, I wonder what this poor guy is up to. He is a stocky middle age white man, government type. I dropped him off in front the Ronald Regean building, I ran couple short fares and took a coffee break at the starbuck on Connecticut & R. I sat down outside and read quite a few pages, a lot of common knowledge and some interesting stuff. A couple of fat guys started staring at me and one of them said " you thinking about disappearing uh?" without saying a word, I gave him that, fuck you! you asshole! look and I took off. They probably asked themselves "why would this dumm ass cab driver wanna disappear?".

I am going to read few more pages before I go to bed. If I stop contributing to this blogg in the future, you know what happened.

IN THE MEMORY OF PARVEZ AHMED

A Springfield cabdriver was found shot to death Sunday night outside his taxi in Annandale, Fairfax County police said, and investigators were searching yesterday for his last passenger.

Police believe Parvez Ahmed, 46, of the 6500 block of Lee Valley Drive picked up a fare at the King Street Metro station in Alexandria about 9:30 p.m. Sunday. About 20 minutes later, citizens reported hearing gunshots in the 3300 block of Arnold Lane, north of Gallows Road.

Ahmed had been shot in his upper body, police said. He was taken to Inova Fairfax Hospital, where he was pronounced dead. Police said Ahmed worked for Alexandria Yellow Cab. Investigators were trying to determine yesterday whether Ahmed had been robbed, Officer Richard Henry said. Detectives also were seeking descriptions of the man Ahmed picked up.

-- Tom Jackman : WASHINGTON POST 6/13/2006

I am fucking tired of these lazy ass thugs and crack heads who don't want to work for a living and shoot cab drivers to get their quick fix or whatever. To some of you its just another cab driver killed, big deal! But this is some serious shit. This poor guy got killed doing his job at his work place, Imagine some mother fucker walks in to your office while you're trying to be productive sitting in front of your computer, and he blows your brain out to snatch $40 out of your wallet. This is what's happening to cab drivers because we are easy moving targets, I know you might say we chose this dangerous profession, so deal with it or get out, if that's the case our civilized society would be crippled because most professions have some dangerous elements to some degree, and we would be sitting on our asses doing nothing but staring at the caves we live in.

Ahmed got killed in Alexandria, Virginia, just outside Washington DC, so most DC cab drivers I talk to are disturbed by this horrible tragedy. A friend of mine was telling me that Ahmed had plans to take his kids to Pakistan for the first time to have them visit their father's homeland. If there is some kind of donation set up to help the family, I will post it and PLEASE send couple of bucks, what ever you can to help this family out.

With a quality police work I know they will catch this asshole and he will face justice, and when the state of Virginia fry his ass I hope they will carry it on pay per view, I will pay my hard earned cash and watch it, with one fat cigar on one hand and a Remi Martin XO with the other.

Rest in peace brother.

Anyone with information about this incident is asked to call Crime Solvers at 866-411-TIPS (8477).

OUT OF THE CLOSET

It was pretty much uneventful Saturday night, I drove bunch of drunk guys who couldn't get laid for the night and kept screaming at each other, it was kind of fun listening to their bullshit. If you are a young, single, college graduate with a job and half decent looking and can't get a little poon tang action, you are a fucking loser. I will send you a free LOSER t-shirt courtesy of mad dc cabbie.

But my last fare I had this morning was pretty interesting, she is a twenty something, attractive, short dark hair with sparkling blue eyes. She wanted to go to Potomac, Maryland to meet her parents at their house to go out for brunch later on. As soon as she sat in my cab she started to breath heavily and said " Oh fuck, the day is finally here...." And I said " what day babe?" she leaned on the back of my seat and whispered," this is the day that I am coming out of the closet and my poor parents don't know what's coming, I am going to tell them that I am gay, my mother kind of suspects but its my dad that I am worried about, he is going to get crushed."

She told me since she was thirteen that she liked girls in a different way and had her first lesbian experience when she was sixteen and never looked back, and now she is in love with this girl she met in college(AU) three years ago, they've been living together for the last year or so in an apartment in Cleveland park but her folks think that they are roommates. She said "my mom always ask me when they're going to be introduced to a nice Jewish boy, but at least I got the Jewish part right, surprise! surprise! I guess they're going have to deal with this whether they like it or not, this is who I am now." and the rest of the way she talked about what was it like to grow up in Potomac (90210 of the Washington area).

I pulled up in front of a huge ass mansion not too far from Falls and River road. She paid me $30 and said " wish me luck! Thanks for being a good listener." and walked towards that intimidating house on steroids. What ever the out come maybe today, by the end of the day she is still their daughter and I hope the love and support they offered all these years survives. I don't want to open up the Washington Post tomorrow and read some dum ass head line saying "MAN SHOOTS HIMSELF IN POTOMAC."

A GREAT COP A THANKLESS ASSHOLE

A DC cop flagged me down about 2am around Tenleytown circle. The white officer asked me if I could take a stranded deaf black guy standing in the rain next to him to Florida avenue NE, the metro bus he was on was involved in fatal accident up in friendship heights so they had to let everyone off the bus. After the deaf gentleman got in to my cab, the police officer paid for his fare plus tip thanked me and left. So on the way to north east DC I was telling my passenger who is an accounting graduate from Gallaudet University with no job (lip reads well and speaks ok), how I was impressed by the kindnesss and thoughtfulness of the police officer, and to my surprise he replied by saying "...Because he's throwing money, that doesn't make him a good person, maybe he has a trust fund." This son of a bitch wasn't a bit thankful of what that police officer just did for him.

When I started this blog, I promised myself always to stay anonymous, but last night I broke my own rule by giving this jack ass the URL of my blog, so that he can read about himself and discover what kind of thankless asshole he really is. I hope this was a great read for you sir.

PAID IN QUARTERS.

I picked up a gentleman wearing an ugly brown suit with bad set of teeth in Adams Morgan. While on the way to National Airport, he asked me what the fare would be and I told him its some where around $18, and he paid me with two roll of quarters, God! Are things really bad out there? I have never came across a passenger paying me with coins after a trip to the airport. I hate that shit, I am superstitious about getting paid in coins, thanks God it was around the end of my shift. Anyhow this guy didn't give a shit, he didn't make any attempt to hide those hideous teeth either, he was talking, smiling and laughing his ass off. Mr.confidence was talking about his job, his last vacation and his wife. Poor wife, can you imagine kissing this dude? it's has to be a punishment.

I don't know which is more disturbing, getting paid in quarters? Or looking at his teeth? I guess I am going to have to flip a coin, since I have plenty of those.

KINKY.

Last night one of my regulars wanted a ride, a very attractive young red head high class escort babe. About once or twice every three month I take her to this upscale neighborhood in Spring Valley, upper northwest section of Washington.

All she does is get naked and masturbate in front of a married fifty something couple while they touch themselves, and get paid VERY WELL without fucking anyone of them. I park and wait about a block away while she take care of bushiness, which is about thirty to forty five minutes.

Not a bad gig at all. By the way is it wrong if I ask her if I can smell her fingers after she finishes next time?